Tamu at the Queen's Lake...

It was hilarious, once in a blue moon kind of affair.

I had pals came by over the weekends filling up the air of my recently spring-cleaned space with laughter and lots. Funny, and refreshing too because hardly I get my own space and moment to celebrate something that is so overwhelmingly ordinary and plain.

There was absolutely nothing to celebrate indeed, not a single reason at all. But then who needs one? So we just did. Simple and satisfying.

Hardly I get my own visitors simply because too much inconvenience to be dealt with but this time; boy, I had the "time of your life" deal! It was worth a wait. Can't really wait for another good time together!

Damn, how I've longed the feeling of being and staying alive! LOL

Time to simplify life....

I recently subscribed to Oprah.com and have been religiously submitted myself to its contents.

Oprah is one hell of a lady, there is no doubt! No matter how much I wanted to disagree with her, I had to surrender myself because at the end of the day I knew it all has been laid right on my nose. It is just a matter of whether or not I can or want to see and face the music. It is just the everyday thing.

So, if such is the reality, why do I have to subscribe to her ideas & writings then?

Well, sometimes we need people to tell us that we are not always right. We need real people, real friends to stop us from making more mistakes. I need people to stand up against me and fight for the right & real facts, not for the sake of fighting. And I think, sometimes it is just a way of confirming; that I want people to knock on my head so that I know that they know that I exist.

In her recent email, she popped up a few questions: is it possible to live with less? What truly matters?
Think about those struggling to make ends meet who may need what we don't.

Oh, why is it so difficult? When did we start to become so materialistic, that we suddenly forgotten to live a simple life? Who are we, where did we come from?

Call it the enlightenment, I don't buy it. What I want to know is, how did we get to this? Why can't I simplify my thoughts, feelings, life and stuff? Why can't I be a simple person on the inside as I always appear on the outside? Why am I a complicated one? Pening lalat already lah....

Crash, boom, bang......

I met, again, an accident yesterday on my way back home from work.

It was a slow, heavy traffic as usual. Nearby the Pandan Indah exit on the MRR2 highway towards Cheras, right after I changed from the kura-kura lane to super rabbit, behind a suspiciously not-so-brand-new black Proton Saga which bears Malacca registration number, I did not turn into free gear and pull the hand break. I stepped my left foot on the clutch pad and the right one on the break pad instead.

Without any delay whatsoever, I fell asleep and the next sound I heard was an extremely loud bang and the rest was history. What more can I say? I admitted it was my fault, I was extremely tired. My body just could not take it anymore and pretended to be the next James Dean against me.

Again, I did not know why I rang my boss right after the accident on the way to the police station. But I guess it was the right thing to do because she indirectly came to my aid.

A huge sum of loss is what I have made for myself on that evening!
Sigh....

Words of wisdom....

Changing the world starts from within...

Did you ever realize that the second that just went by will never be seen again...

I've noticed that a person is only able to be happy once he has decided who he truly is...

You have a choice in life it is up to you to make it what you will...

-Deanna Yusoff-

Something to ponder........

We have become so used and extremely familiar to the phrase of "malang tidak berbau".

But, how could it never crossed our conscious minds that "tuah" is also odorless, hence none the better?
Heh...how about that?

The real issue:
Until today, there is still no news about my crashed external hard disk. If it is unrecoverable, there goes my office works, videos, my videos, vacation photo collections, my photos, ehem, ehem...

Well I guess I have been too comfortable with the unknown, odorless tuah of the external hard disk all along, that I forgotten its malang is waiting around the corner for me.
Talk about the ignorant me....

Soulless me (the Eid ul Fitri version)...

I seriously have no idea what has gotten into me of late. An extremely lazy person is what I have turned myself to, with rocketing anger and easily irritated to tiny little petty things, and sometimes I feel that I am a man with no soul left to live. Gosh, it is getting worst and crazier each day passing!

Sometimes I feel like I have lost interest in everything, including writing.

