Duhai tetamu Allah....

Untuk apa jua, hanya kemaafan yang aku pohon darimu.

Tenanglah, tiada apa lagi yang aku tahankan. Mana mungkin, semuanya untuk bahagiamu.

Nevertheless, thank you loads. Be known that you are deeply appreciated. And deeply missed too (beyond words).

(Love - hush....)

Dan bunga-bunga pun gugur berserakan.....

Today I watched that stupid 80's movie "Suara Kekasih" and I cried inside (because my mother was also watching right next to me).

Damn, I felt like an idiot!

Back to where I belong....

I feel safe (but not so good though) now.

Still throwing up but feeling a little okay than this afternoon. Changed my mind not to check-in to hospital, so I packed my stuff and drove back to KP straight away. In my mind, if I was to die, let me die in my mother's arm.

Usually it takes me almost one and a half hour to reach home but today, I set the record of 4 hours. Had to pull over and do away with the vomiting business.

Forget about work tomorrow. I need to rest (in peace).

I am ill...

Went to work this morning only to inform my boss how ill I am. While in her room, I threw up. Sorry, boss!

I could not stand the pain any longer, so I went home right away. I took some aspirins, tried to sleep but every 3 minutes or so, I threw up again. Up till now.

I am sick, and I am so exhausted from the vomiting. All these pain and vomitings reminded me of the late Zamri.

I really have no idea of how my body system works now. (There's no one around now) I am scared, what if...

Ni hao, Beijing?

Off to KLIA by 9 a.m, I was so kelam kabut taking the LRT then ERL yesterday morning; the result of last minute packing and also SOS text to my brother asking him to lend me his high resolution, canggih camera. I am not really a last minute person when it comes to travelling, but since I was not looking forward for this one trip, I took my own sweet time which later turned out to be absolute chaotic.

Anyway, on the ERL, I saw and sat opposite (not directly, I hid behind a seat) someone whom I knew from somewhere. I have his number but it was not vice versa. Lucky that he didn't see me, I set my mobile on silent mode and sent him a sms " Fuad, tie up your shoe lace!" He was so gelabah, looked around, tied up his shoe lace and replied "Done. Thanks. Who's there anyway?" I smiled alone (I was in fact alone) reading it but decided not to reply. He kept on sending "Who's there? Please, tell me your name, don't do this to me...". Then he sent me, "Is that you, wearing white T and blue jeans, reading a book?" Oooppsss, kantoi! Still I did not reply. But then he sent another sms, "If that is you, well, you're kinda cute!" I ignored him right away. He disembarked at Putrajaya. Before leaving the train he looked at me and I gave him a "what??" look. Well, that was that.

I boarded Cathay Pacific. The flight to Hong Kong was smooth (thank God) although it was cold there when I arrived. Less than 2 hours transit actually left me no time to wandering around. But the next time when people ask I can tell them that "Hey, I've been in Hong Kong (International Airport only)!" Heard that it was easy to get porn magazines there, but maybe later.

The next 3 hours journey to Beijing was a drama of air turbulance and I swear it was damn scary. All the way everyone was screaming to the top (including me), some even cried (excluding me). I was so scared to death that we might explode, plunge into the sea, on the desert, or even skid while landing. 3 Chinese girls sitting right behind me threw up and the whole cabin was smelly with, well, yeah, of course! I swear will never board Dragon Air (China's version of Air Asia) ever again! I think it was because of the name itself, that only selected ones can carry "dragon". Keramat, as they say and believe. However, the steward who dropped the hot meal on my lap was cute and I now would love to believe that he indeed did it on purpose, not by accident (plane tak bergoncang pun masa tu, ya...!).

Touched down almost 10 minutes to midnight, Beijing Capital International Airport was opened right on time for the Olympic 2008, so it was of course new, clean and beautiful inside out. Setting my feet on its land for the first time, Beijing was so damn cold and windy. Anyways, I couldn't be bothered (yet) with the weather, since the flight was a scary and terrible one, and I was extremely exhausted. Off to hotel, no shower and all, I immediately rested my head on the pillow and at no time fell asleep right away.

To mak, Happy Birthday! I love you more than anything, anyone.

From Beijing with love.

I just died in your arms tonight...

Matthew Heller

Autumn (Habitually Chic)....

Why did summer go so quickly
Was it something that I said
Lovers walking along the shore
Leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand
Pictures hanging in a hallway
And a fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Windmills of Your Mind

That dawn I became incredibly emotional....

Debbie, Ron, Imran & Arez....



...for being there...

p/s - Deb, forget not, you must be there till the very last sermon.

