Leo...

Nice to see you again. After, maybe 5-6 months? You called me last time and you said you would call again to ask me out for supper. Of course you didn't call. But that's ok.

You really caught me by surprise. I mean, I didn't expect you would call the very next day after we met that night. Judging from the past, we would end up be meeting up at the unexpected places few months later and you would be with different people, of course. And we will keep on blaming each other for not having the guts to make the first move and so on. Hey, do you still remember that incident in IKEA? That was funny, huh.

You still haven't changed much personally, playful and wittyly charming. I am glad. Your new kitchen and bathroom, love it! Those, I must say, the only changes I have seen so far. And the instant noodle you cooked last night was a real kick! You are such a good cook. Haha.

I don't know what is going to happen next, but I'll just leave it to the hands of God. Same here, hope to see you again!

W H Y M E ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Story of Red Roses

I did something selfish and stupid on Saturday. But my own stupidity was an eye opener to me.

For one, I discovered the only thing that I want for myself, that I all this while have been denying all along. I could not afford to lose it anymore and I want to live and die with it.

Secondly, while packing, I found the answer to my own unanswerable question:
June 9, 2004.

"If red is love, then love it shall be."

And the red roses bloomed in my heart since...

My life, my job and the library...

I'm in the library now.

I remember still when I was in secondary school, the school library is the most sought after place to go for evening prep class. Mainly because it is air conditioned, more quiet, and when you are cold you can rub your shoulder and put your legs onto the person sitting next to you, whom normally would be ehem, your 'closest friend'. I would try at my best effort to be among the first to get into the library to reserve the best seats. Unfortunately, cruising was not in my dictionary at that time although I must say the opportunities that came were so wide opened and overwhelming. Oh, such a loss!

This is my third day working as a part time librarian here at a local college in KL, and things are going well so far. Well, the fact that there is little work to do here (almost none) besides doing some books arranging (I should have tried on flowers instead) and ‘xerox’-ing for the lecturers and students, I'm yet to face the bigger challenges; if handling the 'spoiled brat' is not part of it. Since this is a small college library with a small number of students and academic staff, obviously there's nothing much to be done. Actually, my school library is a lot better than the place i'm working now!

Not quite a good and interesting job actually, but at least I don't have to feel sorry for my pathetic life, for being alone at home after work with nothing else to do than having sex or, well, masturbating. Good goddess, whatever had happen to the days when I used to hang out with friends after work having a drink or two, window shopping, dinner, karaoke-ing, and even a short (sometimes long) trip to saunas? Where has all the cowboys gone? Am I not that happening anymore? Or have I turned myself into a lonesome, attention-craving person? Or even a sex maniac? Urrgghhh!

Something is totally wrong with me and I am already 23 (no kidding)!

Fact is, I need the extra money. My expenses are rocketing higher and higher but my pay is getting lesser and lesser. My buying power as well as my pocket is shrinking. I’m going to die as a penniless person if not a bankrupt! I might have to walk from one place to another on bare feet for not having the money to buy petrol for my car or even for the bus fare. I could be seen as one of those skeleton junkies roaming on the back lane searching for leftovers in the garbage bin. I could be thrown out of my house as I cannot afford to pay the rental. My still under construction house would be auctioned off for not meeting the monthly mortgage plan. I would end up being a beggar on the street like the one I saw many years ago while dining at the stalls in Bangsar with my now distant friends (well, at least he can afford to buy the 1901 hotdog by begging for living!). And I might not have money left for my sister to hold prayer for my lost soul, or even for the batu nisan on my grave! Thank god we don't have to pay for a piece of land to be buried...

Oh my goddess, is that me?!

You see, this is the result of having too much time for my own self thinking about rubbish and day dreaming about nothing until it kills the common sense in me. I might be presented with a simple ‘A’, but I will go deeper wondering if it is an 'a' or ‘A’, what color, type of font, size, Italic, bold, the origin, why A not B, and so the list goes. Silly, eh?

Well, maybe I should work and stay longer in the library and get my head brushed up. After all, I can use the Net at no cost.
Wise, no?

Triangle Love (from LPG-community....)

Dear friends.. Good to hear all this situation.

Love is just a matter of something and how you look at it. I am just wondering, would it be nice if I can love few persons in one time. But just then I realize. sometimes I am just too sellfish of doing all this loving 2 person in the same time. May i rather love them as friends more than any others.. I rather be a slut cause I still cannot commit. What is fate? I dun know.. when i take them as friends.. I care them more then lover.. I enjoy being with them more than lover~~~~ So what so important of being lover.. this and that..

