In somber mood...

Death is right in front of us. It lingers around, it is everywhere.
It takes away those whom we love and brings despair to us all who left behind.

Memories remain, keep them safely. Nevertheless, life must go on.

To Zamri, al-fatihah....
(He passed away on 29th May 2008)

Call me katak (yang comel) di bawah tempurung, I don't care!

Oh, how I miss the familiarity of my own place (home, to be exact)...
I have never realized that I dislike the opposite until I stepped my foot on this kiasu land. It is true then that we always thought the grass is always greener on the other side. Of course, most of the time we are wrong because we always tend to underestimate our own ground.

For all the good things that have been said about this place by many, I beg to differ.

For one, while walking from my hotel to the nearest MRT station, no doubt the preserved old buildings are so very beautiful that I can't help but to admire, even envy, the endless preservation efforts by the government (and also the citizen), and the efficiency of the public transportation is beyond our (Malaysian) reach, but along the way I can see clearly rubbish, cigarette butts being thrown all over. Now, who dares telling me straight to my face that Singapore is indeed very clean?

Also, from my observation, Malays in Singapore are lazy. How?

I reached there very early in the wee hour, feeling so sleepy and tired (although the journey by bus only took me about 4 hours). With my luggage under my head, I slept on a bench at the bus station, accompanied by another 3 European backpackers whom I bet at lost (they are however, gorgeous and hunky!). By 7 a.m., I walked towards the MRT station heading to Tanjung Pagar where my hotel is situated at. After safe-keeping my luggage at the hotel, I went out walking to find a place to have breakfast (I was damn starving). It was not that hard to find a food court (although it was dominated by Chinese hawkers) and that morning I can only find one stall which sells (halal) Malay food. I hesitated because the door was only half-opened (but there were already people queuing to buy some apparently Nyonya kuih). When I approached the makcik (who moves slowly), and I ordered mee rebus which was clearly printed on the menu, she told me off that everything is not ready yet except the kuih and dull-looking fried noodle and meehoon (and it was already 8 a.m.)!

"Hello makcik, nak berniaga ke tidak....??!"
She stared back at me with the classic I-hate-you-Malaysian-people look.

Food sucks!! Tasteless!! I ordered a plate of fried rice with chicken and fried egg (they call it "telur mata lembu" - I assume there is no kerbau in Singapore!) for my dinner at a presumably famous restaurant near Kampung Glam. The reason I patronized the restaurant was because it was packed with people (mostly Malay and some gorgeous Mat Sallehs...yummy!) I had to wait to be seated, so I easily made my own assumption that it has to be damn good! To my horror surprise, when the food arrived, my fried rice was like the one cooked with perencah nasi goreng segera Adabi. It was plain, no vegetables whatsoever! What about the chicken? Hidden underneath the fried egg, sliced into small pieces (at least five slices). I wanted to laugh out loud when the waiter asked me to pay on the spot - the price: SGD5! Crap! My tastebud's savior for the night was the chilli sauce in packet (naughty minded, cynically I guessed that they got it from McDonald's!).

And a group of friends at the very next table to mine was talking happily and endlessly about how marvellous their food tastes! Oh, my dear friends, have you ever been to any other places outside Kampung Glam/Singapore? (Get a life!!)

Ironically, the very next day in a local English newspaper, it promotes Singapore Food Festival that promises great food tasting experience! Hah!!! I had a good laugh with my travel mate that early morning.

I went to Boat Quay one night to watch the Water Fools show (very ironic) in conjunction with Singapore Arts Festival 2008. It was reported in a local English newspaper that the show and fireworks were so amazing and fantastic, beyond imagination. Boo, I was fooled! It was overrated. The last fireworks may have saved the event, though I was dying to think that our own DBKL fireworks show is much, much better, beyond Singapore's own imagination!

The river? It is indeed not as bad as ours, it is dark green in colour, unsmelly, unlike ours which looks like a river of teh susu that smells like shit. I do admire its river. But, I still can see sampah berenang-renang keriangan bersama rakan-rakannya. Bersih? Not at all, it was all myth!

People say shopping in Singapore is indeed a good therapy for those who feel depressed at home, and I thought I was lucky to be there during the Great Singapore Sale to take my mind off of the hectic, miserable life I live in KL. Well, it was Not-So-Great-Singapore-Sale in the end. I don't understand what's so great about it? KL is much more heaven and cheaper! Enough said.

Well, I do not see Singapore as a must-visit place. I would not feel ralat if I do not ever have a chance to go there (again). I would not miss it, that's definite.