It's ok, that is life after all...

As much as I wanted to engrave this in my troubled mind, I still can't get over the pain, the sorrow that I myself allowed to drown into. Or worst, I refuse to get over it and move on. Yeah,there's a truth in it. Denying the truth and refuse to accept the reality,that things change, people change. Hearts do too.

Am I supposed to pretend that I don't feel the pain? When will I be free from this sorrow?

Maybe one day I will fall in love again,
but for now I'll just leave my heart in two...

A lonely silhouette dancing beneath the stars....

To'cha mai geti...

I live in the present, worry not about tomorrow.
Launch myself on every wave, try to find eternity in every moment.

But still I failed.

Aiyo...tekanan betullah!
Gi mandi bungalah hari ni!

Home Sweet Home - Part 2: Masculinity - the future bedroom?

I went to a home decor exhibition about 2 months ago (actually it was part of my stress therapy accompanied by my good friend Roni) and accidentally found a wallpaper which exactly matches the one that I had in my mind for ages.

Dying-ly, I have been wanting at least one wooden wall in my house, and I actually have planned to fix very dark brown laminated flooring on my bedroom wall to achieve that sense of masculinity (as shown, cantik tak?).

So, I paid RM50 as a deposit for the package, which I learned later from the salesgirl, would cost me about RM700 for a 10' x 12' wall including labor fee. I am not sure on whether wallpaper is much cheaper than laminated flooring to fix a wall, but all I know is I need another RM800 to buy a new queen-sized mattress and an unknown sum of money to build a platform to achieve the look I have been dreaming of.

Alah...! Looks like I have to cut down my expenses on "designer stuff"...! Bencilah!


Photo taken from Apartment Therapy.
(nama very the ironic!)

Home Sweet Home - Part 1: It's so Carrie (well,not quite)...!

Love it! I must have that bookshelf in my house soon (fingers crossed). I do think it carries Carrie's Manhattan old apartment look - cozy, spontaneous, casual, and quite fun too.

While she had a bench to complete the look, I might opt for the armchair as shown. If I can get the same armchair (for free hopefully, else I expect to find one in a junk store), I would repaint its frame shiny black and re-upholster with bold, funky fabric, to give it more pop, over-the-top new look.

That, if I can save the apartment...
(Bastard!)


Anyway, thanks to Nicole Balch (makingitlovely.com) for the inspiration.

Mengapa harus terjadi....

Mengapa semua ini harus terjadi
Di saat ku teguh pada pendirian
Menghabiskan sisa hidup denganmu
Kau tak lagi yang kuingin bersamaku selamanya...kasih

Tuhan tolong aku
Untuk dapat memahami derita batinku ini
Tuhan bantu aku
Agar sanggup kurelakan bila dia bukan untukku

Segenap rencana denganmu kekasih
Tak mungkin terjadi tanpa kehangatanmu
Kini bagai orang asing di hidupku
Tiada lagi sapa rindu kurasa darimu...kasih

(Bencilah....!)

Pulanglah....

Termenung ku sendiri
Memendam rindu tidak menentu
Kasih suci murni yang kita bina
Hapus hancur oleh kata fitnah

Di pagi hari raya
Hati sayu mengenang dirimu
Mudahnya kau menggantikan diriku
Seolah cintaku tak berharga

Apakah suratan, aidil fitri suatu titik akhir
Sekian lama bercinta, kau tiada di hari mulia

Keampunan ku pohon
Sekiranya aku yang berdosa
Pulanglah ku merinduimu sayang
Ku menanti dengan hati rela

Pulanglah kumerinduimu sayang
Ku menanti dengan jiwa raga

Pulanglah ke pangkuanku oh sayang
Ku menunggumu di hari raya...

Damn it!

Why did you have to be a heartbreaker,
when I was be-ing what you want me to be...


(Nothing's left for you but hate and deepest regret - and that's the truth!)

W Mag

Pyan...in memory (September 25, 2008)

I will always remember him as someone young, energetic, fun and definitely fabulous.
Unfortunately, he left us all behind, his beloved friends & family, too soon.

Nevertheless, I thank him for being part of our lives, whether he was a reason, a season or a lifetime. May he rest in peace, knowing that he left so many wonderful memories in each and everyone of us. His joy and laughter will always be remembered.

He was a fighter till the end.

Dear God, thank you for blessing us with a dear & lovely friend Suffian. Now that You have taken him away, bless his soul and let him rest in peace. It was a tough farewell, but You gave him the honor to surrender in Your arm in the holy month of Ramadhan.

