Daydream....

What if I could go back and be Hatshepsut? Here's a list (but not least):

1. change the name to Zhariz Azra (forever & ever)
2. eliminate Tuthmosis III & other possible/suspected enemies
3. build a small palace like Travolta's home minus the runway on a hill facing the sea complete with a Mediterranean-styled garden
4. preserve all existing monuments & temples but ban any sorts of worshiping activities; turn them into museums, theaters, hotels & last but not least, a huge library
5. build fully-furnished housing complex around the kingdom for all of my subjects, except the Jews (they will be made slaves)
6. build a fort city named Fort of Azra occupied by good looking men only, in which I own each and every one of them
7. oh, I forgot... I'm going to turn the existing temples into an exclusive all-male night club & a Roman-styled bath house
8. recruit only good looking & macho male escorts & slaves
9. party all day and night with my good looking & macho male escorts
10. pray hard so that I would not get murdered by my good looking & macho male escorts (well, you know...out of jealousy, craving for power, etc.)

Haha...isn't it nice to daydream after watching National Geographic?

To my ever-loved Debbie, Happy 30th Birthday!

It's just another rambling...

While typing this my hands are shaking and the veins visibly green on my now yellowish skin (that will last for one or two hours). I am my own enemy!

I must congratulate myself, that for the first time ever since I went seriously ill last March I had my attendance to work for this particular week full and most importantly, productive. Except for diarrhea being effect of the medicine I took on Wednesday that forced me to coming in late to work (almost at noon - with permission from my boss), the rest of the days were business as usual.

After months of cover up, the news of my illness finally reached the HQ that caused a surprising stir; rumors were passed on and my mailbox was full with "sorry to hear", "be strong" & "get well soon" e-mails, even from the people I have never met & dealt with. CEO & GM extended their support "in this trying time" via e-mails full of advises and positive messages. A personnel from Quality Unit came down to the branch to visit when I came back to work and offered personal help whenever needed. Singh, the messenger offered healing recipe and his prayer. A prominent UMNO figure who always come to me for facilities, even offered his personal doctor for me to attend to but I politely declined (because I knew it is going to be sky high pricey!).

I was so touched (though earlier on was a little furious with my boss for leaking the news to almost everyone she knew- I have specifically told her on the day I broke the finding last January that it shall remain unknown to everybody, including my immediate family members. Despite being told so, without me knowing she contacted my mother & sister, causing unnecessary panic and tension among the two).

For now, it is business as usual at the branch. Boss still acting bossy and sometimes motherly. Piles of files still waiting to be worked on on my desk. People keep on coming in requesting and inquiring about loads of thing, but most of the time these people can be so irritating especially when I was not feeling well or extremely fatigued. I hope I can write about these people one day.

Meanwhile, good days ahead, everybody!

Bolt of lightning couldn't hit me harder...

It suddenly struck into my head.

What if I have a disfigured face after this?
What would I do then?

UNTHINKABLE (tak tercapai dek akal)

I cried (tak pasal-pasal)...

(Second best thinkable title: On suddenly being ridiculous & emotional...)

What next...?

After a strangely long and sleepless night, I woke up this morning with high fever, heavy chest, dizziness and fatigued. The abdominal pain has gone (thank God), so I suspect these are the effects of the three overdosed injections I received yesterday.

Oh, how I hate getting jabbed!

I cringed in a sudden pain in my left abdomen this morning. Only the third overdosed jab finally eased the pain and put me into a long, deep sleep. I was lucky th0ugh that I did not faint while walking to the radiology department, considering how strong the third jab was. Three times within two hours for a jab-hater! They can practically send me to hell right away.

When I woke up the pain has gone (but the doctor said it sure will be back within 9-10 hours after the last jab). Right now my mouth is dry and I have temporarily lost my tastebud, makes me refuse to eat because everything I took in tasted extremely bitter even the plain water. The med would cause me throw ups, so I am not really sure what shall I vomit when the time comes. Funny!

But I will grow tired, for sure. Back to square one. Wallahualam...

In this pain...

Oh dear Lord the Almighty...

You know the road I have taken is winding. I willfully made the choice to go this path against Yours that eventually led me to this desperate, horrifying gridlock situation. And now that I am at total lost I have no one else to turn to but You.

Embrace me, oh the Merciful, as I resort my soul, my everything to You and please never let me down; for only You have the answers to all the secrets and questions, for only You have the cure to all of my anguishes and sufferings, for only Your light could lead me out of this darkness and despair.

Lo! Allah is Powerful, it seems to me all the doors are locked and I am standing outside here all alone. There is only one door left for me, so here I am knocking on Your door pleading Your merciful and let me enter. You are my only hope, so please... please Lord, do not close Your door and walk away from me...

Mayday! Mayday!

Life in turbulence.


Can it be saved?
(Perhaps it shouldn't)

Out of reach....

This is my place. I have been here since day one I was brought in. This corner is mine, a corner where I could only glance out through the window that fenced me from the world outside; motionless in my own disability.

Comes the sun its light shines upon me, warms me up and slowly fades the color of my skin.
Come the rain, I could only hope that the window would protect me from soaking wet; afraid that my incomplete form would melt in the course of time from the pollution-tainted rain.

I knew why I am here, brought in from the place where I was sold; though in my imperfect form but somehow attractive to some people that they wanted to own me at whatever cost. But I am only an object of display, nothing more; that is what I am to them.

Makes me wonder, was I ever been loved? If I ever was, why then I was being sold from one to another? I am so confused, and my heart is badly ached. They had me, but strangely they never gave their hearts and they put a distance to my existence. I was so sad, and still am.

But this morning as the sun rises, from this very spot in my small world I can see there is a light out there for me.

Only time would tell...

After days of waiting, only late yesterday I received the tests' result, and everything seemed not quite well/right. I went speechless, I wanted to; and I forced myself to cry but there was not a single tear came out. Then I asked myself, for what? There's nothing I could do about it, so why bother to cry? This is my destiny; accept it and move on. If happen that I die today or tomorrow, then be it. I guess I have lost the willingness to live and try.

Another scanning to go today (I don't quite understand why I agreed to undergo this anymore), I arrived here early as scheduled only to be told that I have to be fasting first before we could proceed with the next procedure. So now I am stuck in the waiting room as the result of their forgetfulness (aren't they supposed to remember everything since this is their everyday, routine job? How could they forget?).

Alone in this room, I looked at the photos that I have posted everywhere in the cyber space. How different I used to be, how well I looked, how happy I was. Just whatever had happened to me? Everything seemed to be taken off in a blink of the eyes. Where did I go wrong? Why did I allow all these to happen to me? Why did I hurt myself? Why did I...

