It's just another rambling...

While typing this my hands are shaking and the veins visibly green on my now yellowish skin (that will last for one or two hours). I am my own enemy!

I must congratulate myself, that for the first time ever since I went seriously ill last March I had my attendance to work for this particular week full and most importantly, productive. Except for diarrhea being effect of the medicine I took on Wednesday that forced me to coming in late to work (almost at noon - with permission from my boss), the rest of the days were business as usual.

After months of cover up, the news of my illness finally reached the HQ that caused a surprising stir; rumors were passed on and my mailbox was full with "sorry to hear", "be strong" & "get well soon" e-mails, even from the people I have never met & dealt with. CEO & GM extended their support "in this trying time" via e-mails full of advises and positive messages. A personnel from Quality Unit came down to the branch to visit when I came back to work and offered personal help whenever needed. Singh, the messenger offered healing recipe and his prayer. A prominent UMNO figure who always come to me for facilities, even offered his personal doctor for me to attend to but I politely declined (because I knew it is going to be sky high pricey!).

I was so touched (though earlier on was a little furious with my boss for leaking the news to almost everyone she knew- I have specifically told her on the day I broke the finding last January that it shall remain unknown to everybody, including my immediate family members. Despite being told so, without me knowing she contacted my mother & sister, causing unnecessary panic and tension among the two).

For now, it is business as usual at the branch. Boss still acting bossy and sometimes motherly. Piles of files still waiting to be worked on on my desk. People keep on coming in requesting and inquiring about loads of thing, but most of the time these people can be so irritating especially when I was not feeling well or extremely fatigued. I hope I can write about these people one day.

Meanwhile, good days ahead, everybody!

Bolt of lightning couldn't hit me harder...

It suddenly struck into my head.

What if I have a disfigured face after this?
What would I do then?

UNTHINKABLE (tak tercapai dek akal)

I cried (tak pasal-pasal)...

(Second best thinkable title: On suddenly being ridiculous & emotional...)

What next...?

After a strangely long and sleepless night, I woke up this morning with high fever, heavy chest, dizziness and fatigued. The abdominal pain has gone (thank God), so I suspect these are the effects of the three overdosed injections I received yesterday.

Oh, how I hate getting jabbed!

I cringed in a sudden pain in my left abdomen this morning. Only the third overdosed jab finally eased the pain and put me into a long, deep sleep. I was lucky th0ugh that I did not faint while walking to the radiology department, considering how strong the third jab was. Three times within two hours for a jab-hater! They can practically send me to hell right away.

When I woke up the pain has gone (but the doctor said it sure will be back within 9-10 hours after the last jab). Right now my mouth is dry and I have temporarily lost my tastebud, makes me refuse to eat because everything I took in tasted extremely bitter even the plain water. The med would cause me throw ups, so I am not really sure what shall I vomit when the time comes. Funny!

But I will grow tired, for sure. Back to square one. Wallahualam...

In this pain...

Oh dear Lord the Almighty...

You know the road I have taken is winding. I willfully made the choice to go this path against Yours that eventually led me to this desperate, horrifying gridlock situation. And now that I am at total lost I have no one else to turn to but You.

Embrace me, oh the Merciful, as I resort my soul, my everything to You and please never let me down; for only You have the answers to all the secrets and questions, for only You have the cure to all of my anguishes and sufferings, for only Your light could lead me out of this darkness and despair.

Lo! Allah is Powerful, it seems to me all the doors are locked and I am standing outside here all alone. There is only one door left for me, so here I am knocking on Your door pleading Your merciful and let me enter. You are my only hope, so please... please Lord, do not close Your door and walk away from me...