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Bahkan selalu....

Tetapi aku ini umpamanya pemuisi yang memuja bintang nun jauh di langit luas dan gelap, yang tidak langsung bisa aku gapainya sama sekali biarpun sehingga padamnya obor kehidupanku. Lantaran itu aku ukirkan dirimu ke atas helaian-helaian akalku, agar bisa ku kutip kembali dan nikmati keindahannya di saat-saat kerinduan datang meribut dalam kotak fikiranku ini. Kamu hadir cuma untuk seketika sahaja, tetapi gegaran yang kamu bawa dalam kamar hidupku maha besar sekali sehinggakan aku tidak berdaya sama sekali untuk menidakkan perasaan yang bergelora ini, lantas kubiarkan ia bersemarak supaya ketenangan jiwa senantiasa berada dalam perolehanku setiap kali kamu hanyutkan aku dalam khayalan bersama kamu.

Namun sampai kapan aku mampu bertahan? Aku juga manusia biasa... hati ini akan layu kegersangan juga satu hari nanti tanpa dibajai...

Aduh...ngapain aku nih?

It's a boring Thursday...

Work sucks. Life sucks.

Love sucks too.

I want to be free and live life without worries....!




I want love.

It's "Gone"

There's a thousand words that I could say to make you come home
Seems so long ago you walked away and left me alone
And I remember what you said to me, you were acting so strange
And maybe I was too blind to see that you needed a change

Was it something I said, to make you turn away, to make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way to make it so that you were right here, right now

I've been sitting here, can't get you off my mind
I'm trying my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're gone

Now I don't wanna make excuses, baby, won't change the fact that your gone
But if there's something that I could do won't you please let me know
The time is passing so slowly now
Guess that's my life without you
And maybe I could change my everyday but baby I don't want to

So I'll just hang around and find some things to do to take my mind off missing you
And I know in my heart, you can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do

What will I do if I can't be with you?
Tell me where will I turn to, baby who will I be?
Now that we are apart, am I still in your heart?
Baby why don't you see that I need you here with me?

But the truth remains, you're gone...

It's a drama....

Zhariz: Uhh.. Hey, A!
A: Uh huh.
Zhariz: Thank you for being man enough to come.
A: Zhariz,what's this all about?

Zhariz: I know he's leaving me for you.
A: Who said that? Who told you that is true?
Zhariz: What is he telling you? Could it be the same things that he told me?
A: He told me that he loved me.
Zhariz: I heard that.
A: He told me I was...
Zhariz: beautiful...?
A: How did you know? How did you know?
Zhariz: Cause I've played that scene before.

Zhariz: This is a retake of my life. I was his star for many nights. Now the roles have changed and you're the leading lad in his life. Lights! Camera! Now you're on. Just remember you've been warned. Enjoy it now cause it won't last. Same script, different cast...

A: What you're saying could be true, but how can I take advice from you?
Zhariz: I'm not hating but I wish the one before me would have warned me too, babe.
A: Don't say no more! La la la la la la la la la...
Zhariz: Uncover your ears, man!
A: I'm not listening..! La la la la la la la la la...
Zhariz: But I know you hear me. Maybe my reasons are wrong, but I know that you believe me.
A: It's your fault you didn't love him enough.
Zhariz: That's the problem, I loved him too much! And when you love him, he becomes unattracted to you.
A: Oh no, he's changing now. I'll prove you wrong.
Zhariz: No, you won't!
A: Go away, leave us the hell alone cause he loves me!
Zhariz: He'll hurt you...
A: He'll stay with me! For sure...
Zhariz: He'll leave you... For sure...

A: This is a retake of your life. You were his star for many nights, but now the roles have changed and I'm the leading lad in his life. Lights, camera, now you're on. Just remember you've been warned. Enjoy it now cause this will last. I'm the future, you're his past!

Zhariz: Same script, different cast...


Hiks!

It's a 'rush hour' affair

What ever had happened to the traffic flow in the city lately? People are being inconsiderate while driving, slow drivers are making ways shooing us away from the 3 lanes highways, unreliable traffic officers controlling the traffic flow (they are much better in bartering, issuing tickets or proposing a fund-raising for their coffee break endowment), undecided and lost 'treasure-hunters' are all over the town.

The truth is, I cannot understand why some people must have this 'lack of urgency' attitude. I am not asking them to rush it all the way, but at the very least all they can do is not acting like they are the only one on the road, holidaying and enjoying the scenery of the rock jungle in the city to the extent that they disregard to pick up the pace when the light turns green! Worst scenario, when it comes to your turn it is already too late because you are made immovable again for a horrible 5 minutes when the light goes red!

Are these to-name-a-few situations suggesting me being an impatient, intolerant driver? But, on a second thought, would there be road-bullies if they were not provoked in some ways in the first place? If that is the case, maybe I should opt for 'incidental, provoked road bully' for my driving style.

As a result, I arrived home from work quite late, feeling distraught at the maximum level when I had to fight my way through the rush hour begging to myself for a smooth driving experience, which of course can never be a reality.When I entered the living room, to my surprise, a delicate scent, which is so familiar, struck my nose. I wondered if my flat mate was around, but he was nowhere to be found. And it never came across my conscious mind that he would shower himself with 'that' scent, not in a zillion years! He would use something more 'mannish' according to his own interpretation to express his very own macho-ness and masculinity. Yeah, whatever!

