A partial of my subconscious mind....

While writing this I am slowly getting sober from "an overdose"....


Not exactly an option to chill out but I can only find this, so far, as an engine or a booster for me to "escape" (even for a few seconds) from whatever miseries that I am facing at the moment. Bad idea, I know. At this point of writing I feel like to throw up again, I lost count since this morning, indeed. Nothing came out, of course, since I have not been taking any food for the past 24 hours.


What drove me into this?


I don't really know, I can't tell for certain. All I know is I took it once "recreationally", then the rest was history. Plus with all the unfortunate things that keep on happening to me, I moved on from one type to another. I met new friends in the process, although the sincerity is still questionable given the fact that we just meet up and become friends for that particular moment when we are into it, but yet these people filled the empty spaces left by those whom I once considered as my real friends (and even my special one).


There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night, I cried (sometimes out loud) with no particular reasons. I was feeling so empty during that moment, I was afraid of the darkness and the loneliness, and I was scared to death that I might lose my mind. That was when I started to turn to substance (bad move).


I later experienced a major depression after I was again hit by a series of misfortunes, all at one time, one after another, in which I could no longer handled them on my own anymore. I lost everything, I mean everything. I thought I was strong, initially, but as time passed by it proved me wrong. As strong as I portrayed myself on the outside, my inner self was killing me rapidly that to a certain point I started to lose my faith, I lost my willing to live (attempted suicide twice), and I refused to see people as my paranoia told me that people were all laughing at me and my failure. I had no one to turn to, even my loved one turned his back on me, saying there is no one can help me but myself (which is true and I partly agreed, but all I needed from him was just a guidance and also a shoulder to cry on - that too much to ask?). I was devastated when he left (in fact I still do and in mourning mood).


I went to seek professional help. But being emotionally disturbed, the paranoia was all over me and I shortly pulled myself out thinking there is no one in this world I can trust anymore. My best friends? They simply cannot understand what I went through and what I was feeling, no matter how hard they tried to convince me that they do understand me well. I carried the blame too for I did not reveal the whole thing (well, I believe some things should remain secret though...).


I found peace and joy in substance, although I know they bring more harms than good. Certainly, this is only my "escapism" and I made a promise to myself, one fine day (soon) I will come out clean.


But at the moment, no matter what people say, it is here to remain as my best friend....