Arez posted lots of our photos in his blog. Looking at those photos, I know there lies one of the happiest moments of my life; so how could I be so damn selfish and unfair to them both - letting go the beauty and future of our friendships by being ill and stop having the willingness to continue living.

In search of the strength to carry on, I sometimes found myself drowning too deep but I don't want to save myself...

Daun yang kuning layu...

Telah kusiram pohon ini dan kujaga sebaiknya, namun tetap sehelai daunnya layu.

Aku tertanya-tanya, di mana silapnya?

Hari ini peluang terbuka seluas-luasnya untuk aku berfikir sendirian. Sedang duduk memerhati daun yang layu kekuningan, terlintas di benak yang selalunya degil tak mahu mendengar kata logik; bahawa sebaik mana sekali pun aku menjaganya, hukum alam takkan sekali-kali dapat diubah untuk mengikut kemahuanku malah sesiapa pun. Tiba masanya, ia tetap akan layu dan mati.

Teringat seketika pada sebuah madah pujangga lewat musim yang lalu. Pernah aku ibaratkan kasih yang tertanam dalam hati ini sebagai pohon hijau yang perlu dijaga dan disiram sebaiknya; kalau tidak, layu dan matilah ia.

Tiba-tiba perasaan sayu menggodam hati. Betullah kata orang, setiap sesuatu yang bermula pasti ada penghujung/penamatnya. Itulah lumrah hidup. Aku yang terlupa, leka mungkin.

Membuatku terfikir lebih jauh mendalam. Bilakah masa untukku akan tiba? Sudah bersediakah aku?

Real story: Drama is powerful than pain killer....

Spending the whole day and night in bed over the past one week has given me the opportunity to watch never-seen-before TV programs on Astro. Besides my personal sexual interests in bananas, I couldn't help but feel amazed at how well-formed and high-quality the Korean dramas are. Sometimes I feel that they even surpassed the Western standard in drama production, as they are so well-written, rich in culture of their own, and presented in a way that made me think Koreans are strong with family values.

Put the language barrier aside (fret not, the English translation is provided), I could simply blend myself into the story and being a hopeless romantic I am, shed my tears over some touching scenes (an emperor was dying and during his final moment pledged his endless love to his empress and hoped to see her much sooner in their afterlives, which he had never done it before to any of his wives; and he was dead before his only heir to the throne - still a baby, was brought in to his bed chamber; to which the empress cried... so did I).

Also, there was a moment in which a radio personnel broke up with her boyfriend (on a secret request to the stupid guy by her own father) and they had to discuss about separation issue on air together. As the guy read his part from the script, "Why must we meet, share the laughter, pull the ship together, when at the end of the day we have to say goodbye? Why must goodbye be a word so cheap to be uttered? Is love too cheap to be found too?", I again shed my tears, I felt the pain, lost and sadness in their eyes. Too strong they portrayed it that I forgot I was only watching a drama.

I also couldn't help to laugh out loud to the funny and hilarious My Dad Loves Trouble. It pulled my mind away from the pain and miserable life that I am going through. I love the colors, the mountains, the rivers, the people, of course, the houses, and the list goes endlessly.

Oh, I also watched how Rain made it to a successful singing/dancing/acting career, and cried when I learned that his mother died before he launched his debut album. The scene where he bowed few times at her mother's remain was the peak of the peak of my emotional side, I just couldn't stop crying!

I must confess though, that my only motivation in watching the Korean channel is actually the cute actors. However, let me get it straight here, after some time watching, I realized that it is the show itself that made me stick and crave for more. The gorgeous people featured in the show is now only a bonus to me. I guess, that has made me a human...

Here's a short list of my favorite, worth watching Korean dramas:

1) The Iron Empress - period, love 'em!
2) Emperor of the Sea - period, now playing
3) My Dad Loves Trouble - period, suddenly out of the program list. Damn!
4) Boys Over Flowers - present day, very teeny weeny, now playing

A mysterious photographer...

I met him a couple of weeks ago. We became friends since, and I instantly become a weekly guest to his modest but gorgeous apartment in town.

Last week he showed me his works of art from around the world, places he went that no ordinary people would go (or rather have no chance to go). I was deeply amazed, they were so fantastic and beyond words. Only selected few had been given the chance to see his works, so he told me.

I suddenly asked myself, who actually is this guy? It couldn't be that he is an ordinary someone - judging from his works; yet he is too ordinary to me to be seen as extra-ordinary (from the tales he told, the people he mingles with, he has to be someone quite "known").

He whispered to my ear last week, of how wonderful it would be if we just lay on the beach, the ocean sing us a soft and soothing song, while our naked bodies are covered by the scattered stars in the sky, cuddling each other like we were the last lovers underneath the full, bright moon...

For a moment I forgotten that love lies. Pedulikan! I just want to enjoy this feeling; though mysterious he has been to me, he showered me with the love I have been missing all these while.


+ Sorry, I didn't get your name yet.
- It's Johan. And you?
+ Zhariz. Nice meeting you.

Do you ever realize.....

...that it is so true that letting go is the toughest thing to do?
That whenever you thought that you are okay was the moment that you are actually at your lowest end?

Do you ever realize that most of the time you:
1) blame yourself,
2) are unsure of what is going to happen next,
3) are so scared that you might fall again,
4) etc., etc., etc.?

Do you ever realize that forgiving yourself is the very first step to move on in your very own life?

I do realize all that; I did all that and then did nothing about it.
I am now learning to walk with my head up high (whilst not forgetting the green grass I am stepping my foot on).

Today I learned from someone (distant but close) that it took her more than 20 years to forgive herself and start a new life all over again with current baggage she is carrying. I was stunned. Should I wait for another 20 years to realize my own (favorite) mistakes and start all over again?

But I can not deny (and lie) that I am in love, so deep (and I could not [and do not want to] get myself out of it)...

(Apa yang aku merepek ni....?)
-the result of staying awake all night and think of the "shouldnthinkable"-

It's a new beginning (again)...

Thank God...

Everything turned to be fine (for the moment, at least).

Well-wishers, thank you for your thoughts & prayers. Will make a "special appearance soonest", I hope.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

On a strange land again.
I'm sick, tired, and fed up. I just wanna go home and come back next time with a better 'entourage'.

Till then, sorry I would not trust anyone anymore.

Sometimes my heart goes numb...(2)

How did I allow myself to forget that time does run fast...?

It was already expected when he conveyed me the bad news this morning (and by now there is nothing in this world surprises me anymore), but somehow I being so used to living in denial all these years, still felt extremely 'betrayed' and brokenhearted. I know the day like this will come sooner or later, whether I want it or not, as it is just a matter of time. And today it finally crossed its way into mine (surprise, surprise!). Guess my next step is to prepare for the next possibility, on whether I'm going to survive or succumb to it.

Im & Rez, thank you loads for the much needed time you both provided me today. It was such a relief...really!