Dear Darling.. I have to say if u say i am rude.. u are just wanting them for sex, not love.. u wish to be so selfish enuff... to hold them to you. Try to take one of them as friends rather than lover or this that..... I think things works more than any...remember all this... if u dun take triangle love seriously ALL PARTIES HURT

Did you ever know you need to move but are afraid to?

I do. In fact, I've been there. Today.

I knew then I should leave, but I couldn't (or so I thought). I was stuck in the comfort zone, being with someone I knew (even if it wasn't too great). I was scared of being alone and didn't begin to know how to "date". Eventually I realized facing those fears would be a lot better than being in a relationship that was making me miserable.

It would be nice if we could just walk away when we don't feel happy anymore, and when we know we should - but some of us never leave that easy for some reason. It generally takes something big for us to realize it's time to say good bye (or getting tired of the same old thing and realizing it's never gonna change).

But the truth is - once we figure out there's life out there, and we go and find it - It may be a little tough and maybe a little lonely at first, but it is SO much better, and the mind, body and soul feels SO much better.

I think I am in the "Sick and tired of being sick and tired " mode. I'm almost there... Just realize I can do it on my own, and I owe myself the chance to be happy.

I just need to be strong.

Woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

Dear dad....

You are here, but you have found your own way.

On this day, I wish you nothing but happiness.
May you find what you are looking for...

54

Love = Oxygen

You get too high when you get too much, you will die if you don't get enough.

(I heard that pride always comes before a fall.)

Very well then, I'm dying.

The highway, the pariah and the road user....

My journey going back to my hometown last Saturday through the North-South Highway was not a joyride at all, despite the excitement that I had in me to see my new born niece. The fact that I left Ampang at 5pm made it worst as I had to drive like a hurricane to be at my mother's home just in time to break fast with her. Poor time management, I must say. And, wisely thought a bad idea, it was not a smooth ride heading to Seremban as I was trapped in almost one hour bumper to bumper crawling traffic as upgrading works were in place.

Man, I was so damn pissed off! I mean, it has been speculated for weeks and later confirmed by the pariah (execuse me for my language) that for next year the toll rate is going to be increased and man, look what sort of bad traffic condition they provide to the highway users! Shouldn't the pariah and Government consider the fact that every single thing in this country particularly and the whole world generally has been rising while the condition of their subject matters has been declining from one day to the next? And why on earth, at this very moment must they do the repairing works? Why do they have to constantly upgrading the highway and pass the bill to the users with increment every now and then? Why can't they do it right at the very first time? Why do they have to make my life particularly and the other highway users generally, difficult?

I, for one, am so tired with all these stupid reasons by the (ir)responsible, cocky, greedy pariah that the rise would take into account the hardship the people is going through right now and that the Government cannot afford to compensate the highway concession firm if we were to opt for not having a toll rate rise. What a lame reason! I mean, the same reasons have been used over and over again to rationalize the hike. Being the so-called powerful government,I am very much fascinated that it is powerless when it comes to this one particular matter. Why can't the Government use its power to review the agreement with the firm? It makes me wonder which party does the Government represents; the people's or the private entity's interests?

The main reason why we use the highway is for the convenience - time saving, smooth, jamless traffic. So we don't mind to pay. But why must we pay if we caught up in the crawling traffic? That is so irritating! And here, I have yet to touch on the federal roads, which is even worst! People from the remote part of Negri (which I came from) have been waiting forever to get a proper route instead of the winding, narrow road along Bukit Putus.

So, as the result, I reached my mother's home 10 minutes after Maghrib, feeling so stressful. A supposed to be an hour and a half journey ended up as two and a half hour stressful, mad affair!

Must I share my experience heading back to KL later on Sunday....?

Close my eyes

Now, if I close my eyes and take a moment and drift away, I can almost feel your lips against mine.

But now it's just too late. I can't reach you, we've drifted out too far. I don't know where has love gone or how we might have saved it, but all I know is it has gone.

It's time that we moved on, because it's too late.

That night (Sept 23)...

I saw you at the party. You were so warm but I was so cold. I secretly wished you wouldn't say 'hi' to me but you did.

"Nice to see you again, after such a long time."

-Yeah, whatever!-

You are my miracle....

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open..wide open

October 5, 2006

All I want is to be free....

