It's just another rambling...

While typing this my hands are shaking and the veins visibly green on my now yellowish skin (that will last for one or two hours). I am my own enemy!

I must congratulate myself, that for the first time ever since I went seriously ill last March I had my attendance to work for this particular week full and most importantly, productive. Except for diarrhea being effect of the medicine I took on Wednesday that forced me to coming in late to work (almost at noon - with permission from my boss), the rest of the days were business as usual.

After months of cover up, the news of my illness finally reached the HQ that caused a surprising stir; rumors were passed on and my mailbox was full with "sorry to hear", "be strong" & "get well soon" e-mails, even from the people I have never met & dealt with. CEO & GM extended their support "in this trying time" via e-mails full of advises and positive messages. A personnel from Quality Unit came down to the branch to visit when I came back to work and offered personal help whenever needed. Singh, the messenger offered healing recipe and his prayer. A prominent UMNO figure who always come to me for facilities, even offered his personal doctor for me to attend to but I politely declined (because I knew it is going to be sky high pricey!).

I was so touched (though earlier on was a little furious with my boss for leaking the news to almost everyone she knew- I have specifically told her on the day I broke the finding last January that it shall remain unknown to everybody, including my immediate family members. Despite being told so, without me knowing she contacted my mother & sister, causing unnecessary panic and tension among the two).

For now, it is business as usual at the branch. Boss still acting bossy and sometimes motherly. Piles of files still waiting to be worked on on my desk. People keep on coming in requesting and inquiring about loads of thing, but most of the time these people can be so irritating especially when I was not feeling well or extremely fatigued. I hope I can write about these people one day.

Meanwhile, good days ahead, everybody!

Bolt of lightning couldn't hit me harder...

It suddenly struck into my head.

What if I have a disfigured face after this?
What would I do then?

UNTHINKABLE (tak tercapai dek akal)

I cried (tak pasal-pasal)...

(Second best thinkable title: On suddenly being ridiculous & emotional...)

What next...?

After a strangely long and sleepless night, I woke up this morning with high fever, heavy chest, dizziness and fatigued. The abdominal pain has gone (thank God), so I suspect these are the effects of the three overdosed injections I received yesterday.

Oh, how I hate getting jabbed!

I cringed in a sudden pain in my left abdomen this morning. Only the third overdosed jab finally eased the pain and put me into a long, deep sleep. I was lucky th0ugh that I did not faint while walking to the radiology department, considering how strong the third jab was. Three times within two hours for a jab-hater! They can practically send me to hell right away.

When I woke up the pain has gone (but the doctor said it sure will be back within 9-10 hours after the last jab). Right now my mouth is dry and I have temporarily lost my tastebud, makes me refuse to eat because everything I took in tasted extremely bitter even the plain water. The med would cause me throw ups, so I am not really sure what shall I vomit when the time comes. Funny!

But I will grow tired, for sure. Back to square one. Wallahualam...

In this pain...

Oh dear Lord the Almighty...

You know the road I have taken is winding. I willfully made the choice to go this path against Yours that eventually led me to this desperate, horrifying gridlock situation. And now that I am at total lost I have no one else to turn to but You.

Embrace me, oh the Merciful, as I resort my soul, my everything to You and please never let me down; for only You have the answers to all the secrets and questions, for only You have the cure to all of my anguishes and sufferings, for only Your light could lead me out of this darkness and despair.

Lo! Allah is Powerful, it seems to me all the doors are locked and I am standing outside here all alone. There is only one door left for me, so here I am knocking on Your door pleading Your merciful and let me enter. You are my only hope, so please... please Lord, do not close Your door and walk away from me...

Mayday! Mayday!

Life in turbulence.


Can it be saved?
(Perhaps it shouldn't)

Out of reach....

This is my place. I have been here since day one I was brought in. This corner is mine, a corner where I could only glance out through the window that fenced me from the world outside; motionless in my own disability.

Comes the sun its light shines upon me, warms me up and slowly fades the color of my skin.
Come the rain, I could only hope that the window would protect me from soaking wet; afraid that my incomplete form would melt in the course of time from the pollution-tainted rain.

I knew why I am here, brought in from the place where I was sold; though in my imperfect form but somehow attractive to some people that they wanted to own me at whatever cost. But I am only an object of display, nothing more; that is what I am to them.

Makes me wonder, was I ever been loved? If I ever was, why then I was being sold from one to another? I am so confused, and my heart is badly ached. They had me, but strangely they never gave their hearts and they put a distance to my existence. I was so sad, and still am.

But this morning as the sun rises, from this very spot in my small world I can see there is a light out there for me.

Only time would tell...

After days of waiting, only late yesterday I received the tests' result, and everything seemed not quite well/right. I went speechless, I wanted to; and I forced myself to cry but there was not a single tear came out. Then I asked myself, for what? There's nothing I could do about it, so why bother to cry? This is my destiny; accept it and move on. If happen that I die today or tomorrow, then be it. I guess I have lost the willingness to live and try.

