Death is right in front of us. It lingers around, it is everywhere.
It takes away those whom we love and brings despair to us all who left behind.
Memories remain, keep them safely. Nevertheless, life must go on.
To Zamri, al-fatihah....
(He passed away on 29th May 2008)
Friday, May 30, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Call me katak (yang comel) di bawah tempurung, I don't care!
Oh, how I miss the familiarity of my own place (home, to be exact)...
I have never realized that I dislike the opposite until I stepped my foot on this kiasu land. It is true then that we always thought the grass is always greener on the other side. Of course, most of the time we are wrong because we always tend to underestimate our own ground.
For all the good things that have been said about this place by many, I beg to differ.
For one, while walking from my hotel to the nearest MRT station, no doubt the preserved old buildings are so very beautiful that I can't help but to admire, even envy, the endless preservation efforts by the government (and also the citizen), and the efficiency of the public transportation is beyond our (Malaysian) reach, but along the way I can see clearly rubbish, cigarette butts being thrown all over. Now, who dares telling me straight to my face that Singapore is indeed very clean?
Also, from my observation, Malays in Singapore are lazy. How?
I reached there very early in the wee hour, feeling so sleepy and tired (although the journey by bus only took me about 4 hours). With my luggage under my head, I slept on a bench at the bus station, accompanied by another 3 European backpackers whom I bet at lost (they are however, gorgeous and hunky!). By 7 a.m., I walked towards the MRT station heading to Tanjung Pagar where my hotel is situated at. After safe-keeping my luggage at the hotel, I went out walking to find a place to have breakfast (I was damn starving). It was not that hard to find a food court (although it was dominated by Chinese hawkers) and that morning I can only find one stall which sells (halal) Malay food. I hesitated because the door was only half-opened (but there were already people queuing to buy some apparently Nyonya kuih). When I approached the makcik (who moves slowly), and I ordered mee rebus which was clearly printed on the menu, she told me off that everything is not ready yet except the kuih and dull-looking fried noodle and meehoon (and it was already 8 a.m.)!
"Hello makcik, nak berniaga ke tidak....??!"
She stared back at me with the classic I-hate-you-Malaysian-people look.
Food sucks!! Tasteless!! I ordered a plate of fried rice with chicken and fried egg (they call it "telur mata lembu" - I assume there is no kerbau in Singapore!) for my dinner at a presumably famous restaurant near Kampung Glam. The reason I patronized the restaurant was because it was packed with people (mostly Malay and some gorgeous Mat Sallehs...yummy!) I had to wait to be seated, so I easily made my own assumption that it has to be damn good! To my horror surprise, when the food arrived, my fried rice was like the one cooked with perencah nasi goreng segera Adabi. It was plain, no vegetables whatsoever! What about the chicken? Hidden underneath the fried egg, sliced into small pieces (at least five slices). I wanted to laugh out loud when the waiter asked me to pay on the spot - the price: SGD5! Crap! My tastebud's savior for the night was the chilli sauce in packet (naughty minded, cynically I guessed that they got it from McDonald's!).
And a group of friends at the very next table to mine was talking happily and endlessly about how marvellous their food tastes! Oh, my dear friends, have you ever been to any other places outside Kampung Glam/Singapore? (Get a life!!)
Ironically, the very next day in a local English newspaper, it promotes Singapore Food Festival that promises great food tasting experience! Hah!!! I had a good laugh with my travel mate that early morning.
I went to Boat Quay one night to watch the Water Fools show (very ironic) in conjunction with Singapore Arts Festival 2008. It was reported in a local English newspaper that the show and fireworks were so amazing and fantastic, beyond imagination. Boo, I was fooled! It was overrated. The last fireworks may have saved the event, though I was dying to think that our own DBKL fireworks show is much, much better, beyond Singapore's own imagination!
The river? It is indeed not as bad as ours, it is dark green in colour, unsmelly, unlike ours which looks like a river of teh susu that smells like shit. I do admire its river. But, I still can see sampah berenang-renang keriangan bersama rakan-rakannya. Bersih? Not at all, it was all myth!
People say shopping in Singapore is indeed a good therapy for those who feel depressed at home, and I thought I was lucky to be there during the Great Singapore Sale to take my mind off of the hectic, miserable life I live in KL. Well, it was Not-So-Great-Singapore-Sale in the end. I don't understand what's so great about it? KL is much more heaven and cheaper! Enough said.
Well, I do not see Singapore as a must-visit place. I would not feel ralat if I do not ever have a chance to go there (again). I would not miss it, that's definite.
3 days spent, I was already feeling boring on my first evening. Can't believe I was suffering from home-sickness by just going to Singapore (I still can remember, the last time I felt homesick during my first day at a boarding school when my mother left me all alone with my new friends (and some gorgeous seniors for me to admire at)!)....
