To whom I love....

It is during this moment that all the wrongdoings for the past one year are forgiven and forgotten in a spirit of togetherness, brotherhood and sincerity. Well, maybe not all. As negative as I might sounded, that is the reality which none of us as a normal human being could run away from. At least the scar is there to stay though the wound and hurt are gone.

Nevertheless, I am grateful that I am still here, alive and blessed with the loves of those people whose roles are very much important and very significant in my life. That I am able to return their unconditional loves although not as much as theirs, such a personal achievement that I thank God for allowing me to taste the love, granting me part of my never ending wishes into real. I have always said to close friends and myself, "salah satu nikmat dunia", that is love and being loved. I can not imagine me living without the lovely people around me.

I love my mum, no matter what. I cry for her, I pray for her, I almost did everything for her and it could never be enough for me. She may not be the flawless mother, but I know no one could ever replace her in my heart. I want to be the best for her, and sometimes I tried so hard that I hurt her unintentionally. What she has been through is totally remarkable - being left alone by her all grown up children to find their own lives, subsequently by her abusive husband who ran away with a widow about her age in the name of revenge, she stand taller and keep her head high finding a new life leaving the past behind. Sometimes I can not help myself from crying at night thinking how lonely she could be without having her children around to support her. I know she knew that our hearts are glued to hers wherever we are, no matter how far we are physically apart.

Do I love my father?
I did.
But what he did to us I could never forget and forgive. How could I forget all the bruises and blood spilled? How can I forget the pain he caused us? How can I face the world with all the mental tortures he passed on me during my growing up? I am grateful it happened though, and I have no one to thank to but him; because his leaving us means the end of suffering on my mother's part, although it took years for her to overcome the sudden loss, the shame and pain that he brought us on.

Dear, I love you so much. You are the source of my strength. Sometimes I forgot how lucky I am to have you standing beside (and also behind) me in everything I do. Doubt me never, I could never find another you.
"If I ever love again, even then nothing will change..."
For the past one year, we both know, it has been so challenging for us both, with the tantrums and all, and I know you are hurt sometimes. Maybe not as much as I did. But we mended, we pulled through it all and we survived. Leaving it all behind (and learn the lesson), I am looking forward for years of happiness with you. We may not be in the best and perfect bond, but we make the best out of it. I hope we always will.

Selamat hari raya.
Maaf zahir dan batin.

Sampai ku menutup mata...

I love you, more than you ever know, more than I should, more than anything else in this world. It is timeless, it grows stronger each day passing, it overflows in my heart I cannot find a space to fill it in anymore. The love that pulls me through when the going gets tougher and tougher, the one that I swore to myself will never be replaced ever, the one that I have always prayed to Almighty God will last to my last breathing, the one that I hope and swear will carry it with me everywhere I go even down to my grave.

That's how I love you.

No. Truth is, my love for you is indescribable. Love is too small a word to define what I feel for you. And I swear to you, it is immeasurable.

I don't know how I should tell you about what I feel.
I don't know if you could understand a bit of it, mine is too complicated to understand.

embun di pagi buta
menebarkan bau asa
detik demi detik ku hitung
inikah saat ku pergi

oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi

aku tak mudah mencintai
aku tak mudah mengaku ku cinta
aku tak mudah mengatakan
aku jatuh cinta

senandungku hanya untuk cinta
tirakatku hanya untuk engkau
tiada dusta sumpah ku cinta
sampai ku menutup mata

cintaku sampai ku menutup mata
oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi...

There were times when I cried at night alone thinking of you, of how I missed you, of how I wanted you badly with me, of how painful life is without you beside me. And last night I cried again, I called out your name hoping you will come and hug and comfort me and take me out of this misery forever.

But you didn't.

I love you damn much, but it is killing me inside...