"Aku sayang kau, Zam. Aku sayang semua kawan-kawan aku."
Hey, kenapa cakap macam tu pulak? Tak baik...
"Aku takut tak sempat nak cakap."
Be strong, okay. You must fight. Get well soon. Nanti kita boleh pergi holiday sama-sama lagi. Janji tau!
"Insya-Allah, kalau ada umur."

(And the love of The Almighty is much, much greater than us all...)

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Pyan was diagnosed with colon cancer stage 3, not long after we came back from holiday in Jogjakarta last February. He immediately went for surgery and followed by chemotherapy, which unfortunately his body had rejected. Meanwhile, the cancer had spread rapidly, but he did not give up hope. While being treated in Mount Elizabeth Hospital, Singapore, he collapsed in the bathroom, went into coma and never regain conscious until his last breath. He was laid in Tanah Perkuburan Ibukota, Gombak.

(And I secretly wished it was me....)

Bury me deep, I'm dead....

I am so done with crying, there's no more tears left to shed as I am led closer to the day my life as a rightful human being will be taken away.

I did mistakes. Some are still repeated (those are my favorite mistakes), some are learned, but there's one or two deeply regretted. For that I am now about to lose my rights, dignity and everything I have worked for.

Standing among peers and others, I am the most unfortunate lot. In every sense. I learned my lessons through a different and hardest way. My life has been a winding, bumpy road in every possible ways even when I thought I was doing okay.

I now no longer know how to be grateful that I am still here living and breathing when I am denied every rights as a person. At times when I sunk low and deep, I wished nothing but death to come upon me. It was too great (the urge), to end me indefinitely - to let the world finally know I was here, lived unhappily, and left as a complete loser.

It is at such a difficult time like this that we will know who's who. Fun is shared, hard time is spared. Wearing this hat, I now know who my real friends are. True friends are indeed rare. Even love has long gone, I have stopped believing.

"Look, we were just fucking. How about giving me a chance to breathe?"
Okay, I get it.

Too high the price that I have to pay for this mistake. I can't afford, I'm too exhausted to fight. I have totally gave up my life. Take whatever you want from me, for I have no wish to breathe.

There's no me anymore. I'm officially gone.

My best birthday gift ever....

Ten days ago, I celebrated my 29th birthday.

Correction, I reached the age of exactly 29 but no celebration whatsoever, just a few sms wishing me "Happy Birthday" from a small lots whom I consider as my best buddies. At least they didn't forget that not-so-important date in their lives. Thanks a lot, you happy lots!

I didn't get anything for my 29th birthday. To say I didn't expect anything on my big day is a lie, and it is also a lie to say that I did not feel disappointed when I got nothing this year. Also, it was a huge disappointment when those people you thought you are closed to did not remember at all!

But the best birthday gift I have ever had in my whole life is the presence of someone whom I would never find another ever. Though I later felt sorry and disappointed (with myself) because I missed the big breakfast I was supposed to have with him on that very morning (I left my phone in the car the night before and his calls went definitely unanswered, stupid me!!), the few minutes he spent with me was the best moment and the one that I cannot simply wish for more...

At 29, what more can I wish than love, peace and joy?

Wish I was there....

Called my mother to check things out. Sis has started to work, but she talk and eat less still. She keep herself isolated.

Zea is sent to her babysitter as usual. Back home yesterday, she ran to the bedroom looking and calling out for her abah...

God, give her the strength to move on. Protect them and shower them with love, peace and joy. Amin.

In somber mood...

Death is right in front of us. It lingers around, it is everywhere.
It takes away those whom we love and brings despair to us all who left behind.

Memories remain, keep them safely. Nevertheless, life must go on.

To Zamri, al-fatihah....
(He passed away on 29th May 2008)

Call me katak (yang comel) di bawah tempurung, I don't care!

Oh, how I miss the familiarity of my own place (home, to be exact)...
I have never realized that I dislike the opposite until I stepped my foot on this kiasu land. It is true then that we always thought the grass is always greener on the other side. Of course, most of the time we are wrong because we always tend to underestimate our own ground.

For all the good things that have been said about this place by many, I beg to differ.

For one, while walking from my hotel to the nearest MRT station, no doubt the preserved old buildings are so very beautiful that I can't help but to admire, even envy, the endless preservation efforts by the government (and also the citizen), and the efficiency of the public transportation is beyond our (Malaysian) reach, but along the way I can see clearly rubbish, cigarette butts being thrown all over. Now, who dares telling me straight to my face that Singapore is indeed very clean?