Hari raya was an extremely boring event. I got stuck in KL on the raya eve due to "overdose", spent the whole night at home alone praying that all the sicknesses would go away so that I could start my journey back to my hometown. Every half hour I would be checking on my veins and skin; praying that the bluish would be gone soon, for the tremblings and pain to stop. When prayers didn't work, I resorted to more pain killers and sleeping pills.

I woke up confused on the first day of raya. I knew something big is going on that day, but what was it? I could not recall, and I let few phone calls went unanswered. I thought it was Sunday (of course, it was) but something was missing on that unusual Sunday. An hour of confusion later, slowly I regained conscious and cried for letting that to happen on me. I had no proper baju Melayu to wear, not a complete suit, and I had no songkok even! I was so mad at myself that day.

Not wanting to let the big day go off wasted, I quickly ran (or that's what I thought, but in real I was actually moving slowly like an old, sick fella) into shower and drove off in the slow traffic. I had to pull over a couple of times; my eyesight was at its worst ever, my head was spinning and I threw up 3 times along the journey. Still pretending to be okay, I made a few phone calls to my mother telling her that I was already on my way but don't wait for me. Almost suffering, it was so challenging and tiring I wished I didn't have to go through it. Sweating heavily when I reached my grandmother's home, I helped myself to a glass of water and a thin cut of lemang, while trying at my best to not looking sick or shit.

I am sick, that was my short reply to granny's question about my health, before I threw myself on the couch and drowned into a deep sleep until I woke up at almost midnight when everyone else came home from I-don't-know-where. I felt, or perhaps I thought I feel, when I was sleeping granny's cold palm rubbing my sweaty forehead whispering in her unusual, shaky voice, Oh dear, whatever troubles that you are going through, stop torturing yourself because it hurts me a lot...please come back and get healed, my love.

When I reached my mother's home, it was already half past midnight and she waited for me on the couch looking extremely worried. I had my niece running after and around me. I wanted so badly to hang around and play with her but I just couldn't. There was no energy left inside me that once I laid myself on the bed, the world was already far behind me.

I knew I hurt them a lot this time. I have become someone whom they might no longer know, and perhaps someone they do not even want to know, ever.
I wish I could find my way back...

Salam Aidil Fitri buat semua, maaf dipinta atas semua gerak laku dan kata-kata yang melampaui batas kesusilaan seorang anak, adik, sahabat, saudara, lelaki dan manusia. Entah dapat atau tidak bertemu lagi dengan Syawal yang akan datang?

Tuhan, ingat lagikah Engkau pada bicara kita yang lalu...? Hanya bila Engkau telah yakin dengan aku, ya.

It has been a long time.....

since the last time I logged in and wrote my borbottare in this blog.

Been so busy at work, and health is still an issue yet to tackle. Also, ideas and creativity were too limited to continue writing.

Ramadhan is almost over, and Aidil Fitri will follow suit soon.
I am still lost and searching for my own direction.

I can only hope this coming Aidil Fitri will be the most meaningful in my life so far.

Until then, I'm just going to live as it is.

Thank you, Miss Fleck...

Today I rose from bed feeling overly emotional. I played some music, melancholic songs, and I finally resorted myself to this one and threw myself in the world of loneliness and pain (sometimes I don't really know what I am talking about).

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.

The first time ever I kissed your mouth
And felt your heart beat close to mine
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command.

And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last till the end of time my love
It would last till the end of time my love

The first time ever I saw your face, your face,
your face, your face...

Boy, did I cry (because our time is over)...

On Siti Nurhaliza Taruddin (SNT)....

Oh, how I hate her very much!!!

Today my mother coming visited me bringing together with my niece to see her mother, who was my sister. After we had eat our dinners, I must forced to follow with everybody's choices in my house to see Anugerah Planet Muzik, this year being organizing at the Indonesia. What an unfortunately night to me to see the stupid award shows!

As usually, SNT and with her crazy for publicity cum womanizer husband is at there too. To the hell with them two, like I cared for them. Never in my lifes, ye! But what is the irritating to me mostly about this stupid woman and i want to vomit until this very minute is that:

1) why in the hell have she be speaking in the Indonesian slang???