"Walking Away"

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

sometimes some people get me wrong
when it's something I've said or done
sometimes you feel there is no fun
that's why you turn and run
but now I truly realise
some people don't wanna compromise
well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
and well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady

Well I'm so tired baby
things you say you're driving me away
whispers in the powder room baby
don't listen to the games they play
girl I thought you'd realise
I'm not like them other guys
coz I saw them with my own eyes
you should've been more wise
and well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady

Demi belas kasihMu....

Sakit itu rahmat. Sengaja diuji Tuhan, moga-moga disucikanNya segala dosa yang lalu.

Lalu kalau inilah rahmat dan belas kasih sayangMu untuk diriku, maka redhalah aku dengan ujianMu yang berat ini. Moga-moga tak Kau gelapkan pandanganku selama Engkau izinkan aku menggagahi diri dalam melawannya.

Aku bukan orang yang kuat. Tetapi bukan pula aku cepat sangat berputus asa. Ah...Kau yang lebih tahu.

Dalam saat-saat getir ini aku sendirian, aku tak punya sesiapa pun wahai Tuhan. Maka itu Kau bantulah aku, berilah aku kekuatan. Hadirlah Engkau di setiap saat nafas yang Kau izinkan aku hela (agar perasaan yang menggila ini pergi jauh-jauh).

Andai ini penghujungnya? Tutuplah mataku bila lengkap sudah kasih sayangMu. Putuskan nafasku bila telah yakin Engkau akan diriku. Kalau belum, jangan. Itu rayuanku. (Bukankah Engkau Tuhan yang Maha Pemurah?)

Detik ini, demi belas kasihMu untuk diriku, gugurkanlah seksaanMu yang ini. Aku takut tak tertanggung, ya Tuhan. Kasihanilah aku....

(Sakit juga memberi peluang untuk melihat di mana letaknya diri ini. Tak bertempat rupa-rupanya aku ini....)
Tuhan, mungkin ada baiknya kalau Engkau kurniakan aku amnesia....tak tinggal walau secebis pun ingatan yang selalu melukakan. Amin.

P A I N

...jauhilah aku...

(janji takkan datang lagi)

Oh what a fool I am...

That was just a plain old fantasy.

I've been used and fooled again. When will ever I learn?

Duhai tetamu Allah....

Untuk apa jua, hanya kemaafan yang aku pohon darimu.

Tenanglah, tiada apa lagi yang aku tahankan. Mana mungkin, semuanya untuk bahagiamu.

Nevertheless, thank you loads. Be known that you are deeply appreciated. And deeply missed too (beyond words).

(Love - hush....)

Dan bunga-bunga pun gugur berserakan.....

Today I watched that stupid 80's movie "Suara Kekasih" and I cried inside (because my mother was also watching right next to me).

Damn, I felt like an idiot!

Back to where I belong....

I feel safe (but not so good though) now.

Still throwing up but feeling a little okay than this afternoon. Changed my mind not to check-in to hospital, so I packed my stuff and drove back to KP straight away. In my mind, if I was to die, let me die in my mother's arm.

Usually it takes me almost one and a half hour to reach home but today, I set the record of 4 hours. Had to pull over and do away with the vomiting business.

Forget about work tomorrow. I need to rest (in peace).

I am ill...

Went to work this morning only to inform my boss how ill I am. While in her room, I threw up. Sorry, boss!

I could not stand the pain any longer, so I went home right away. I took some aspirins, tried to sleep but every 3 minutes or so, I threw up again. Up till now.

I am sick, and I am so exhausted from the vomiting. All these pain and vomitings reminded me of the late Zamri.

I really have no idea of how my body system works now. (There's no one around now) I am scared, what if...

Ni hao, Beijing?

Off to KLIA by 9 a.m, I was so kelam kabut taking the LRT then ERL yesterday morning; the result of last minute packing and also SOS text to my brother asking him to lend me his high resolution, canggih camera. I am not really a last minute person when it comes to travelling, but since I was not looking forward for this one trip, I took my own sweet time which later turned out to be absolute chaotic.

Anyway, on the ERL, I saw and sat opposite (not directly, I hid behind a seat) someone whom I knew from somewhere. I have his number but it was not vice versa. Lucky that he didn't see me, I set my mobile on silent mode and sent him a sms " Fuad, tie up your shoe lace!" He was so gelabah, looked around, tied up his shoe lace and replied "Done. Thanks. Who's there anyway?" I smiled alone (I was in fact alone) reading it but decided not to reply. He kept on sending "Who's there? Please, tell me your name, don't do this to me...". Then he sent me, "Is that you, wearing white T and blue jeans, reading a book?" Oooppsss, kantoi! Still I did not reply. But then he sent another sms, "If that is you, well, you're kinda cute!" I ignored him right away. He disembarked at Putrajaya. Before leaving the train he looked at me and I gave him a "what??" look. Well, that was that.

I boarded Cathay Pacific. The flight to Hong Kong was smooth (thank God) although it was cold there when I arrived. Less than 2 hours transit actually left me no time to wandering around. But the next time when people ask I can tell them that "Hey, I've been in Hong Kong (International Airport only)!" Heard that it was easy to get porn magazines there, but maybe later.

The next 3 hours journey to Beijing was a drama of air turbulance and I swear it was damn scary. All the way everyone was screaming to the top (including me), some even cried (excluding me). I was so scared to death that we might explode, plunge into the sea, on the desert, or even skid while landing. 3 Chinese girls sitting right behind me threw up and the whole cabin was smelly with, well, yeah, of course! I swear will never board Dragon Air (China's version of Air Asia) ever again! I think it was because of the name itself, that only selected ones can carry "dragon". Keramat, as they say and believe. However, the steward who dropped the hot meal on my lap was cute and I now would love to believe that he indeed did it on purpose, not by accident (plane tak bergoncang pun masa tu, ya...!).

Touched down almost 10 minutes to midnight, Beijing Capital International Airport was opened right on time for the Olympic 2008, so it was of course new, clean and beautiful inside out. Setting my feet on its land for the first time, Beijing was so damn cold and windy. Anyways, I couldn't be bothered (yet) with the weather, since the flight was a scary and terrible one, and I was extremely exhausted. Off to hotel, no shower and all, I immediately rested my head on the pillow and at no time fell asleep right away.

To mak, Happy Birthday! I love you more than anything, anyone.

From Beijing with love.

I just died in your arms tonight...

Matthew Heller

Autumn (Habitually Chic)....

Why did summer go so quickly
Was it something that I said
Lovers walking along the shore
Leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand
Pictures hanging in a hallway
And a fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Windmills of Your Mind

That dawn I became incredibly emotional....

Debbie, Ron, Imran & Arez....



...for being there...

p/s - Deb, forget not, you must be there till the very last sermon.

It's ok, that is life after all...

As much as I wanted to engrave this in my troubled mind, I still can't get over the pain, the sorrow that I myself allowed to drown into. Or worst, I refuse to get over it and move on. Yeah,there's a truth in it. Denying the truth and refuse to accept the reality,that things change, people change. Hearts do too.

Am I supposed to pretend that I don't feel the pain? When will I be free from this sorrow?

Maybe one day I will fall in love again,
but for now I'll just leave my heart in two...

A lonely silhouette dancing beneath the stars....

To'cha mai geti...

I live in the present, worry not about tomorrow.
Launch myself on every wave, try to find eternity in every moment.

But still I failed.

Aiyo...tekanan betullah!
Gi mandi bungalah hari ni!

Home Sweet Home - Part 2: Masculinity - the future bedroom?

I went to a home decor exhibition about 2 months ago (actually it was part of my stress therapy accompanied by my good friend Roni) and accidentally found a wallpaper which exactly matches the one that I had in my mind for ages.

Dying-ly, I have been wanting at least one wooden wall in my house, and I actually have planned to fix very dark brown laminated flooring on my bedroom wall to achieve that sense of masculinity (as shown, cantik tak?).

So, I paid RM50 as a deposit for the package, which I learned later from the salesgirl, would cost me about RM700 for a 10' x 12' wall including labor fee. I am not sure on whether wallpaper is much cheaper than laminated flooring to fix a wall, but all I know is I need another RM800 to buy a new queen-sized mattress and an unknown sum of money to build a platform to achieve the look I have been dreaming of.

Alah...! Looks like I have to cut down my expenses on "designer stuff"...! Bencilah!


Photo taken from Apartment Therapy.
(nama very the ironic!)

Home Sweet Home - Part 1: It's so Carrie (well,not quite)...!

Love it! I must have that bookshelf in my house soon (fingers crossed). I do think it carries Carrie's Manhattan old apartment look - cozy, spontaneous, casual, and quite fun too.

While she had a bench to complete the look, I might opt for the armchair as shown. If I can get the same armchair (for free hopefully, else I expect to find one in a junk store), I would repaint its frame shiny black and re-upholster with bold, funky fabric, to give it more pop, over-the-top new look.

That, if I can save the apartment...
(Bastard!)


Anyway, thanks to Nicole Balch (makingitlovely.com) for the inspiration.

Mengapa harus terjadi....

Mengapa semua ini harus terjadi
Di saat ku teguh pada pendirian
Menghabiskan sisa hidup denganmu
Kau tak lagi yang kuingin bersamaku selamanya...kasih

Tuhan tolong aku
Untuk dapat memahami derita batinku ini
Tuhan bantu aku
Agar sanggup kurelakan bila dia bukan untukku

Segenap rencana denganmu kekasih
Tak mungkin terjadi tanpa kehangatanmu
Kini bagai orang asing di hidupku
Tiada lagi sapa rindu kurasa darimu...kasih

(Bencilah....!)

Pulanglah....

Termenung ku sendiri
Memendam rindu tidak menentu
Kasih suci murni yang kita bina
Hapus hancur oleh kata fitnah

Di pagi hari raya
Hati sayu mengenang dirimu
Mudahnya kau menggantikan diriku
Seolah cintaku tak berharga

Apakah suratan, aidil fitri suatu titik akhir
Sekian lama bercinta, kau tiada di hari mulia

Keampunan ku pohon
Sekiranya aku yang berdosa
Pulanglah ku merinduimu sayang
Ku menanti dengan hati rela

Pulanglah kumerinduimu sayang
Ku menanti dengan jiwa raga

Pulanglah ke pangkuanku oh sayang
Ku menunggumu di hari raya...

Damn it!

Why did you have to be a heartbreaker,
when I was be-ing what you want me to be...


(Nothing's left for you but hate and deepest regret - and that's the truth!)

W Mag

Pyan...in memory (September 25, 2008)

I will always remember him as someone young, energetic, fun and definitely fabulous.
Unfortunately, he left us all behind, his beloved friends & family, too soon.

Nevertheless, I thank him for being part of our lives, whether he was a reason, a season or a lifetime. May he rest in peace, knowing that he left so many wonderful memories in each and everyone of us. His joy and laughter will always be remembered.

He was a fighter till the end.

Dear God, thank you for blessing us with a dear & lovely friend Suffian. Now that You have taken him away, bless his soul and let him rest in peace. It was a tough farewell, but You gave him the honor to surrender in Your arm in the holy month of Ramadhan.

"Aku sayang kau, Zam. Aku sayang semua kawan-kawan aku."
Hey, kenapa cakap macam tu pulak? Tak baik...
"Aku takut tak sempat nak cakap."
Be strong, okay. You must fight. Get well soon. Nanti kita boleh pergi holiday sama-sama lagi. Janji tau!
"Insya-Allah, kalau ada umur."

(And the love of The Almighty is much, much greater than us all...)

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Pyan was diagnosed with colon cancer stage 3, not long after we came back from holiday in Jogjakarta last February. He immediately went for surgery and followed by chemotherapy, which unfortunately his body had rejected. Meanwhile, the cancer had spread rapidly, but he did not give up hope. While being treated in Mount Elizabeth Hospital, Singapore, he collapsed in the bathroom, went into coma and never regain conscious until his last breath. He was laid in Tanah Perkuburan Ibukota, Gombak.

(And I secretly wished it was me....)

Bury me deep, I'm dead....

I am so done with crying, there's no more tears left to shed as I am led closer to the day my life as a rightful human being will be taken away.

I did mistakes. Some are still repeated (those are my favorite mistakes), some are learned, but there's one or two deeply regretted. For that I am now about to lose my rights, dignity and everything I have worked for.

Standing among peers and others, I am the most unfortunate lot. In every sense. I learned my lessons through a different and hardest way. My life has been a winding, bumpy road in every possible ways even when I thought I was doing okay.

I now no longer know how to be grateful that I am still here living and breathing when I am denied every rights as a person. At times when I sunk low and deep, I wished nothing but death to come upon me. It was too great (the urge), to end me indefinitely - to let the world finally know I was here, lived unhappily, and left as a complete loser.

It is at such a difficult time like this that we will know who's who. Fun is shared, hard time is spared. Wearing this hat, I now know who my real friends are. True friends are indeed rare. Even love has long gone, I have stopped believing.

"Look, we were just fucking. How about giving me a chance to breathe?"
Okay, I get it.

Too high the price that I have to pay for this mistake. I can't afford, I'm too exhausted to fight. I have totally gave up my life. Take whatever you want from me, for I have no wish to breathe.

There's no me anymore. I'm officially gone.

My best birthday gift ever....

Ten days ago, I celebrated my 29th birthday.