Also, from my observation, Malays in Singapore are lazy. How?

I reached there very early in the wee hour, feeling so sleepy and tired (although the journey by bus only took me about 4 hours). With my luggage under my head, I slept on a bench at the bus station, accompanied by another 3 European backpackers whom I bet at lost (they are however, gorgeous and hunky!). By 7 a.m., I walked towards the MRT station heading to Tanjung Pagar where my hotel is situated at. After safe-keeping my luggage at the hotel, I went out walking to find a place to have breakfast (I was damn starving). It was not that hard to find a food court (although it was dominated by Chinese hawkers) and that morning I can only find one stall which sells (halal) Malay food. I hesitated because the door was only half-opened (but there were already people queuing to buy some apparently Nyonya kuih). When I approached the makcik (who moves slowly), and I ordered mee rebus which was clearly printed on the menu, she told me off that everything is not ready yet except the kuih and dull-looking fried noodle and meehoon (and it was already 8 a.m.)!

"Hello makcik, nak berniaga ke tidak....??!"
She stared back at me with the classic I-hate-you-Malaysian-people look.

Food sucks!! Tasteless!! I ordered a plate of fried rice with chicken and fried egg (they call it "telur mata lembu" - I assume there is no kerbau in Singapore!) for my dinner at a presumably famous restaurant near Kampung Glam. The reason I patronized the restaurant was because it was packed with people (mostly Malay and some gorgeous Mat Sallehs...yummy!) I had to wait to be seated, so I easily made my own assumption that it has to be damn good! To my horror surprise, when the food arrived, my fried rice was like the one cooked with perencah nasi goreng segera Adabi. It was plain, no vegetables whatsoever! What about the chicken? Hidden underneath the fried egg, sliced into small pieces (at least five slices). I wanted to laugh out loud when the waiter asked me to pay on the spot - the price: SGD5! Crap! My tastebud's savior for the night was the chilli sauce in packet (naughty minded, cynically I guessed that they got it from McDonald's!).

And a group of friends at the very next table to mine was talking happily and endlessly about how marvellous their food tastes! Oh, my dear friends, have you ever been to any other places outside Kampung Glam/Singapore? (Get a life!!)

Ironically, the very next day in a local English newspaper, it promotes Singapore Food Festival that promises great food tasting experience! Hah!!! I had a good laugh with my travel mate that early morning.

I went to Boat Quay one night to watch the Water Fools show (very ironic) in conjunction with Singapore Arts Festival 2008. It was reported in a local English newspaper that the show and fireworks were so amazing and fantastic, beyond imagination. Boo, I was fooled! It was overrated. The last fireworks may have saved the event, though I was dying to think that our own DBKL fireworks show is much, much better, beyond Singapore's own imagination!

The river? It is indeed not as bad as ours, it is dark green in colour, unsmelly, unlike ours which looks like a river of teh susu that smells like shit. I do admire its river. But, I still can see sampah berenang-renang keriangan bersama rakan-rakannya. Bersih? Not at all, it was all myth!

People say shopping in Singapore is indeed a good therapy for those who feel depressed at home, and I thought I was lucky to be there during the Great Singapore Sale to take my mind off of the hectic, miserable life I live in KL. Well, it was Not-So-Great-Singapore-Sale in the end. I don't understand what's so great about it? KL is much more heaven and cheaper! Enough said.

Well, I do not see Singapore as a must-visit place. I would not feel ralat if I do not ever have a chance to go there (again). I would not miss it, that's definite.

3 days spent, I was already feeling boring on my first evening. Can't believe I was suffering from home-sickness by just going to Singapore (I still can remember, the last time I felt homesick during my first day at a boarding school when my mother left me all alone with my new friends (and some gorgeous seniors for me to admire at)!)....

Remembering you....

Duxton Road, Singapore.

Being here on a strange land where I don't feel fit in makes me feel incredibly lonely. Met new friends but still I feel empty and unhappy. I don't really enjoy it here, I can't wait to go back home where I belong.

I can't wait to see him (actually)...!

Indeed....

18 May 2008. You asked me what exactly I want from you. I did not answer, because it was indescribable, I was too devastated to find the right words.

But let me tell you now, for once and for all, "I just want to be loved by you, only you, no one else."

It is true.

Cintaku sampai ku menutup mata...
(How else must I tell you to make you understand?)

Tolonglah, cintailah aku!

You give me another heartbreak....(but I still deeply love you)....

At this most trying and difficult time, instead of trying to understand and lend me a hand, he deserted me. I am left helpless, all alone...