I have never realized that I dislike the opposite until I stepped my foot on this kiasu land. It is true then that we always thought the grass is always greener on the other side. Of course, most of the time we are wrong because we always tend to underestimate our own ground.
For all the good things that have been said about this place by many, I beg to differ.
For one, while walking from my hotel to the nearest MRT station, no doubt the preserved old buildings are so very beautiful that I can't help but to admire, even envy, the endless preservation efforts by the government (and also the citizen), and the efficiency of the public transportation is beyond our (Malaysian) reach, but along the way I can see clearly rubbish, cigarette butts being thrown all over. Now, who dares telling me straight to my face that Singapore is indeed very clean?
Also, from my observation, Malays in Singapore are lazy. How?
I reached there very early in the wee hour, feeling so sleepy and tired (although the journey by bus only took me about 4 hours). With my luggage under my head, I slept on a bench at the bus station, accompanied by another 3 European backpackers whom I bet at lost (they are however, gorgeous and hunky!). By 7 a.m., I walked towards the MRT station heading to Tanjung Pagar where my hotel is situated at. After safe-keeping my luggage at the hotel, I went out walking to find a place to have breakfast (I was damn starving). It was not that hard to find a food court (although it was dominated by Chinese hawkers) and that morning I can only find one stall which sells (halal) Malay food. I hesitated because the door was only half-opened (but there were already people queuing to buy some apparently Nyonya kuih). When I approached the makcik (who moves slowly), and I ordered mee rebus which was clearly printed on the menu, she told me off that everything is not ready yet except the kuih and dull-looking fried noodle and meehoon (and it was already 8 a.m.)!
"Hello makcik, nak berniaga ke tidak....??!"
She stared back at me with the classic I-hate-you-Malaysian-people look.
Food sucks!! Tasteless!! I ordered a plate of fried rice with chicken and fried egg (they call it "telur mata lembu" - I assume there is no kerbau in Singapore!) for my dinner at a presumably famous restaurant near Kampung Glam. The reason I patronized the restaurant was because it was packed with people (mostly Malay and some gorgeous Mat Sallehs...yummy!) I had to wait to be seated, so I easily made my own assumption that it has to be damn good! To my horror surprise, when the food arrived, my fried rice was like the one cooked with perencah nasi goreng segera Adabi. It was plain, no vegetables whatsoever! What about the chicken? Hidden underneath the fried egg, sliced into small pieces (at least five slices). I wanted to laugh out loud when the waiter asked me to pay on the spot - the price: SGD5! Crap! My tastebud's savior for the night was the chilli sauce in packet (naughty minded, cynically I guessed that they got it from McDonald's!).
And a group of friends at the very next table to mine was talking happily and endlessly about how marvellous their food tastes! Oh, my dear friends, have you ever been to any other places outside Kampung Glam/Singapore? (Get a life!!)
Ironically, the very next day in a local English newspaper, it promotes Singapore Food Festival that promises great food tasting experience! Hah!!! I had a good laugh with my travel mate that early morning.
I went to Boat Quay one night to watch the Water Fools show (very ironic) in conjunction with Singapore Arts Festival 2008. It was reported in a local English newspaper that the show and fireworks were so amazing and fantastic, beyond imagination. Boo, I was fooled! It was overrated. The last fireworks may have saved the event, though I was dying to think that our own DBKL fireworks show is much, much better, beyond Singapore's own imagination!
The river? It is indeed not as bad as ours, it is dark green in colour, unsmelly, unlike ours which looks like a river of teh susu that smells like shit. I do admire its river. But, I still can see sampah berenang-renang keriangan bersama rakan-rakannya. Bersih? Not at all, it was all myth!
People say shopping in Singapore is indeed a good therapy for those who feel depressed at home, and I thought I was lucky to be there during the Great Singapore Sale to take my mind off of the hectic, miserable life I live in KL. Well, it was Not-So-Great-Singapore-Sale in the end. I don't understand what's so great about it? KL is much more heaven and cheaper! Enough said.
Well, I do not see Singapore as a must-visit place. I would not feel ralat if I do not ever have a chance to go there (again). I would not miss it, that's definite.
3 days spent, I was already feeling boring on my first evening. Can't believe I was suffering from home-sickness by just going to Singapore (I still can remember, the last time I felt homesick during my first day at a boarding school when my mother left me all alone with my new friends (and some gorgeous seniors for me to admire at)!)....
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Remembering you....
Duxton Road, Singapore.
Being here on a strange land where I don't feel fit in makes me feel incredibly lonely. Met new friends but still I feel empty and unhappy. I don't really enjoy it here, I can't wait to go back home where I belong.
