To whom I love....

It is during this moment that all the wrongdoings for the past one year are forgiven and forgotten in a spirit of togetherness, brotherhood and sincerity. Well, maybe not all. As negative as I might sounded, that is the reality which none of us as a normal human being could run away from. At least the scar is there to stay though the wound and hurt are gone.

Nevertheless, I am grateful that I am still here, alive and blessed with the loves of those people whose roles are very much important and very significant in my life. That I am able to return their unconditional loves although not as much as theirs, such a personal achievement that I thank God for allowing me to taste the love, granting me part of my never ending wishes into real. I have always said to close friends and myself, "salah satu nikmat dunia", that is love and being loved. I can not imagine me living without the lovely people around me.

I love my mum, no matter what. I cry for her, I pray for her, I almost did everything for her and it could never be enough for me. She may not be the flawless mother, but I know no one could ever replace her in my heart. I want to be the best for her, and sometimes I tried so hard that I hurt her unintentionally. What she has been through is totally remarkable - being left alone by her all grown up children to find their own lives, subsequently by her abusive husband who ran away with a widow about her age in the name of revenge, she stand taller and keep her head high finding a new life leaving the past behind. Sometimes I can not help myself from crying at night thinking how lonely she could be without having her children around to support her. I know she knew that our hearts are glued to hers wherever we are, no matter how far we are physically apart.

Do I love my father?
I did.
But what he did to us I could never forget and forgive. How could I forget all the bruises and blood spilled? How can I forget the pain he caused us? How can I face the world with all the mental tortures he passed on me during my growing up? I am grateful it happened though, and I have no one to thank to but him; because his leaving us means the end of suffering on my mother's part, although it took years for her to overcome the sudden loss, the shame and pain that he brought us on.

Dear, I love you so much. You are the source of my strength. Sometimes I forgot how lucky I am to have you standing beside (and also behind) me in everything I do. Doubt me never, I could never find another you.
"If I ever love again, even then nothing will change..."
For the past one year, we both know, it has been so challenging for us both, with the tantrums and all, and I know you are hurt sometimes. Maybe not as much as I did. But we mended, we pulled through it all and we survived. Leaving it all behind (and learn the lesson), I am looking forward for years of happiness with you. We may not be in the best and perfect bond, but we make the best out of it. I hope we always will.

Selamat hari raya.
Maaf zahir dan batin.

Sampai ku menutup mata...

I love you, more than you ever know, more than I should, more than anything else in this world. It is timeless, it grows stronger each day passing, it overflows in my heart I cannot find a space to fill it in anymore. The love that pulls me through when the going gets tougher and tougher, the one that I swore to myself will never be replaced ever, the one that I have always prayed to Almighty God will last to my last breathing, the one that I hope and swear will carry it with me everywhere I go even down to my grave.

That's how I love you.

No. Truth is, my love for you is indescribable. Love is too small a word to define what I feel for you. And I swear to you, it is immeasurable.

I don't know how I should tell you about what I feel.
I don't know if you could understand a bit of it, mine is too complicated to understand.

embun di pagi buta
menebarkan bau asa
detik demi detik ku hitung
inikah saat ku pergi

oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi

aku tak mudah mencintai
aku tak mudah mengaku ku cinta
aku tak mudah mengatakan
aku jatuh cinta

senandungku hanya untuk cinta
tirakatku hanya untuk engkau
tiada dusta sumpah ku cinta
sampai ku menutup mata

cintaku sampai ku menutup mata
oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi...

There were times when I cried at night alone thinking of you, of how I missed you, of how I wanted you badly with me, of how painful life is without you beside me. And last night I cried again, I called out your name hoping you will come and hug and comfort me and take me out of this misery forever.

But you didn't.

I love you damn much, but it is killing me inside...