Correction, I reached the age of exactly 29 but no celebration whatsoever, just a few sms wishing me "Happy Birthday" from a small lots whom I consider as my best buddies. At least they didn't forget that not-so-important date in their lives. Thanks a lot, you happy lots!

I didn't get anything for my 29th birthday. To say I didn't expect anything on my big day is a lie, and it is also a lie to say that I did not feel disappointed when I got nothing this year. Also, it was a huge disappointment when those people you thought you are closed to did not remember at all!

But the best birthday gift I have ever had in my whole life is the presence of someone whom I would never find another ever. Though I later felt sorry and disappointed (with myself) because I missed the big breakfast I was supposed to have with him on that very morning (I left my phone in the car the night before and his calls went definitely unanswered, stupid me!!), the few minutes he spent with me was the best moment and the one that I cannot simply wish for more...

At 29, what more can I wish than love, peace and joy?

Wish I was there....

Called my mother to check things out. Sis has started to work, but she talk and eat less still. She keep herself isolated.

Zea is sent to her babysitter as usual. Back home yesterday, she ran to the bedroom looking and calling out for her abah...

God, give her the strength to move on. Protect them and shower them with love, peace and joy. Amin.

In somber mood...

Death is right in front of us. It lingers around, it is everywhere.
It takes away those whom we love and brings despair to us all who left behind.

Memories remain, keep them safely. Nevertheless, life must go on.

To Zamri, al-fatihah....
(He passed away on 29th May 2008)

Call me katak (yang comel) di bawah tempurung, I don't care!

Oh, how I miss the familiarity of my own place (home, to be exact)...
I have never realized that I dislike the opposite until I stepped my foot on this kiasu land. It is true then that we always thought the grass is always greener on the other side. Of course, most of the time we are wrong because we always tend to underestimate our own ground.

For all the good things that have been said about this place by many, I beg to differ.

For one, while walking from my hotel to the nearest MRT station, no doubt the preserved old buildings are so very beautiful that I can't help but to admire, even envy, the endless preservation efforts by the government (and also the citizen), and the efficiency of the public transportation is beyond our (Malaysian) reach, but along the way I can see clearly rubbish, cigarette butts being thrown all over. Now, who dares telling me straight to my face that Singapore is indeed very clean?

Also, from my observation, Malays in Singapore are lazy. How?

I reached there very early in the wee hour, feeling so sleepy and tired (although the journey by bus only took me about 4 hours). With my luggage under my head, I slept on a bench at the bus station, accompanied by another 3 European backpackers whom I bet at lost (they are however, gorgeous and hunky!). By 7 a.m., I walked towards the MRT station heading to Tanjung Pagar where my hotel is situated at. After safe-keeping my luggage at the hotel, I went out walking to find a place to have breakfast (I was damn starving). It was not that hard to find a food court (although it was dominated by Chinese hawkers) and that morning I can only find one stall which sells (halal) Malay food. I hesitated because the door was only half-opened (but there were already people queuing to buy some apparently Nyonya kuih). When I approached the makcik (who moves slowly), and I ordered mee rebus which was clearly printed on the menu, she told me off that everything is not ready yet except the kuih and dull-looking fried noodle and meehoon (and it was already 8 a.m.)!

"Hello makcik, nak berniaga ke tidak....??!"
She stared back at me with the classic I-hate-you-Malaysian-people look.

Food sucks!! Tasteless!! I ordered a plate of fried rice with chicken and fried egg (they call it "telur mata lembu" - I assume there is no kerbau in Singapore!) for my dinner at a presumably famous restaurant near Kampung Glam. The reason I patronized the restaurant was because it was packed with people (mostly Malay and some gorgeous Mat Sallehs...yummy!) I had to wait to be seated, so I easily made my own assumption that it has to be damn good! To my horror surprise, when the food arrived, my fried rice was like the one cooked with perencah nasi goreng segera Adabi. It was plain, no vegetables whatsoever! What about the chicken? Hidden underneath the fried egg, sliced into small pieces (at least five slices). I wanted to laugh out loud when the waiter asked me to pay on the spot - the price: SGD5! Crap! My tastebud's savior for the night was the chilli sauce in packet (naughty minded, cynically I guessed that they got it from McDonald's!).

And a group of friends at the very next table to mine was talking happily and endlessly about how marvellous their food tastes! Oh, my dear friends, have you ever been to any other places outside Kampung Glam/Singapore? (Get a life!!)

Ironically, the very next day in a local English newspaper, it promotes Singapore Food Festival that promises great food tasting experience! Hah!!! I had a good laugh with my travel mate that early morning.

I went to Boat Quay one night to watch the Water Fools show (very ironic) in conjunction with Singapore Arts Festival 2008. It was reported in a local English newspaper that the show and fireworks were so amazing and fantastic, beyond imagination. Boo, I was fooled! It was overrated. The last fireworks may have saved the event, though I was dying to think that our own DBKL fireworks show is much, much better, beyond Singapore's own imagination!

The river? It is indeed not as bad as ours, it is dark green in colour, unsmelly, unlike ours which looks like a river of teh susu that smells like shit. I do admire its river. But, I still can see sampah berenang-renang keriangan bersama rakan-rakannya. Bersih? Not at all, it was all myth!

People say shopping in Singapore is indeed a good therapy for those who feel depressed at home, and I thought I was lucky to be there during the Great Singapore Sale to take my mind off of the hectic, miserable life I live in KL. Well, it was Not-So-Great-Singapore-Sale in the end. I don't understand what's so great about it? KL is much more heaven and cheaper! Enough said.

Well, I do not see Singapore as a must-visit place. I would not feel ralat if I do not ever have a chance to go there (again). I would not miss it, that's definite.

3 days spent, I was already feeling boring on my first evening. Can't believe I was suffering from home-sickness by just going to Singapore (I still can remember, the last time I felt homesick during my first day at a boarding school when my mother left me all alone with my new friends (and some gorgeous seniors for me to admire at)!)....

Remembering you....

Duxton Road, Singapore.

Being here on a strange land where I don't feel fit in makes me feel incredibly lonely. Met new friends but still I feel empty and unhappy. I don't really enjoy it here, I can't wait to go back home where I belong.

I can't wait to see him (actually)...!

Indeed....

18 May 2008. You asked me what exactly I want from you. I did not answer, because it was indescribable, I was too devastated to find the right words.

But let me tell you now, for once and for all, "I just want to be loved by you, only you, no one else."

It is true.

Cintaku sampai ku menutup mata...
(How else must I tell you to make you understand?)

Tolonglah, cintailah aku!

You give me another heartbreak....(but I still deeply love you)....

At this most trying and difficult time, instead of trying to understand and lend me a hand, he deserted me. I am left helpless, all alone...