I can't wait to see him (actually)...!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Indeed....
18 May 2008. You asked me what exactly I want from you. I did not answer, because it was indescribable, I was too devastated to find the right words.
But let me tell you now, for once and for all, "I just want to be loved by you, only you, no one else."
It is true.
Cintaku sampai ku menutup mata...
(How else must I tell you to make you understand?)
Tolonglah, cintailah aku!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
You give me another heartbreak....(but I still deeply love you)....
At this most trying and difficult time, instead of trying to understand and lend me a hand, he deserted me. I am left helpless, all alone...
He has no idea how painful it is to struggle and fight with my own self. All he can see is a diseased person he must avoid, not even a single chance given to me to come back clean. He fails to understand that no trees can grow in just one night, they need water to grow and survive.
It is sad enough to know that the one you needed most in your life turned his back on you and left, leaving another wound to deal with...
- Until when you want to blame me...?
+ I will blame you forever, as long as my love is there for you (it can never die, it can only grows stronger...)
Saturday, May 17, 2008
A partial of my subconscious mind....
While writing this I am slowly getting sober from "an overdose"....
Not exactly an option to chill out but I can only find this, so far, as an engine or a booster for me to "escape" (even for a few seconds) from whatever miseries that I am facing at the moment. Bad idea, I know. At this point of writing I feel like to throw up again, I lost count since this morning, indeed. Nothing came out, of course, since I have not been taking any food for the past 24 hours.
What drove me into this?
I don't really know, I can't tell for certain. All I know is I took it once "recreationally", then the rest was history. Plus with all the unfortunate things that keep on happening to me, I moved on from one type to another. I met new friends in the process, although the sincerity is still questionable given the fact that we just meet up and become friends for that particular moment when we are into it, but yet these people filled the empty spaces left by those whom I once considered as my real friends (and even my special one).
There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night, I cried (sometimes out loud) with no particular reasons. I was feeling so empty during that moment, I was afraid of the darkness and the loneliness, and I was scared to death that I might lose my mind. That was when I started to turn to substance (bad move).
I later experienced a major depression after I was again hit by a series of misfortunes, all at one time, one after another, in which I could no longer handled them on my own anymore. I lost everything, I mean everything. I thought I was strong, initially, but as time passed by it proved me wrong. As strong as I portrayed myself on the outside, my inner self was killing me rapidly that to a certain point I started to lose my faith, I lost my willing to live (attempted suicide twice), and I refused to see people as my paranoia told me that people were all laughing at me and my failure. I had no one to turn to, even my loved one turned his back on me, saying there is no one can help me but myself (which is true and I partly agreed, but all I needed from him was just a guidance and also a shoulder to cry on - that too much to ask?). I was devastated when he left (in fact I still do and in mourning mood).
I went to seek professional help. But being emotionally disturbed, the paranoia was all over me and I shortly pulled myself out thinking there is no one in this world I can trust anymore. My best friends? They simply cannot understand what I went through and what I was feeling, no matter how hard they tried to convince me that they do understand me well. I carried the blame too for I did not reveal the whole thing (well, I believe some things should remain secret though...).
I found peace and joy in substance, although I know they bring more harms than good. Certainly, this is only my "escapism" and I made a promise to myself, one fine day (soon) I will come out clean.
But at the moment, no matter what people say, it is here to remain as my best friend....
Thursday, May 08, 2008
I'm back (through the grand entrance)!
I secretly told my inner self to stop writing, I thought there's nothing left in me to pour my heart out. What's the point anyway? Things would not change...
I forgot that at the very least, this is the only place I could be sincere to myself, a place where when I revisit again and again, I would be reminded of how, who, where and what I was. I do not have to worry about minding my words and thoughts. I can be in peace with myself here. This is my world (although virtual)...
So where have I gone? Too far, I guess.
In this trying time, I have been abused by nobody but me. I am still craving and wanting, with eyes wide open knowing that there's no one left to call and nowhere else to go. I was all alone, helpless, in my own paranoia that people laugh at my failure, that the world turns its back on me, and that even love hates me..!
I was dancing in the dark. Alone.
But I want this to end. I have to write, even if it is a death note. I have to feed my lonely soul. I have to live my life no matter how, come what may I need to pull through and be stronger. This is indeed my self-audit engine!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The 39th
- Do you remember?
+ Yes, I do. How can I ever forget my life, my strength?
Though we are apart, my thought always run to you. I remember you all the time, more than you could ever imagine. Believe me...
With lots of love, I wish you "Happy Birthday"!
+ Yes, I do. How can I ever forget my life, my strength?
