Something to ponder........

We have become so used and extremely familiar to the phrase of "malang tidak berbau".

But, how could it never crossed our conscious minds that "tuah" is also odorless, hence none the better?
Heh...how about that?

The real issue:
Until today, there is still no news about my crashed external hard disk. If it is unrecoverable, there goes my office works, videos, my videos, vacation photo collections, my photos, ehem, ehem...

Well I guess I have been too comfortable with the unknown, odorless tuah of the external hard disk all along, that I forgotten its malang is waiting around the corner for me.
Talk about the ignorant me....

Soulless me (the Eid ul Fitri version)...

I seriously have no idea what has gotten into me of late. An extremely lazy person is what I have turned myself to, with rocketing anger and easily irritated to tiny little petty things, and sometimes I feel that I am a man with no soul left to live. Gosh, it is getting worst and crazier each day passing!

Sometimes I feel like I have lost interest in everything, including writing.

Hari raya was an extremely boring event. I got stuck in KL on the raya eve due to "overdose", spent the whole night at home alone praying that all the sicknesses would go away so that I could start my journey back to my hometown. Every half hour I would be checking on my veins and skin; praying that the bluish would be gone soon, for the tremblings and pain to stop. When prayers didn't work, I resorted to more pain killers and sleeping pills.

I woke up confused on the first day of raya. I knew something big is going on that day, but what was it? I could not recall, and I let few phone calls went unanswered. I thought it was Sunday (of course, it was) but something was missing on that unusual Sunday. An hour of confusion later, slowly I regained conscious and cried for letting that to happen on me. I had no proper baju Melayu to wear, not a complete suit, and I had no songkok even! I was so mad at myself that day.

Not wanting to let the big day go off wasted, I quickly ran (or that's what I thought, but in real I was actually moving slowly like an old, sick fella) into shower and drove off in the slow traffic. I had to pull over a couple of times; my eyesight was at its worst ever, my head was spinning and I threw up 3 times along the journey. Still pretending to be okay, I made a few phone calls to my mother telling her that I was already on my way but don't wait for me. Almost suffering, it was so challenging and tiring I wished I didn't have to go through it. Sweating heavily when I reached my grandmother's home, I helped myself to a glass of water and a thin cut of lemang, while trying at my best to not looking sick or shit.

I am sick, that was my short reply to granny's question about my health, before I threw myself on the couch and drowned into a deep sleep until I woke up at almost midnight when everyone else came home from I-don't-know-where. I felt, or perhaps I thought I feel, when I was sleeping granny's cold palm rubbing my sweaty forehead whispering in her unusual, shaky voice, Oh dear, whatever troubles that you are going through, stop torturing yourself because it hurts me a lot...please come back and get healed, my love.

When I reached my mother's home, it was already half past midnight and she waited for me on the couch looking extremely worried. I had my niece running after and around me. I wanted so badly to hang around and play with her but I just couldn't. There was no energy left inside me that once I laid myself on the bed, the world was already far behind me.

I knew I hurt them a lot this time. I have become someone whom they might no longer know, and perhaps someone they do not even want to know, ever.
I wish I could find my way back...

Salam Aidil Fitri buat semua, maaf dipinta atas semua gerak laku dan kata-kata yang melampaui batas kesusilaan seorang anak, adik, sahabat, saudara, lelaki dan manusia. Entah dapat atau tidak bertemu lagi dengan Syawal yang akan datang?

Tuhan, ingat lagikah Engkau pada bicara kita yang lalu...? Hanya bila Engkau telah yakin dengan aku, ya.

It has been a long time.....

since the last time I logged in and wrote my borbottare in this blog.

Been so busy at work, and health is still an issue yet to tackle. Also, ideas and creativity were too limited to continue writing.

Ramadhan is almost over, and Aidil Fitri will follow suit soon.
I am still lost and searching for my own direction.

I can only hope this coming Aidil Fitri will be the most meaningful in my life so far.

Until then, I'm just going to live as it is.

Thank you, Miss Fleck...

Today I rose from bed feeling overly emotional. I played some music, melancholic songs, and I finally resorted myself to this one and threw myself in the world of loneliness and pain (sometimes I don't really know what I am talking about).

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.

The first time ever I kissed your mouth
And felt your heart beat close to mine
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command.

And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last till the end of time my love
It would last till the end of time my love

The first time ever I saw your face, your face,
your face, your face...

Boy, did I cry (because our time is over)...

On Siti Nurhaliza Taruddin (SNT)....