He has no idea how painful it is to struggle and fight with my own self. All he can see is a diseased person he must avoid, not even a single chance given to me to come back clean. He fails to understand that no trees can grow in just one night, they need water to grow and survive.

It is sad enough to know that the one you needed most in your life turned his back on you and left, leaving another wound to deal with...


- Until when you want to blame me...?
+ I will blame you forever, as long as my love is there for you (it can never die, it can only grows stronger...)

A partial of my subconscious mind....

While writing this I am slowly getting sober from "an overdose"....


Not exactly an option to chill out but I can only find this, so far, as an engine or a booster for me to "escape" (even for a few seconds) from whatever miseries that I am facing at the moment. Bad idea, I know. At this point of writing I feel like to throw up again, I lost count since this morning, indeed. Nothing came out, of course, since I have not been taking any food for the past 24 hours.


What drove me into this?


I don't really know, I can't tell for certain. All I know is I took it once "recreationally", then the rest was history. Plus with all the unfortunate things that keep on happening to me, I moved on from one type to another. I met new friends in the process, although the sincerity is still questionable given the fact that we just meet up and become friends for that particular moment when we are into it, but yet these people filled the empty spaces left by those whom I once considered as my real friends (and even my special one).


There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night, I cried (sometimes out loud) with no particular reasons. I was feeling so empty during that moment, I was afraid of the darkness and the loneliness, and I was scared to death that I might lose my mind. That was when I started to turn to substance (bad move).


I later experienced a major depression after I was again hit by a series of misfortunes, all at one time, one after another, in which I could no longer handled them on my own anymore. I lost everything, I mean everything. I thought I was strong, initially, but as time passed by it proved me wrong. As strong as I portrayed myself on the outside, my inner self was killing me rapidly that to a certain point I started to lose my faith, I lost my willing to live (attempted suicide twice), and I refused to see people as my paranoia told me that people were all laughing at me and my failure. I had no one to turn to, even my loved one turned his back on me, saying there is no one can help me but myself (which is true and I partly agreed, but all I needed from him was just a guidance and also a shoulder to cry on - that too much to ask?). I was devastated when he left (in fact I still do and in mourning mood).


I went to seek professional help. But being emotionally disturbed, the paranoia was all over me and I shortly pulled myself out thinking there is no one in this world I can trust anymore. My best friends? They simply cannot understand what I went through and what I was feeling, no matter how hard they tried to convince me that they do understand me well. I carried the blame too for I did not reveal the whole thing (well, I believe some things should remain secret though...).


I found peace and joy in substance, although I know they bring more harms than good. Certainly, this is only my "escapism" and I made a promise to myself, one fine day (soon) I will come out clean.


But at the moment, no matter what people say, it is here to remain as my best friend....

I'm back (through the grand entrance)!

I secretly told my inner self to stop writing, I thought there's nothing left in me to pour my heart out. What's the point anyway? Things would not change...

I forgot that at the very least, this is the only place I could be sincere to myself, a place where when I revisit again and again, I would be reminded of how, who, where and what I was. I do not have to worry about minding my words and thoughts. I can be in peace with myself here. This is my world (although virtual)...

So where have I gone? Too far, I guess.

In this trying time, I have been abused by nobody but me. I am still craving and wanting, with eyes wide open knowing that there's no one left to call and nowhere else to go. I was all alone, helpless, in my own paranoia that people laugh at my failure, that the world turns its back on me, and that even love hates me..!

I was dancing in the dark. Alone.

But I want this to end. I have to write, even if it is a death note. I have to feed my lonely soul. I have to live my life no matter how, come what may I need to pull through and be stronger. This is indeed my self-audit engine!

The 39th

- Do you remember?
+ Yes, I do. How can I ever forget my life, my strength?


Though we are apart, my thought always run to you. I remember you all the time, more than you could ever imagine. Believe me...


With lots of love, I wish you "Happy Birthday"!

Love seed

I am a plant, you know.
- I know. Need to be nurtured and watered.

Else I'd die.
- I will try my best to ensure that you grow healthily.

Thanks... You don't know how much you mean to me. You never will.
- I probably won't...but thanks for having me so.

See you for breakfast. I promise will be a good boy tomorrow.
- Nite kido!

I know it's late, but "Happy New Year!"

2007 was very challenging for us both. We saw less each other, we fought a lot, we care less about each other's feelings (and I caught you lying - many times - damn, it still hurts!). Towards the end, we managed to catch up good times together (which I am so eternally grateful).

I am hoping this year would be a good one, blessed with lots of love between you and me (less tantrums, of course).

I still love you (even stronger).

Dear Lessismore....

Falling in love with someone else's?

I've been with this guy for almost 4 years already. Love him deeply, no doubt. But trust me, it has never been easy. I'll never be his priority. When I need him, he won't be there. We can only go out together to places where no other people would go for a date. I really have to be strong mentally & emotionally.

Lessismore, if you still want him, expect nothing from him.

You know, we fought a lot, purely because I wanted him to be more responsible of our relationship. But he just can't, because he has the limitation. There are lots of thing he can't do for me - if I was to compare to a normal relationship. We can't go for a holiday together, we can't have dinner at KLCC or anywhere "fabulous", we can't be seen together as a couple anywhere even.

At some points I wanted to give it up and look for someone else but I can't because I know no one will love me the way he does. He can't leave me too, indeed. We both love each other so much, so we decided to keep our relationship as long as we could hold to it, we just enjoy it while we can. That's the best and sensible thing both of us can expect to.

Tantrums will always be there at anytime. If you can't reach him and make him understand how you feel, channel it to something else - put it in writing, for example. I have been doing that and unbelievably it works. I put it in this blog, he will read it at his own leisure (Hi Bubu..miss you!).

Lessismore, if you think you can handle it, go ahead. If you think you won't find someone else better than him, why not, hold to it. But the main rule is that never ever step your foot in his other relationship. When he's with you, he's all yours. But when he's not with you, you are on your own - you must be independent. Just don't limit yourself to other possibilities, remember that you must be fair to yourself too.

Don't sigh, Lessismore. You feel like a mistress, in a way yes you are. I know how you feel.

If you think he's worth your time and your precious love, hold to it. Be strong. I may not have the standard/typical relationship as my other friends might have, but I can tell you, I have never been loved deeply like this before. Loving him is the best thing that had ever happened in my life (so far)...!

Take care, Lessismore.
Merry Xmas!

p/s - Always put your feet on the ground, friend.

Dear R

Days have passed and still no sign of us
Not a hint of what used to be
When you lived in that part of me

This blinding silence lives in every room
Of what once was a happy home
Now we’re sitting here all alone

Could this be that it was all a lie
And we’re just afraid to say good-bye

Am I the only one

Re: hello XoXoX

From:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 10:56:55 AM
To:
XoXoX (xxx@hotmail.com)

Hi Xoxox!
So sorry i could not go to Lush bar last time because my friends don"t want to go there . I still remember the times we met each other and miss your face so much hihihi...you are so cute, i hope have chance to visit Malaysia in short times, so sorry my English is not good try to guess it hihihih.
Miss you!

