Leo...

Nice to see you again. After, maybe 5-6 months? You called me last time and you said you would call again to ask me out for supper. Of course you didn't call. But that's ok.

You really caught me by surprise. I mean, I didn't expect you would call the very next day after we met that night. Judging from the past, we would end up be meeting up at the unexpected places few months later and you would be with different people, of course. And we will keep on blaming each other for not having the guts to make the first move and so on. Hey, do you still remember that incident in IKEA? That was funny, huh.

You still haven't changed much personally, playful and wittyly charming. I am glad. Your new kitchen and bathroom, love it! Those, I must say, the only changes I have seen so far. And the instant noodle you cooked last night was a real kick! You are such a good cook. Haha.

I don't know what is going to happen next, but I'll just leave it to the hands of God. Same here, hope to see you again!

W H Y M E ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Story of Red Roses

I did something selfish and stupid on Saturday. But my own stupidity was an eye opener to me.

For one, I discovered the only thing that I want for myself, that I all this while have been denying all along. I could not afford to lose it anymore and I want to live and die with it.

Secondly, while packing, I found the answer to my own unanswerable question:
June 9, 2004.

"If red is love, then love it shall be."

And the red roses bloomed in my heart since...

My life, my job and the library...

I'm in the library now.

I remember still when I was in secondary school, the school library is the most sought after place to go for evening prep class. Mainly because it is air conditioned, more quiet, and when you are cold you can rub your shoulder and put your legs onto the person sitting next to you, whom normally would be ehem, your 'closest friend'. I would try at my best effort to be among the first to get into the library to reserve the best seats. Unfortunately, cruising was not in my dictionary at that time although I must say the opportunities that came were so wide opened and overwhelming. Oh, such a loss!

This is my third day working as a part time librarian here at a local college in KL, and things are going well so far. Well, the fact that there is little work to do here (almost none) besides doing some books arranging (I should have tried on flowers instead) and ‘xerox’-ing for the lecturers and students, I'm yet to face the bigger challenges; if handling the 'spoiled brat' is not part of it. Since this is a small college library with a small number of students and academic staff, obviously there's nothing much to be done. Actually, my school library is a lot better than the place i'm working now!

Not quite a good and interesting job actually, but at least I don't have to feel sorry for my pathetic life, for being alone at home after work with nothing else to do than having sex or, well, masturbating. Good goddess, whatever had happen to the days when I used to hang out with friends after work having a drink or two, window shopping, dinner, karaoke-ing, and even a short (sometimes long) trip to saunas? Where has all the cowboys gone? Am I not that happening anymore? Or have I turned myself into a lonesome, attention-craving person? Or even a sex maniac? Urrgghhh!

Something is totally wrong with me and I am already 23 (no kidding)!

Fact is, I need the extra money. My expenses are rocketing higher and higher but my pay is getting lesser and lesser. My buying power as well as my pocket is shrinking. I’m going to die as a penniless person if not a bankrupt! I might have to walk from one place to another on bare feet for not having the money to buy petrol for my car or even for the bus fare. I could be seen as one of those skeleton junkies roaming on the back lane searching for leftovers in the garbage bin. I could be thrown out of my house as I cannot afford to pay the rental. My still under construction house would be auctioned off for not meeting the monthly mortgage plan. I would end up being a beggar on the street like the one I saw many years ago while dining at the stalls in Bangsar with my now distant friends (well, at least he can afford to buy the 1901 hotdog by begging for living!). And I might not have money left for my sister to hold prayer for my lost soul, or even for the batu nisan on my grave! Thank god we don't have to pay for a piece of land to be buried...

Oh my goddess, is that me?!

You see, this is the result of having too much time for my own self thinking about rubbish and day dreaming about nothing until it kills the common sense in me. I might be presented with a simple ‘A’, but I will go deeper wondering if it is an 'a' or ‘A’, what color, type of font, size, Italic, bold, the origin, why A not B, and so the list goes. Silly, eh?

Well, maybe I should work and stay longer in the library and get my head brushed up. After all, I can use the Net at no cost.
Wise, no?

Triangle Love (from LPG-community....)

Dear friends.. Good to hear all this situation.

Love is just a matter of something and how you look at it. I am just wondering, would it be nice if I can love few persons in one time. But just then I realize. sometimes I am just too sellfish of doing all this loving 2 person in the same time. May i rather love them as friends more than any others.. I rather be a slut cause I still cannot commit. What is fate? I dun know.. when i take them as friends.. I care them more then lover.. I enjoy being with them more than lover~~~~ So what so important of being lover.. this and that..

Dear Darling.. I have to say if u say i am rude.. u are just wanting them for sex, not love.. u wish to be so selfish enuff... to hold them to you. Try to take one of them as friends rather than lover or this that..... I think things works more than any...remember all this... if u dun take triangle love seriously ALL PARTIES HURT

Did you ever know you need to move but are afraid to?

I do. In fact, I've been there. Today.

I knew then I should leave, but I couldn't (or so I thought). I was stuck in the comfort zone, being with someone I knew (even if it wasn't too great). I was scared of being alone and didn't begin to know how to "date". Eventually I realized facing those fears would be a lot better than being in a relationship that was making me miserable.

It would be nice if we could just walk away when we don't feel happy anymore, and when we know we should - but some of us never leave that easy for some reason. It generally takes something big for us to realize it's time to say good bye (or getting tired of the same old thing and realizing it's never gonna change).

But the truth is - once we figure out there's life out there, and we go and find it - It may be a little tough and maybe a little lonely at first, but it is SO much better, and the mind, body and soul feels SO much better.

I think I am in the "Sick and tired of being sick and tired " mode. I'm almost there... Just realize I can do it on my own, and I owe myself the chance to be happy.

I just need to be strong.

Woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday