Something to ponder........

We have become so used and extremely familiar to the phrase of "malang tidak berbau".

But, how could it never crossed our conscious minds that "tuah" is also odorless, hence none the better?
Heh...how about that?

The real issue:
Until today, there is still no news about my crashed external hard disk. If it is unrecoverable, there goes my office works, videos, my videos, vacation photo collections, my photos, ehem, ehem...

Well I guess I have been too comfortable with the unknown, odorless tuah of the external hard disk all along, that I forgotten its malang is waiting around the corner for me.
Talk about the ignorant me....

Soulless me (the Eid ul Fitri version)...

I seriously have no idea what has gotten into me of late. An extremely lazy person is what I have turned myself to, with rocketing anger and easily irritated to tiny little petty things, and sometimes I feel that I am a man with no soul left to live. Gosh, it is getting worst and crazier each day passing!

Sometimes I feel like I have lost interest in everything, including writing.

Hari raya was an extremely boring event. I got stuck in KL on the raya eve due to "overdose", spent the whole night at home alone praying that all the sicknesses would go away so that I could start my journey back to my hometown. Every half hour I would be checking on my veins and skin; praying that the bluish would be gone soon, for the tremblings and pain to stop. When prayers didn't work, I resorted to more pain killers and sleeping pills.

I woke up confused on the first day of raya. I knew something big is going on that day, but what was it? I could not recall, and I let few phone calls went unanswered. I thought it was Sunday (of course, it was) but something was missing on that unusual Sunday. An hour of confusion later, slowly I regained conscious and cried for letting that to happen on me. I had no proper baju Melayu to wear, not a complete suit, and I had no songkok even! I was so mad at myself that day.

Not wanting to let the big day go off wasted, I quickly ran (or that's what I thought, but in real I was actually moving slowly like an old, sick fella) into shower and drove off in the slow traffic. I had to pull over a couple of times; my eyesight was at its worst ever, my head was spinning and I threw up 3 times along the journey. Still pretending to be okay, I made a few phone calls to my mother telling her that I was already on my way but don't wait for me. Almost suffering, it was so challenging and tiring I wished I didn't have to go through it. Sweating heavily when I reached my grandmother's home, I helped myself to a glass of water and a thin cut of lemang, while trying at my best to not looking sick or shit.

I am sick, that was my short reply to granny's question about my health, before I threw myself on the couch and drowned into a deep sleep until I woke up at almost midnight when everyone else came home from I-don't-know-where. I felt, or perhaps I thought I feel, when I was sleeping granny's cold palm rubbing my sweaty forehead whispering in her unusual, shaky voice, Oh dear, whatever troubles that you are going through, stop torturing yourself because it hurts me a lot...please come back and get healed, my love.

When I reached my mother's home, it was already half past midnight and she waited for me on the couch looking extremely worried. I had my niece running after and around me. I wanted so badly to hang around and play with her but I just couldn't. There was no energy left inside me that once I laid myself on the bed, the world was already far behind me.

I knew I hurt them a lot this time. I have become someone whom they might no longer know, and perhaps someone they do not even want to know, ever.
I wish I could find my way back...

Salam Aidil Fitri buat semua, maaf dipinta atas semua gerak laku dan kata-kata yang melampaui batas kesusilaan seorang anak, adik, sahabat, saudara, lelaki dan manusia. Entah dapat atau tidak bertemu lagi dengan Syawal yang akan datang?

Tuhan, ingat lagikah Engkau pada bicara kita yang lalu...? Hanya bila Engkau telah yakin dengan aku, ya.

It has been a long time.....

since the last time I logged in and wrote my borbottare in this blog.

Been so busy at work, and health is still an issue yet to tackle. Also, ideas and creativity were too limited to continue writing.

Ramadhan is almost over, and Aidil Fitri will follow suit soon.
I am still lost and searching for my own direction.

I can only hope this coming Aidil Fitri will be the most meaningful in my life so far.

Until then, I'm just going to live as it is.