2) Why can't she be used her own the Malay slang that she is have been prouded of all these whiles???

3) Is it because that she is walking on land at there on the Indonesia so she must also speaking on the Indonesian slang???

4) Why she did not be speaking in the London language when she is doing the singing concert at the London???

5) Or when she goes to the US to see the factory Maybelline?

5) She long time ago go to the Shanghai to sang in a song competition, but why is she dont talking in the Chinese language???

And also, why must she is following like the women UMNO politician's tudung style which showing her hairs??? Better don't wearing tudung altogether at all lah..! What an eyes sickening!

There is many artist in the Malaysia got married with the usual people, but they didn't bring along everywhere to parade their husbands or wifes to the tv. But this SNT always want to show off her ugly husband to all of the people in tv. Hello...you go got the life, ok??? He was not handsome and macho at all, he is OLD and cannot give u children because his cum is expired already! Haha! She is now very acting very like Anita Sarawak who is always dragging her unemployed Mat Saleh husband everywhere to promotion for business only, to give him the job to do, when in the facts he was not have talents at all. Gosh, stop competitioning you two womans!!

Maybe the short name SNT suited her very much.

SNT = Saya Nggak Tau.... (dumb) I am sound so stupid when I talking in the Malay...

Huh....somebody please take for me coffee in the cup please...!!!

Haha...this was only to laughing-laughing only, don't angry..... Happy weekend all peoples!

My name is Sweet.....

Bila dikenang-kenangkan, terasa benar ruginya tak beriya-iya berkayak masa di kolej dulu. Sudahlah free, time was never a problem, and the kayaks were always available at any time. In my own refusal, dalam hati bagai nak gila! Boleh dibilang sebelah tangan sahaja berapa kali dicuba mendayung. Itu pun curi-curi waktu malam.

Kenapa ya ada perasaan takut masa itu? Ah! Konon-kononnya takut terbalik, basah, tak pandai, malu orang tengok & gelak, etc. Now that everybody has grown up and busy with their own lives, baru terkial-kial nak mencari geng-geng untuk berkayak. Sigh...

Sayang sekali Trolak dah berubah fungsi & wajah. A very short period of time spent there, but lots of memory created. It was there where I got my very first nickname ever in my life. And also be known by it since. Can they still remember my actual name now?

Gosh, how I miss everything in my past!

On daily routine....

So hectic. Very kelam kabut.

Many times I fell asleep soon as I reached home and threw myself on the couch. I had the tv watching me sleeping and perhaps snoring. Still, I feel that I couldn't get enough rest and sleep. I grew tired easily each day passing.

Exam is coming soon, I have yet to prepare myself. I couldn't remember a single thing taught in the class this morning, my mind was pre-occupied with things I was not sure myself.

I am a panda... I hate looking at myself in the mirror!

Gosh!

Nina and the Spice Girls....

Drowned in absolute boredom, as I was lazily browsing through the net I came across the official website of the most successful female band in the history of human kind, Spice Girls. Looking at their photos, reading their final goodbye note, suddenly I felt at loss, longing for the glory and glamorous days of the most celebrated, headlines-making, famous five of the music industry.

I remember when I was in college circa 1997-1998, it was during this time that the Spice Girls is a huge world pop-star phenomenon. Together with my college close friend Nina we went so crazy about the British all girls group - we went everywhere talking about the girls, debating who is the cutest, sexiest, trendiest, and so the list kept on going. Nina brought me back to his parent's house in PJ where we watched more and more video of the girls, by which raising questions from his parents on whether or not we were actually making full use of the internet for our study/research.

When Geri left the band I was among those who kept our fingers crossed that she would sooner regret it and find her way home to the arms of the rest of the girls...(gosh, how pathetic does it sounds?). During this time, Nina was already in Australia to further his study in accounting while I was (forced to) attending a computing course at a private university in Bangi. We lost contact since.