Daisy

OST > Daisy (데이지) > Korean


01. 데이지 - 헤이

내가 그토록 원했던 사랑이 내 앞 에 있는데
아무 말도 하지 못 한 채로 바라만 보내요
낯설 기만한 이 도시 사랑을 그리며 살았죠.
데이지향 가득한 그대를 언젠가 만날 꺼라며
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데 함께할 수 없나봐요
죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데
미안해요 그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
매일 같은 시간이면 그대는 내 곁에 있었죠
바보처럼 나만 모르는 체 그댈 스쳐 보냈네요
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데
함께할 수 없나봐요 죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데 미안해요
그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
아프고 또 아파와도...떠나야 하네요



Daisy - Hey
romanization by: asn_aishiteru (also credit: aheeyah.com)

Nega gutorok woneton sarang0i ne ape inunde
Amu maldo haji motan chero baraman boneyo
Natsol gimanan idoshi sarang-ul gurimyo sarajo
Deiji(Daisy)hyang gadukan guderul onjenga manal koramyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde hamkehalsu omnabayo
Jugodo nochigin shironunde
Mianeyo gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Meil gatun shiganimyon gudenun ne gyote isojo
Babochorom naman morunun che gudel sucho boneneyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde
Hamkehalsu omnabayo jugodo nochigin shironunde mianeyo
Gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Apugoto apawado...tonaya haneyo


Daisy (데이지) > translation

01. Daisy - Hey
translation by: bangku (also credit: aheeyah.com)

In spite of all my wishes love is always in my future.
I really can't say it, but I still wish to see you.
Even though love is a strange and tricky city for me, it is where I wanted to live.
One day I will meet up with you, who are full of the scent of a Daisy
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
If you can, everyday at the same time, be next to me.
Like a fool, I pretend to steal a glance at you
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
I hurt and I am hurting.... I must go.

Back and hurt....

Yeah, it's been awhile.

A friend (perhaps someone that I knew from school is much more appropriate) died in March. The news came as a shock, I thought I saw him few months earlier at a shopping complex looking as healthy as a Greek God (during school time he was as skinny as a piece of plywood). Since that day I don't know why I suddenly stopped writing.

And so many things happened along the way. A birthday as sweet as before (only this year smeared by a heated argument which later both of us tried to forget at the soonest to enjoy the special day together - thanks for the books. Love them!), work that stole most of my time even on weekends which now I feel quite grateful otherwise I would be craving for his attention that I believe is making him sick of me, a niece who now has learned to walk and goo goo gaa gaa to his lonely uncle just celebrated her first birthday today...

I'm back in the trouble limelight again. We had a series of argument which I believe started with the issues of trustworthy and honesty. I thought it has come to its end when we no longer know how to respect each other individually and emotionally, how to fulfill the expectations that grow even higher day by day. I thought the longer the time we take to understand each other the better the relationship will become but no! It seems that we are growing apart, more confused each time passing. We talked and fixed it. It seemed to work for a few seconds only, then we just went back to the shaky affair. Did I try so hard or he was just lightly taking it to his side? I don't know.

He lied. Again. This time it hurt so bad that I swore I would never forgive him and it could never be forgotten. Extreme? Perhaps. But I have told him many many times before, I need nothing but the truth and the truth is what he should give me. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes but it is better than being told a lie only to be "enlightened" by some other people that it was nothing but a lie! The pain is even worst.

He said he was just protecting me. Unacceptable. I think he was just taking it lightly (again), it was just a reasoning to justify his action, to run away from being held responsible for the lies that he told me all the while. After all, he has been doing that since the day we first met. How could he never thought about what I would feel if I find out he was lying to me? What is there to hide?

What hurt the most is that all this while (as long as I can remember it started late last year), the time he spent with me had been lesser and lesser. From few days a week it went down to once a week and subsequently once a month. Yes he called me everyday but a call is a call, there's no human, personal touch in it. He claimed every time I voiced it out that he was busy at work, he has no time even for himself, that he has no one else but me, bla bla bla... Yet, in his extremely limited time for me, he has lots of time to spend on seeing other people......not even seeing but doing more than that!

I love him, no doubt. He is the only love of my life that I see I would keep to my last breath. I may offered him a truce. But the damage that done was so huge, forgetting even forgiving this time around is not an option for me. I have lost the trust and respect for him.