Oh, how I hate her very much!!!

Today my mother coming visited me bringing together with my niece to see her mother, who was my sister. After we had eat our dinners, I must forced to follow with everybody's choices in my house to see Anugerah Planet Muzik, this year being organizing at the Indonesia. What an unfortunately night to me to see the stupid award shows!

As usually, SNT and with her crazy for publicity cum womanizer husband is at there too. To the hell with them two, like I cared for them. Never in my lifes, ye! But what is the irritating to me mostly about this stupid woman and i want to vomit until this very minute is that:

1) why in the hell have she be speaking in the Indonesian slang???

2) Why can't she be used her own the Malay slang that she is have been prouded of all these whiles???

3) Is it because that she is walking on land at there on the Indonesia so she must also speaking on the Indonesian slang???

4) Why she did not be speaking in the London language when she is doing the singing concert at the London???

5) Or when she goes to the US to see the factory Maybelline?

5) She long time ago go to the Shanghai to sang in a song competition, but why is she dont talking in the Chinese language???

And also, why must she is following like the women UMNO politician's tudung style which showing her hairs??? Better don't wearing tudung altogether at all lah..! What an eyes sickening!

There is many artist in the Malaysia got married with the usual people, but they didn't bring along everywhere to parade their husbands or wifes to the tv. But this SNT always want to show off her ugly husband to all of the people in tv. Hello...you go got the life, ok??? He was not handsome and macho at all, he is OLD and cannot give u children because his cum is expired already! Haha! She is now very acting very like Anita Sarawak who is always dragging her unemployed Mat Saleh husband everywhere to promotion for business only, to give him the job to do, when in the facts he was not have talents at all. Gosh, stop competitioning you two womans!!

Maybe the short name SNT suited her very much.

SNT = Saya Nggak Tau.... (dumb) I am sound so stupid when I talking in the Malay...

Huh....somebody please take for me coffee in the cup please...!!!

Haha...this was only to laughing-laughing only, don't angry..... Happy weekend all peoples!

My name is Sweet.....

Bila dikenang-kenangkan, terasa benar ruginya tak beriya-iya berkayak masa di kolej dulu. Sudahlah free, time was never a problem, and the kayaks were always available at any time. In my own refusal, dalam hati bagai nak gila! Boleh dibilang sebelah tangan sahaja berapa kali dicuba mendayung. Itu pun curi-curi waktu malam.

Kenapa ya ada perasaan takut masa itu? Ah! Konon-kononnya takut terbalik, basah, tak pandai, malu orang tengok & gelak, etc. Now that everybody has grown up and busy with their own lives, baru terkial-kial nak mencari geng-geng untuk berkayak. Sigh...

Sayang sekali Trolak dah berubah fungsi & wajah. A very short period of time spent there, but lots of memory created. It was there where I got my very first nickname ever in my life. And also be known by it since. Can they still remember my actual name now?

Gosh, how I miss everything in my past!

On daily routine....

So hectic. Very kelam kabut.

Many times I fell asleep soon as I reached home and threw myself on the couch. I had the tv watching me sleeping and perhaps snoring. Still, I feel that I couldn't get enough rest and sleep. I grew tired easily each day passing.

Exam is coming soon, I have yet to prepare myself. I couldn't remember a single thing taught in the class this morning, my mind was pre-occupied with things I was not sure myself.

I am a panda... I hate looking at myself in the mirror!

Gosh!

Nina and the Spice Girls....

Drowned in absolute boredom, as I was lazily browsing through the net I came across the official website of the most successful female band in the history of human kind, Spice Girls. Looking at their photos, reading their final goodbye note, suddenly I felt at loss, longing for the glory and glamorous days of the most celebrated, headlines-making, famous five of the music industry.

I remember when I was in college circa 1997-1998, it was during this time that the Spice Girls is a huge world pop-star phenomenon. Together with my college close friend Nina we went so crazy about the British all girls group - we went everywhere talking about the girls, debating who is the cutest, sexiest, trendiest, and so the list kept on going. Nina brought me back to his parent's house in PJ where we watched more and more video of the girls, by which raising questions from his parents on whether or not we were actually making full use of the internet for our study/research.

When Geri left the band I was among those who kept our fingers crossed that she would sooner regret it and find her way home to the arms of the rest of the girls...(gosh, how pathetic does it sounds?). During this time, Nina was already in Australia to further his study in accounting while I was (forced to) attending a computing course at a private university in Bangi. We lost contact since.

