I know it's late, but "Happy New Year!"

2007 was very challenging for us both. We saw less each other, we fought a lot, we care less about each other's feelings (and I caught you lying - many times - damn, it still hurts!). Towards the end, we managed to catch up good times together (which I am so eternally grateful).

I am hoping this year would be a good one, blessed with lots of love between you and me (less tantrums, of course).

I still love you (even stronger).

Dear Lessismore....

Falling in love with someone else's?

I've been with this guy for almost 4 years already. Love him deeply, no doubt. But trust me, it has never been easy. I'll never be his priority. When I need him, he won't be there. We can only go out together to places where no other people would go for a date. I really have to be strong mentally & emotionally.

Lessismore, if you still want him, expect nothing from him.

You know, we fought a lot, purely because I wanted him to be more responsible of our relationship. But he just can't, because he has the limitation. There are lots of thing he can't do for me - if I was to compare to a normal relationship. We can't go for a holiday together, we can't have dinner at KLCC or anywhere "fabulous", we can't be seen together as a couple anywhere even.

At some points I wanted to give it up and look for someone else but I can't because I know no one will love me the way he does. He can't leave me too, indeed. We both love each other so much, so we decided to keep our relationship as long as we could hold to it, we just enjoy it while we can. That's the best and sensible thing both of us can expect to.

Tantrums will always be there at anytime. If you can't reach him and make him understand how you feel, channel it to something else - put it in writing, for example. I have been doing that and unbelievably it works. I put it in this blog, he will read it at his own leisure (Hi Bubu..miss you!).

Lessismore, if you think you can handle it, go ahead. If you think you won't find someone else better than him, why not, hold to it. But the main rule is that never ever step your foot in his other relationship. When he's with you, he's all yours. But when he's not with you, you are on your own - you must be independent. Just don't limit yourself to other possibilities, remember that you must be fair to yourself too.

Don't sigh, Lessismore. You feel like a mistress, in a way yes you are. I know how you feel.

If you think he's worth your time and your precious love, hold to it. Be strong. I may not have the standard/typical relationship as my other friends might have, but I can tell you, I have never been loved deeply like this before. Loving him is the best thing that had ever happened in my life (so far)...!

Take care, Lessismore.
Merry Xmas!

p/s - Always put your feet on the ground, friend.

Dear R

Days have passed and still no sign of us
Not a hint of what used to be
When you lived in that part of me

This blinding silence lives in every room
Of what once was a happy home
Now we’re sitting here all alone

Could this be that it was all a lie
And we’re just afraid to say good-bye

Am I the only one

Re: hello XoXoX

From:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 10:56:55 AM
To:
XoXoX (xxx@hotmail.com)

Hi Xoxox!
So sorry i could not go to Lush bar last time because my friends don"t want to go there . I still remember the times we met each other and miss your face so much hihihi...you are so cute, i hope have chance to visit Malaysia in short times, so sorry my English is not good try to guess it hihihih.
Miss you!

_____________________ @--&-------- _______________________


RE: Hello John (is that your name?)‏
From:
Xoxox (xoxox@hotmail.com)
Sent:
Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:26:07 PM
To:
Nguyen John (***@yahoo.com)

Hey.....!

You can never imagine how overwhelming my feeling is when I saw your email popping up in my mailbox. I'm smiling from ear to ear while typing this...!

You know, I was getting worried that I couldn't get the chance to keep in touch with you since I lost my phone there. I thought I had the wrong email address since you did not reply, so I sent many emails to many addresses I could think of with your name on it, but all came back with "delivery failed" messages. I had this funny thinking that I might be visiting Saigon again and look for you myself. Haha...guess I'm lucky. Anyways, thank you so much for replying.

I have yet to transfer the photo we took together into my computer. I'll send it to you soon as I get it transferred, ok? By the way, I've created some "photos of us together" (like I said, I was afraid I couldn't get through you anymore, so I cropped your photos and pasted it on mine, just for the sake of remembering "I met this handsome guy in Saigon, and here's the happy moments we took together"...haha).

I'm passing you my cell phone number down here, perhaps you may want to keep it, just in case. Just don't call or sms me at the moment because I have yet to get a new phone. Hopefully it would be useful when you come down here in KL. Can't wait to take you around when you come. Looking forward to meet you again - either in KL or Saigon, or anywhere even!

Hey,are you sure you're missing me (how do you say "I miss you" in Vietnamese?)? See, I'm so excited till I forgot to ask how are you doing? Please excuse my excitement, ya. Anyway, really hope you are doing good over there. Do take care of yourself. I am so missing you! (I really do....)

Don't stop writing, ok.
Till then, cheers!

