Dear Lessismore....

Falling in love with someone else's?

I've been with this guy for almost 4 years already. Love him deeply, no doubt. But trust me, it has never been easy. I'll never be his priority. When I need him, he won't be there. We can only go out together to places where no other people would go for a date. I really have to be strong mentally & emotionally.

Lessismore, if you still want him, expect nothing from him.

You know, we fought a lot, purely because I wanted him to be more responsible of our relationship. But he just can't, because he has the limitation. There are lots of thing he can't do for me - if I was to compare to a normal relationship. We can't go for a holiday together, we can't have dinner at KLCC or anywhere "fabulous", we can't be seen together as a couple anywhere even.

At some points I wanted to give it up and look for someone else but I can't because I know no one will love me the way he does. He can't leave me too, indeed. We both love each other so much, so we decided to keep our relationship as long as we could hold to it, we just enjoy it while we can. That's the best and sensible thing both of us can expect to.

Tantrums will always be there at anytime. If you can't reach him and make him understand how you feel, channel it to something else - put it in writing, for example. I have been doing that and unbelievably it works. I put it in this blog, he will read it at his own leisure (Hi Bubu..miss you!).

Lessismore, if you think you can handle it, go ahead. If you think you won't find someone else better than him, why not, hold to it. But the main rule is that never ever step your foot in his other relationship. When he's with you, he's all yours. But when he's not with you, you are on your own - you must be independent. Just don't limit yourself to other possibilities, remember that you must be fair to yourself too.

Don't sigh, Lessismore. You feel like a mistress, in a way yes you are. I know how you feel.

If you think he's worth your time and your precious love, hold to it. Be strong. I may not have the standard/typical relationship as my other friends might have, but I can tell you, I have never been loved deeply like this before. Loving him is the best thing that had ever happened in my life (so far)...!

Take care, Lessismore.
Merry Xmas!

p/s - Always put your feet on the ground, friend.

Dear R

Days have passed and still no sign of us
Not a hint of what used to be
When you lived in that part of me

This blinding silence lives in every room
Of what once was a happy home
Now we’re sitting here all alone

Could this be that it was all a lie
And we’re just afraid to say good-bye

Am I the only one

Re: hello XoXoX

From:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 10:56:55 AM
To:
XoXoX (xxx@hotmail.com)

Hi Xoxox!
So sorry i could not go to Lush bar last time because my friends don"t want to go there . I still remember the times we met each other and miss your face so much hihihi...you are so cute, i hope have chance to visit Malaysia in short times, so sorry my English is not good try to guess it hihihih.
Miss you!

_____________________ @--&-------- _______________________


RE: Hello John (is that your name?)‏
From:
Xoxox (xoxox@hotmail.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:26:07 PM
To:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)

Hey.....!

You can never imagine how overwhelming my feeling is when I saw your email popping up in my mailbox. I'm smiling from ear to ear while typing this...!

You know, I was getting worried that I couldn't get the chance to keep in touch with you since I lost my phone there. I thought I had the wrong email address since you did not reply, so I sent many emails to many addresses I could think of with your name on it, but all came back with "delivery failed" messages. I had this funny thinking that I might be visiting Saigon again and look for you myself. Haha...guess I'm lucky. Anyways, thank you so much for replying.

I have yet to transfer the photo we took together into my computer. I'll send it to you soon as I get it transferred, ok? By the way, I've created some "photos of us together" (like I said, I was afraid I couldn't get through you anymore, so I cropped your photos and pasted it on mine, just for the sake of remembering "I met this handsome guy in Saigon, and here's the happy moments we took together"...haha).

I'm passing you my cell phone number down here, perhaps you may want to keep it, just in case. Just don't call or sms me at the moment because I have yet to get a new phone. Hopefully it would be useful when you come down here in KL. Can't wait to take you around when you come. Looking forward to meet you again - either in KL or Saigon, or anywhere even!

Hey,are you sure you're missing me (how do you say "I miss you" in Vietnamese?)? See, I'm so excited till I forgot to ask how are you doing? Please excuse my excitement, ya. Anyway, really hope you are doing good over there. Do take care of yourself. I am so missing you! (I really do....)