Another scanning to go today (I don't quite understand why I agreed to undergo this anymore), I arrived here early as scheduled only to be told that I have to be fasting first before we could proceed with the next procedure. So now I am stuck in the waiting room as the result of their forgetfulness (aren't they supposed to remember everything since this is their everyday, routine job? How could they forget?).

Alone in this room, I looked at the photos that I have posted everywhere in the cyber space. How different I used to be, how well I looked, how happy I was. Just whatever had happened to me? Everything seemed to be taken off in a blink of the eyes. Where did I go wrong? Why did I allow all these to happen to me? Why did I hurt myself? Why did I...

Arez posted lots of our photos in his blog. Looking at those photos, I know there lies one of the happiest moments of my life; so how could I be so damn selfish and unfair to them both - letting go the beauty and future of our friendships by being ill and stop having the willingness to continue living.

In search of the strength to carry on, I sometimes found myself drowning too deep but I don't want to save myself...

Daun yang kuning layu...

Telah kusiram pohon ini dan kujaga sebaiknya, namun tetap sehelai daunnya layu.

Aku tertanya-tanya, di mana silapnya?

Hari ini peluang terbuka seluas-luasnya untuk aku berfikir sendirian. Sedang duduk memerhati daun yang layu kekuningan, terlintas di benak yang selalunya degil tak mahu mendengar kata logik; bahawa sebaik mana sekali pun aku menjaganya, hukum alam takkan sekali-kali dapat diubah untuk mengikut kemahuanku malah sesiapa pun. Tiba masanya, ia tetap akan layu dan mati.

Teringat seketika pada sebuah madah pujangga lewat musim yang lalu. Pernah aku ibaratkan kasih yang tertanam dalam hati ini sebagai pohon hijau yang perlu dijaga dan disiram sebaiknya; kalau tidak, layu dan matilah ia.

Tiba-tiba perasaan sayu menggodam hati. Betullah kata orang, setiap sesuatu yang bermula pasti ada penghujung/penamatnya. Itulah lumrah hidup. Aku yang terlupa, leka mungkin.

Membuatku terfikir lebih jauh mendalam. Bilakah masa untukku akan tiba? Sudah bersediakah aku?

Real story: Drama is powerful than pain killer....

Spending the whole day and night in bed over the past one week has given me the opportunity to watch never-seen-before TV programs on Astro. Besides my personal sexual interests in bananas, I couldn't help but feel amazed at how well-formed and high-quality the Korean dramas are. Sometimes I feel that they even surpassed the Western standard in drama production, as they are so well-written, rich in culture of their own, and presented in a way that made me think Koreans are strong with family values.

Put the language barrier aside (fret not, the English translation is provided), I could simply blend myself into the story and being a hopeless romantic I am, shed my tears over some touching scenes (an emperor was dying and during his final moment pledged his endless love to his empress and hoped to see her much sooner in their afterlives, which he had never done it before to any of his wives; and he was dead before his only heir to the throne - still a baby, was brought in to his bed chamber; to which the empress cried... so did I).

Also, there was a moment in which a radio personnel broke up with her boyfriend (on a secret request to the stupid guy by her own father) and they had to discuss about separation issue on air together. As the guy read his part from the script, "Why must we meet, share the laughter, pull the ship together, when at the end of the day we have to say goodbye? Why must goodbye be a word so cheap to be uttered? Is love too cheap to be found too?", I again shed my tears, I felt the pain, lost and sadness in their eyes. Too strong they portrayed it that I forgot I was only watching a drama.

I also couldn't help to laugh out loud to the funny and hilarious My Dad Loves Trouble. It pulled my mind away from the pain and miserable life that I am going through. I love the colors, the mountains, the rivers, the people, of course, the houses, and the list goes endlessly.

Oh, I also watched how Rain made it to a successful singing/dancing/acting career, and cried when I learned that his mother died before he launched his debut album. The scene where he bowed few times at her mother's remain was the peak of the peak of my emotional side, I just couldn't stop crying!

I must confess though, that my only motivation in watching the Korean channel is actually the cute actors. However, let me get it straight here, after some time watching, I realized that it is the show itself that made me stick and crave for more. The gorgeous people featured in the show is now only a bonus to me. I guess, that has made me a human...

Here's a short list of my favorite, worth watching Korean dramas:

1) The Iron Empress - period, love 'em!
2) Emperor of the Sea - period, now playing
3) My Dad Loves Trouble - period, suddenly out of the program list. Damn!
4) Boys Over Flowers - present day, very teeny weeny, now playing

A mysterious photographer...

I met him a couple of weeks ago. We became friends since, and I instantly become a weekly guest to his modest but gorgeous apartment in town.

Last week he showed me his works of art from around the world, places he went that no ordinary people would go (or rather have no chance to go). I was deeply amazed, they were so fantastic and beyond words. Only selected few had been given the chance to see his works, so he told me.

I suddenly asked myself, who actually is this guy? It couldn't be that he is an ordinary someone - judging from his works; yet he is too ordinary to me to be seen as extra-ordinary (from the tales he told, the people he mingles with, he has to be someone quite "known").

He whispered to my ear last week, of how wonderful it would be if we just lay on the beach, the ocean sing us a soft and soothing song, while our naked bodies are covered by the scattered stars in the sky, cuddling each other like we were the last lovers underneath the full, bright moon...

