Duhai tetamu Allah....

Untuk apa jua, hanya kemaafan yang aku pohon darimu.

Tenanglah, tiada apa lagi yang aku tahankan. Mana mungkin, semuanya untuk bahagiamu.

Nevertheless, thank you loads. Be known that you are deeply appreciated. And deeply missed too (beyond words).

(Love - hush....)

Dan bunga-bunga pun gugur berserakan.....

Today I watched that stupid 80's movie "Suara Kekasih" and I cried inside (because my mother was also watching right next to me).

Damn, I felt like an idiot!

Back to where I belong....

I feel safe (but not so good though) now.

Still throwing up but feeling a little okay than this afternoon. Changed my mind not to check-in to hospital, so I packed my stuff and drove back to KP straight away. In my mind, if I was to die, let me die in my mother's arm.

Usually it takes me almost one and a half hour to reach home but today, I set the record of 4 hours. Had to pull over and do away with the vomiting business.

Forget about work tomorrow. I need to rest (in peace).

I am ill...

Went to work this morning only to inform my boss how ill I am. While in her room, I threw up. Sorry, boss!

I could not stand the pain any longer, so I went home right away. I took some aspirins, tried to sleep but every 3 minutes or so, I threw up again. Up till now.

I am sick, and I am so exhausted from the vomiting. All these pain and vomitings reminded me of the late Zamri.

I really have no idea of how my body system works now. (There's no one around now) I am scared, what if...

Ni hao, Beijing?

Off to KLIA by 9 a.m, I was so kelam kabut taking the LRT then ERL yesterday morning; the result of last minute packing and also SOS text to my brother asking him to lend me his high resolution, canggih camera. I am not really a last minute person when it comes to travelling, but since I was not looking forward for this one trip, I took my own sweet time which later turned out to be absolute chaotic.

Anyway, on the ERL, I saw and sat opposite (not directly, I hid behind a seat) someone whom I knew from somewhere. I have his number but it was not vice versa. Lucky that he didn't see me, I set my mobile on silent mode and sent him a sms " Fuad, tie up your shoe lace!" He was so gelabah, looked around, tied up his shoe lace and replied "Done. Thanks. Who's there anyway?" I smiled alone (I was in fact alone) reading it but decided not to reply. He kept on sending "Who's there? Please, tell me your name, don't do this to me...". Then he sent me, "Is that you, wearing white T and blue jeans, reading a book?" Oooppsss, kantoi! Still I did not reply. But then he sent another sms, "If that is you, well, you're kinda cute!" I ignored him right away. He disembarked at Putrajaya. Before leaving the train he looked at me and I gave him a "what??" look. Well, that was that.

I boarded Cathay Pacific. The flight to Hong Kong was smooth (thank God) although it was cold there when I arrived. Less than 2 hours transit actually left me no time to wandering around. But the next time when people ask I can tell them that "Hey, I've been in Hong Kong (International Airport only)!" Heard that it was easy to get porn magazines there, but maybe later.

The next 3 hours journey to Beijing was a drama of air turbulance and I swear it was damn scary. All the way everyone was screaming to the top (including me), some even cried (excluding me). I was so scared to death that we might explode, plunge into the sea, on the desert, or even skid while landing. 3 Chinese girls sitting right behind me threw up and the whole cabin was smelly with, well, yeah, of course! I swear will never board Dragon Air (China's version of Air Asia) ever again! I think it was because of the name itself, that only selected ones can carry "dragon". Keramat, as they say and believe. However, the steward who dropped the hot meal on my lap was cute and I now would love to believe that he indeed did it on purpose, not by accident (plane tak bergoncang pun masa tu, ya...!).

Touched down almost 10 minutes to midnight, Beijing Capital International Airport was opened right on time for the Olympic 2008, so it was of course new, clean and beautiful inside out. Setting my feet on its land for the first time, Beijing was so damn cold and windy. Anyways, I couldn't be bothered (yet) with the weather, since the flight was a scary and terrible one, and I was extremely exhausted. Off to hotel, no shower and all, I immediately rested my head on the pillow and at no time fell asleep right away.

To mak, Happy Birthday! I love you more than anything, anyone.

From Beijing with love.

I just died in your arms tonight...

Matthew Heller

Autumn (Habitually Chic)....

Why did summer go so quickly
Was it something that I said
Lovers walking along the shore
Leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand
Pictures hanging in a hallway
And a fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Windmills of Your Mind

That dawn I became incredibly emotional....

Debbie, Ron, Imran & Arez....



...for being there...

p/s - Deb, forget not, you must be there till the very last sermon.

It's ok, that is life after all...

As much as I wanted to engrave this in my troubled mind, I still can't get over the pain, the sorrow that I myself allowed to drown into. Or worst, I refuse to get over it and move on. Yeah,there's a truth in it. Denying the truth and refuse to accept the reality,that things change, people change. Hearts do too.

Am I supposed to pretend that I don't feel the pain? When will I be free from this sorrow?

Maybe one day I will fall in love again,
but for now I'll just leave my heart in two...

A lonely silhouette dancing beneath the stars....

To'cha mai geti...

I live in the present, worry not about tomorrow.
Launch myself on every wave, try to find eternity in every moment.

But still I failed.

Aiyo...tekanan betullah!
Gi mandi bungalah hari ni!

Home Sweet Home - Part 2: Masculinity - the future bedroom?

I went to a home decor exhibition about 2 months ago (actually it was part of my stress therapy accompanied by my good friend Roni) and accidentally found a wallpaper which exactly matches the one that I had in my mind for ages.

Dying-ly, I have been wanting at least one wooden wall in my house, and I actually have planned to fix very dark brown laminated flooring on my bedroom wall to achieve that sense of masculinity (as shown, cantik tak?).

So, I paid RM50 as a deposit for the package, which I learned later from the salesgirl, would cost me about RM700 for a 10' x 12' wall including labor fee. I am not sure on whether wallpaper is much cheaper than laminated flooring to fix a wall, but all I know is I need another RM800 to buy a new queen-sized mattress and an unknown sum of money to build a platform to achieve the look I have been dreaming of.

Alah...! Looks like I have to cut down my expenses on "designer stuff"...! Bencilah!


Photo taken from Apartment Therapy.
(nama very the ironic!)

Home Sweet Home - Part 1: It's so Carrie (well,not quite)...!

Love it! I must have that bookshelf in my house soon (fingers crossed). I do think it carries Carrie's Manhattan old apartment look - cozy, spontaneous, casual, and quite fun too.