_____________________ @--&-------- _______________________


RE: Hello John (is that your name?)‏
From:
Xoxox (xoxox@hotmail.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:26:07 PM
To:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)

Hey.....!

You can never imagine how overwhelming my feeling is when I saw your email popping up in my mailbox. I'm smiling from ear to ear while typing this...!

You know, I was getting worried that I couldn't get the chance to keep in touch with you since I lost my phone there. I thought I had the wrong email address since you did not reply, so I sent many emails to many addresses I could think of with your name on it, but all came back with "delivery failed" messages. I had this funny thinking that I might be visiting Saigon again and look for you myself. Haha...guess I'm lucky. Anyways, thank you so much for replying.

I have yet to transfer the photo we took together into my computer. I'll send it to you soon as I get it transferred, ok? By the way, I've created some "photos of us together" (like I said, I was afraid I couldn't get through you anymore, so I cropped your photos and pasted it on mine, just for the sake of remembering "I met this handsome guy in Saigon, and here's the happy moments we took together"...haha).

I'm passing you my cell phone number down here, perhaps you may want to keep it, just in case. Just don't call or sms me at the moment because I have yet to get a new phone. Hopefully it would be useful when you come down here in KL. Can't wait to take you around when you come. Looking forward to meet you again - either in KL or Saigon, or anywhere even!

Hey,are you sure you're missing me (how do you say "I miss you" in Vietnamese?)? See, I'm so excited till I forgot to ask how are you doing? Please excuse my excitement, ya. Anyway, really hope you are doing good over there. Do take care of yourself. I am so missing you! (I really do....)

Don't stop writing, ok.
Till then, cheers!

Yours truly,
Xoxox
Kuala Lumpur
+601******3

P/s: You really make my day!

Dear Nguyen John...

Hi there!

I hope I get this right to the right person. I can vaguely remember your email address, so I'm just trying my luck here.

And I hope you still remember me XoXoX from XYXYXY. We met at the Golden Smile Club in District 3, then went back to my hotel room and promised to meet up at Lush, which you didn't turn up...! :(

You still remember I saved your email address in my cell phone? Now what happened was, I dropped my cell phone in a taxi this morning on the way back to my hotel. So, it's gone.

Hit me back ASAP once you received this email, ok!

Sincerely yours,
XoXoX
Amara Hotel

p/s - You were good last night!

The Miss Saigon

That's what I am, officially....!

6th - 9th December, 2007

To whom I love....

It is during this moment that all the wrongdoings for the past one year are forgiven and forgotten in a spirit of togetherness, brotherhood and sincerity. Well, maybe not all. As negative as I might sounded, that is the reality which none of us as a normal human being could run away from. At least the scar is there to stay though the wound and hurt are gone.

Nevertheless, I am grateful that I am still here, alive and blessed with the loves of those people whose roles are very much important and very significant in my life. That I am able to return their unconditional loves although not as much as theirs, such a personal achievement that I thank God for allowing me to taste the love, granting me part of my never ending wishes into real. I have always said to close friends and myself, "salah satu nikmat dunia", that is love and being loved. I can not imagine me living without the lovely people around me.

I love my mum, no matter what. I cry for her, I pray for her, I almost did everything for her and it could never be enough for me. She may not be the flawless mother, but I know no one could ever replace her in my heart. I want to be the best for her, and sometimes I tried so hard that I hurt her unintentionally. What she has been through is totally remarkable - being left alone by her all grown up children to find their own lives, subsequently by her abusive husband who ran away with a widow about her age in the name of revenge, she stand taller and keep her head high finding a new life leaving the past behind. Sometimes I can not help myself from crying at night thinking how lonely she could be without having her children around to support her. I know she knew that our hearts are glued to hers wherever we are, no matter how far we are physically apart.

Do I love my father?
I did.
But what he did to us I could never forget and forgive. How could I forget all the bruises and blood spilled? How can I forget the pain he caused us? How can I face the world with all the mental tortures he passed on me during my growing up? I am grateful it happened though, and I have no one to thank to but him; because his leaving us means the end of suffering on my mother's part, although it took years for her to overcome the sudden loss, the shame and pain that he brought us on.

Dear, I love you so much. You are the source of my strength. Sometimes I forgot how lucky I am to have you standing beside (and also behind) me in everything I do. Doubt me never, I could never find another you.
"If I ever love again, even then nothing will change..."
For the past one year, we both know, it has been so challenging for us both, with the tantrums and all, and I know you are hurt sometimes. Maybe not as much as I did. But we mended, we pulled through it all and we survived. Leaving it all behind (and learn the lesson), I am looking forward for years of happiness with you. We may not be in the best and perfect bond, but we make the best out of it. I hope we always will.

Selamat hari raya.
Maaf zahir dan batin.

Sampai ku menutup mata...

I love you, more than you ever know, more than I should, more than anything else in this world. It is timeless, it grows stronger each day passing, it overflows in my heart I cannot find a space to fill it in anymore. The love that pulls me through when the going gets tougher and tougher, the one that I swore to myself will never be replaced ever, the one that I have always prayed to Almighty God will last to my last breathing, the one that I hope and swear will carry it with me everywhere I go even down to my grave.

That's how I love you.

No. Truth is, my love for you is indescribable. Love is too small a word to define what I feel for you. And I swear to you, it is immeasurable.

I don't know how I should tell you about what I feel.
I don't know if you could understand a bit of it, mine is too complicated to understand.

embun di pagi buta
menebarkan bau asa
detik demi detik ku hitung
inikah saat ku pergi

oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi

aku tak mudah mencintai
aku tak mudah mengaku ku cinta
aku tak mudah mengatakan
aku jatuh cinta

senandungku hanya untuk cinta
tirakatku hanya untuk engkau
tiada dusta sumpah ku cinta
sampai ku menutup mata

cintaku sampai ku menutup mata
oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi...

There were times when I cried at night alone thinking of you, of how I missed you, of how I wanted you badly with me, of how painful life is without you beside me. And last night I cried again, I called out your name hoping you will come and hug and comfort me and take me out of this misery forever.

But you didn't.

I love you damn much, but it is killing me inside...