Anyway, that was way back then. The girls finally bid goodbye last year leaving all the sweet and fun memories to a tiny little fan like me, who is still longing for their crazy acts and fun music. It was not just the music that they left behind, it was more to a wonderful life experience that we the fans shared with each other. Where else in the world can we get to see damn straight boys singing to Wannabe and dancing to its steps perfectly?

And where else can I get a Nina as a good friend? We didn't just share the Spice Girls, we shared a perfect bond of friendship (or shall I put it as brotherhood).

To Nina, I wish you all the good things in life the world could offer. I hope one day our paths will cross and the old friendship reborn anew. Damn missing you much, dude!

On label and labeling....

Most recent one: The Selfish Bastard

Aku suka sangat!

If only labels are Queen's award, I surely have made myself a proud Duke now!

On good deeds...

I found this invaluable quote while doing some research to my speedy recovery:-

“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.”

- Francis Maitland Balfour British Biologist (1851-1882)

Just when was the last time I gave due respect to myself and did charity to others?
After much deep thinking, I could not find any. Or perhaps once or twice, in which I made the very right decision for my own sake when people around me thought that I was the selfish bastard. I was just saving myself from committing severe damages, therefore giving myself a proper respect. And by doing it, subsequently though invisibly I did a charity to another party.

And by the way, how many of them would really appreciate the good deeds I did for them? (Not that I'm being insincere, but ralat)
On that note, I choose not to give a damn at all; I volunteer myself to be the selfish bastard. No matter what the people say.
Ada aku kesah?

On getting another year older....

It was perfect. With no alarm clock to my assistance, I woke up from a deep sleep (I have been sleeping since 7pm yesterday) exactly at 7.45am, the same exact time when I was brought into this (cruel?) world. I took a long shower, had a very heavy breakfast, then dumped myself into The Last Eunuch of China until I got bored reading about someone's past (whilst the future has lots more to offer).

I'm getting older and so much in life yet to be achieved.

While typing this I realized how much time I have wasted. So many things that I have planned did not materialized and some went into ashes. For example, the main bedroom wall is yet to be hanged with the wallpaper I bought more than a year ago, the plan for an internet based business is at halt due to health turbulence, the hard earned money spared for emergency was stolen, sickness come and go (and never give up revisit), and I am far from being appointed as a senior in my office (I keep my fingers crossed that it would be sooner, damn the sickness!!).

Nevertheless, I will not let those hiccups cease my life journey ahead. Like someone said not long ago; strive, fight on, leave the past behind and walk through it all with your head up high (but forget not the grass that you walk on). Why do I feel like I have heard this over and over again?

Indeed it is a calm, quiet and peaceful Sunday. God knows how much I cherish this calmness I rarely had in my 30 years of life. I guess it has to be a good start for me. I'd better start soon on my Tiger Claws. In books I finally found peace (owh, really??)...

Well, happy birthday to me!

When you are warmly welcomed to the club 30.....

Well, I for one thing, did not cry after the fun & celebration last night! Why should I? There was nothing to cry about. Of my wasted 20s? Duh, why bother..??

Anyway, it was indeed a night of fun & celebration. I had a nice dinner with my two BFFs (although I was the only one who was actually having a real meal!), a cake (in which nobody dared to eat for fear of too big & potong), candle-blowing, a stranger's (a girl) wish, photo shoots, not forgetting the "theme" (what the heck with the ties??? But I just abode, what the heck, it was fun!), and of course, the usual favourite rubbish talking. Haha!

Partying followed suit, where I danced my heart out! It sure was a real fun.

Big thank you, guys. Though celebrating is not really my thing (sementelahan the day is yet to come!!!), for the sake of you two crazy people, I just layan... On a much serious note, thank you for being my pillars whenever I was bad or good, up or down. The time that you both spent for me, priceless. Let us pray for brighter future ahead for us all, amin...

Despite all the hiccups, God has given me the chance to live up to almost 30 years (todate), I am very much grateful. I hope He will let me live much longer (in prosperity)...

Gosh, I cannot believe I'm about to leave my 20s!
Whatever!

p/s - thanks for the photos, arez.