While she had a bench to complete the look, I might opt for the armchair as shown. If I can get the same armchair (for free hopefully, else I expect to find one in a junk store), I would repaint its frame shiny black and re-upholster with bold, funky fabric, to give it more pop, over-the-top new look.

That, if I can save the apartment...
(Bastard!)


Anyway, thanks to Nicole Balch (makingitlovely.com) for the inspiration.

Mengapa harus terjadi....

Mengapa semua ini harus terjadi
Di saat ku teguh pada pendirian
Menghabiskan sisa hidup denganmu
Kau tak lagi yang kuingin bersamaku selamanya...kasih

Tuhan tolong aku
Untuk dapat memahami derita batinku ini
Tuhan bantu aku
Agar sanggup kurelakan bila dia bukan untukku

Segenap rencana denganmu kekasih
Tak mungkin terjadi tanpa kehangatanmu
Kini bagai orang asing di hidupku
Tiada lagi sapa rindu kurasa darimu...kasih

(Bencilah....!)

Pulanglah....

Termenung ku sendiri
Memendam rindu tidak menentu
Kasih suci murni yang kita bina
Hapus hancur oleh kata fitnah

Di pagi hari raya
Hati sayu mengenang dirimu
Mudahnya kau menggantikan diriku
Seolah cintaku tak berharga

Apakah suratan, aidil fitri suatu titik akhir
Sekian lama bercinta, kau tiada di hari mulia

Keampunan ku pohon
Sekiranya aku yang berdosa
Pulanglah ku merinduimu sayang
Ku menanti dengan hati rela

Pulanglah kumerinduimu sayang
Ku menanti dengan jiwa raga

Pulanglah ke pangkuanku oh sayang
Ku menunggumu di hari raya...

Damn it!

Why did you have to be a heartbreaker,
when I was be-ing what you want me to be...


(Nothing's left for you but hate and deepest regret - and that's the truth!)

W Mag

Pyan...in memory (September 25, 2008)

I will always remember him as someone young, energetic, fun and definitely fabulous.
Unfortunately, he left us all behind, his beloved friends & family, too soon.

Nevertheless, I thank him for being part of our lives, whether he was a reason, a season or a lifetime. May he rest in peace, knowing that he left so many wonderful memories in each and everyone of us. His joy and laughter will always be remembered.

He was a fighter till the end.

Dear God, thank you for blessing us with a dear & lovely friend Suffian. Now that You have taken him away, bless his soul and let him rest in peace. It was a tough farewell, but You gave him the honor to surrender in Your arm in the holy month of Ramadhan.

"Aku sayang kau, Zam. Aku sayang semua kawan-kawan aku."
Hey, kenapa cakap macam tu pulak? Tak baik...
"Aku takut tak sempat nak cakap."
Be strong, okay. You must fight. Get well soon. Nanti kita boleh pergi holiday sama-sama lagi. Janji tau!
"Insya-Allah, kalau ada umur."

(And the love of The Almighty is much, much greater than us all...)

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Pyan was diagnosed with colon cancer stage 3, not long after we came back from holiday in Jogjakarta last February. He immediately went for surgery and followed by chemotherapy, which unfortunately his body had rejected. Meanwhile, the cancer had spread rapidly, but he did not give up hope. While being treated in Mount Elizabeth Hospital, Singapore, he collapsed in the bathroom, went into coma and never regain conscious until his last breath. He was laid in Tanah Perkuburan Ibukota, Gombak.

(And I secretly wished it was me....)

Bury me deep, I'm dead....

I am so done with crying, there's no more tears left to shed as I am led closer to the day my life as a rightful human being will be taken away.

I did mistakes. Some are still repeated (those are my favorite mistakes), some are learned, but there's one or two deeply regretted. For that I am now about to lose my rights, dignity and everything I have worked for.

Standing among peers and others, I am the most unfortunate lot. In every sense. I learned my lessons through a different and hardest way. My life has been a winding, bumpy road in every possible ways even when I thought I was doing okay.

I now no longer know how to be grateful that I am still here living and breathing when I am denied every rights as a person. At times when I sunk low and deep, I wished nothing but death to come upon me. It was too great (the urge), to end me indefinitely - to let the world finally know I was here, lived unhappily, and left as a complete loser.

It is at such a difficult time like this that we will know who's who. Fun is shared, hard time is spared. Wearing this hat, I now know who my real friends are. True friends are indeed rare. Even love has long gone, I have stopped believing.

"Look, we were just fucking. How about giving me a chance to breathe?"
Okay, I get it.

Too high the price that I have to pay for this mistake. I can't afford, I'm too exhausted to fight. I have totally gave up my life. Take whatever you want from me, for I have no wish to breathe.

There's no me anymore. I'm officially gone.

My best birthday gift ever....

Ten days ago, I celebrated my 29th birthday.

Correction, I reached the age of exactly 29 but no celebration whatsoever, just a few sms wishing me "Happy Birthday" from a small lots whom I consider as my best buddies. At least they didn't forget that not-so-important date in their lives. Thanks a lot, you happy lots!

I didn't get anything for my 29th birthday. To say I didn't expect anything on my big day is a lie, and it is also a lie to say that I did not feel disappointed when I got nothing this year. Also, it was a huge disappointment when those people you thought you are closed to did not remember at all!

But the best birthday gift I have ever had in my whole life is the presence of someone whom I would never find another ever. Though I later felt sorry and disappointed (with myself) because I missed the big breakfast I was supposed to have with him on that very morning (I left my phone in the car the night before and his calls went definitely unanswered, stupid me!!), the few minutes he spent with me was the best moment and the one that I cannot simply wish for more...

At 29, what more can I wish than love, peace and joy?

Wish I was there....

Called my mother to check things out. Sis has started to work, but she talk and eat less still. She keep herself isolated.

Zea is sent to her babysitter as usual. Back home yesterday, she ran to the bedroom looking and calling out for her abah...

God, give her the strength to move on. Protect them and shower them with love, peace and joy. Amin.

In somber mood...

Death is right in front of us. It lingers around, it is everywhere.
It takes away those whom we love and brings despair to us all who left behind.

Memories remain, keep them safely. Nevertheless, life must go on.

To Zamri, al-fatihah....
(He passed away on 29th May 2008)

Call me katak (yang comel) di bawah tempurung, I don't care!