Some things must change if this relationship is to get going. He has to show some effort. Else..........

The "Futureless" ?

Thanks to you, I am so torn.
Are you happy now?

My Heart en español (as Googled)

Si amamos a alguien, podríamos ser éste fuerte?
Lucharé para ganar, nuestro amor conquistará todos
No arriesgaría mi amor, iguale apenas una noche
Nuestro amor permanecerá en mi corazón

Is the grass greener on the other side?

A friend came recently to catch up latest news with each other. He amazingly looked stunning that day that I cannot resist complimenting. Throughout these years, I have learned the art of provoking and "gold digging". Hence sheepishly in less than a second he admitted to his latest encounter, leaving no empty room of his sexciting account. Well, I don't have to be a warlock to figure out the purpose of his coming. We've been doing it all the time!

He found a guy in his late 30's; attractive, well-built, have a good and stable career, and still can perform satisfactorily. He talked a lot when doing it, touched mind-blowingly, paid every bit of attention to details, and he allegedly made this friend of mine feeling really good and confident about himself. Sounds very much of my ideal man, with a bit of exclusion on the "talked a lot when doing it".

Apparently this two supposedly early lovebirds met at a club downtown and ended up at his place "doing it". This guy claimed that he just walked out of his seven years old relationship with a much younger chap. He was away in a foreign country and upon coming home three years later, the younger chap told him that he 'needs' (not 'wants') to be single and enjoy every bit of what single life can offer him to the fullest instead of being committed to a life long relationship. So they broke off, leaving seven good years behind. As simple as that.

I was caught in disbelief. I mean, here I am, dying to have a long lasting, steady relationship with someone who really, really loves me and accept me the way I really am. But here, this young chap, having a wonderful life that belongs to just the two of them (a life which I have always dreamed of) - parting ways only to discover and experience the other life that he might think is greener on the other side. He succumbed to the force of pleasure and self-gratification, set himself free from togetherness. What is it with all these glamorous, materialistic world that overpower a person that change his life maybe forever?

Problems are everywhere (you can't run, you can't hide), you just fix them. But to cave in to glamour and material to an extent that you forgo your precious life, it is absurd. There are so many people out there who are so in need to be loved affectionately but they couldn't find it. When you have it, why must let go?

Seven years is not a short period as in seven months in which you can forget everything within seven days (I took months to recover from a seven months old relationship). It surely takes some time to let go the feeling and memories, and this poor guy is still talking about it although the partnership ended five months ago. He remembers everything, every details, every inch, every sounds, and he lives with the memory still. He was in love but he had to let go because he cannot play the part alone.

On a second thought, maybe the poor guy deserves someone better who could love him and cherish every moment together. Maybe it is me. Maybe we are meant to be together. That is, only if I were to be introduced to him, and only if he likes me.

Until then, I keep my fingers crossed.



It makes me rethink of my situation, and realise how lucky I am despite the impediments I've been through for almost three years.

Heart

I once had a heart

and it was true but

now it's gone from me to you

so take care of it

as I have done

because

now you have two

and I have none...

Happy Valentines Day!
(Though you're not here with me tonight, I know there's a place for me in your heart, always...)

February 10, 2007

I waited and waited and waited.
Nothing.

A special day that instead brought another heartache to the list.


How far must I go? How much longer must I wait?
I am human, if you can't remember...

(Happy Birthday to you!)

Leo...

Nice to see you again. After, maybe 5-6 months? You called me last time and you said you would call again to ask me out for supper. Of course you didn't call. But that's ok.

You really caught me by surprise. I mean, I didn't expect you would call the very next day after we met that night. Judging from the past, we would end up be meeting up at the unexpected places few months later and you would be with different people, of course. And we will keep on blaming each other for not having the guts to make the first move and so on. Hey, do you still remember that incident in IKEA? That was funny, huh.

You still haven't changed much personally, playful and wittyly charming. I am glad. Your new kitchen and bathroom, love it! Those, I must say, the only changes I have seen so far. And the instant noodle you cooked last night was a real kick! You are such a good cook. Haha.