June 6th

Daulat Tuanku!

Daulat Kakandaku!

Happy Birthday to both of you!

Daydream....

What if I could go back and be Hatshepsut? Here's a list (but not least):

1. change the name to Zhariz Azra (forever & ever)
2. eliminate Tuthmosis III & other possible/suspected enemies
3. build a small palace like Travolta's home minus the runway on a hill facing the sea complete with a Mediterranean-styled garden
4. preserve all existing monuments & temples but ban any sorts of worshiping activities; turn them into museums, theaters, hotels & last but not least, a huge library
5. build fully-furnished housing complex around the kingdom for all of my subjects, except the Jews (they will be made slaves)
6. build a fort city named Fort of Azra occupied by good looking men only, in which I own each and every one of them
7. oh, I forgot... I'm going to turn the existing temples into an exclusive all-male night club & a Roman-styled bath house
8. recruit only good looking & macho male escorts & slaves
9. party all day and night with my good looking & macho male escorts
10. pray hard so that I would not get murdered by my good looking & macho male escorts (well, you know...out of jealousy, craving for power, etc.)

Haha...isn't it nice to daydream after watching National Geographic?

To my ever-loved Debbie, Happy 30th Birthday!

It's just another rambling...

While typing this my hands are shaking and the veins visibly green on my now yellowish skin (that will last for one or two hours). I am my own enemy!

I must congratulate myself, that for the first time ever since I went seriously ill last March I had my attendance to work for this particular week full and most importantly, productive. Except for diarrhea being effect of the medicine I took on Wednesday that forced me to coming in late to work (almost at noon - with permission from my boss), the rest of the days were business as usual.

After months of cover up, the news of my illness finally reached the HQ that caused a surprising stir; rumors were passed on and my mailbox was full with "sorry to hear", "be strong" & "get well soon" e-mails, even from the people I have never met & dealt with. CEO & GM extended their support "in this trying time" via e-mails full of advises and positive messages. A personnel from Quality Unit came down to the branch to visit when I came back to work and offered personal help whenever needed. Singh, the messenger offered healing recipe and his prayer. A prominent UMNO figure who always come to me for facilities, even offered his personal doctor for me to attend to but I politely declined (because I knew it is going to be sky high pricey!).

I was so touched (though earlier on was a little furious with my boss for leaking the news to almost everyone she knew- I have specifically told her on the day I broke the finding last January that it shall remain unknown to everybody, including my immediate family members. Despite being told so, without me knowing she contacted my mother & sister, causing unnecessary panic and tension among the two).

For now, it is business as usual at the branch. Boss still acting bossy and sometimes motherly. Piles of files still waiting to be worked on on my desk. People keep on coming in requesting and inquiring about loads of thing, but most of the time these people can be so irritating especially when I was not feeling well or extremely fatigued. I hope I can write about these people one day.

Meanwhile, good days ahead, everybody!

Bolt of lightning couldn't hit me harder...

It suddenly struck into my head.

What if I have a disfigured face after this?
What would I do then?

UNTHINKABLE (tak tercapai dek akal)

I cried (tak pasal-pasal)...

(Second best thinkable title: On suddenly being ridiculous & emotional...)

What next...?

After a strangely long and sleepless night, I woke up this morning with high fever, heavy chest, dizziness and fatigued. The abdominal pain has gone (thank God), so I suspect these are the effects of the three overdosed injections I received yesterday.

Oh, how I hate getting jabbed!

I cringed in a sudden pain in my left abdomen this morning. Only the third overdosed jab finally eased the pain and put me into a long, deep sleep. I was lucky th0ugh that I did not faint while walking to the radiology department, considering how strong the third jab was. Three times within two hours for a jab-hater! They can practically send me to hell right away.

When I woke up the pain has gone (but the doctor said it sure will be back within 9-10 hours after the last jab). Right now my mouth is dry and I have temporarily lost my tastebud, makes me refuse to eat because everything I took in tasted extremely bitter even the plain water. The med would cause me throw ups, so I am not really sure what shall I vomit when the time comes. Funny!