Oh, how I miss the familiarity of my own place (home, to be exact)...
I have never realized that I dislike the opposite until I stepped my foot on this kiasu land. It is true then that we always thought the grass is always greener on the other side. Of course, most of the time we are wrong because we always tend to underestimate our own ground.

For all the good things that have been said about this place by many, I beg to differ.

For one, while walking from my hotel to the nearest MRT station, no doubt the preserved old buildings are so very beautiful that I can't help but to admire, even envy, the endless preservation efforts by the government (and also the citizen), and the efficiency of the public transportation is beyond our (Malaysian) reach, but along the way I can see clearly rubbish, cigarette butts being thrown all over. Now, who dares telling me straight to my face that Singapore is indeed very clean?

Also, from my observation, Malays in Singapore are lazy. How?

I reached there very early in the wee hour, feeling so sleepy and tired (although the journey by bus only took me about 4 hours). With my luggage under my head, I slept on a bench at the bus station, accompanied by another 3 European backpackers whom I bet at lost (they are however, gorgeous and hunky!). By 7 a.m., I walked towards the MRT station heading to Tanjung Pagar where my hotel is situated at. After safe-keeping my luggage at the hotel, I went out walking to find a place to have breakfast (I was damn starving). It was not that hard to find a food court (although it was dominated by Chinese hawkers) and that morning I can only find one stall which sells (halal) Malay food. I hesitated because the door was only half-opened (but there were already people queuing to buy some apparently Nyonya kuih). When I approached the makcik (who moves slowly), and I ordered mee rebus which was clearly printed on the menu, she told me off that everything is not ready yet except the kuih and dull-looking fried noodle and meehoon (and it was already 8 a.m.)!

"Hello makcik, nak berniaga ke tidak....??!"
She stared back at me with the classic I-hate-you-Malaysian-people look.

Food sucks!! Tasteless!! I ordered a plate of fried rice with chicken and fried egg (they call it "telur mata lembu" - I assume there is no kerbau in Singapore!) for my dinner at a presumably famous restaurant near Kampung Glam. The reason I patronized the restaurant was because it was packed with people (mostly Malay and some gorgeous Mat Sallehs...yummy!) I had to wait to be seated, so I easily made my own assumption that it has to be damn good! To my horror surprise, when the food arrived, my fried rice was like the one cooked with perencah nasi goreng segera Adabi. It was plain, no vegetables whatsoever! What about the chicken? Hidden underneath the fried egg, sliced into small pieces (at least five slices). I wanted to laugh out loud when the waiter asked me to pay on the spot - the price: SGD5! Crap! My tastebud's savior for the night was the chilli sauce in packet (naughty minded, cynically I guessed that they got it from McDonald's!).

And a group of friends at the very next table to mine was talking happily and endlessly about how marvellous their food tastes! Oh, my dear friends, have you ever been to any other places outside Kampung Glam/Singapore? (Get a life!!)

Ironically, the very next day in a local English newspaper, it promotes Singapore Food Festival that promises great food tasting experience! Hah!!! I had a good laugh with my travel mate that early morning.

I went to Boat Quay one night to watch the Water Fools show (very ironic) in conjunction with Singapore Arts Festival 2008. It was reported in a local English newspaper that the show and fireworks were so amazing and fantastic, beyond imagination. Boo, I was fooled! It was overrated. The last fireworks may have saved the event, though I was dying to think that our own DBKL fireworks show is much, much better, beyond Singapore's own imagination!

The river? It is indeed not as bad as ours, it is dark green in colour, unsmelly, unlike ours which looks like a river of teh susu that smells like shit. I do admire its river. But, I still can see sampah berenang-renang keriangan bersama rakan-rakannya. Bersih? Not at all, it was all myth!

People say shopping in Singapore is indeed a good therapy for those who feel depressed at home, and I thought I was lucky to be there during the Great Singapore Sale to take my mind off of the hectic, miserable life I live in KL. Well, it was Not-So-Great-Singapore-Sale in the end. I don't understand what's so great about it? KL is much more heaven and cheaper! Enough said.

Well, I do not see Singapore as a must-visit place. I would not feel ralat if I do not ever have a chance to go there (again). I would not miss it, that's definite.

3 days spent, I was already feeling boring on my first evening. Can't believe I was suffering from home-sickness by just going to Singapore (I still can remember, the last time I felt homesick during my first day at a boarding school when my mother left me all alone with my new friends (and some gorgeous seniors for me to admire at)!)....

Remembering you....

Duxton Road, Singapore.

Being here on a strange land where I don't feel fit in makes me feel incredibly lonely. Met new friends but still I feel empty and unhappy. I don't really enjoy it here, I can't wait to go back home where I belong.

I can't wait to see him (actually)...!

Indeed....

18 May 2008. You asked me what exactly I want from you. I did not answer, because it was indescribable, I was too devastated to find the right words.

But let me tell you now, for once and for all, "I just want to be loved by you, only you, no one else."

It is true.

Cintaku sampai ku menutup mata...
(How else must I tell you to make you understand?)

Tolonglah, cintailah aku!

You give me another heartbreak....(but I still deeply love you)....

At this most trying and difficult time, instead of trying to understand and lend me a hand, he deserted me. I am left helpless, all alone...

He has no idea how painful it is to struggle and fight with my own self. All he can see is a diseased person he must avoid, not even a single chance given to me to come back clean. He fails to understand that no trees can grow in just one night, they need water to grow and survive.

It is sad enough to know that the one you needed most in your life turned his back on you and left, leaving another wound to deal with...


- Until when you want to blame me...?
+ I will blame you forever, as long as my love is there for you (it can never die, it can only grows stronger...)

A partial of my subconscious mind....

While writing this I am slowly getting sober from "an overdose"....


Not exactly an option to chill out but I can only find this, so far, as an engine or a booster for me to "escape" (even for a few seconds) from whatever miseries that I am facing at the moment. Bad idea, I know. At this point of writing I feel like to throw up again, I lost count since this morning, indeed. Nothing came out, of course, since I have not been taking any food for the past 24 hours.


What drove me into this?


I don't really know, I can't tell for certain. All I know is I took it once "recreationally", then the rest was history. Plus with all the unfortunate things that keep on happening to me, I moved on from one type to another. I met new friends in the process, although the sincerity is still questionable given the fact that we just meet up and become friends for that particular moment when we are into it, but yet these people filled the empty spaces left by those whom I once considered as my real friends (and even my special one).