I don't know what is going to happen next, but I'll just leave it to the hands of God. Same here, hope to see you again!

W H Y M E ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Story of Red Roses

I did something selfish and stupid on Saturday. But my own stupidity was an eye opener to me.

For one, I discovered the only thing that I want for myself, that I all this while have been denying all along. I could not afford to lose it anymore and I want to live and die with it.

Secondly, while packing, I found the answer to my own unanswerable question:
June 9, 2004.

"If red is love, then love it shall be."

And the red roses bloomed in my heart since...

My life, my job and the library...

I'm in the library now.

I remember still when I was in secondary school, the school library is the most sought after place to go for evening prep class. Mainly because it is air conditioned, more quiet, and when you are cold you can rub your shoulder and put your legs onto the person sitting next to you, whom normally would be ehem, your 'closest friend'. I would try at my best effort to be among the first to get into the library to reserve the best seats. Unfortunately, cruising was not in my dictionary at that time although I must say the opportunities that came were so wide opened and overwhelming. Oh, such a loss!

This is my third day working as a part time librarian here at a local college in KL, and things are going well so far. Well, the fact that there is little work to do here (almost none) besides doing some books arranging (I should have tried on flowers instead) and ‘xerox’-ing for the lecturers and students, I'm yet to face the bigger challenges; if handling the 'spoiled brat' is not part of it. Since this is a small college library with a small number of students and academic staff, obviously there's nothing much to be done. Actually, my school library is a lot better than the place i'm working now!

Not quite a good and interesting job actually, but at least I don't have to feel sorry for my pathetic life, for being alone at home after work with nothing else to do than having sex or, well, masturbating. Good goddess, whatever had happen to the days when I used to hang out with friends after work having a drink or two, window shopping, dinner, karaoke-ing, and even a short (sometimes long) trip to saunas? Where has all the cowboys gone? Am I not that happening anymore? Or have I turned myself into a lonesome, attention-craving person? Or even a sex maniac? Urrgghhh!

Something is totally wrong with me and I am already 23 (no kidding)!

Fact is, I need the extra money. My expenses are rocketing higher and higher but my pay is getting lesser and lesser. My buying power as well as my pocket is shrinking. I’m going to die as a penniless person if not a bankrupt! I might have to walk from one place to another on bare feet for not having the money to buy petrol for my car or even for the bus fare. I could be seen as one of those skeleton junkies roaming on the back lane searching for leftovers in the garbage bin. I could be thrown out of my house as I cannot afford to pay the rental. My still under construction house would be auctioned off for not meeting the monthly mortgage plan. I would end up being a beggar on the street like the one I saw many years ago while dining at the stalls in Bangsar with my now distant friends (well, at least he can afford to buy the 1901 hotdog by begging for living!). And I might not have money left for my sister to hold prayer for my lost soul, or even for the batu nisan on my grave! Thank god we don't have to pay for a piece of land to be buried...

Oh my goddess, is that me?!

You see, this is the result of having too much time for my own self thinking about rubbish and day dreaming about nothing until it kills the common sense in me. I might be presented with a simple ‘A’, but I will go deeper wondering if it is an 'a' or ‘A’, what color, type of font, size, Italic, bold, the origin, why A not B, and so the list goes. Silly, eh?

Well, maybe I should work and stay longer in the library and get my head brushed up. After all, I can use the Net at no cost.
Wise, no?

Triangle Love (from LPG-community....)

Dear friends.. Good to hear all this situation.

Love is just a matter of something and how you look at it. I am just wondering, would it be nice if I can love few persons in one time. But just then I realize. sometimes I am just too sellfish of doing all this loving 2 person in the same time. May i rather love them as friends more than any others.. I rather be a slut cause I still cannot commit. What is fate? I dun know.. when i take them as friends.. I care them more then lover.. I enjoy being with them more than lover~~~~ So what so important of being lover.. this and that..

