Only time would tell...

After days of waiting, only late yesterday I received the tests' result, and everything seemed not quite well/right. I went speechless, I wanted to; and I forced myself to cry but there was not a single tear came out. Then I asked myself, for what? There's nothing I could do about it, so why bother to cry? This is my destiny; accept it and move on. If happen that I die today or tomorrow, then be it. I guess I have lost the willingness to live and try.

Another scanning to go today (I don't quite understand why I agreed to undergo this anymore), I arrived here early as scheduled only to be told that I have to be fasting first before we could proceed with the next procedure. So now I am stuck in the waiting room as the result of their forgetfulness (aren't they supposed to remember everything since this is their everyday, routine job? How could they forget?).

Alone in this room, I looked at the photos that I have posted everywhere in the cyber space. How different I used to be, how well I looked, how happy I was. Just whatever had happened to me? Everything seemed to be taken off in a blink of the eyes. Where did I go wrong? Why did I allow all these to happen to me? Why did I hurt myself? Why did I...

Arez posted lots of our photos in his blog. Looking at those photos, I know there lies one of the happiest moments of my life; so how could I be so damn selfish and unfair to them both - letting go the beauty and future of our friendships by being ill and stop having the willingness to continue living.

In search of the strength to carry on, I sometimes found myself drowning too deep but I don't want to save myself...

Daun yang kuning layu...

Telah kusiram pohon ini dan kujaga sebaiknya, namun tetap sehelai daunnya layu.

Aku tertanya-tanya, di mana silapnya?

Hari ini peluang terbuka seluas-luasnya untuk aku berfikir sendirian. Sedang duduk memerhati daun yang layu kekuningan, terlintas di benak yang selalunya degil tak mahu mendengar kata logik; bahawa sebaik mana sekali pun aku menjaganya, hukum alam takkan sekali-kali dapat diubah untuk mengikut kemahuanku malah sesiapa pun. Tiba masanya, ia tetap akan layu dan mati.

Teringat seketika pada sebuah madah pujangga lewat musim yang lalu. Pernah aku ibaratkan kasih yang tertanam dalam hati ini sebagai pohon hijau yang perlu dijaga dan disiram sebaiknya; kalau tidak, layu dan matilah ia.

Tiba-tiba perasaan sayu menggodam hati. Betullah kata orang, setiap sesuatu yang bermula pasti ada penghujung/penamatnya. Itulah lumrah hidup. Aku yang terlupa, leka mungkin.

Membuatku terfikir lebih jauh mendalam. Bilakah masa untukku akan tiba? Sudah bersediakah aku?

Real story: Drama is powerful than pain killer....

Spending the whole day and night in bed over the past one week has given me the opportunity to watch never-seen-before TV programs on Astro. Besides my personal sexual interests in bananas, I couldn't help but feel amazed at how well-formed and high-quality the Korean dramas are. Sometimes I feel that they even surpassed the Western standard in drama production, as they are so well-written, rich in culture of their own, and presented in a way that made me think Koreans are strong with family values.

Put the language barrier aside (fret not, the English translation is provided), I could simply blend myself into the story and being a hopeless romantic I am, shed my tears over some touching scenes (an emperor was dying and during his final moment pledged his endless love to his empress and hoped to see her much sooner in their afterlives, which he had never done it before to any of his wives; and he was dead before his only heir to the throne - still a baby, was brought in to his bed chamber; to which the empress cried... so did I).

Also, there was a moment in which a radio personnel broke up with her boyfriend (on a secret request to the stupid guy by her own father) and they had to discuss about separation issue on air together. As the guy read his part from the script, "Why must we meet, share the laughter, pull the ship together, when at the end of the day we have to say goodbye? Why must goodbye be a word so cheap to be uttered? Is love too cheap to be found too?", I again shed my tears, I felt the pain, lost and sadness in their eyes. Too strong they portrayed it that I forgot I was only watching a drama.

I also couldn't help to laugh out loud to the funny and hilarious My Dad Loves Trouble. It pulled my mind away from the pain and miserable life that I am going through. I love the colors, the mountains, the rivers, the people, of course, the houses, and the list goes endlessly.

Oh, I also watched how Rain made it to a successful singing/dancing/acting career, and cried when I learned that his mother died before he launched his debut album. The scene where he bowed few times at her mother's remain was the peak of the peak of my emotional side, I just couldn't stop crying!

I must confess though, that my only motivation in watching the Korean channel is actually the cute actors. However, let me get it straight here, after some time watching, I realized that it is the show itself that made me stick and crave for more. The gorgeous people featured in the show is now only a bonus to me. I guess, that has made me a human...

Here's a short list of my favorite, worth watching Korean dramas:

1) The Iron Empress - period, love 'em!
2) Emperor of the Sea - period, now playing
3) My Dad Loves Trouble - period, suddenly out of the program list. Damn!
4) Boys Over Flowers - present day, very teeny weeny, now playing