For a moment I forgotten that love lies. Pedulikan! I just want to enjoy this feeling; though mysterious he has been to me, he showered me with the love I have been missing all these while.


+ Sorry, I didn't get your name yet.
- It's Johan. And you?
+ Zhariz. Nice meeting you.

Do you ever realize.....

...that it is so true that letting go is the toughest thing to do?
That whenever you thought that you are okay was the moment that you are actually at your lowest end?

Do you ever realize that most of the time you:
1) blame yourself,
2) are unsure of what is going to happen next,
3) are so scared that you might fall again,
4) etc., etc., etc.?

Do you ever realize that forgiving yourself is the very first step to move on in your very own life?

I do realize all that; I did all that and then did nothing about it.
I am now learning to walk with my head up high (whilst not forgetting the green grass I am stepping my foot on).

Today I learned from someone (distant but close) that it took her more than 20 years to forgive herself and start a new life all over again with current baggage she is carrying. I was stunned. Should I wait for another 20 years to realize my own (favorite) mistakes and start all over again?

But I can not deny (and lie) that I am in love, so deep (and I could not [and do not want to] get myself out of it)...

(Apa yang aku merepek ni....?)
-the result of staying awake all night and think of the "shouldnthinkable"-

It's a new beginning (again)...

Thank God...

Everything turned to be fine (for the moment, at least).

Well-wishers, thank you for your thoughts & prayers. Will make a "special appearance soonest", I hope.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

On a strange land again.
I'm sick, tired, and fed up. I just wanna go home and come back next time with a better 'entourage'.

Till then, sorry I would not trust anyone anymore.

Sometimes my heart goes numb...(2)

How did I allow myself to forget that time does run fast...?

It was already expected when he conveyed me the bad news this morning (and by now there is nothing in this world surprises me anymore), but somehow I being so used to living in denial all these years, still felt extremely 'betrayed' and brokenhearted. I know the day like this will come sooner or later, whether I want it or not, as it is just a matter of time. And today it finally crossed its way into mine (surprise, surprise!). Guess my next step is to prepare for the next possibility, on whether I'm going to survive or succumb to it.

Im & Rez, thank you loads for the much needed time you both provided me today. It was such a relief...really!


"Walking Away"

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

sometimes some people get me wrong
when it's something I've said or done
sometimes you feel there is no fun
that's why you turn and run
but now I truly realise
some people don't wanna compromise
well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
and well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady

Well I'm so tired baby
things you say you're driving me away
whispers in the powder room baby
don't listen to the games they play
girl I thought you'd realise
I'm not like them other guys
coz I saw them with my own eyes
you should've been more wise
and well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady

Demi belas kasihMu....

Sakit itu rahmat. Sengaja diuji Tuhan, moga-moga disucikanNya segala dosa yang lalu.

Lalu kalau inilah rahmat dan belas kasih sayangMu untuk diriku, maka redhalah aku dengan ujianMu yang berat ini. Moga-moga tak Kau gelapkan pandanganku selama Engkau izinkan aku menggagahi diri dalam melawannya.

Aku bukan orang yang kuat. Tetapi bukan pula aku cepat sangat berputus asa. Ah...Kau yang lebih tahu.

Dalam saat-saat getir ini aku sendirian, aku tak punya sesiapa pun wahai Tuhan. Maka itu Kau bantulah aku, berilah aku kekuatan. Hadirlah Engkau di setiap saat nafas yang Kau izinkan aku hela (agar perasaan yang menggila ini pergi jauh-jauh).

Andai ini penghujungnya? Tutuplah mataku bila lengkap sudah kasih sayangMu. Putuskan nafasku bila telah yakin Engkau akan diriku. Kalau belum, jangan. Itu rayuanku. (Bukankah Engkau Tuhan yang Maha Pemurah?)

Detik ini, demi belas kasihMu untuk diriku, gugurkanlah seksaanMu yang ini. Aku takut tak tertanggung, ya Tuhan. Kasihanilah aku....

(Sakit juga memberi peluang untuk melihat di mana letaknya diri ini. Tak bertempat rupa-rupanya aku ini....)
Tuhan, mungkin ada baiknya kalau Engkau kurniakan aku amnesia....tak tinggal walau secebis pun ingatan yang selalu melukakan. Amin.

P A I N

...jauhilah aku...

(janji takkan datang lagi)

Oh what a fool I am...

That was just a plain old fantasy.

I've been used and fooled again. When will ever I learn?

Duhai tetamu Allah....

Untuk apa jua, hanya kemaafan yang aku pohon darimu.

Tenanglah, tiada apa lagi yang aku tahankan. Mana mungkin, semuanya untuk bahagiamu.

Nevertheless, thank you loads. Be known that you are deeply appreciated. And deeply missed too (beyond words).

(Love - hush....)

Dan bunga-bunga pun gugur berserakan.....

Today I watched that stupid 80's movie "Suara Kekasih" and I cried inside (because my mother was also watching right next to me).

Damn, I felt like an idiot!