3 days spent, I was already feeling boring on my first evening. Can't believe I was suffering from home-sickness by just going to Singapore (I still can remember, the last time I felt homesick during my first day at a boarding school when my mother left me all alone with my new friends (and some gorgeous seniors for me to admire at)!)....

Remembering you....

Duxton Road, Singapore.

Being here on a strange land where I don't feel fit in makes me feel incredibly lonely. Met new friends but still I feel empty and unhappy. I don't really enjoy it here, I can't wait to go back home where I belong.

I can't wait to see him (actually)...!

Indeed....

18 May 2008. You asked me what exactly I want from you. I did not answer, because it was indescribable, I was too devastated to find the right words.

But let me tell you now, for once and for all, "I just want to be loved by you, only you, no one else."

It is true.

Cintaku sampai ku menutup mata...
(How else must I tell you to make you understand?)

Tolonglah, cintailah aku!

You give me another heartbreak....(but I still deeply love you)....

At this most trying and difficult time, instead of trying to understand and lend me a hand, he deserted me. I am left helpless, all alone...

He has no idea how painful it is to struggle and fight with my own self. All he can see is a diseased person he must avoid, not even a single chance given to me to come back clean. He fails to understand that no trees can grow in just one night, they need water to grow and survive.

It is sad enough to know that the one you needed most in your life turned his back on you and left, leaving another wound to deal with...


- Until when you want to blame me...?
+ I will blame you forever, as long as my love is there for you (it can never die, it can only grows stronger...)

A partial of my subconscious mind....

While writing this I am slowly getting sober from "an overdose"....


Not exactly an option to chill out but I can only find this, so far, as an engine or a booster for me to "escape" (even for a few seconds) from whatever miseries that I am facing at the moment. Bad idea, I know. At this point of writing I feel like to throw up again, I lost count since this morning, indeed. Nothing came out, of course, since I have not been taking any food for the past 24 hours.


What drove me into this?


I don't really know, I can't tell for certain. All I know is I took it once "recreationally", then the rest was history. Plus with all the unfortunate things that keep on happening to me, I moved on from one type to another. I met new friends in the process, although the sincerity is still questionable given the fact that we just meet up and become friends for that particular moment when we are into it, but yet these people filled the empty spaces left by those whom I once considered as my real friends (and even my special one).


There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night, I cried (sometimes out loud) with no particular reasons. I was feeling so empty during that moment, I was afraid of the darkness and the loneliness, and I was scared to death that I might lose my mind. That was when I started to turn to substance (bad move).


I later experienced a major depression after I was again hit by a series of misfortunes, all at one time, one after another, in which I could no longer handled them on my own anymore. I lost everything, I mean everything. I thought I was strong, initially, but as time passed by it proved me wrong. As strong as I portrayed myself on the outside, my inner self was killing me rapidly that to a certain point I started to lose my faith, I lost my willing to live (attempted suicide twice), and I refused to see people as my paranoia told me that people were all laughing at me and my failure. I had no one to turn to, even my loved one turned his back on me, saying there is no one can help me but myself (which is true and I partly agreed, but all I needed from him was just a guidance and also a shoulder to cry on - that too much to ask?). I was devastated when he left (in fact I still do and in mourning mood).


I went to seek professional help. But being emotionally disturbed, the paranoia was all over me and I shortly pulled myself out thinking there is no one in this world I can trust anymore. My best friends? They simply cannot understand what I went through and what I was feeling, no matter how hard they tried to convince me that they do understand me well. I carried the blame too for I did not reveal the whole thing (well, I believe some things should remain secret though...).


I found peace and joy in substance, although I know they bring more harms than good. Certainly, this is only my "escapism" and I made a promise to myself, one fine day (soon) I will come out clean.


But at the moment, no matter what people say, it is here to remain as my best friend....

I'm back (through the grand entrance)!

I secretly told my inner self to stop writing, I thought there's nothing left in me to pour my heart out. What's the point anyway? Things would not change...

I forgot that at the very least, this is the only place I could be sincere to myself, a place where when I revisit again and again, I would be reminded of how, who, where and what I was. I do not have to worry about minding my words and thoughts. I can be in peace with myself here. This is my world (although virtual)...

So where have I gone? Too far, I guess.

In this trying time, I have been abused by nobody but me. I am still craving and wanting, with eyes wide open knowing that there's no one left to call and nowhere else to go. I was all alone, helpless, in my own paranoia that people laugh at my failure, that the world turns its back on me, and that even love hates me..!

I was dancing in the dark. Alone.

But I want this to end. I have to write, even if it is a death note. I have to feed my lonely soul. I have to live my life no matter how, come what may I need to pull through and be stronger. This is indeed my self-audit engine!