There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night, I cried (sometimes out loud) with no particular reasons. I was feeling so empty during that moment, I was afraid of the darkness and the loneliness, and I was scared to death that I might lose my mind. That was when I started to turn to substance (bad move).


I later experienced a major depression after I was again hit by a series of misfortunes, all at one time, one after another, in which I could no longer handled them on my own anymore. I lost everything, I mean everything. I thought I was strong, initially, but as time passed by it proved me wrong. As strong as I portrayed myself on the outside, my inner self was killing me rapidly that to a certain point I started to lose my faith, I lost my willing to live (attempted suicide twice), and I refused to see people as my paranoia told me that people were all laughing at me and my failure. I had no one to turn to, even my loved one turned his back on me, saying there is no one can help me but myself (which is true and I partly agreed, but all I needed from him was just a guidance and also a shoulder to cry on - that too much to ask?). I was devastated when he left (in fact I still do and in mourning mood).


I went to seek professional help. But being emotionally disturbed, the paranoia was all over me and I shortly pulled myself out thinking there is no one in this world I can trust anymore. My best friends? They simply cannot understand what I went through and what I was feeling, no matter how hard they tried to convince me that they do understand me well. I carried the blame too for I did not reveal the whole thing (well, I believe some things should remain secret though...).


I found peace and joy in substance, although I know they bring more harms than good. Certainly, this is only my "escapism" and I made a promise to myself, one fine day (soon) I will come out clean.


But at the moment, no matter what people say, it is here to remain as my best friend....

I'm back (through the grand entrance)!

I secretly told my inner self to stop writing, I thought there's nothing left in me to pour my heart out. What's the point anyway? Things would not change...

I forgot that at the very least, this is the only place I could be sincere to myself, a place where when I revisit again and again, I would be reminded of how, who, where and what I was. I do not have to worry about minding my words and thoughts. I can be in peace with myself here. This is my world (although virtual)...

So where have I gone? Too far, I guess.

In this trying time, I have been abused by nobody but me. I am still craving and wanting, with eyes wide open knowing that there's no one left to call and nowhere else to go. I was all alone, helpless, in my own paranoia that people laugh at my failure, that the world turns its back on me, and that even love hates me..!

I was dancing in the dark. Alone.

But I want this to end. I have to write, even if it is a death note. I have to feed my lonely soul. I have to live my life no matter how, come what may I need to pull through and be stronger. This is indeed my self-audit engine!

The 39th

- Do you remember?
+ Yes, I do. How can I ever forget my life, my strength?


Though we are apart, my thought always run to you. I remember you all the time, more than you could ever imagine. Believe me...


With lots of love, I wish you "Happy Birthday"!

Love seed

I am a plant, you know.
- I know. Need to be nurtured and watered.

Else I'd die.
- I will try my best to ensure that you grow healthily.

Thanks... You don't know how much you mean to me. You never will.
- I probably won't...but thanks for having me so.

See you for breakfast. I promise will be a good boy tomorrow.
- Nite kido!

I know it's late, but "Happy New Year!"

2007 was very challenging for us both. We saw less each other, we fought a lot, we care less about each other's feelings (and I caught you lying - many times - damn, it still hurts!). Towards the end, we managed to catch up good times together (which I am so eternally grateful).

I am hoping this year would be a good one, blessed with lots of love between you and me (less tantrums, of course).

I still love you (even stronger).

Dear Lessismore....

Falling in love with someone else's?

I've been with this guy for almost 4 years already. Love him deeply, no doubt. But trust me, it has never been easy. I'll never be his priority. When I need him, he won't be there. We can only go out together to places where no other people would go for a date. I really have to be strong mentally & emotionally.

Lessismore, if you still want him, expect nothing from him.

You know, we fought a lot, purely because I wanted him to be more responsible of our relationship. But he just can't, because he has the limitation. There are lots of thing he can't do for me - if I was to compare to a normal relationship. We can't go for a holiday together, we can't have dinner at KLCC or anywhere "fabulous", we can't be seen together as a couple anywhere even.

At some points I wanted to give it up and look for someone else but I can't because I know no one will love me the way he does. He can't leave me too, indeed. We both love each other so much, so we decided to keep our relationship as long as we could hold to it, we just enjoy it while we can. That's the best and sensible thing both of us can expect to.

Tantrums will always be there at anytime. If you can't reach him and make him understand how you feel, channel it to something else - put it in writing, for example. I have been doing that and unbelievably it works. I put it in this blog, he will read it at his own leisure (Hi Bubu..miss you!).

Lessismore, if you think you can handle it, go ahead. If you think you won't find someone else better than him, why not, hold to it. But the main rule is that never ever step your foot in his other relationship. When he's with you, he's all yours. But when he's not with you, you are on your own - you must be independent. Just don't limit yourself to other possibilities, remember that you must be fair to yourself too.

Don't sigh, Lessismore. You feel like a mistress, in a way yes you are. I know how you feel.

If you think he's worth your time and your precious love, hold to it. Be strong. I may not have the standard/typical relationship as my other friends might have, but I can tell you, I have never been loved deeply like this before. Loving him is the best thing that had ever happened in my life (so far)...!

Take care, Lessismore.
Merry Xmas!

p/s - Always put your feet on the ground, friend.

Dear R

Days have passed and still no sign of us
Not a hint of what used to be
When you lived in that part of me

This blinding silence lives in every room
Of what once was a happy home
Now we’re sitting here all alone

Could this be that it was all a lie
And we’re just afraid to say good-bye

Am I the only one

Re: hello XoXoX

From:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 10:56:55 AM
To:
XoXoX (xxx@hotmail.com)

Hi Xoxox!
So sorry i could not go to Lush bar last time because my friends don"t want to go there . I still remember the times we met each other and miss your face so much hihihi...you are so cute, i hope have chance to visit Malaysia in short times, so sorry my English is not good try to guess it hihihih.
Miss you!

_____________________ @--&-------- _______________________


RE: Hello John (is that your name?)‏
From:
Xoxox (xoxox@hotmail.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:26:07 PM
To:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)

Hey.....!

You can never imagine how overwhelming my feeling is when I saw your email popping up in my mailbox. I'm smiling from ear to ear while typing this...!

You know, I was getting worried that I couldn't get the chance to keep in touch with you since I lost my phone there. I thought I had the wrong email address since you did not reply, so I sent many emails to many addresses I could think of with your name on it, but all came back with "delivery failed" messages. I had this funny thinking that I might be visiting Saigon again and look for you myself. Haha...guess I'm lucky. Anyways, thank you so much for replying.