But I will grow tired, for sure. Back to square one. Wallahualam...

In this pain...

Oh dear Lord the Almighty...

You know the road I have taken is winding. I willfully made the choice to go this path against Yours that eventually led me to this desperate, horrifying gridlock situation. And now that I am at total lost I have no one else to turn to but You.

Embrace me, oh the Merciful, as I resort my soul, my everything to You and please never let me down; for only You have the answers to all the secrets and questions, for only You have the cure to all of my anguishes and sufferings, for only Your light could lead me out of this darkness and despair.

Lo! Allah is Powerful, it seems to me all the doors are locked and I am standing outside here all alone. There is only one door left for me, so here I am knocking on Your door pleading Your merciful and let me enter. You are my only hope, so please... please Lord, do not close Your door and walk away from me...

Mayday! Mayday!

Life in turbulence.


Can it be saved?
(Perhaps it shouldn't)

Out of reach....

This is my place. I have been here since day one I was brought in. This corner is mine, a corner where I could only glance out through the window that fenced me from the world outside; motionless in my own disability.

Comes the sun its light shines upon me, warms me up and slowly fades the color of my skin.
Come the rain, I could only hope that the window would protect me from soaking wet; afraid that my incomplete form would melt in the course of time from the pollution-tainted rain.

I knew why I am here, brought in from the place where I was sold; though in my imperfect form but somehow attractive to some people that they wanted to own me at whatever cost. But I am only an object of display, nothing more; that is what I am to them.

Makes me wonder, was I ever been loved? If I ever was, why then I was being sold from one to another? I am so confused, and my heart is badly ached. They had me, but strangely they never gave their hearts and they put a distance to my existence. I was so sad, and still am.

But this morning as the sun rises, from this very spot in my small world I can see there is a light out there for me.

Only time would tell...

After days of waiting, only late yesterday I received the tests' result, and everything seemed not quite well/right. I went speechless, I wanted to; and I forced myself to cry but there was not a single tear came out. Then I asked myself, for what? There's nothing I could do about it, so why bother to cry? This is my destiny; accept it and move on. If happen that I die today or tomorrow, then be it. I guess I have lost the willingness to live and try.

Another scanning to go today (I don't quite understand why I agreed to undergo this anymore), I arrived here early as scheduled only to be told that I have to be fasting first before we could proceed with the next procedure. So now I am stuck in the waiting room as the result of their forgetfulness (aren't they supposed to remember everything since this is their everyday, routine job? How could they forget?).

Alone in this room, I looked at the photos that I have posted everywhere in the cyber space. How different I used to be, how well I looked, how happy I was. Just whatever had happened to me? Everything seemed to be taken off in a blink of the eyes. Where did I go wrong? Why did I allow all these to happen to me? Why did I hurt myself? Why did I...

Arez posted lots of our photos in his blog. Looking at those photos, I know there lies one of the happiest moments of my life; so how could I be so damn selfish and unfair to them both - letting go the beauty and future of our friendships by being ill and stop having the willingness to continue living.

In search of the strength to carry on, I sometimes found myself drowning too deep but I don't want to save myself...

Daun yang kuning layu...

Telah kusiram pohon ini dan kujaga sebaiknya, namun tetap sehelai daunnya layu.

Aku tertanya-tanya, di mana silapnya?

Hari ini peluang terbuka seluas-luasnya untuk aku berfikir sendirian. Sedang duduk memerhati daun yang layu kekuningan, terlintas di benak yang selalunya degil tak mahu mendengar kata logik; bahawa sebaik mana sekali pun aku menjaganya, hukum alam takkan sekali-kali dapat diubah untuk mengikut kemahuanku malah sesiapa pun. Tiba masanya, ia tetap akan layu dan mati.

Teringat seketika pada sebuah madah pujangga lewat musim yang lalu. Pernah aku ibaratkan kasih yang tertanam dalam hati ini sebagai pohon hijau yang perlu dijaga dan disiram sebaiknya; kalau tidak, layu dan matilah ia.