Though we are apart, my thought always run to you. I remember you all the time, more than you could ever imagine. Believe me...
With lots of love, I wish you "Happy Birthday"!
Monday, January 07, 2008
Love seed
I am a plant, you know.
- I know. Need to be nurtured and watered.
Else I'd die.
- I will try my best to ensure that you grow healthily.
Thanks... You don't know how much you mean to me. You never will.
- I probably won't...but thanks for having me so.
See you for breakfast. I promise will be a good boy tomorrow.
- Nite kido!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I know it's late, but "Happy New Year!"
2007 was very challenging for us both. We saw less each other, we fought a lot, we care less about each other's feelings (and I caught you lying - many times - damn, it still hurts!). Towards the end, we managed to catch up good times together (which I am so eternally grateful).
I am hoping this year would be a good one, blessed with lots of love between you and me (less tantrums, of course).
I still love you (even stronger).
I still love you (even stronger).
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Dear Lessismore....
Falling in love with someone else's?
I've been with this guy for almost 4 years already. Love him deeply, no doubt. But trust me, it has never been easy. I'll never be his priority. When I need him, he won't be there. We can only go out together to places where no other people would go for a date. I really have to be strong mentally & emotionally.
Lessismore, if you still want him, expect nothing from him.
You know, we fought a lot, purely because I wanted him to be more responsible of our relationship. But he just can't, because he has the limitation. There are lots of thing he can't do for me - if I was to compare to a normal relationship. We can't go for a holiday together, we can't have dinner at KLCC or anywhere "fabulous", we can't be seen together as a couple anywhere even.
At some points I wanted to give it up and look for someone else but I can't because I know no one will love me the way he does. He can't leave me too, indeed. We both love each other so much, so we decided to keep our relationship as long as we could hold to it, we just enjoy it while we can. That's the best and sensible thing both of us can expect to.
Tantrums will always be there at anytime. If you can't reach him and make him understand how you feel, channel it to something else - put it in writing, for example. I have been doing that and unbelievably it works. I put it in this blog, he will read it at his own leisure (Hi Bubu..miss you!).
Lessismore, if you think you can handle it, go ahead. If you think you won't find someone else better than him, why not, hold to it. But the main rule is that never ever step your foot in his other relationship. When he's with you, he's all yours. But when he's not with you, you are on your own - you must be independent. Just don't limit yourself to other possibilities, remember that you must be fair to yourself too.
Don't sigh, Lessismore. You feel like a mistress, in a way yes you are. I know how you feel.
If you think he's worth your time and your precious love, hold to it. Be strong. I may not have the standard/typical relationship as my other friends might have, but I can tell you, I have never been loved deeply like this before. Loving him is the best thing that had ever happened in my life (so far)...!
Take care, Lessismore.
Merry Xmas!
p/s - Always put your feet on the ground, friend.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Dear R
Days have passed and still no sign of us
Not a hint of what used to be
When you lived in that part of me
This blinding silence lives in every room
Of what once was a happy home
Now we’re sitting here all alone
Could this be that it was all a lie
And we’re just afraid to say good-bye
Am I the only one
Not a hint of what used to be
When you lived in that part of me
This blinding silence lives in every room
Of what once was a happy home
Now we’re sitting here all alone
Could this be that it was all a lie
And we’re just afraid to say good-bye
Am I the only one
Friday, December 14, 2007
Re: hello XoXoX
From:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 10:56:55 AM
To:
XoXoX (xxx@hotmail.com)
Hi Xoxox!
So sorry i could not go to Lush bar last time because my friends don"t want to go there . I still remember the times we met each other and miss your face so much hihihi...you are so cute, i hope have chance to visit Malaysia in short times, so sorry my English is not good try to guess it hihihih.
Miss you!
_____________________ @--&-------- _______________________
RE: Hello John (is that your name?)
From:
Xoxox (xoxox@hotmail.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:26:07 PM
To:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)
Hey.....!
You can never imagine how overwhelming my feeling is when I saw your email popping up in my mailbox. I'm smiling from ear to ear while typing this...!
You know, I was getting worried that I couldn't get the chance to keep in touch with you since I lost my phone there. I thought I had the wrong email address since you did not reply, so I sent many emails to many addresses I could think of with your name on it, but all came back with "delivery failed" messages. I had this funny thinking that I might be visiting Saigon again and look for you myself. Haha...guess I'm lucky. Anyways, thank you so much for replying.
I have yet to transfer the photo we took together into my computer. I'll send it to you soon as I get it transferred, ok? By the way, I've created some "photos of us together" (like I said, I was afraid I couldn't get through you anymore, so I cropped your photos and pasted it on mine, just for the sake of remembering "I met this handsome guy in Saigon, and here's the happy moments we took together"...haha).
