Life = glass?

Sometimes I feel life is too fragile, like a glass. Should there be no patience and faith, it could be broken into pieces. Destroyed. Finished. Done. 


He broke it off two days before my 32nd birthday. He found/met someone else. Fine.'Well, good for you. I'm happy to hear that.'


Why am I too easily broken lately, I have no idea.


Nevertheless, I'm blessed with a new person in my life - a hunk I met seven years ago. Too quick for a replacement? Maybe. Well, who cares anyway? As long as I am happy. Welcome to my life...

Please stop ignoring me....

What are you looking for that you did not find in my heart. What do you want that I can no longer meet.


This is me, please take some of your time and effort to understand me. I may not be a perfect person, but there is only you that I have in my heart.

It's not even safe in my own house...

It was kind of hot earlier on today, so I let my living room and bedroom windows opened widely to allow the wind to blow in hence cool down the entire interior of my apartment. Then suddenly it was raining cat and dog in the afternoon around 4-something p.m. Too heavy it was, rainwater flowing in through the opened windows and flooding the floor in my living room. Clumsily I quickly ran out of my room to close the windows in the living room. Unfortunately I didn't notice the already wet floor, so I slipped and my right leg was banged onto the wooden 'perahu' loveseat, while the fifth, smallest toe was caught on the leg of the chair and caused a very deep cut. A stream of blood was flowing from it, and when I inspected closely I became panic with what I saw. I thought 'Ya Allah, jari aku terputus...'


Panicked, I rang my mother but immediately I hung up - she's far, how could she lend a help. I rang E**a, and also hung up - I don't think he is capable enough [anyway, it has been proven he is totally unreliable]; so finally I called up Ariff and he quickly came to my rescue. So off we went to the nearest clinic, got the cut stitched up [forgot to count how many stitches I received, didn't even dare to look]. BIG THANK YOUs to Ariff  for being a darling, also to Boring for buying rations for me.


I could barely walk. But now I know who is reliable and who is not. Bastard....

I care for you....

Sometimes a simple dinner at home, even when you just tapau from a warong, can bring the joy of life; simply because you share the moment with the person who meant a lot to you. Tonight's menu - chicken padprik and omelet served with steamed rice. To add value and to show how much I care, I get him a pot of fresh coconut juice to detoxify and cleanse up his body. 


That's my way of showing him that he means something to me, and I care about him. I don't have to say the words he's been yearning to hear coming out from my mouth. To me, words are cheap and more often than not doesn't carry value in them. My actions would just simply do as it carries value and is much more meaningful. 


'This is the sweetest thing you've ever done for me, sayang.'


See!

I'm the Greatest Lover to my friends.....

Gawai Day is a harvest festival, a thanksgiving day of sorts to mark the end of good harvest and farming season, celebrated annually on the 1st June by tribes in Sarawak. It is a religious ritual and family reunion all at the same time. 

I have never been to such a festival, unlike Chinese New Year, Deepavali and Christmas which are almost have become part of me due to its familiarity and widely celebrated and promoted in Peninsular Malaysia. I celebrated CNY since I was at very young age; I together with my other 2 elder siblings grew up befriending and playing with my opposite Chinese neighbour, siblings - Ng Lay Siong and Ng Wai Yee. Too close we were, their house was mine. I remember one morning we were playing numbering games; Nyonya, as their mother was referred to by me, overheard me calling out a 4-digit combination which she thought would be quite a nice combination to buy a lottery ticket. As she was busy preparing lunch for her children, Nyonya forgotten altogether about the combination and lottery ticket. The next afternoon she came to see my mom, feeling regret and cursing herself for being forgetful; because the combination I called out the day earlier came out in the newspaper as third place in a 4D lottery...

Anyway, back to the Gawai Day, when an old friend last night insisted me on attending an open house for Gawai Day held by his ex-university mate in Kota Damansara, after much persuasion I finally agreed to follow. I needed to be away and take my mind off of him too. So off we went to the open house with another friend who just came from Lahad Datu,Sabah. For an obvious reason, I was there in the car to provide assistance in finding the way to the exact location - I've been known to this old friend as the 'living GPS', and also to be the fun storyteller for the boys' night out...

The journey to Kota Damansara from Cheras was hence filled with catching ups, gossips, laughingoutlouds, and whatnot. As usual I was the centre of conversation, being laughed at and listened to at the same time. My advice was sought after and usually agreed upon by everybody, often used, be used, and manipulated by these people in their everyday lives. To a certain extent I was kind of forced to reveal my own experience in rationalizing, reasoning, and finding the logics in each and every single piece of my advice and opinion. I tend to sometimes exaggerate the facts and figures, just to make fun out of it especially on serious issues to avoid suasana tegang, which I quickly admitted that I was just 'acah aje' hence I went on 'don't believe in whatever I said!'.