Tiba-tiba perasaan sayu menggodam hati. Betullah kata orang, setiap sesuatu yang bermula pasti ada penghujung/penamatnya. Itulah lumrah hidup. Aku yang terlupa, leka mungkin.

Membuatku terfikir lebih jauh mendalam. Bilakah masa untukku akan tiba? Sudah bersediakah aku?

Real story: Drama is powerful than pain killer....

Spending the whole day and night in bed over the past one week has given me the opportunity to watch never-seen-before TV programs on Astro. Besides my personal sexual interests in bananas, I couldn't help but feel amazed at how well-formed and high-quality the Korean dramas are. Sometimes I feel that they even surpassed the Western standard in drama production, as they are so well-written, rich in culture of their own, and presented in a way that made me think Koreans are strong with family values.

Put the language barrier aside (fret not, the English translation is provided), I could simply blend myself into the story and being a hopeless romantic I am, shed my tears over some touching scenes (an emperor was dying and during his final moment pledged his endless love to his empress and hoped to see her much sooner in their afterlives, which he had never done it before to any of his wives; and he was dead before his only heir to the throne - still a baby, was brought in to his bed chamber; to which the empress cried... so did I).

Also, there was a moment in which a radio personnel broke up with her boyfriend (on a secret request to the stupid guy by her own father) and they had to discuss about separation issue on air together. As the guy read his part from the script, "Why must we meet, share the laughter, pull the ship together, when at the end of the day we have to say goodbye? Why must goodbye be a word so cheap to be uttered? Is love too cheap to be found too?", I again shed my tears, I felt the pain, lost and sadness in their eyes. Too strong they portrayed it that I forgot I was only watching a drama.

I also couldn't help to laugh out loud to the funny and hilarious My Dad Loves Trouble. It pulled my mind away from the pain and miserable life that I am going through. I love the colors, the mountains, the rivers, the people, of course, the houses, and the list goes endlessly.

Oh, I also watched how Rain made it to a successful singing/dancing/acting career, and cried when I learned that his mother died before he launched his debut album. The scene where he bowed few times at her mother's remain was the peak of the peak of my emotional side, I just couldn't stop crying!

I must confess though, that my only motivation in watching the Korean channel is actually the cute actors. However, let me get it straight here, after some time watching, I realized that it is the show itself that made me stick and crave for more. The gorgeous people featured in the show is now only a bonus to me. I guess, that has made me a human...

Here's a short list of my favorite, worth watching Korean dramas:

1) The Iron Empress - period, love 'em!
2) Emperor of the Sea - period, now playing
3) My Dad Loves Trouble - period, suddenly out of the program list. Damn!
4) Boys Over Flowers - present day, very teeny weeny, now playing

A mysterious photographer...

I met him a couple of weeks ago. We became friends since, and I instantly become a weekly guest to his modest but gorgeous apartment in town.

Last week he showed me his works of art from around the world, places he went that no ordinary people would go (or rather have no chance to go). I was deeply amazed, they were so fantastic and beyond words. Only selected few had been given the chance to see his works, so he told me.

I suddenly asked myself, who actually is this guy? It couldn't be that he is an ordinary someone - judging from his works; yet he is too ordinary to me to be seen as extra-ordinary (from the tales he told, the people he mingles with, he has to be someone quite "known").

He whispered to my ear last week, of how wonderful it would be if we just lay on the beach, the ocean sing us a soft and soothing song, while our naked bodies are covered by the scattered stars in the sky, cuddling each other like we were the last lovers underneath the full, bright moon...

For a moment I forgotten that love lies. Pedulikan! I just want to enjoy this feeling; though mysterious he has been to me, he showered me with the love I have been missing all these while.


+ Sorry, I didn't get your name yet.
- It's Johan. And you?
+ Zhariz. Nice meeting you.

Do you ever realize.....

...that it is so true that letting go is the toughest thing to do?
That whenever you thought that you are okay was the moment that you are actually at your lowest end?