Daisy

OST > Daisy (데이지) > Korean


01. 데이지 - 헤이

내가 그토록 원했던 사랑이 내 앞 에 있는데
아무 말도 하지 못 한 채로 바라만 보내요
낯설 기만한 이 도시 사랑을 그리며 살았죠.
데이지향 가득한 그대를 언젠가 만날 꺼라며
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데 함께할 수 없나봐요
죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데
미안해요 그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
매일 같은 시간이면 그대는 내 곁에 있었죠
바보처럼 나만 모르는 체 그댈 스쳐 보냈네요
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데
함께할 수 없나봐요 죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데 미안해요
그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
아프고 또 아파와도...떠나야 하네요



Daisy - Hey
romanization by: asn_aishiteru (also credit: aheeyah.com)

Nega gutorok woneton sarang0i ne ape inunde
Amu maldo haji motan chero baraman boneyo
Natsol gimanan idoshi sarang-ul gurimyo sarajo
Deiji(Daisy)hyang gadukan guderul onjenga manal koramyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde hamkehalsu omnabayo
Jugodo nochigin shironunde
Mianeyo gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Meil gatun shiganimyon gudenun ne gyote isojo
Babochorom naman morunun che gudel sucho boneneyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde
Hamkehalsu omnabayo jugodo nochigin shironunde mianeyo
Gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Apugoto apawado...tonaya haneyo


Daisy (데이지) > translation

01. Daisy - Hey
translation by: bangku (also credit: aheeyah.com)

In spite of all my wishes love is always in my future.
I really can't say it, but I still wish to see you.
Even though love is a strange and tricky city for me, it is where I wanted to live.
One day I will meet up with you, who are full of the scent of a Daisy
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
If you can, everyday at the same time, be next to me.
Like a fool, I pretend to steal a glance at you
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
I hurt and I am hurting.... I must go.

Back and hurt....

Yeah, it's been awhile.

A friend (perhaps someone that I knew from school is much more appropriate) died in March. The news came as a shock, I thought I saw him few months earlier at a shopping complex looking as healthy as a Greek God (during school time he was as skinny as a piece of plywood). Since that day I don't know why I suddenly stopped writing.

And so many things happened along the way. A birthday as sweet as before (only this year smeared by a heated argument which later both of us tried to forget at the soonest to enjoy the special day together - thanks for the books. Love them!), work that stole most of my time even on weekends which now I feel quite grateful otherwise I would be craving for his attention that I believe is making him sick of me, a niece who now has learned to walk and goo goo gaa gaa to his lonely uncle just celebrated her first birthday today...

I'm back in the trouble limelight again. We had a series of argument which I believe started with the issues of trustworthy and honesty. I thought it has come to its end when we no longer know how to respect each other individually and emotionally, how to fulfill the expectations that grow even higher day by day. I thought the longer the time we take to understand each other the better the relationship will become but no! It seems that we are growing apart, more confused each time passing. We talked and fixed it. It seemed to work for a few seconds only, then we just went back to the shaky affair. Did I try so hard or he was just lightly taking it to his side? I don't know.

He lied. Again. This time it hurt so bad that I swore I would never forgive him and it could never be forgotten. Extreme? Perhaps. But I have told him many many times before, I need nothing but the truth and the truth is what he should give me. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes but it is better than being told a lie only to be "enlightened" by some other people that it was nothing but a lie! The pain is even worst.

He said he was just protecting me. Unacceptable. I think he was just taking it lightly (again), it was just a reasoning to justify his action, to run away from being held responsible for the lies that he told me all the while. After all, he has been doing that since the day we first met. How could he never thought about what I would feel if I find out he was lying to me? What is there to hide?

What hurt the most is that all this while (as long as I can remember it started late last year), the time he spent with me had been lesser and lesser. From few days a week it went down to once a week and subsequently once a month. Yes he called me everyday but a call is a call, there's no human, personal touch in it. He claimed every time I voiced it out that he was busy at work, he has no time even for himself, that he has no one else but me, bla bla bla... Yet, in his extremely limited time for me, he has lots of time to spend on seeing other people......not even seeing but doing more than that!

I love him, no doubt. He is the only love of my life that I see I would keep to my last breath. I may offered him a truce. But the damage that done was so huge, forgetting even forgiving this time around is not an option for me. I have lost the trust and respect for him.

Some things must change if this relationship is to get going. He has to show some effort. Else..........

The "Futureless" ?

Thanks to you, I am so torn.
Are you happy now?

My Heart en español (as Googled)

Si amamos a alguien, podríamos ser éste fuerte?
Lucharé para ganar, nuestro amor conquistará todos
No arriesgaría mi amor, iguale apenas una noche
Nuestro amor permanecerá en mi corazón

Is the grass greener on the other side?

A friend came recently to catch up latest news with each other. He amazingly looked stunning that day that I cannot resist complimenting. Throughout these years, I have learned the art of provoking and "gold digging". Hence sheepishly in less than a second he admitted to his latest encounter, leaving no empty room of his sexciting account. Well, I don't have to be a warlock to figure out the purpose of his coming. We've been doing it all the time!

He found a guy in his late 30's; attractive, well-built, have a good and stable career, and still can perform satisfactorily. He talked a lot when doing it, touched mind-blowingly, paid every bit of attention to details, and he allegedly made this friend of mine feeling really good and confident about himself. Sounds very much of my ideal man, with a bit of exclusion on the "talked a lot when doing it".

Apparently this two supposedly early lovebirds met at a club downtown and ended up at his place "doing it". This guy claimed that he just walked out of his seven years old relationship with a much younger chap. He was away in a foreign country and upon coming home three years later, the younger chap told him that he 'needs' (not 'wants') to be single and enjoy every bit of what single life can offer him to the fullest instead of being committed to a life long relationship. So they broke off, leaving seven good years behind. As simple as that.

I was caught in disbelief. I mean, here I am, dying to have a long lasting, steady relationship with someone who really, really loves me and accept me the way I really am. But here, this young chap, having a wonderful life that belongs to just the two of them (a life which I have always dreamed of) - parting ways only to discover and experience the other life that he might think is greener on the other side. He succumbed to the force of pleasure and self-gratification, set himself free from togetherness. What is it with all these glamorous, materialistic world that overpower a person that change his life maybe forever?

Problems are everywhere (you can't run, you can't hide), you just fix them. But to cave in to glamour and material to an extent that you forgo your precious life, it is absurd. There are so many people out there who are so in need to be loved affectionately but they couldn't find it. When you have it, why must let go?

Seven years is not a short period as in seven months in which you can forget everything within seven days (I took months to recover from a seven months old relationship). It surely takes some time to let go the feeling and memories, and this poor guy is still talking about it although the partnership ended five months ago. He remembers everything, every details, every inch, every sounds, and he lives with the memory still. He was in love but he had to let go because he cannot play the part alone.

On a second thought, maybe the poor guy deserves someone better who could love him and cherish every moment together. Maybe it is me. Maybe we are meant to be together. That is, only if I were to be introduced to him, and only if he likes me.

Until then, I keep my fingers crossed.



It makes me rethink of my situation, and realise how lucky I am despite the impediments I've been through for almost three years.