Anyway, that was way back then. The girls finally bid goodbye last year leaving all the sweet and fun memories to a tiny little fan like me, who is still longing for their crazy acts and fun music. It was not just the music that they left behind, it was more to a wonderful life experience that we the fans shared with each other. Where else in the world can we get to see damn straight boys singing to Wannabe and dancing to its steps perfectly?

And where else can I get a Nina as a good friend? We didn't just share the Spice Girls, we shared a perfect bond of friendship (or shall I put it as brotherhood).

To Nina, I wish you all the good things in life the world could offer. I hope one day our paths will cross and the old friendship reborn anew. Damn missing you much, dude!

On label and labeling....

Most recent one: The Selfish Bastard

Aku suka sangat!

If only labels are Queen's award, I surely have made myself a proud Duke now!

On good deeds...

I found this invaluable quote while doing some research to my speedy recovery:-

“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.”

- Francis Maitland Balfour British Biologist (1851-1882)

Just when was the last time I gave due respect to myself and did charity to others?
After much deep thinking, I could not find any. Or perhaps once or twice, in which I made the very right decision for my own sake when people around me thought that I was the selfish bastard. I was just saving myself from committing severe damages, therefore giving myself a proper respect. And by doing it, subsequently though invisibly I did a charity to another party.

And by the way, how many of them would really appreciate the good deeds I did for them? (Not that I'm being insincere, but ralat)
On that note, I choose not to give a damn at all; I volunteer myself to be the selfish bastard. No matter what the people say.
Ada aku kesah?

On getting another year older....

It was perfect. With no alarm clock to my assistance, I woke up from a deep sleep (I have been sleeping since 7pm yesterday) exactly at 7.45am, the same exact time when I was brought into this (cruel?) world. I took a long shower, had a very heavy breakfast, then dumped myself into The Last Eunuch of China until I got bored reading about someone's past (whilst the future has lots more to offer).

I'm getting older and so much in life yet to be achieved.

While typing this I realized how much time I have wasted. So many things that I have planned did not materialized and some went into ashes. For example, the main bedroom wall is yet to be hanged with the wallpaper I bought more than a year ago, the plan for an internet based business is at halt due to health turbulence, the hard earned money spared for emergency was stolen, sickness come and go (and never give up revisit), and I am far from being appointed as a senior in my office (I keep my fingers crossed that it would be sooner, damn the sickness!!).

Nevertheless, I will not let those hiccups cease my life journey ahead. Like someone said not long ago; strive, fight on, leave the past behind and walk through it all with your head up high (but forget not the grass that you walk on). Why do I feel like I have heard this over and over again?

Indeed it is a calm, quiet and peaceful Sunday. God knows how much I cherish this calmness I rarely had in my 30 years of life. I guess it has to be a good start for me. I'd better start soon on my Tiger Claws. In books I finally found peace (owh, really??)...

Well, happy birthday to me!

When you are warmly welcomed to the club 30.....

Well, I for one thing, did not cry after the fun & celebration last night! Why should I? There was nothing to cry about. Of my wasted 20s? Duh, why bother..??

Anyway, it was indeed a night of fun & celebration. I had a nice dinner with my two BFFs (although I was the only one who was actually having a real meal!), a cake (in which nobody dared to eat for fear of too big & potong), candle-blowing, a stranger's (a girl) wish, photo shoots, not forgetting the "theme" (what the heck with the ties??? But I just abode, what the heck, it was fun!), and of course, the usual favourite rubbish talking. Haha!

Partying followed suit, where I danced my heart out! It sure was a real fun.

Big thank you, guys. Though celebrating is not really my thing (sementelahan the day is yet to come!!!), for the sake of you two crazy people, I just layan... On a much serious note, thank you for being my pillars whenever I was bad or good, up or down. The time that you both spent for me, priceless. Let us pray for brighter future ahead for us all, amin...

Despite all the hiccups, God has given me the chance to live up to almost 30 years (todate), I am very much grateful. I hope He will let me live much longer (in prosperity)...

Gosh, I cannot believe I'm about to leave my 20s!
Whatever!

p/s - thanks for the photos, arez.

June 6th

Daulat Tuanku!

Daulat Kakandaku!

Happy Birthday to both of you!

Daydream....