He has no idea how painful it is to struggle and fight with my own self. All he can see is a diseased person he must avoid, not even a single chance given to me to come back clean. He fails to understand that no trees can grow in just one night, they need water to grow and survive.

It is sad enough to know that the one you needed most in your life turned his back on you and left, leaving another wound to deal with...


- Until when you want to blame me...?
+ I will blame you forever, as long as my love is there for you (it can never die, it can only grows stronger...)

A partial of my subconscious mind....

While writing this I am slowly getting sober from "an overdose"....


Not exactly an option to chill out but I can only find this, so far, as an engine or a booster for me to "escape" (even for a few seconds) from whatever miseries that I am facing at the moment. Bad idea, I know. At this point of writing I feel like to throw up again, I lost count since this morning, indeed. Nothing came out, of course, since I have not been taking any food for the past 24 hours.


What drove me into this?


I don't really know, I can't tell for certain. All I know is I took it once "recreationally", then the rest was history. Plus with all the unfortunate things that keep on happening to me, I moved on from one type to another. I met new friends in the process, although the sincerity is still questionable given the fact that we just meet up and become friends for that particular moment when we are into it, but yet these people filled the empty spaces left by those whom I once considered as my real friends (and even my special one).


There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night, I cried (sometimes out loud) with no particular reasons. I was feeling so empty during that moment, I was afraid of the darkness and the loneliness, and I was scared to death that I might lose my mind. That was when I started to turn to substance (bad move).


I later experienced a major depression after I was again hit by a series of misfortunes, all at one time, one after another, in which I could no longer handled them on my own anymore. I lost everything, I mean everything. I thought I was strong, initially, but as time passed by it proved me wrong. As strong as I portrayed myself on the outside, my inner self was killing me rapidly that to a certain point I started to lose my faith, I lost my willing to live (attempted suicide twice), and I refused to see people as my paranoia told me that people were all laughing at me and my failure. I had no one to turn to, even my loved one turned his back on me, saying there is no one can help me but myself (which is true and I partly agreed, but all I needed from him was just a guidance and also a shoulder to cry on - that too much to ask?). I was devastated when he left (in fact I still do and in mourning mood).


I went to seek professional help. But being emotionally disturbed, the paranoia was all over me and I shortly pulled myself out thinking there is no one in this world I can trust anymore. My best friends? They simply cannot understand what I went through and what I was feeling, no matter how hard they tried to convince me that they do understand me well. I carried the blame too for I did not reveal the whole thing (well, I believe some things should remain secret though...).


I found peace and joy in substance, although I know they bring more harms than good. Certainly, this is only my "escapism" and I made a promise to myself, one fine day (soon) I will come out clean.


But at the moment, no matter what people say, it is here to remain as my best friend....

I'm back (through the grand entrance)!

I secretly told my inner self to stop writing, I thought there's nothing left in me to pour my heart out. What's the point anyway? Things would not change...

I forgot that at the very least, this is the only place I could be sincere to myself, a place where when I revisit again and again, I would be reminded of how, who, where and what I was. I do not have to worry about minding my words and thoughts. I can be in peace with myself here. This is my world (although virtual)...

So where have I gone? Too far, I guess.

In this trying time, I have been abused by nobody but me. I am still craving and wanting, with eyes wide open knowing that there's no one left to call and nowhere else to go. I was all alone, helpless, in my own paranoia that people laugh at my failure, that the world turns its back on me, and that even love hates me..!

I was dancing in the dark. Alone.

But I want this to end. I have to write, even if it is a death note. I have to feed my lonely soul. I have to live my life no matter how, come what may I need to pull through and be stronger. This is indeed my self-audit engine!

The 39th

- Do you remember?
+ Yes, I do. How can I ever forget my life, my strength?


Though we are apart, my thought always run to you. I remember you all the time, more than you could ever imagine. Believe me...


With lots of love, I wish you "Happy Birthday"!

Love seed

I am a plant, you know.
- I know. Need to be nurtured and watered.

Else I'd die.
- I will try my best to ensure that you grow healthily.

Thanks... You don't know how much you mean to me. You never will.
- I probably won't...but thanks for having me so.

See you for breakfast. I promise will be a good boy tomorrow.
- Nite kido!

I know it's late, but "Happy New Year!"

2007 was very challenging for us both. We saw less each other, we fought a lot, we care less about each other's feelings (and I caught you lying - many times - damn, it still hurts!). Towards the end, we managed to catch up good times together (which I am so eternally grateful).

I am hoping this year would be a good one, blessed with lots of love between you and me (less tantrums, of course).

I still love you (even stronger).