Don't stop writing, ok.
Till then, cheers!

Yours truly,
Xoxox
Kuala Lumpur
+601******3

P/s: You really make my day!

Dear Nguyen John...

Hi there!

I hope I get this right to the right person. I can vaguely remember your email address, so I'm just trying my luck here.

And I hope you still remember me XoXoX from XYXYXY. We met at the Golden Smile Club in District 3, then went back to my hotel room and promised to meet up at Lush, which you didn't turn up...! :(

You still remember I saved your email address in my cell phone? Now what happened was, I dropped my cell phone in a taxi this morning on the way back to my hotel. So, it's gone.

Hit me back ASAP once you received this email, ok!

Sincerely yours,
XoXoX
Amara Hotel

p/s - You were good last night!

The Miss Saigon

That's what I am, officially....!

6th - 9th December, 2007

To whom I love....

It is during this moment that all the wrongdoings for the past one year are forgiven and forgotten in a spirit of togetherness, brotherhood and sincerity. Well, maybe not all. As negative as I might sounded, that is the reality which none of us as a normal human being could run away from. At least the scar is there to stay though the wound and hurt are gone.

Nevertheless, I am grateful that I am still here, alive and blessed with the loves of those people whose roles are very much important and very significant in my life. That I am able to return their unconditional loves although not as much as theirs, such a personal achievement that I thank God for allowing me to taste the love, granting me part of my never ending wishes into real. I have always said to close friends and myself, "salah satu nikmat dunia", that is love and being loved. I can not imagine me living without the lovely people around me.

I love my mum, no matter what. I cry for her, I pray for her, I almost did everything for her and it could never be enough for me. She may not be the flawless mother, but I know no one could ever replace her in my heart. I want to be the best for her, and sometimes I tried so hard that I hurt her unintentionally. What she has been through is totally remarkable - being left alone by her all grown up children to find their own lives, subsequently by her abusive husband who ran away with a widow about her age in the name of revenge, she stand taller and keep her head high finding a new life leaving the past behind. Sometimes I can not help myself from crying at night thinking how lonely she could be without having her children around to support her. I know she knew that our hearts are glued to hers wherever we are, no matter how far we are physically apart.

Do I love my father?
I did.
But what he did to us I could never forget and forgive. How could I forget all the bruises and blood spilled? How can I forget the pain he caused us? How can I face the world with all the mental tortures he passed on me during my growing up? I am grateful it happened though, and I have no one to thank to but him; because his leaving us means the end of suffering on my mother's part, although it took years for her to overcome the sudden loss, the shame and pain that he brought us on.

Dear, I love you so much. You are the source of my strength. Sometimes I forgot how lucky I am to have you standing beside (and also behind) me in everything I do. Doubt me never, I could never find another you.
"If I ever love again, even then nothing will change..."
For the past one year, we both know, it has been so challenging for us both, with the tantrums and all, and I know you are hurt sometimes. Maybe not as much as I did. But we mended, we pulled through it all and we survived. Leaving it all behind (and learn the lesson), I am looking forward for years of happiness with you. We may not be in the best and perfect bond, but we make the best out of it. I hope we always will.

Selamat hari raya.
Maaf zahir dan batin.

Sampai ku menutup mata...

I love you, more than you ever know, more than I should, more than anything else in this world. It is timeless, it grows stronger each day passing, it overflows in my heart I cannot find a space to fill it in anymore. The love that pulls me through when the going gets tougher and tougher, the one that I swore to myself will never be replaced ever, the one that I have always prayed to Almighty God will last to my last breathing, the one that I hope and swear will carry it with me everywhere I go even down to my grave.

That's how I love you.

No. Truth is, my love for you is indescribable. Love is too small a word to define what I feel for you. And I swear to you, it is immeasurable.

I don't know how I should tell you about what I feel.
I don't know if you could understand a bit of it, mine is too complicated to understand.

embun di pagi buta
menebarkan bau asa
detik demi detik ku hitung
inikah saat ku pergi

oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi

aku tak mudah mencintai
aku tak mudah mengaku ku cinta
aku tak mudah mengatakan
aku jatuh cinta

senandungku hanya untuk cinta
tirakatku hanya untuk engkau
tiada dusta sumpah ku cinta
sampai ku menutup mata

cintaku sampai ku menutup mata
oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi...