Dear Darling.. I have to say if u say i am rude.. u are just wanting them for sex, not love.. u wish to be so selfish enuff... to hold them to you. Try to take one of them as friends rather than lover or this that..... I think things works more than any...remember all this... if u dun take triangle love seriously ALL PARTIES HURT

Did you ever know you need to move but are afraid to?

I do. In fact, I've been there. Today.

I knew then I should leave, but I couldn't (or so I thought). I was stuck in the comfort zone, being with someone I knew (even if it wasn't too great). I was scared of being alone and didn't begin to know how to "date". Eventually I realized facing those fears would be a lot better than being in a relationship that was making me miserable.

It would be nice if we could just walk away when we don't feel happy anymore, and when we know we should - but some of us never leave that easy for some reason. It generally takes something big for us to realize it's time to say good bye (or getting tired of the same old thing and realizing it's never gonna change).

But the truth is - once we figure out there's life out there, and we go and find it - It may be a little tough and maybe a little lonely at first, but it is SO much better, and the mind, body and soul feels SO much better.

I think I am in the "Sick and tired of being sick and tired " mode. I'm almost there... Just realize I can do it on my own, and I owe myself the chance to be happy.

I just need to be strong.

Woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

Dear dad....

You are here, but you have found your own way.

On this day, I wish you nothing but happiness.
May you find what you are looking for...

54

Love = Oxygen

You get too high when you get too much, you will die if you don't get enough.

(I heard that pride always comes before a fall.)

Very well then, I'm dying.

The highway, the pariah and the road user....

My journey going back to my hometown last Saturday through the North-South Highway was not a joyride at all, despite the excitement that I had in me to see my new born niece. The fact that I left Ampang at 5pm made it worst as I had to drive like a hurricane to be at my mother's home just in time to break fast with her. Poor time management, I must say. And, wisely thought a bad idea, it was not a smooth ride heading to Seremban as I was trapped in almost one hour bumper to bumper crawling traffic as upgrading works were in place.

Man, I was so damn pissed off! I mean, it has been speculated for weeks and later confirmed by the pariah (execuse me for my language) that for next year the toll rate is going to be increased and man, look what sort of bad traffic condition they provide to the highway users! Shouldn't the pariah and Government consider the fact that every single thing in this country particularly and the whole world generally has been rising while the condition of their subject matters has been declining from one day to the next? And why on earth, at this very moment must they do the repairing works? Why do they have to constantly upgrading the highway and pass the bill to the users with increment every now and then? Why can't they do it right at the very first time? Why do they have to make my life particularly and the other highway users generally, difficult?

I, for one, am so tired with all these stupid reasons by the (ir)responsible, cocky, greedy pariah that the rise would take into account the hardship the people is going through right now and that the Government cannot afford to compensate the highway concession firm if we were to opt for not having a toll rate rise. What a lame reason! I mean, the same reasons have been used over and over again to rationalize the hike. Being the so-called powerful government,I am very much fascinated that it is powerless when it comes to this one particular matter. Why can't the Government use its power to review the agreement with the firm? It makes me wonder which party does the Government represents; the people's or the private entity's interests?

The main reason why we use the highway is for the convenience - time saving, smooth, jamless traffic. So we don't mind to pay. But why must we pay if we caught up in the crawling traffic? That is so irritating! And here, I have yet to touch on the federal roads, which is even worst! People from the remote part of Negri (which I came from) have been waiting forever to get a proper route instead of the winding, narrow road along Bukit Putus.

So, as the result, I reached my mother's home 10 minutes after Maghrib, feeling so stressful. A supposed to be an hour and a half journey ended up as two and a half hour stressful, mad affair!

Must I share my experience heading back to KL later on Sunday....?

Close my eyes

Now, if I close my eyes and take a moment and drift away, I can almost feel your lips against mine.

But now it's just too late. I can't reach you, we've drifted out too far. I don't know where has love gone or how we might have saved it, but all I know is it has gone.

It's time that we moved on, because it's too late.

That night (Sept 23)...

I saw you at the party. You were so warm but I was so cold. I secretly wished you wouldn't say 'hi' to me but you did.

"Nice to see you again, after such a long time."

-Yeah, whatever!-