I'm passing you my cell phone number down here, perhaps you may want to keep it, just in case. Just don't call or sms me at the moment because I have yet to get a new phone. Hopefully it would be useful when you come down here in KL. Can't wait to take you around when you come. Looking forward to meet you again - either in KL or Saigon, or anywhere even!
Hey,are you sure you're missing me (how do you say "I miss you" in Vietnamese?)? See, I'm so excited till I forgot to ask how are you doing? Please excuse my excitement, ya. Anyway, really hope you are doing good over there. Do take care of yourself. I am so missing you! (I really do....)
Don't stop writing, ok.
Till then, cheers!
Yours truly,
Xoxox
Kuala Lumpur
+601******3
P/s: You really make my day!
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 10:56:55 AM
To:
XoXoX (xxx@hotmail.com)
Hi Xoxox!
So sorry i could not go to Lush bar last time because my friends don"t want to go there . I still remember the times we met each other and miss your face so much hihihi...you are so cute, i hope have chance to visit Malaysia in short times, so sorry my English is not good try to guess it hihihih.
Miss you!
_____________________ @--&-------- _______________________
RE: Hello John (is that your name?)
From:
Xoxox (xoxox@hotmail.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:26:07 PM
To:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)
Hey.....!
You can never imagine how overwhelming my feeling is when I saw your email popping up in my mailbox. I'm smiling from ear to ear while typing this...!
You know, I was getting worried that I couldn't get the chance to keep in touch with you since I lost my phone there. I thought I had the wrong email address since you did not reply, so I sent many emails to many addresses I could think of with your name on it, but all came back with "delivery failed" messages. I had this funny thinking that I might be visiting Saigon again and look for you myself. Haha...guess I'm lucky. Anyways, thank you so much for replying.
I have yet to transfer the photo we took together into my computer. I'll send it to you soon as I get it transferred, ok? By the way, I've created some "photos of us together" (like I said, I was afraid I couldn't get through you anymore, so I cropped your photos and pasted it on mine, just for the sake of remembering "I met this handsome guy in Saigon, and here's the happy moments we took together"...haha).
I'm passing you my cell phone number down here, perhaps you may want to keep it, just in case. Just don't call or sms me at the moment because I have yet to get a new phone. Hopefully it would be useful when you come down here in KL. Can't wait to take you around when you come. Looking forward to meet you again - either in KL or Saigon, or anywhere even!
Hey,are you sure you're missing me (how do you say "I miss you" in Vietnamese?)? See, I'm so excited till I forgot to ask how are you doing? Please excuse my excitement, ya. Anyway, really hope you are doing good over there. Do take care of yourself. I am so missing you! (I really do....)
Don't stop writing, ok.
Till then, cheers!
Yours truly,
Xoxox
Kuala Lumpur
+601******3
P/s: You really make my day!
Dear Nguyen John...
Hi there!
I hope I get this right to the right person. I can vaguely remember your email address, so I'm just trying my luck here.
And I hope you still remember me XoXoX from XYXYXY. We met at the Golden Smile Club in District 3, then went back to my hotel room and promised to meet up at Lush, which you didn't turn up...! :(
You still remember I saved your email address in my cell phone? Now what happened was, I dropped my cell phone in a taxi this morning on the way back to my hotel. So, it's gone.
Hit me back ASAP once you received this email, ok!
Sincerely yours,
XoXoX
Amara Hotel
p/s - You were good last night!
I hope I get this right to the right person. I can vaguely remember your email address, so I'm just trying my luck here.
And I hope you still remember me XoXoX from XYXYXY. We met at the Golden Smile Club in District 3, then went back to my hotel room and promised to meet up at Lush, which you didn't turn up...! :(
You still remember I saved your email address in my cell phone? Now what happened was, I dropped my cell phone in a taxi this morning on the way back to my hotel. So, it's gone.
Hit me back ASAP once you received this email, ok!
Sincerely yours,
XoXoX
Amara Hotel
p/s - You were good last night!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
To whom I love....
It is during this moment that all the wrongdoings for the past one year are forgiven and forgotten in a spirit of togetherness, brotherhood and sincerity. Well, maybe not all. As negative as I might sounded, that is the reality which none of us as a normal human being could run away from. At least the scar is there to stay though the wound and hurt are gone.
Nevertheless, I am grateful that I am still here, alive and blessed with the loves of those people whose roles are very much important and very significant in my life. That I am able to return their unconditional loves although not as much as theirs, such a personal achievement that I thank God for allowing me to taste the love, granting me part of my never ending wishes into real. I have always said to close friends and myself, "salah satu nikmat dunia", that is love and being loved. I can not imagine me living without the lovely people around me.
