"Don't you worry, when I'm in a relationship, I know how to behave myself..."
That was the response I got when I told M once upon a time, to take good care and to behave, and to keep those beautiful eyes from looking at strangers to avoid unnecessary attention and unwanted circumstances. I even had the guts, to my surprise, to even say, "I'll get jealous!". I was so convinced by the response and boo, how I was fooled! Or rather, I let myself being a fool for failing to face the fact and reality of a delicate relationship. Or much better still, I actually loved to be fooled and cheated (how about that?).
There used to be someone not so long time ago that I wished and longed for (which happened to be M), to fulfill the emptiness in me, to reside in my lonely heart, and be there with me forever and ever (although "forever" is an absolute fragile in real!). I kept myself straight (that is, determined), that this person is the one for me and I would not turn my back and walk away anymore. Sounds promising? Cannot blame myself when I am deeply in love though, I will be an absolute fool and stab my own heart to death just to convince myself that this is love that I am getting and going through, and I have to work it out no matter what, whatever it takes!
Determined but slowly, I tried to woo that insecure heart, not wanting to jump into another hot soup like I did previously with an asshole long time ago when I took a very short time for the first time in my life to commit to a fragile, shitty relationship who later left me with a huge debt I had to carry for years to come (I actually walked out of the disastrous relationship when I lost control of it and of course, of myself)! I was told then, however, that I was moving too slow. And later on when I increased the pace of courting, I was thrown with a disappointment upon being told by M that there was actually a third person that exists and by then making the newly found and yet to be built relationship with M an impossible.
Eventually, somehow, the impossible seemed to be possible and that was how the story went on. Gone the third person (too crowded, I believe), I had to deal with the very self of the person I secretly pledged my loyalty to. The un-readiness had become the main cause of rejection to my proposal for everlasting love (yuck!), along with "You are a kind person" and "You deserve someone better" shits. Inspired and trying to chew as well as practice the idea of how a very kind person I am that deserve someone better (and being rejected for such quality), I fell into the arms of a "con lover" who misled me to believe that I was dating a single, sincere, too-good-to-be-true, damn cute human being only to be discovered later that it was all nothing but another bullshit and that I was only a killing-time factor while fixing up the shaken relationship is in process (well, that is another story!)!
The fact that I was seeing someone else brought the impossible relationship with M to another level, in which I was convinced that I had caused a heart broken (which I did not understand why, considering the fact that I was already casually rejected by M personally). "I am ready to accept you to come into my life now, but suddenly you have a Shark (to eat you alive)..." That was the saying given to me by M when we met one particular night after dinner, when I let the whole world (well, just to M actually) know that I was dating that yet-to-be-discovered con lover - a shark!
And, being a "kind person" myself, and still affectionately much into the unearthed relationship, I came back to chase the high above expectation love from M. Things did not change much nonetheless this time. Same old story being repeated over and over again. I was once again chasing the rainbow in the sky high above me, still deeply believe that "Don't you worry, when I'm in a relationship, I know how to behave myself..." (yeah, damn right!).
Damn well I am sure about it! And being a fool myself, I gave in, believed everything that M said, and gave all my trusts. Next thing I knew, M was having another affair that had flourished for already two months (ironically, they met in a farewell party!) while I was reigning - that's what I thought, at least. The funny thing is, the person that M was seeing at that moment, also did ask me out for a date! Duh, a threesome proposal...?
A severely wounded soldier, I lost my strength to fight, so I surrendered myself and walked on straight leaving the tiresome battlefield behind me.
Oh, how I love being fooled!
Gabrielle - Out of Reach
Knew the signs, wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused, my heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK
But I was so confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you
But now I'm so confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Out of reach, so far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me...
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