My friends somehow see me as someone who is highly-experienced when it comes to love as well as making love, i.e. sex. Boo, I am now blushing. But seriously, in many occasions I turned down meetingups with friends just because I know they were going to seek my advice on these favorite issues. Last night was a perfect example; Gawai Day open house and living GPS were used as reasons to get me out of my own house and let my 'invaluable opinions' heard. As for me, I need friends to take my crowded mind out of the already congested box of my life. And the thought of consumptuous meal is simply irresistable...

I was right about the food. Cikgu, the host, was simply an excellent cook. There were 2 tables serving food - first table served with the infamous Sarawak layered cakes, there were 6 different types of them - sisik ikan, cheese and chocolate, cheese, pandan, traditional, and nuts - each and every single type did not fail to make me went ooh-ahhs for their being absolutely sweet, unique and delicious; then there were my all-time favorite pineapple tarts - so rich that I managed to empty half of the container on my own alone, the undisappointed sweet chess-board pudding in pink and white, and the good-while-chatting cashew nuts and kacang tanah goreng. All freshly home-made with love and passion for tasty food and cooking... I didn't want to leave the place at all just to finish up all cakes laid down on the silver Queen Anne.

The second table served the main course for the night - laksa Sarawak which last night was the first time I ever tasted and immediately fell in love with that I took another 2 plates, a strange-looking but very inviting glutinous rice in grey color served with chicken traditionally cooked in bamboo but in its absence still no less tasted the same from the original way of cooking, a very soft duck which looked and tasted exactly like rendang Tok only that it was not rendang - it has a Chinese name which I cannot recall, and last but not least mixed vegetables that complimented the rest of the meal like a necklace to a well-dressed lady. A cooking tip that I learned from Cikgu is that whenever you cook lamb, meat, duck or whatever sorts of those, to make sure they are soft and tender when you bite them, put a silver spoon inside and cook them together. Hmmm......

After hours of filling up ourselves with warm chats, laughs, and great food, we thanked Cikgu for her hospitality and over the top delicious food she fed us, and left the place. Secretly I wished my mom is as excellent cook as Cikgu too... 

Not satisfied with the amount of time we spent together and hungry for more 'fantasies' from this great lovestoryteller, and since malam masih muda, my friends insisted on heading to The Curve for a round of drink and coffee. Unable to let them down, I suggested The Apartment. So off we went, being the last customers for the night laughing and making fun of ourselves, and more and more advice and opinion and sharing my love life experience with the two. 

Still unsatisfied, we then went off to Puduraya to collect another younger friend who just arrived from Johor Bharu and had another round of coffee at Pelita Restaurant in Jalan Ampang near KLCC, just to hear my rambling over relationship, love and more sex. Me with the black 'ketayap' (Muslim's prayer cap) getting drunk from absolutely delicious food, lots of coffee and talking craps in the mamak restaurant with friends laughing out loud - obviously lepas laku in the public; provided a strange vision to the onlooking strangers around us - What the hell this pious-looking guy is doing and talking like that uncontrollably...such a contrast to what he is wearing on his balding head!!

Such a contrast is as how I see and realize myself in my life, love-hate and relationships. I may be able to provide invaluable help and useful advice and opinion for my friends, but on the contrary still unable within my own conscious mind to help my own self when it comes to my own love, life, and relationship. I become hopeless and helpless.

Like I told them last night, 'After haven't heard from him for some time, after he hurt my feelings, after he lost my already little trust on him, I don't wanna give a damn and a piece of shit about him anymore'. But the moment a much awaited SMS popped in my supposedly-but-not-so-smart phone, upon reading it, a simple line of 'hi...how are you doing?', I instantly melted inside and outside. Unfortunately, it was too easy and obvious for my friends to see that my point of you have to be strong and powerful, could not even apply to myself. We laughed at me to the end!!

Gawai Day caused me drunk in food, friendship, and a deep sea of love. I am back to the love game again. Damn!

I knew it!!!

You are just my next favorite mistake.


Go on, keep on fooling me. 


You've broken me successfully, E **a!

In the state of hesitancy....

Damn, why is it too difficult for me to just tell him that I missed him a lot? 
Why couldn't I bring myself to tell him that I'm falling in love with him?


Why am I so afraid to open this door and love again? 
Why??