There were times when I cried at night alone thinking of you, of how I missed you, of how I wanted you badly with me, of how painful life is without you beside me. And last night I cried again, I called out your name hoping you will come and hug and comfort me and take me out of this misery forever.

But you didn't.

I love you damn much, but it is killing me inside...

Daisy

OST > Daisy (데이지) > Korean


01. 데이지 - 헤이

내가 그토록 원했던 사랑이 내 앞 에 있는데
아무 말도 하지 못 한 채로 바라만 보내요
낯설 기만한 이 도시 사랑을 그리며 살았죠.
데이지향 가득한 그대를 언젠가 만날 꺼라며
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데 함께할 수 없나봐요
죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데
미안해요 그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
매일 같은 시간이면 그대는 내 곁에 있었죠
바보처럼 나만 모르는 체 그댈 스쳐 보냈네요
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데
함께할 수 없나봐요 죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데 미안해요
그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
아프고 또 아파와도...떠나야 하네요



Daisy - Hey
romanization by: asn_aishiteru (also credit: aheeyah.com)

Nega gutorok woneton sarang0i ne ape inunde
Amu maldo haji motan chero baraman boneyo
Natsol gimanan idoshi sarang-ul gurimyo sarajo
Deiji(Daisy)hyang gadukan guderul onjenga manal koramyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde hamkehalsu omnabayo
Jugodo nochigin shironunde
Mianeyo gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Meil gatun shiganimyon gudenun ne gyote isojo
Babochorom naman morunun che gudel sucho boneneyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde
Hamkehalsu omnabayo jugodo nochigin shironunde mianeyo
Gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Apugoto apawado...tonaya haneyo


Daisy (데이지) > translation

01. Daisy - Hey
translation by: bangku (also credit: aheeyah.com)

In spite of all my wishes love is always in my future.
I really can't say it, but I still wish to see you.
Even though love is a strange and tricky city for me, it is where I wanted to live.
One day I will meet up with you, who are full of the scent of a Daisy
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
If you can, everyday at the same time, be next to me.
Like a fool, I pretend to steal a glance at you
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
I hurt and I am hurting.... I must go.

Back and hurt....

Yeah, it's been awhile.

A friend (perhaps someone that I knew from school is much more appropriate) died in March. The news came as a shock, I thought I saw him few months earlier at a shopping complex looking as healthy as a Greek God (during school time he was as skinny as a piece of plywood). Since that day I don't know why I suddenly stopped writing.

And so many things happened along the way. A birthday as sweet as before (only this year smeared by a heated argument which later both of us tried to forget at the soonest to enjoy the special day together - thanks for the books. Love them!), work that stole most of my time even on weekends which now I feel quite grateful otherwise I would be craving for his attention that I believe is making him sick of me, a niece who now has learned to walk and goo goo gaa gaa to his lonely uncle just celebrated her first birthday today...

I'm back in the trouble limelight again. We had a series of argument which I believe started with the issues of trustworthy and honesty. I thought it has come to its end when we no longer know how to respect each other individually and emotionally, how to fulfill the expectations that grow even higher day by day. I thought the longer the time we take to understand each other the better the relationship will become but no! It seems that we are growing apart, more confused each time passing. We talked and fixed it. It seemed to work for a few seconds only, then we just went back to the shaky affair. Did I try so hard or he was just lightly taking it to his side? I don't know.

He lied. Again. This time it hurt so bad that I swore I would never forgive him and it could never be forgotten. Extreme? Perhaps. But I have told him many many times before, I need nothing but the truth and the truth is what he should give me. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes but it is better than being told a lie only to be "enlightened" by some other people that it was nothing but a lie! The pain is even worst.

He said he was just protecting me. Unacceptable. I think he was just taking it lightly (again), it was just a reasoning to justify his action, to run away from being held responsible for the lies that he told me all the while. After all, he has been doing that since the day we first met. How could he never thought about what I would feel if I find out he was lying to me? What is there to hide?