All this while in my whole life I have been following signs on many routes, trying to find what is right and do what I have been told. But sometimes the line is crossed and I can never go back home. I am always on the go, been here and there looking for something more for me to call my own. But up to this moment I have found that life was cold as a whole, I have never belonged. I want to show to the rest of the world that I'm alive, to be free because a new day is dawning, and to live my life without worries and warning. I really want to know and see what it is like on the other side. I only want to be me; I am not what I am not; I don't need people to say I need changes.

I have been through a lot. Now it is time for me to search what love is all about for real, and all that I have lived without.

I am a sturdy tree

I have seen a thousand seasons, still shed my leaves in winter. Come spring I grow them back, to welcome life again, to welcome new love.

When the day that's gray and lonely I just stick out my chin and smile. Come what may,the sun will come out tomorrow.

What a journey it has been. So goes my life.

As The End Draws Near

Into the valleys
The shadow of death griefs silently across the darkened sea
This is it, we stand alone

We can see it all from here
The starless night across the mountain side
No one left to talk to, there's nothing left to say

You and me
We stand alone
We can see it all from here
Stretched far and wide

The barren skies fighting a silence from deep inside

Underneath this skin you will find someone else...

I walk into that cloud again, watching my moon and blue sun slip away. The sky has fallen on my yesterday and I have once again lost myself. The table has turned on the game I play and this poor little man has lost his way today.

With the hollow, all this time it's breaking me and taken it's toll on me. I'm sorry that all I have got is just not enough to keep me satisfied. No matter how we try to keep it tied, this knot has come undone.

But starting today I'm not going to worry about yesterday and tomorrow, I'm not going to waste another moment. I'll wash away all these tears that's left me feeling blue. The moments of truth unfold in the meaning of love. And now that the war is over, I feel like I'm coming home again.

"Oh well, I got nothing left to sell
This love was a bell that rang unheard in the air
I was bound to find out that you didn't care
Oh well, sometimes it be that way"

There goes my heart again

I look at myself in the mirror, where do I belong? Yearning for the seemingly impossible, that space inside remains empty still. Try as I may I still have not found what I'm looking and wishing for.

When we first met, you told me exactly how it would be that you couldn't spend all your time with me. But as the time went by I started feeling strange, something that was deep in my heart, something I can't explain. I cried, you weren't there when I needed you just to feel your touch. Time after time, how many times do I have to give in? I could not afford another breakdown.

"Swept me away but now I'm lost in the dark
Set me on fire but now I'm left with a spark"

I'm through thinking of things to say to you. I've said enough and so have you. I'm lost inside the paradise, I must have been all alone in love.
I've lost hope, and I'm giving up.
Now I've realized that I've got to move on.
It might be hard, but I got to move on...

None

Take with you all our memories
Forget all about the berries and cherries
There is nothing more to cherish
Because you left me in anguish

I am now so much stronger
When you look at me
I am now so much better
You will think of me

And I thought you love me more than you do....

Saying I love you is like jumping into a hot soup! It's a curse!

Once you utter the magic words, you literally set a boundary between you and them, leaving them in the comfort zone while exposing yourself to the danger of insecurities. It's better left unsaid, for people tend to take you for granted once you tell them that you love them. You'll burn yourself when your basic needs couldn't be met, and you'll get frustrated. You talk, you let them know what you feel but they just don't want to listen to your needs. They expect you to fully comprehend, but they refuse to see what you see. They would rather keep you with them, fully aware of their inability to attend to your needs, leaving you feeling hurt and desperate and wanting. You beg for love, for attention and passion but still they refuse to give and hurt you more. Where are you heading to? Nowhere. So what's the point of going through that over and over again just to be hurt?

I'm tired of waiting, I swear. I refuse to go back to that phase. I refuse to be treated like a beggar. I refuse to be a love pariah. No more!
So that's the end of it.

As the sun goes down, another love story ends.

You know.....

.... I've been thinking.

You're incredible, so irresistible. And it is undeniable.
I think I have been falling in love with you!

You caught my eyes and then you grabbed my heart right away. I felt your good vibrations right from the start and I can't seem to bring myself to say the words to you.

Contemplating, constantly debating, but I'm so in love. I don't want to move too fast, I want to make sure that this is going to last.

I just think it is too easy to know that there is always someone who loves you for who you are, deeply. And, you tend to take them for granted, knowing they will always be there to love you no matter how ridiculous you behave.
I'm sorry for taking you and your feelings for granted.

I've been afraid to tell you. But I hope you want me too...