Yours truly,
Xoxox
Kuala Lumpur
+601******3

P/s: You really make my day!

Dear Nguyen John...

Hi there!

I hope I get this right to the right person. I can vaguely remember your email address, so I'm just trying my luck here.

And I hope you still remember me XoXoX from XYXYXY. We met at the Golden Smile Club in District 3, then went back to my hotel room and promised to meet up at Lush, which you didn't turn up...! :(

You still remember I saved your email address in my cell phone? Now what happened was, I dropped my cell phone in a taxi this morning on the way back to my hotel. So, it's gone.

Hit me back ASAP once you received this email, ok!

Sincerely yours,
XoXoX
Amara Hotel

p/s - You were good last night!

The Miss Saigon

That's what I am, officially....!

6th - 9th December, 2007

To whom I love....

It is during this moment that all the wrongdoings for the past one year are forgiven and forgotten in a spirit of togetherness, brotherhood and sincerity. Well, maybe not all. As negative as I might sounded, that is the reality which none of us as a normal human being could run away from. At least the scar is there to stay though the wound and hurt are gone.

Nevertheless, I am grateful that I am still here, alive and blessed with the loves of those people whose roles are very much important and very significant in my life. That I am able to return their unconditional loves although not as much as theirs, such a personal achievement that I thank God for allowing me to taste the love, granting me part of my never ending wishes into real. I have always said to close friends and myself, "salah satu nikmat dunia", that is love and being loved. I can not imagine me living without the lovely people around me.

I love my mum, no matter what. I cry for her, I pray for her, I almost did everything for her and it could never be enough for me. She may not be the flawless mother, but I know no one could ever replace her in my heart. I want to be the best for her, and sometimes I tried so hard that I hurt her unintentionally. What she has been through is totally remarkable - being left alone by her all grown up children to find their own lives, subsequently by her abusive husband who ran away with a widow about her age in the name of revenge, she stand taller and keep her head high finding a new life leaving the past behind. Sometimes I can not help myself from crying at night thinking how lonely she could be without having her children around to support her. I know she knew that our hearts are glued to hers wherever we are, no matter how far we are physically apart.

Do I love my father?
I did.
But what he did to us I could never forget and forgive. How could I forget all the bruises and blood spilled? How can I forget the pain he caused us? How can I face the world with all the mental tortures he passed on me during my growing up? I am grateful it happened though, and I have no one to thank to but him; because his leaving us means the end of suffering on my mother's part, although it took years for her to overcome the sudden loss, the shame and pain that he brought us on.

Dear, I love you so much. You are the source of my strength. Sometimes I forgot how lucky I am to have you standing beside (and also behind) me in everything I do. Doubt me never, I could never find another you.
"If I ever love again, even then nothing will change..."
For the past one year, we both know, it has been so challenging for us both, with the tantrums and all, and I know you are hurt sometimes. Maybe not as much as I did. But we mended, we pulled through it all and we survived. Leaving it all behind (and learn the lesson), I am looking forward for years of happiness with you. We may not be in the best and perfect bond, but we make the best out of it. I hope we always will.

Selamat hari raya.
Maaf zahir dan batin.

Sampai ku menutup mata...

I love you, more than you ever know, more than I should, more than anything else in this world. It is timeless, it grows stronger each day passing, it overflows in my heart I cannot find a space to fill it in anymore. The love that pulls me through when the going gets tougher and tougher, the one that I swore to myself will never be replaced ever, the one that I have always prayed to Almighty God will last to my last breathing, the one that I hope and swear will carry it with me everywhere I go even down to my grave.

That's how I love you.

No. Truth is, my love for you is indescribable. Love is too small a word to define what I feel for you. And I swear to you, it is immeasurable.

I don't know how I should tell you about what I feel.
I don't know if you could understand a bit of it, mine is too complicated to understand.

embun di pagi buta
menebarkan bau asa
detik demi detik ku hitung
inikah saat ku pergi

oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi

aku tak mudah mencintai
aku tak mudah mengaku ku cinta
aku tak mudah mengatakan
aku jatuh cinta

senandungku hanya untuk cinta
tirakatku hanya untuk engkau
tiada dusta sumpah ku cinta
sampai ku menutup mata

cintaku sampai ku menutup mata
oh Tuhan ku cinta dia
berikanlah aku hidup
takkan ku sakiti dia
hukum aku bila terjadi...

There were times when I cried at night alone thinking of you, of how I missed you, of how I wanted you badly with me, of how painful life is without you beside me. And last night I cried again, I called out your name hoping you will come and hug and comfort me and take me out of this misery forever.

But you didn't.