I have yet to transfer the photo we took together into my computer. I'll send it to you soon as I get it transferred, ok? By the way, I've created some "photos of us together" (like I said, I was afraid I couldn't get through you anymore, so I cropped your photos and pasted it on mine, just for the sake of remembering "I met this handsome guy in Saigon, and here's the happy moments we took together"...haha).

I'm passing you my cell phone number down here, perhaps you may want to keep it, just in case. Just don't call or sms me at the moment because I have yet to get a new phone. Hopefully it would be useful when you come down here in KL. Can't wait to take you around when you come. Looking forward to meet you again - either in KL or Saigon, or anywhere even!

Hey,are you sure you're missing me (how do you say "I miss you" in Vietnamese?)? See, I'm so excited till I forgot to ask how are you doing? Please excuse my excitement, ya. Anyway, really hope you are doing good over there. Do take care of yourself. I am so missing you! (I really do....)

Don't stop writing, ok.
Till then, cheers!

Yours truly,
Xoxox
Kuala Lumpur
+601******3

P/s: You really make my day!

Dear Nguyen John...

Hi there!

I hope I get this right to the right person. I can vaguely remember your email address, so I'm just trying my luck here.

And I hope you still remember me XoXoX from XYXYXY. We met at the Golden Smile Club in District 3, then went back to my hotel room and promised to meet up at Lush, which you didn't turn up...! :(

You still remember I saved your email address in my cell phone? Now what happened was, I dropped my cell phone in a taxi this morning on the way back to my hotel. So, it's gone.

Hit me back ASAP once you received this email, ok!

Sincerely yours,
XoXoX
Amara Hotel

p/s - You were good last night!

The Miss Saigon

That's what I am, officially....!

6th - 9th December, 2007

To whom I love....

It is during this moment that all the wrongdoings for the past one year are forgiven and forgotten in a spirit of togetherness, brotherhood and sincerity. Well, maybe not all. As negative as I might sounded, that is the reality which none of us as a normal human being could run away from. At least the scar is there to stay though the wound and hurt are gone.

Nevertheless, I am grateful that I am still here, alive and blessed with the loves of those people whose roles are very much important and very significant in my life. That I am able to return their unconditional loves although not as much as theirs, such a personal achievement that I thank God for allowing me to taste the love, granting me part of my never ending wishes into real. I have always said to close friends and myself, "salah satu nikmat dunia", that is love and being loved. I can not imagine me living without the lovely people around me.

I love my mum, no matter what. I cry for her, I pray for her, I almost did everything for her and it could never be enough for me. She may not be the flawless mother, but I know no one could ever replace her in my heart. I want to be the best for her, and sometimes I tried so hard that I hurt her unintentionally. What she has been through is totally remarkable - being left alone by her all grown up children to find their own lives, subsequently by her abusive husband who ran away with a widow about her age in the name of revenge, she stand taller and keep her head high finding a new life leaving the past behind. Sometimes I can not help myself from crying at night thinking how lonely she could be without having her children around to support her. I know she knew that our hearts are glued to hers wherever we are, no matter how far we are physically apart.

Do I love my father?
I did.
But what he did to us I could never forget and forgive. How could I forget all the bruises and blood spilled? How can I forget the pain he caused us? How can I face the world with all the mental tortures he passed on me during my growing up? I am grateful it happened though, and I have no one to thank to but him; because his leaving us means the end of suffering on my mother's part, although it took years for her to overcome the sudden loss, the shame and pain that he brought us on.

Dear, I love you so much. You are the source of my strength. Sometimes I forgot how lucky I am to have you standing beside (and also behind) me in everything I do. Doubt me never, I could never find another you.
"If I ever love again, even then nothing will change..."
For the past one year, we both know, it has been so challenging for us both, with the tantrums and all, and I know you are hurt sometimes. Maybe not as much as I did. But we mended, we pulled through it all and we survived. Leaving it all behind (and learn the lesson), I am looking forward for years of happiness with you. We may not be in the best and perfect bond, but we make the best out of it. I hope we always will.

Selamat hari raya.
Maaf zahir dan batin.

Sampai ku menutup mata...

I love you, more than you ever know, more than I should, more than anything else in this world. It is timeless, it grows stronger each day passing, it overflows in my heart I cannot find a space to fill it in anymore. The love that pulls me through when the going gets tougher and tougher, the one that I swore to myself will never be replaced ever, the one that I have always prayed to Almighty God will last to my last breathing, the one that I hope and swear will carry it with me everywhere I go even down to my grave.

That's how I love you.

No. Truth is, my love for you is indescribable. Love is too small a word to define what I feel for you. And I swear to you, it is immeasurable.

I don't know how I should tell you about what I feel.
I don't know if you could understand a bit of it, mine is too complicated to understand.

embun di pagi buta
menebarkan bau asa
detik demi detik ku hitung
inikah saat ku pergi

oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi

aku tak mudah mencintai
aku tak mudah mengaku ku cinta
aku tak mudah mengatakan
aku jatuh cinta

senandungku hanya untuk cinta
tirakatku hanya untuk engkau
tiada dusta sumpah ku cinta
sampai ku menutup mata

cintaku sampai ku menutup mata
oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi...

There were times when I cried at night alone thinking of you, of how I missed you, of how I wanted you badly with me, of how painful life is without you beside me. And last night I cried again, I called out your name hoping you will come and hug and comfort me and take me out of this misery forever.

But you didn't.

I love you damn much, but it is killing me inside...

Daisy

OST > Daisy (데이지) > Korean


01. 데이지 - 헤이

내가 그토록 원했던 사랑이 내 앞 에 있는데
아무 말도 하지 못 한 채로 바라만 보내요
낯설 기만한 이 도시 사랑을 그리며 살았죠.
데이지향 가득한 그대를 언젠가 만날 꺼라며
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데 함께할 수 없나봐요
죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데
미안해요 그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
매일 같은 시간이면 그대는 내 곁에 있었죠
바보처럼 나만 모르는 체 그댈 스쳐 보냈네요
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데
함께할 수 없나봐요 죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데 미안해요
그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
아프고 또 아파와도...떠나야 하네요



Daisy - Hey
romanization by: asn_aishiteru (also credit: aheeyah.com)

Nega gutorok woneton sarang0i ne ape inunde
Amu maldo haji motan chero baraman boneyo
Natsol gimanan idoshi sarang-ul gurimyo sarajo
Deiji(Daisy)hyang gadukan guderul onjenga manal koramyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde hamkehalsu omnabayo
Jugodo nochigin shironunde
Mianeyo gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Meil gatun shiganimyon gudenun ne gyote isojo
Babochorom naman morunun che gudel sucho boneneyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde
Hamkehalsu omnabayo jugodo nochigin shironunde mianeyo
Gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Apugoto apawado...tonaya haneyo


Daisy (데이지) > translation

01. Daisy - Hey
translation by: bangku (also credit: aheeyah.com)

In spite of all my wishes love is always in my future.
I really can't say it, but I still wish to see you.
Even though love is a strange and tricky city for me, it is where I wanted to live.
One day I will meet up with you, who are full of the scent of a Daisy
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
If you can, everyday at the same time, be next to me.
Like a fool, I pretend to steal a glance at you
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
I hurt and I am hurting.... I must go.