I love my mum, no matter what. I cry for her, I pray for her, I almost did everything for her and it could never be enough for me. She may not be the flawless mother, but I know no one could ever replace her in my heart. I want to be the best for her, and sometimes I tried so hard that I hurt her unintentionally. What she has been through is totally remarkable - being left alone by her all grown up children to find their own lives, subsequently by her abusive husband who ran away with a widow about her age in the name of revenge, she stand taller and keep her head high finding a new life leaving the past behind. Sometimes I can not help myself from crying at night thinking how lonely she could be without having her children around to support her. I know she knew that our hearts are glued to hers wherever we are, no matter how far we are physically apart.
Do I love my father?
I did.
But what he did to us I could never forget and forgive. How could I forget all the bruises and blood spilled? How can I forget the pain he caused us? How can I face the world with all the mental tortures he passed on me during my growing up? I am grateful it happened though, and I have no one to thank to but him; because his leaving us means the end of suffering on my mother's part, although it took years for her to overcome the sudden loss, the shame and pain that he brought us on.
Dear, I love you so much. You are the source of my strength. Sometimes I forgot how lucky I am to have you standing beside (and also behind) me in everything I do. Doubt me never, I could never find another you.
"If I ever love again, even then nothing will change..."
For the past one year, we both know, it has been so challenging for us both, with the tantrums and all, and I know you are hurt sometimes. Maybe not as much as I did. But we mended, we pulled through it all and we survived. Leaving it all behind (and learn the lesson), I am looking forward for years of happiness with you. We may not be in the best and perfect bond, but we make the best out of it. I hope we always will.
Selamat hari raya.
Maaf zahir dan batin.
Nevertheless, I am grateful that I am still here, alive and blessed with the loves of those people whose roles are very much important and very significant in my life. That I am able to return their unconditional loves although not as much as theirs, such a personal achievement that I thank God for allowing me to taste the love, granting me part of my never ending wishes into real. I have always said to close friends and myself, "salah satu nikmat dunia", that is love and being loved. I can not imagine me living without the lovely people around me.
I love my mum, no matter what. I cry for her, I pray for her, I almost did everything for her and it could never be enough for me. She may not be the flawless mother, but I know no one could ever replace her in my heart. I want to be the best for her, and sometimes I tried so hard that I hurt her unintentionally. What she has been through is totally remarkable - being left alone by her all grown up children to find their own lives, subsequently by her abusive husband who ran away with a widow about her age in the name of revenge, she stand taller and keep her head high finding a new life leaving the past behind. Sometimes I can not help myself from crying at night thinking how lonely she could be without having her children around to support her. I know she knew that our hearts are glued to hers wherever we are, no matter how far we are physically apart.
Do I love my father?
I did.
But what he did to us I could never forget and forgive. How could I forget all the bruises and blood spilled? How can I forget the pain he caused us? How can I face the world with all the mental tortures he passed on me during my growing up? I am grateful it happened though, and I have no one to thank to but him; because his leaving us means the end of suffering on my mother's part, although it took years for her to overcome the sudden loss, the shame and pain that he brought us on.
Dear, I love you so much. You are the source of my strength. Sometimes I forgot how lucky I am to have you standing beside (and also behind) me in everything I do. Doubt me never, I could never find another you.
"If I ever love again, even then nothing will change..."
For the past one year, we both know, it has been so challenging for us both, with the tantrums and all, and I know you are hurt sometimes. Maybe not as much as I did. But we mended, we pulled through it all and we survived. Leaving it all behind (and learn the lesson), I am looking forward for years of happiness with you. We may not be in the best and perfect bond, but we make the best out of it. I hope we always will.
Selamat hari raya.
Maaf zahir dan batin.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Sampai ku menutup mata...
I love you, more than you ever know, more than I should, more than anything else in this world. It is timeless, it grows stronger each day passing, it overflows in my heart I cannot find a space to fill it in anymore. The love that pulls me through when the going gets tougher and tougher, the one that I swore to myself will never be replaced ever, the one that I have always prayed to Almighty God will last to my last breathing, the one that I hope and swear will carry it with me everywhere I go even down to my grave.
That's how I love you.
No. Truth is, my love for you is indescribable. Love is too small a word to define what I feel for you. And I swear to you, it is immeasurable.
I don't know how I should tell you about what I feel.
I don't know if you could understand a bit of it, mine is too complicated to understand.
That's how I love you.
No. Truth is, my love for you is indescribable. Love is too small a word to define what I feel for you. And I swear to you, it is immeasurable.
I don't know how I should tell you about what I feel.