I love you damn much, but it is killing me inside...

Daisy

OST > Daisy (데이지) > Korean


01. 데이지 - 헤이

내가 그토록 원했던 사랑이 내 앞 에 있는데
아무 말도 하지 못 한 채로 바라만 보내요
낯설 기만한 이 도시 사랑을 그리며 살았죠.
데이지향 가득한 그대를 언젠가 만날 꺼라며
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데 함께할 수 없나봐요
죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데
미안해요 그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
매일 같은 시간이면 그대는 내 곁에 있었죠
바보처럼 나만 모르는 체 그댈 스쳐 보냈네요
이제야 나 이제서야 그댈 알아봤는데
함께할 수 없나봐요 죽어도 놓치긴 싫었는데 미안해요
그대만 두고 떠나야 하네요
아프고 또 아파와도...떠나야 하네요



Daisy - Hey
romanization by: asn_aishiteru (also credit: aheeyah.com)

Nega gutorok woneton sarang0i ne ape inunde
Amu maldo haji motan chero baraman boneyo
Natsol gimanan idoshi sarang-ul gurimyo sarajo
Deiji(Daisy)hyang gadukan guderul onjenga manal koramyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde hamkehalsu omnabayo
Jugodo nochigin shironunde
Mianeyo gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Meil gatun shiganimyon gudenun ne gyote isojo
Babochorom naman morunun che gudel sucho boneneyo
Ijeya na ijesoya gudel arabanunde
Hamkehalsu omnabayo jugodo nochigin shironunde mianeyo
Gudeman dugo tonaya haneyo
Apugoto apawado...tonaya haneyo


Daisy (데이지) > translation

01. Daisy - Hey
translation by: bangku (also credit: aheeyah.com)

In spite of all my wishes love is always in my future.
I really can't say it, but I still wish to see you.
Even though love is a strange and tricky city for me, it is where I wanted to live.
One day I will meet up with you, who are full of the scent of a Daisy
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
If you can, everyday at the same time, be next to me.
Like a fool, I pretend to steal a glance at you
Finally, I recently got to really know you.
We can't go together
I don't want to also die
I'm sorry, you alone must leave
I hurt and I am hurting.... I must go.

Back and hurt....

Yeah, it's been awhile.

A friend (perhaps someone that I knew from school is much more appropriate) died in March. The news came as a shock, I thought I saw him few months earlier at a shopping complex looking as healthy as a Greek God (during school time he was as skinny as a piece of plywood). Since that day I don't know why I suddenly stopped writing.

And so many things happened along the way. A birthday as sweet as before (only this year smeared by a heated argument which later both of us tried to forget at the soonest to enjoy the special day together - thanks for the books. Love them!), work that stole most of my time even on weekends which now I feel quite grateful otherwise I would be craving for his attention that I believe is making him sick of me, a niece who now has learned to walk and goo goo gaa gaa to his lonely uncle just celebrated her first birthday today...

I'm back in the trouble limelight again. We had a series of argument which I believe started with the issues of trustworthy and honesty. I thought it has come to its end when we no longer know how to respect each other individually and emotionally, how to fulfill the expectations that grow even higher day by day. I thought the longer the time we take to understand each other the better the relationship will become but no! It seems that we are growing apart, more confused each time passing. We talked and fixed it. It seemed to work for a few seconds only, then we just went back to the shaky affair. Did I try so hard or he was just lightly taking it to his side? I don't know.

He lied. Again. This time it hurt so bad that I swore I would never forgive him and it could never be forgotten. Extreme? Perhaps. But I have told him many many times before, I need nothing but the truth and the truth is what he should give me. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes but it is better than being told a lie only to be "enlightened" by some other people that it was nothing but a lie! The pain is even worst.

He said he was just protecting me. Unacceptable. I think he was just taking it lightly (again), it was just a reasoning to justify his action, to run away from being held responsible for the lies that he told me all the while. After all, he has been doing that since the day we first met. How could he never thought about what I would feel if I find out he was lying to me? What is there to hide?

What hurt the most is that all this while (as long as I can remember it started late last year), the time he spent with me had been lesser and lesser. From few days a week it went down to once a week and subsequently once a month. Yes he called me everyday but a call is a call, there's no human, personal touch in it. He claimed every time I voiced it out that he was busy at work, he has no time even for himself, that he has no one else but me, bla bla bla... Yet, in his extremely limited time for me, he has lots of time to spend on seeing other people......not even seeing but doing more than that!

I love him, no doubt. He is the only love of my life that I see I would keep to my last breath. I may offered him a truce. But the damage that done was so huge, forgetting even forgiving this time around is not an option for me. I have lost the trust and respect for him.