A logic justification would be someone that I knew had come by earlier. The familiar scent, and the aura of existence that caused instant chaotic heartbeat to me the moment I stepped into the house told me that that 'someone' was actually there in my house. My mind began to involuntarily entered the purposely-untouched area inside my brain, revisited the restricted area which I hope to be seized forever the moment I saw the unwanted, heart-breaking incident on that eye-opening, fateful day.

Whilst feeling a sudden electric shock-like, I sat down, trying to catch a deep breath (and by doing so I actually inhaled the delicate scent more into my entire body until it became part of me, and I never wanted it to vanish,ever). After some sense and 'stability' regained, I decided to take a shower and let the water flow all over my body and rinse myself off of my yesterdays.

Upon entering my bedroom, there it was, laid on my recently bought tempered glass magazine rack, a piece of white color paper, cut in a rushing manner into a quarter size of an A4, with a note on it. I picked it up and read it out loud.

Sampai rumah you sudah. XXX

Well, someone was really, really there, indeed. I cannot help but to wonder, was it a good or a bad omen? Is it going to be forever like this, that the spirit of that someone will haunt me for the rest of my life, or am I the one who is actually haunted by my own self? Is there a possibility for a relationship to bloom for the second time? Then again, why am I hoping for things to change? Why do I have to allow myself to be exposed to another certain heartbreak, feeling hurt even more than now? Could there be light at the end of this tunnel, or is it just a dead end?

I reread the note. I felt and saw a smile on my face. Suddenly all the troubles I went through while driving home did not matter to me anymore. I began to understand that life's like that; sometimes you have to go through all the troubles only to find peace and comfort in your own haven at the end of the day.

In my case, I found peace inside me...not to be bothered by someone, or anyone (hopefully).

May God give you a rainbow for each storm, a smile for each tear, a blessing for each trial, a song for each sigh, an answer to each prayer, and a sweet dream for each night...

It's a well-known fact...

Sometimes life can be funny.

You wish upon a star, you keep on dreaming. You give it up, it falls upon you. In my case, the star I once wishing for, seems to be coming right through me unexpectedly. But it won't stay, I believe.

Never had I stopped loving it. But a star will always be a star. Instead of wishing I could hold it, perhaps it is better to just walk under its bright light...

How I've missed my lucky shining star!

It's just a song that I play in my mind...

Tak terkata bibirku pabila memandangmu
Biarkan ku tenggelam
Sememangnya detik bahagia

Tak pernah pula kau merinduiku
Tak pernah juga kau menerimaku
Kau buat ku tenggelam dalam mimpi yang indah
Aku rindu, aku jemu...

Berikanku cinta seandainya ada
Bila cinta diharap balas tiada
Walau seketika cuma kita bersama
Aku rindu, aku jemu dengan mu

Inginku merindumu
Bawaku bersamamu
Inikah namanya cinta bila ramai mengganggu

Tak pernah pula kau merinduiku
Tak pernah engkau menerimaku
Aku masih tenggelam dalam mimpi yang pedih
Aku rindu, aku jemu denganmu

Kini makin suram daku terkenangkan waktu bersamamu
Semakin jauh daku terus tenggelam, ku selalu merindu
Walau seketika bersama, abadikan detik bahgia
Abadikanlah keikhlasan di hatiku...

It's my faux pas....

I have skipped my routine class for, if I am not mistaken, more than two months already. The fact that I got easily tired these days, and also the calamity that fell upon the temple being the result of endless raids to places where all the cuties and hotties met (not many of them were of the quality that I expected though), I found out that paying a visit to the class is after all, a boring and waste of time sort of affair. And money as well.

Not wanting to exacerbate the condition of my already shrinking pocket and wallet, I decided to stick to my New Year's resolution, i.e. the class is only to be attended once in an entire month. Well, I have made it so far, implausibly (standing ovation)!

Behind all these determination, a reason lies beneath. I mean, I wouldn't be so successfully abide to my own rule (they are made to be broken, mind you!) and being a fragile person myself, I could easily forget what on earth I had decided earlier, hit the road and just be a man about it. Grown-up and wiser (I hope so), I put it up to my own words. Once a friend from the class asked, "Why are you avoiding the class? What is it that you are so uncomfortable about?" I did not give him a truthful answer anyway as I believe every single human being is entitled for some white lies or better still, just tight-lipped.

Ironically, as much as I wanted to be wiser, I still cannot overcome that infantile behavior in me. My inner side unfailingly convinced me that instead of facing the music, I should run away from things and people who caused me troubles and glooms. Hence, the act of escaping from the class. After all these years and experiences, I have yet to learn to let go and walk out as a free man as the chain of reminiscences that clinging at the back of my mind keeps telling and reminding me of my faux pas, that I cannot forgive and forget. Well, that only applies to selected few which if I were to list them down I would take merely two seconds to finish writing their names, no kidding (because there is only one)!

Honestly, at this moment, there is only one reason why I have temporarily stopped attending the much missed class.

Because I am still broken....