Daisy

OST > Daisy (데이지) > Korean


01. 데이지 - 헤이

내가 그토록 원했던 사랑이 내 앞 에 있는데
아무 말도 하지 못 한 채로 바라만 보내요
낯설 기만한 이 도시 사랑을 그리며 살았죠.
데이지향 가득한 그대를 언젠가 만날 꺼라며
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데 함께할 수 없나봐요
죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데
미안해요 그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
매일 같은 시간이면 그대는 내 곁에 있었죠
바보처럼 나만 모르는 체 그댈 스쳐 보냈네요
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데
함께할 수 없나봐요 죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데 미안해요
그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
아프고 또 아파와도...떠나야 하네요



Daisy - Hey
romanization by: asn_aishiteru (also credit: aheeyah.com)

Nega gutorok woneton sarang0i ne ape inunde
Amu maldo haji motan chero baraman boneyo
Natsol gimanan idoshi sarang-ul gurimyo sarajo
Deiji(Daisy)hyang gadukan guderul onjenga manal koramyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde hamkehalsu omnabayo
Jugodo nochigin shironunde
Mianeyo gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Meil gatun shiganimyon gudenun ne gyote isojo
Babochorom naman morunun che gudel sucho boneneyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde
Hamkehalsu omnabayo jugodo nochigin shironunde mianeyo
Gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Apugoto apawado...tonaya haneyo


Daisy (데이지) > translation

01. Daisy - Hey
translation by: bangku (also credit: aheeyah.com)

In spite of all my wishes love is always in my future.
I really can't say it, but I still wish to see you.
Even though love is a strange and tricky city for me, it is where I wanted to live.
One day I will meet up with you, who are full of the scent of a Daisy
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
If you can, everyday at the same time, be next to me.
Like a fool, I pretend to steal a glance at you
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
I hurt and I am hurting.... I must go.

Back and hurt....

Yeah, it's been awhile.

A friend (perhaps someone that I knew from school is much more appropriate) died in March. The news came as a shock, I thought I saw him few months earlier at a shopping complex looking as healthy as a Greek God (during school time he was as skinny as a piece of plywood). Since that day I don't know why I suddenly stopped writing.

And so many things happened along the way. A birthday as sweet as before (only this year smeared by a heated argument which later both of us tried to forget at the soonest to enjoy the special day together - thanks for the books. Love them!), work that stole most of my time even on weekends which now I feel quite grateful otherwise I would be craving for his attention that I believe is making him sick of me, a niece who now has learned to walk and goo goo gaa gaa to his lonely uncle just celebrated her first birthday today...

I'm back in the trouble limelight again. We had a series of argument which I believe started with the issues of trustworthy and honesty. I thought it has come to its end when we no longer know how to respect each other individually and emotionally, how to fulfill the expectations that grow even higher day by day. I thought the longer the time we take to understand each other the better the relationship will become but no! It seems that we are growing apart, more confused each time passing. We talked and fixed it. It seemed to work for a few seconds only, then we just went back to the shaky affair. Did I try so hard or he was just lightly taking it to his side? I don't know.

He lied. Again. This time it hurt so bad that I swore I would never forgive him and it could never be forgotten. Extreme? Perhaps. But I have told him many many times before, I need nothing but the truth and the truth is what he should give me. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes but it is better than being told a lie only to be "enlightened" by some other people that it was nothing but a lie! The pain is even worst.

He said he was just protecting me. Unacceptable. I think he was just taking it lightly (again), it was just a reasoning to justify his action, to run away from being held responsible for the lies that he told me all the while. After all, he has been doing that since the day we first met. How could he never thought about what I would feel if I find out he was lying to me? What is there to hide?

What hurt the most is that all this while (as long as I can remember it started late last year), the time he spent with me had been lesser and lesser. From few days a week it went down to once a week and subsequently once a month. Yes he called me everyday but a call is a call, there's no human, personal touch in it. He claimed every time I voiced it out that he was busy at work, he has no time even for himself, that he has no one else but me, bla bla bla... Yet, in his extremely limited time for me, he has lots of time to spend on seeing other people......not even seeing but doing more than that!

I love him, no doubt. He is the only love of my life that I see I would keep to my last breath. I may offered him a truce. But the damage that done was so huge, forgetting even forgiving this time around is not an option for me. I have lost the trust and respect for him.

Some things must change if this relationship is to get going. He has to show some effort. Else..........