What hurt the most is that all this while (as long as I can remember it started late last year), the time he spent with me had been lesser and lesser. From few days a week it went down to once a week and subsequently once a month. Yes he called me everyday but a call is a call, there's no human, personal touch in it. He claimed every time I voiced it out that he was busy at work, he has no time even for himself, that he has no one else but me, bla bla bla... Yet, in his extremely limited time for me, he has lots of time to spend on seeing other people......not even seeing but doing more than that!

I love him, no doubt. He is the only love of my life that I see I would keep to my last breath. I may offered him a truce. But the damage that done was so huge, forgetting even forgiving this time around is not an option for me. I have lost the trust and respect for him.

Some things must change if this relationship is to get going. He has to show some effort. Else..........

The "Futureless" ?

Thanks to you, I am so torn.
Are you happy now?

My Heart en español (as Googled)

Si amamos a alguien, podríamos ser éste fuerte?
Lucharé para ganar, nuestro amor conquistará todos
No arriesgaría mi amor, iguale apenas una noche
Nuestro amor permanecerá en mi corazón

Is the grass greener on the other side?

A friend came recently to catch up latest news with each other. He amazingly looked stunning that day that I cannot resist complimenting. Throughout these years, I have learned the art of provoking and "gold digging". Hence sheepishly in less than a second he admitted to his latest encounter, leaving no empty room of his sexciting account. Well, I don't have to be a warlock to figure out the purpose of his coming. We've been doing it all the time!

He found a guy in his late 30's; attractive, well-built, have a good and stable career, and still can perform satisfactorily. He talked a lot when doing it, touched mind-blowingly, paid every bit of attention to details, and he allegedly made this friend of mine feeling really good and confident about himself. Sounds very much of my ideal man, with a bit of exclusion on the "talked a lot when doing it".

Apparently this two supposedly early lovebirds met at a club downtown and ended up at his place "doing it". This guy claimed that he just walked out of his seven years old relationship with a much younger chap. He was away in a foreign country and upon coming home three years later, the younger chap told him that he 'needs' (not 'wants') to be single and enjoy every bit of what single life can offer him to the fullest instead of being committed to a life long relationship. So they broke off, leaving seven good years behind. As simple as that.

I was caught in disbelief. I mean, here I am, dying to have a long lasting, steady relationship with someone who really, really loves me and accept me the way I really am. But here, this young chap, having a wonderful life that belongs to just the two of them (a life which I have always dreamed of) - parting ways only to discover and experience the other life that he might think is greener on the other side. He succumbed to the force of pleasure and self-gratification, set himself free from togetherness. What is it with all these glamorous, materialistic world that overpower a person that change his life maybe forever?

Problems are everywhere (you can't run, you can't hide), you just fix them. But to cave in to glamour and material to an extent that you forgo your precious life, it is absurd. There are so many people out there who are so in need to be loved affectionately but they couldn't find it. When you have it, why must let go?

Seven years is not a short period as in seven months in which you can forget everything within seven days (I took months to recover from a seven months old relationship). It surely takes some time to let go the feeling and memories, and this poor guy is still talking about it although the partnership ended five months ago. He remembers everything, every details, every inch, every sounds, and he lives with the memory still. He was in love but he had to let go because he cannot play the part alone.

On a second thought, maybe the poor guy deserves someone better who could love him and cherish every moment together. Maybe it is me. Maybe we are meant to be together. That is, only if I were to be introduced to him, and only if he likes me.

Until then, I keep my fingers crossed.



It makes me rethink of my situation, and realise how lucky I am despite the impediments I've been through for almost three years.

Heart

I once had a heart

and it was true but

now it's gone from me to you

so take care of it

as I have done

because

now you have two

and I have none...

Happy Valentines Day!
(Though you're not here with me tonight, I know there's a place for me in your heart, always...)

February 10, 2007

I waited and waited and waited.
Nothing.

A special day that instead brought another heartache to the list.


How far must I go? How much longer must I wait?
I am human, if you can't remember...

(Happy Birthday to you!)