Back and hurt....

Yeah, it's been awhile.

A friend (perhaps someone that I knew from school is much more appropriate) died in March. The news came as a shock, I thought I saw him few months earlier at a shopping complex looking as healthy as a Greek God (during school time he was as skinny as a piece of plywood). Since that day I don't know why I suddenly stopped writing.

And so many things happened along the way. A birthday as sweet as before (only this year smeared by a heated argument which later both of us tried to forget at the soonest to enjoy the special day together - thanks for the books. Love them!), work that stole most of my time even on weekends which now I feel quite grateful otherwise I would be craving for his attention that I believe is making him sick of me, a niece who now has learned to walk and goo goo gaa gaa to his lonely uncle just celebrated her first birthday today...

I'm back in the trouble limelight again. We had a series of argument which I believe started with the issues of trustworthy and honesty. I thought it has come to its end when we no longer know how to respect each other individually and emotionally, how to fulfill the expectations that grow even higher day by day. I thought the longer the time we take to understand each other the better the relationship will become but no! It seems that we are growing apart, more confused each time passing. We talked and fixed it. It seemed to work for a few seconds only, then we just went back to the shaky affair. Did I try so hard or he was just lightly taking it to his side? I don't know.

He lied. Again. This time it hurt so bad that I swore I would never forgive him and it could never be forgotten. Extreme? Perhaps. But I have told him many many times before, I need nothing but the truth and the truth is what he should give me. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes but it is better than being told a lie only to be "enlightened" by some other people that it was nothing but a lie! The pain is even worst.

He said he was just protecting me. Unacceptable. I think he was just taking it lightly (again), it was just a reasoning to justify his action, to run away from being held responsible for the lies that he told me all the while. After all, he has been doing that since the day we first met. How could he never thought about what I would feel if I find out he was lying to me? What is there to hide?

What hurt the most is that all this while (as long as I can remember it started late last year), the time he spent with me had been lesser and lesser. From few days a week it went down to once a week and subsequently once a month. Yes he called me everyday but a call is a call, there's no human, personal touch in it. He claimed every time I voiced it out that he was busy at work, he has no time even for himself, that he has no one else but me, bla bla bla... Yet, in his extremely limited time for me, he has lots of time to spend on seeing other people......not even seeing but doing more than that!

I love him, no doubt. He is the only love of my life that I see I would keep to my last breath. I may offered him a truce. But the damage that done was so huge, forgetting even forgiving this time around is not an option for me. I have lost the trust and respect for him.

Some things must change if this relationship is to get going. He has to show some effort. Else..........

The "Futureless" ?

Thanks to you, I am so torn.
Are you happy now?

My Heart en español (as Googled)

Si amamos a alguien, podríamos ser éste fuerte?
Lucharé para ganar, nuestro amor conquistará todos
No arriesgaría mi amor, iguale apenas una noche
Nuestro amor permanecerá en mi corazón

Is the grass greener on the other side?

A friend came recently to catch up latest news with each other. He amazingly looked stunning that day that I cannot resist complimenting. Throughout these years, I have learned the art of provoking and "gold digging". Hence sheepishly in less than a second he admitted to his latest encounter, leaving no empty room of his sexciting account. Well, I don't have to be a warlock to figure out the purpose of his coming. We've been doing it all the time!

He found a guy in his late 30's; attractive, well-built, have a good and stable career, and still can perform satisfactorily. He talked a lot when doing it, touched mind-blowingly, paid every bit of attention to details, and he allegedly made this friend of mine feeling really good and confident about himself. Sounds very much of my ideal man, with a bit of exclusion on the "talked a lot when doing it".

Apparently this two supposedly early lovebirds met at a club downtown and ended up at his place "doing it". This guy claimed that he just walked out of his seven years old relationship with a much younger chap. He was away in a foreign country and upon coming home three years later, the younger chap told him that he 'needs' (not 'wants') to be single and enjoy every bit of what single life can offer him to the fullest instead of being committed to a life long relationship. So they broke off, leaving seven good years behind. As simple as that.

I was caught in disbelief. I mean, here I am, dying to have a long lasting, steady relationship with someone who really, really loves me and accept me the way I really am. But here, this young chap, having a wonderful life that belongs to just the two of them (a life which I have always dreamed of) - parting ways only to discover and experience the other life that he might think is greener on the other side. He succumbed to the force of pleasure and self-gratification, set himself free from togetherness. What is it with all these glamorous, materialistic world that overpower a person that change his life maybe forever?

Problems are everywhere (you can't run, you can't hide), you just fix them. But to cave in to glamour and material to an extent that you forgo your precious life, it is absurd. There are so many people out there who are so in need to be loved affectionately but they couldn't find it. When you have it, why must let go?

Seven years is not a short period as in seven months in which you can forget everything within seven days (I took months to recover from a seven months old relationship). It surely takes some time to let go the feeling and memories, and this poor guy is still talking about it although the partnership ended five months ago. He remembers everything, every details, every inch, every sounds, and he lives with the memory still. He was in love but he had to let go because he cannot play the part alone.

On a second thought, maybe the poor guy deserves someone better who could love him and cherish every moment together. Maybe it is me. Maybe we are meant to be together. That is, only if I were to be introduced to him, and only if he likes me.

Until then, I keep my fingers crossed.



It makes me rethink of my situation, and realise how lucky I am despite the impediments I've been through for almost three years.

Heart

I once had a heart

and it was true but

now it's gone from me to you

so take care of it

as I have done

because

now you have two

and I have none...

Happy Valentines Day!
(Though you're not here with me tonight, I know there's a place for me in your heart, always...)