I don't know if you could understand a bit of it, mine is too complicated to understand.
embun di pagi buta
menebarkan bau asa
detik demi detik ku hitung
inikah saat ku pergi
oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi
aku tak mudah mencintai
aku tak mudah mengaku ku cinta
aku tak mudah mengatakan
aku jatuh cinta
senandungku hanya untuk cinta
tirakatku hanya untuk engkau
tiada dusta sumpah ku cinta
sampai ku menutup mata
cintaku sampai ku menutup mata
oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi...
There were times when I cried at night alone thinking of you, of how I missed you, of how I wanted you badly with me, of how painful life is without you beside me. And last night I cried again, I called out your name hoping you will come and hug and comfort me and take me out of this misery forever.
But you didn't.
I love you damn much, but it is killing me inside...
Daisy
OST > Daisy (데이지) > Korean
01. 데이지 - 헤이
내가 그토록 원했던 사랑이 내 앞 에 있는데
아무 말도 하지 못 한 채로 바라만 보내요
낯설 기만한 이 도시 사랑을 그리며 살았죠.
데이지향 가득한 그대를 언젠가 만날 꺼라며
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데 함께할 수 없나봐요
죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데
미안해요 그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
매일 같은 시간이면 그대는 내 곁에 있었죠
바보처럼 나만 모르는 체 그댈 스쳐 보냈네요
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데
함께할 수 없나봐요 죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데 미안해요
그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
아프고 또 아파와도...떠나야 하네요
Daisy - Hey
romanization by: asn_aishiteru (also credit: aheeyah.com)
Nega gutorok woneton sarang0i ne ape inunde
Amu maldo haji motan chero baraman boneyo
Natsol gimanan idoshi sarang-ul gurimyo sarajo
Deiji(Daisy)hyang gadukan guderul onjenga manal koramyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde hamkehalsu omnabayo
Jugodo nochigin shironunde
Mianeyo gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Meil gatun shiganimyon gudenun ne gyote isojo
Babochorom naman morunun che gudel sucho boneneyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde
Hamkehalsu omnabayo jugodo nochigin shironunde mianeyo
Gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Apugoto apawado...tonaya haneyo
Daisy (데이지) > translation
01. Daisy - Hey
translation by: bangku (also credit: aheeyah.com)
In spite of all my wishes love is always in my future.
I really can't say it, but I still wish to see you.
Even though love is a strange and tricky city for me, it is where I wanted to live.
One day I will meet up with you, who are full of the scent of a Daisy
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
If you can, everyday at the same time, be next to me.
Like a fool, I pretend to steal a glance at you
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
I hurt and I am hurting.... I must go.
01. 데이지 - 헤이
내가 그토록 원했던 사랑이 내 앞 에 있는데
아무 말도 하지 못 한 채로 바라만 보내요
낯설 기만한 이 도시 사랑을 그리며 살았죠.
데이지향 가득한 그대를 언젠가 만날 꺼라며
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데 함께할 수 없나봐요
죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데
미안해요 그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
매일 같은 시간이면 그대는 내 곁에 있었죠
바보처럼 나만 모르는 체 그댈 스쳐 보냈네요
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데
함께할 수 없나봐요 죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데 미안해요
그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
아프고 또 아파와도...떠나야 하네요
Daisy - Hey
romanization by: asn_aishiteru (also credit: aheeyah.com)
Nega gutorok woneton sarang0i ne ape inunde
Amu maldo haji motan chero baraman boneyo
Natsol gimanan idoshi sarang-ul gurimyo sarajo
Deiji(Daisy)hyang gadukan guderul onjenga manal koramyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde hamkehalsu omnabayo
Jugodo nochigin shironunde
Mianeyo gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Meil gatun shiganimyon gudenun ne gyote isojo
Babochorom naman morunun che gudel sucho boneneyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde
Hamkehalsu omnabayo jugodo nochigin shironunde mianeyo
Gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Apugoto apawado...tonaya haneyo
Daisy (데이지) > translation
01. Daisy - Hey
translation by: bangku (also credit: aheeyah.com)
In spite of all my wishes love is always in my future.
I really can't say it, but I still wish to see you.
Even though love is a strange and tricky city for me, it is where I wanted to live.
One day I will meet up with you, who are full of the scent of a Daisy
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
If you can, everyday at the same time, be next to me.
Like a fool, I pretend to steal a glance at you
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
I hurt and I am hurting.... I must go.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Back and hurt....
Yeah, it's been awhile.
A friend (perhaps someone that I knew from school is much more appropriate) died in March. The news came as a shock, I thought I saw him few months earlier at a shopping complex looking as healthy as a Greek God (during school time he was as skinny as a piece of plywood). Since that day I don't know why I suddenly stopped writing.