What if I could go back and be Hatshepsut? Here's a list (but not least):

1. change the name to Zhariz Azra (forever & ever)
2. eliminate Tuthmosis III & other possible/suspected enemies
3. build a small palace like Travolta's home minus the runway on a hill facing the sea complete with a Mediterranean-styled garden
4. preserve all existing monuments & temples but ban any sorts of worshiping activities; turn them into museums, theaters, hotels & last but not least, a huge library
5. build fully-furnished housing complex around the kingdom for all of my subjects, except the Jews (they will be made slaves)
6. build a fort city named Fort of Azra occupied by good looking men only, in which I own each and every one of them
7. oh, I forgot... I'm going to turn the existing temples into an exclusive all-male night club & a Roman-styled bath house
8. recruit only good looking & macho male escorts & slaves
9. party all day and night with my good looking & macho male escorts
10. pray hard so that I would not get murdered by my good looking & macho male escorts (well, you know...out of jealousy, craving for power, etc.)

Haha...isn't it nice to daydream after watching National Geographic?

To my ever-loved Debbie, Happy 30th Birthday!

It's just another rambling...

While typing this my hands are shaking and the veins visibly green on my now yellowish skin (that will last for one or two hours). I am my own enemy!

I must congratulate myself, that for the first time ever since I went seriously ill last March I had my attendance to work for this particular week full and most importantly, productive. Except for diarrhea being effect of the medicine I took on Wednesday that forced me to coming in late to work (almost at noon - with permission from my boss), the rest of the days were business as usual.

After months of cover up, the news of my illness finally reached the HQ that caused a surprising stir; rumors were passed on and my mailbox was full with "sorry to hear", "be strong" & "get well soon" e-mails, even from the people I have never met & dealt with. CEO & GM extended their support "in this trying time" via e-mails full of advises and positive messages. A personnel from Quality Unit came down to the branch to visit when I came back to work and offered personal help whenever needed. Singh, the messenger offered healing recipe and his prayer. A prominent UMNO figure who always come to me for facilities, even offered his personal doctor for me to attend to but I politely declined (because I knew it is going to be sky high pricey!).

I was so touched (though earlier on was a little furious with my boss for leaking the news to almost everyone she knew- I have specifically told her on the day I broke the finding last January that it shall remain unknown to everybody, including my immediate family members. Despite being told so, without me knowing she contacted my mother & sister, causing unnecessary panic and tension among the two).

For now, it is business as usual at the branch. Boss still acting bossy and sometimes motherly. Piles of files still waiting to be worked on on my desk. People keep on coming in requesting and inquiring about loads of thing, but most of the time these people can be so irritating especially when I was not feeling well or extremely fatigued. I hope I can write about these people one day.

Meanwhile, good days ahead, everybody!

Bolt of lightning couldn't hit me harder...

It suddenly struck into my head.

What if I have a disfigured face after this?
What would I do then?

UNTHINKABLE (tak tercapai dek akal)

I cried (tak pasal-pasal)...

(Second best thinkable title: On suddenly being ridiculous & emotional...)

What next...?

After a strangely long and sleepless night, I woke up this morning with high fever, heavy chest, dizziness and fatigued. The abdominal pain has gone (thank God), so I suspect these are the effects of the three overdosed injections I received yesterday.

Oh, how I hate getting jabbed!

I cringed in a sudden pain in my left abdomen this morning. Only the third overdosed jab finally eased the pain and put me into a long, deep sleep. I was lucky th0ugh that I did not faint while walking to the radiology department, considering how strong the third jab was. Three times within two hours for a jab-hater! They can practically send me to hell right away.

When I woke up the pain has gone (but the doctor said it sure will be back within 9-10 hours after the last jab). Right now my mouth is dry and I have temporarily lost my tastebud, makes me refuse to eat because everything I took in tasted extremely bitter even the plain water. The med would cause me throw ups, so I am not really sure what shall I vomit when the time comes. Funny!

But I will grow tired, for sure. Back to square one. Wallahualam...

In this pain...

Oh dear Lord the Almighty...

You know the road I have taken is winding. I willfully made the choice to go this path against Yours that eventually led me to this desperate, horrifying gridlock situation. And now that I am at total lost I have no one else to turn to but You.

Embrace me, oh the Merciful, as I resort my soul, my everything to You and please never let me down; for only You have the answers to all the secrets and questions, for only You have the cure to all of my anguishes and sufferings, for only Your light could lead me out of this darkness and despair.

Lo! Allah is Powerful, it seems to me all the doors are locked and I am standing outside here all alone. There is only one door left for me, so here I am knocking on Your door pleading Your merciful and let me enter. You are my only hope, so please... please Lord, do not close Your door and walk away from me...

Mayday! Mayday!

Life in turbulence.


Can it be saved?
(Perhaps it shouldn't)