Do you ever realize that most of the time you:
1) blame yourself,
2) are unsure of what is going to happen next,
3) are so scared that you might fall again,
4) etc., etc., etc.?

Do you ever realize that forgiving yourself is the very first step to move on in your very own life?

I do realize all that; I did all that and then did nothing about it.
I am now learning to walk with my head up high (whilst not forgetting the green grass I am stepping my foot on).

Today I learned from someone (distant but close) that it took her more than 20 years to forgive herself and start a new life all over again with current baggage she is carrying. I was stunned. Should I wait for another 20 years to realize my own (favorite) mistakes and start all over again?

But I can not deny (and lie) that I am in love, so deep (and I could not [and do not want to] get myself out of it)...

(Apa yang aku merepek ni....?)
-the result of staying awake all night and think of the "shouldnthinkable"-

It's a new beginning (again)...

Thank God...

Everything turned to be fine (for the moment, at least).

Well-wishers, thank you for your thoughts & prayers. Will make a "special appearance soonest", I hope.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

On a strange land again.
I'm sick, tired, and fed up. I just wanna go home and come back next time with a better 'entourage'.

Till then, sorry I would not trust anyone anymore.

Sometimes my heart goes numb...(2)

How did I allow myself to forget that time does run fast...?

It was already expected when he conveyed me the bad news this morning (and by now there is nothing in this world surprises me anymore), but somehow I being so used to living in denial all these years, still felt extremely 'betrayed' and brokenhearted. I know the day like this will come sooner or later, whether I want it or not, as it is just a matter of time. And today it finally crossed its way into mine (surprise, surprise!). Guess my next step is to prepare for the next possibility, on whether I'm going to survive or succumb to it.

Im & Rez, thank you loads for the much needed time you both provided me today. It was such a relief...really!


"Walking Away"

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

sometimes some people get me wrong
when it's something I've said or done
sometimes you feel there is no fun
that's why you turn and run
but now I truly realise
some people don't wanna compromise
well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
and well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady

Well I'm so tired baby
things you say you're driving me away
whispers in the powder room baby
don't listen to the games they play
girl I thought you'd realise
I'm not like them other guys
coz I saw them with my own eyes
you should've been more wise
and well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady

Demi belas kasihMu....

Sakit itu rahmat. Sengaja diuji Tuhan, moga-moga disucikanNya segala dosa yang lalu.

Lalu kalau inilah rahmat dan belas kasih sayangMu untuk diriku, maka redhalah aku dengan ujianMu yang berat ini. Moga-moga tak Kau gelapkan pandanganku selama Engkau izinkan aku menggagahi diri dalam melawannya.

Aku bukan orang yang kuat. Tetapi bukan pula aku cepat sangat berputus asa. Ah...Kau yang lebih tahu.

Dalam saat-saat getir ini aku sendirian, aku tak punya sesiapa pun wahai Tuhan. Maka itu Kau bantulah aku, berilah aku kekuatan. Hadirlah Engkau di setiap saat nafas yang Kau izinkan aku hela (agar perasaan yang menggila ini pergi jauh-jauh).

Andai ini penghujungnya? Tutuplah mataku bila lengkap sudah kasih sayangMu. Putuskan nafasku bila telah yakin Engkau akan diriku. Kalau belum, jangan. Itu rayuanku. (Bukankah Engkau Tuhan yang Maha Pemurah?)

Detik ini, demi belas kasihMu untuk diriku, gugurkanlah seksaanMu yang ini. Aku takut tak tertanggung, ya Tuhan. Kasihanilah aku....

(Sakit juga memberi peluang untuk melihat di mana letaknya diri ini. Tak bertempat rupa-rupanya aku ini....)
Tuhan, mungkin ada baiknya kalau Engkau kurniakan aku amnesia....tak tinggal walau secebis pun ingatan yang selalu melukakan. Amin.

P A I N

...jauhilah aku...

(janji takkan datang lagi)

Oh what a fool I am...

That was just a plain old fantasy.

I've been used and fooled again. When will ever I learn?