And so many things happened along the way. A birthday as sweet as before (only this year smeared by a heated argument which later both of us tried to forget at the soonest to enjoy the special day together - thanks for the books. Love them!), work that stole most of my time even on weekends which now I feel quite grateful otherwise I would be craving for his attention that I believe is making him sick of me, a niece who now has learned to walk and goo goo gaa gaa to his lonely uncle just celebrated her first birthday today...
I'm back in the trouble limelight again. We had a series of argument which I believe started with the issues of trustworthy and honesty. I thought it has come to its end when we no longer know how to respect each other individually and emotionally, how to fulfill the expectations that grow even higher day by day. I thought the longer the time we take to understand each other the better the relationship will become but no! It seems that we are growing apart, more confused each time passing. We talked and fixed it. It seemed to work for a few seconds only, then we just went back to the shaky affair. Did I try so hard or he was just lightly taking it to his side? I don't know.
He lied. Again. This time it hurt so bad that I swore I would never forgive him and it could never be forgotten. Extreme? Perhaps. But I have told him many many times before, I need nothing but the truth and the truth is what he should give me. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes but it is better than being told a lie only to be "enlightened" by some other people that it was nothing but a lie! The pain is even worst.
He said he was just protecting me. Unacceptable. I think he was just taking it lightly (again), it was just a reasoning to justify his action, to run away from being held responsible for the lies that he told me all the while. After all, he has been doing that since the day we first met. How could he never thought about what I would feel if I find out he was lying to me? What is there to hide?
What hurt the most is that all this while (as long as I can remember it started late last year), the time he spent with me had been lesser and lesser. From few days a week it went down to once a week and subsequently once a month. Yes he called me everyday but a call is a call, there's no human, personal touch in it. He claimed every time I voiced it out that he was busy at work, he has no time even for himself, that he has no one else but me, bla bla bla... Yet, in his extremely limited time for me, he has lots of time to spend on seeing other people......not even seeing but doing more than that!
I love him, no doubt. He is the only love of my life that I see I would keep to my last breath. I may offered him a truce. But the damage that done was so huge, forgetting even forgiving this time around is not an option for me. I have lost the trust and respect for him.
Some things must change if this relationship is to get going. He has to show some effort. Else..........
A friend (perhaps someone that I knew from school is much more appropriate) died in March. The news came as a shock, I thought I saw him few months earlier at a shopping complex looking as healthy as a Greek God (during school time he was as skinny as a piece of plywood). Since that day I don't know why I suddenly stopped writing.
And so many things happened along the way. A birthday as sweet as before (only this year smeared by a heated argument which later both of us tried to forget at the soonest to enjoy the special day together - thanks for the books. Love them!), work that stole most of my time even on weekends which now I feel quite grateful otherwise I would be craving for his attention that I believe is making him sick of me, a niece who now has learned to walk and goo goo gaa gaa to his lonely uncle just celebrated her first birthday today...
I'm back in the trouble limelight again. We had a series of argument which I believe started with the issues of trustworthy and honesty. I thought it has come to its end when we no longer know how to respect each other individually and emotionally, how to fulfill the expectations that grow even higher day by day. I thought the longer the time we take to understand each other the better the relationship will become but no! It seems that we are growing apart, more confused each time passing. We talked and fixed it. It seemed to work for a few seconds only, then we just went back to the shaky affair. Did I try so hard or he was just lightly taking it to his side? I don't know.
He lied. Again. This time it hurt so bad that I swore I would never forgive him and it could never be forgotten. Extreme? Perhaps. But I have told him many many times before, I need nothing but the truth and the truth is what he should give me. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes but it is better than being told a lie only to be "enlightened" by some other people that it was nothing but a lie! The pain is even worst.
He said he was just protecting me. Unacceptable. I think he was just taking it lightly (again), it was just a reasoning to justify his action, to run away from being held responsible for the lies that he told me all the while. After all, he has been doing that since the day we first met. How could he never thought about what I would feel if I find out he was lying to me? What is there to hide?
What hurt the most is that all this while (as long as I can remember it started late last year), the time he spent with me had been lesser and lesser. From few days a week it went down to once a week and subsequently once a month. Yes he called me everyday but a call is a call, there's no human, personal touch in it. He claimed every time I voiced it out that he was busy at work, he has no time even for himself, that he has no one else but me, bla bla bla... Yet, in his extremely limited time for me, he has lots of time to spend on seeing other people......not even seeing but doing more than that!
I love him, no doubt. He is the only love of my life that I see I would keep to my last breath. I may offered him a truce. But the damage that done was so huge, forgetting even forgiving this time around is not an option for me. I have lost the trust and respect for him.
Some things must change if this relationship is to get going. He has to show some effort. Else..........
Saturday, March 10, 2007
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