February 10, 2007

I waited and waited and waited.
Nothing.

A special day that instead brought another heartache to the list.


How far must I go? How much longer must I wait?
I am human, if you can't remember...

(Happy Birthday to you!)

Leo...

Nice to see you again. After, maybe 5-6 months? You called me last time and you said you would call again to ask me out for supper. Of course you didn't call. But that's ok.

You really caught me by surprise. I mean, I didn't expect you would call the very next day after we met that night. Judging from the past, we would end up be meeting up at the unexpected places few months later and you would be with different people, of course. And we will keep on blaming each other for not having the guts to make the first move and so on. Hey, do you still remember that incident in IKEA? That was funny, huh.

You still haven't changed much personally, playful and wittyly charming. I am glad. Your new kitchen and bathroom, love it! Those, I must say, the only changes I have seen so far. And the instant noodle you cooked last night was a real kick! You are such a good cook. Haha.

I don't know what is going to happen next, but I'll just leave it to the hands of God. Same here, hope to see you again!

W H Y M E ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Story of Red Roses

I did something selfish and stupid on Saturday. But my own stupidity was an eye opener to me.

For one, I discovered the only thing that I want for myself, that I all this while have been denying all along. I could not afford to lose it anymore and I want to live and die with it.

Secondly, while packing, I found the answer to my own unanswerable question:
June 9, 2004.

"If red is love, then love it shall be."

And the red roses bloomed in my heart since...

My life, my job and the library...

I'm in the library now.

I remember still when I was in secondary school, the school library is the most sought after place to go for evening prep class. Mainly because it is air conditioned, more quiet, and when you are cold you can rub your shoulder and put your legs onto the person sitting next to you, whom normally would be ehem, your 'closest friend'. I would try at my best effort to be among the first to get into the library to reserve the best seats. Unfortunately, cruising was not in my dictionary at that time although I must say the opportunities that came were so wide opened and overwhelming. Oh, such a loss!

This is my third day working as a part time librarian here at a local college in KL, and things are going well so far. Well, the fact that there is little work to do here (almost none) besides doing some books arranging (I should have tried on flowers instead) and ‘xerox’-ing for the lecturers and students, I'm yet to face the bigger challenges; if handling the 'spoiled brat' is not part of it. Since this is a small college library with a small number of students and academic staff, obviously there's nothing much to be done. Actually, my school library is a lot better than the place i'm working now!

Not quite a good and interesting job actually, but at least I don't have to feel sorry for my pathetic life, for being alone at home after work with nothing else to do than having sex or, well, masturbating. Good goddess, whatever had happen to the days when I used to hang out with friends after work having a drink or two, window shopping, dinner, karaoke-ing, and even a short (sometimes long) trip to saunas? Where has all the cowboys gone? Am I not that happening anymore? Or have I turned myself into a lonesome, attention-craving person? Or even a sex maniac? Urrgghhh!

Something is totally wrong with me and I am already 23 (no kidding)!

Fact is, I need the extra money. My expenses are rocketing higher and higher but my pay is getting lesser and lesser. My buying power as well as my pocket is shrinking. I’m going to die as a penniless person if not a bankrupt! I might have to walk from one place to another on bare feet for not having the money to buy petrol for my car or even for the bus fare. I could be seen as one of those skeleton junkies roaming on the back lane searching for leftovers in the garbage bin. I could be thrown out of my house as I cannot afford to pay the rental. My still under construction house would be auctioned off for not meeting the monthly mortgage plan. I would end up being a beggar on the street like the one I saw many years ago while dining at the stalls in Bangsar with my now distant friends (well, at least he can afford to buy the 1901 hotdog by begging for living!). And I might not have money left for my sister to hold prayer for my lost soul, or even for the batu nisan on my grave! Thank god we don't have to pay for a piece of land to be buried...

Oh my goddess, is that me?!

You see, this is the result of having too much time for my own self thinking about rubbish and day dreaming about nothing until it kills the common sense in me. I might be presented with a simple ‘A’, but I will go deeper wondering if it is an 'a' or ‘A’, what color, type of font, size, Italic, bold, the origin, why A not B, and so the list goes. Silly, eh?

Well, maybe I should work and stay longer in the library and get my head brushed up. After all, I can use the Net at no cost.
Wise, no?

Triangle Love (from LPG-community....)

Dear friends.. Good to hear all this situation.

Love is just a matter of something and how you look at it. I am just wondering, would it be nice if I can love few persons in one time. But just then I realize. sometimes I am just too sellfish of doing all this loving 2 person in the same time. May i rather love them as friends more than any others.. I rather be a slut cause I still cannot commit. What is fate? I dun know.. when i take them as friends.. I care them more then lover.. I enjoy being with them more than lover~~~~ So what so important of being lover.. this and that..

Dear Darling.. I have to say if u say i am rude.. u are just wanting them for sex, not love.. u wish to be so selfish enuff... to hold them to you. Try to take one of them as friends rather than lover or this that..... I think things works more than any...remember all this... if u dun take triangle love seriously ALL PARTIES HURT

Did you ever know you need to move but are afraid to?

I do. In fact, I've been there. Today.

I knew then I should leave, but I couldn't (or so I thought). I was stuck in the comfort zone, being with someone I knew (even if it wasn't too great). I was scared of being alone and didn't begin to know how to "date". Eventually I realized facing those fears would be a lot better than being in a relationship that was making me miserable.

It would be nice if we could just walk away when we don't feel happy anymore, and when we know we should - but some of us never leave that easy for some reason. It generally takes something big for us to realize it's time to say good bye (or getting tired of the same old thing and realizing it's never gonna change).

But the truth is - once we figure out there's life out there, and we go and find it - It may be a little tough and maybe a little lonely at first, but it is SO much better, and the mind, body and soul feels SO much better.

I think I am in the "Sick and tired of being sick and tired " mode. I'm almost there... Just realize I can do it on my own, and I owe myself the chance to be happy.

I just need to be strong.

Woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

Dear dad....

You are here, but you have found your own way.

On this day, I wish you nothing but happiness.
May you find what you are looking for...

54

Love = Oxygen

You get too high when you get too much, you will die if you don't get enough.

(I heard that pride always comes before a fall.)

Very well then, I'm dying.

The highway, the pariah and the road user....

My journey going back to my hometown last Saturday through the North-South Highway was not a joyride at all, despite the excitement that I had in me to see my new born niece. The fact that I left Ampang at 5pm made it worst as I had to drive like a hurricane to be at my mother's home just in time to break fast with her. Poor time management, I must say. And, wisely thought a bad idea, it was not a smooth ride heading to Seremban as I was trapped in almost one hour bumper to bumper crawling traffic as upgrading works were in place.

Man, I was so damn pissed off! I mean, it has been speculated for weeks and later confirmed by the pariah (execuse me for my language) that for next year the toll rate is going to be increased and man, look what sort of bad traffic condition they provide to the highway users! Shouldn't the pariah and Government consider the fact that every single thing in this country particularly and the whole world generally has been rising while the condition of their subject matters has been declining from one day to the next? And why on earth, at this very moment must they do the repairing works? Why do they have to constantly upgrading the highway and pass the bill to the users with increment every now and then? Why can't they do it right at the very first time? Why do they have to make my life particularly and the other highway users generally, difficult?

I, for one, am so tired with all these stupid reasons by the (ir)responsible, cocky, greedy pariah that the rise would take into account the hardship the people is going through right now and that the Government cannot afford to compensate the highway concession firm if we were to opt for not having a toll rate rise. What a lame reason! I mean, the same reasons have been used over and over again to rationalize the hike. Being the so-called powerful government,I am very much fascinated that it is powerless when it comes to this one particular matter. Why can't the Government use its power to review the agreement with the firm? It makes me wonder which party does the Government represents; the people's or the private entity's interests?

The main reason why we use the highway is for the convenience - time saving, smooth, jamless traffic. So we don't mind to pay. But why must we pay if we caught up in the crawling traffic? That is so irritating! And here, I have yet to touch on the federal roads, which is even worst! People from the remote part of Negri (which I came from) have been waiting forever to get a proper route instead of the winding, narrow road along Bukit Putus.

So, as the result, I reached my mother's home 10 minutes after Maghrib, feeling so stressful. A supposed to be an hour and a half journey ended up as two and a half hour stressful, mad affair!

Must I share my experience heading back to KL later on Sunday....?

Close my eyes

Now, if I close my eyes and take a moment and drift away, I can almost feel your lips against mine.

But now it's just too late. I can't reach you, we've drifted out too far. I don't know where has love gone or how we might have saved it, but all I know is it has gone.

It's time that we moved on, because it's too late.

That night (Sept 23)...

I saw you at the party. You were so warm but I was so cold. I secretly wished you wouldn't say 'hi' to me but you did.

"Nice to see you again, after such a long time."

-Yeah, whatever!-

You are my miracle....

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open..wide open

October 5, 2006

All I want is to be free....

All this while in my whole life I have been following signs on many routes, trying to find what is right and do what I have been told. But sometimes the line is crossed and I can never go back home. I am always on the go, been here and there looking for something more for me to call my own. But up to this moment I have found that life was cold as a whole, I have never belonged. I want to show to the rest of the world that I'm alive, to be free because a new day is dawning, and to live my life without worries and warning. I really want to know and see what it is like on the other side. I only want to be me; I am not what I am not; I don't need people to say I need changes.

I have been through a lot. Now it is time for me to search what love is all about for real, and all that I have lived without.

I am a sturdy tree

I have seen a thousand seasons, still shed my leaves in winter. Come spring I grow them back, to welcome life again, to welcome new love.

When the day that's gray and lonely I just stick out my chin and smile. Come what may,the sun will come out tomorrow.

What a journey it has been. So goes my life.

As The End Draws Near

Into the valleys
The shadow of death griefs silently across the darkened sea
This is it, we stand alone

We can see it all from here
The starless night across the mountain side
No one left to talk to, there's nothing left to say

You and me
We stand alone
We can see it all from here
Stretched far and wide

The barren skies fighting a silence from deep inside

Underneath this skin you will find someone else...

I walk into that cloud again, watching my moon and blue sun slip away. The sky has fallen on my yesterday and I have once again lost myself. The table has turned on the game I play and this poor little man has lost his way today.

With the hollow, all this time it's breaking me and taken it's toll on me. I'm sorry that all I have got is just not enough to keep me satisfied. No matter how we try to keep it tied, this knot has come undone.

But starting today I'm not going to worry about yesterday and tomorrow, I'm not going to waste another moment. I'll wash away all these tears that's left me feeling blue. The moments of truth unfold in the meaning of love. And now that the war is over, I feel like I'm coming home again.

"Oh well, I got nothing left to sell
This love was a bell that rang unheard in the air
I was bound to find out that you didn't care
Oh well, sometimes it be that way"

There goes my heart again

I look at myself in the mirror, where do I belong? Yearning for the seemingly impossible, that space inside remains empty still. Try as I may I still have not found what I'm looking and wishing for.

When we first met, you told me exactly how it would be that you couldn't spend all your time with me. But as the time went by I started feeling strange, something that was deep in my heart, something I can't explain. I cried, you weren't there when I needed you just to feel your touch. Time after time, how many times do I have to give in? I could not afford another breakdown.

"Swept me away but now I'm lost in the dark
Set me on fire but now I'm left with a spark"

I'm through thinking of things to say to you. I've said enough and so have you. I'm lost inside the paradise, I must have been all alone in love.
I've lost hope, and I'm giving up.
Now I've realized that I've got to move on.
It might be hard, but I got to move on...

None

Take with you all our memories
Forget all about the berries and cherries
There is nothing more to cherish
Because you left me in anguish

I am now so much stronger
When you look at me
I am now so much better
You will think of me

And I thought you love me more than you do....

Saying I love you is like jumping into a hot soup! It's a curse!

Once you utter the magic words, you literally set a boundary between you and them, leaving them in the comfort zone while exposing yourself to the danger of insecurities. It's better left unsaid, for people tend to take you for granted once you tell them that you love them. You'll burn yourself when your basic needs couldn't be met, and you'll get frustrated. You talk, you let them know what you feel but they just don't want to listen to your needs. They expect you to fully comprehend, but they refuse to see what you see. They would rather keep you with them, fully aware of their inability to attend to your needs, leaving you feeling hurt and desperate and wanting. You beg for love, for attention and passion but still they refuse to give and hurt you more. Where are you heading to? Nowhere. So what's the point of going through that over and over again just to be hurt?

I'm tired of waiting, I swear. I refuse to go back to that phase. I refuse to be treated like a beggar. I refuse to be a love pariah. No more!
So that's the end of it.

As the sun goes down, another love story ends.