Some things must change if this relationship is to get going. He has to show some effort. Else..........

The "Futureless" ?

Thanks to you, I am so torn.
Are you happy now?

My Heart en español (as Googled)

Si amamos a alguien, podríamos ser éste fuerte?
Lucharé para ganar, nuestro amor conquistará todos
No arriesgaría mi amor, iguale apenas una noche
Nuestro amor permanecerá en mi corazón

Is the grass greener on the other side?

A friend came recently to catch up latest news with each other. He amazingly looked stunning that day that I cannot resist complimenting. Throughout these years, I have learned the art of provoking and "gold digging". Hence sheepishly in less than a second he admitted to his latest encounter, leaving no empty room of his sexciting account. Well, I don't have to be a warlock to figure out the purpose of his coming. We've been doing it all the time!

He found a guy in his late 30's; attractive, well-built, have a good and stable career, and still can perform satisfactorily. He talked a lot when doing it, touched mind-blowingly, paid every bit of attention to details, and he allegedly made this friend of mine feeling really good and confident about himself. Sounds very much of my ideal man, with a bit of exclusion on the "talked a lot when doing it".

Apparently this two supposedly early lovebirds met at a club downtown and ended up at his place "doing it". This guy claimed that he just walked out of his seven years old relationship with a much younger chap. He was away in a foreign country and upon coming home three years later, the younger chap told him that he 'needs' (not 'wants') to be single and enjoy every bit of what single life can offer him to the fullest instead of being committed to a life long relationship. So they broke off, leaving seven good years behind. As simple as that.

I was caught in disbelief. I mean, here I am, dying to have a long lasting, steady relationship with someone who really, really loves me and accept me the way I really am. But here, this young chap, having a wonderful life that belongs to just the two of them (a life which I have always dreamed of) - parting ways only to discover and experience the other life that he might think is greener on the other side. He succumbed to the force of pleasure and self-gratification, set himself free from togetherness. What is it with all these glamorous, materialistic world that overpower a person that change his life maybe forever?

Problems are everywhere (you can't run, you can't hide), you just fix them. But to cave in to glamour and material to an extent that you forgo your precious life, it is absurd. There are so many people out there who are so in need to be loved affectionately but they couldn't find it. When you have it, why must let go?

Seven years is not a short period as in seven months in which you can forget everything within seven days (I took months to recover from a seven months old relationship). It surely takes some time to let go the feeling and memories, and this poor guy is still talking about it although the partnership ended five months ago. He remembers everything, every details, every inch, every sounds, and he lives with the memory still. He was in love but he had to let go because he cannot play the part alone.

On a second thought, maybe the poor guy deserves someone better who could love him and cherish every moment together. Maybe it is me. Maybe we are meant to be together. That is, only if I were to be introduced to him, and only if he likes me.

Until then, I keep my fingers crossed.



It makes me rethink of my situation, and realise how lucky I am despite the impediments I've been through for almost three years.

Heart

I once had a heart

and it was true but

now it's gone from me to you

so take care of it

as I have done

because

now you have two

and I have none...

Happy Valentines Day!
(Though you're not here with me tonight, I know there's a place for me in your heart, always...)

February 10, 2007

I waited and waited and waited.
Nothing.

A special day that instead brought another heartache to the list.


How far must I go? How much longer must I wait?
I am human, if you can't remember...

(Happy Birthday to you!)

Leo...

Nice to see you again. After, maybe 5-6 months? You called me last time and you said you would call again to ask me out for supper. Of course you didn't call. But that's ok.

You really caught me by surprise. I mean, I didn't expect you would call the very next day after we met that night. Judging from the past, we would end up be meeting up at the unexpected places few months later and you would be with different people, of course. And we will keep on blaming each other for not having the guts to make the first move and so on. Hey, do you still remember that incident in IKEA? That was funny, huh.

You still haven't changed much personally, playful and wittyly charming. I am glad. Your new kitchen and bathroom, love it! Those, I must say, the only changes I have seen so far. And the instant noodle you cooked last night was a real kick! You are such a good cook. Haha.

I don't know what is going to happen next, but I'll just leave it to the hands of God. Same here, hope to see you again!

W H Y M E ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Story of Red Roses

I did something selfish and stupid on Saturday. But my own stupidity was an eye opener to me.

For one, I discovered the only thing that I want for myself, that I all this while have been denying all along. I could not afford to lose it anymore and I want to live and die with it.

Secondly, while packing, I found the answer to my own unanswerable question:
June 9, 2004.

"If red is love, then love it shall be."

And the red roses bloomed in my heart since...

My life, my job and the library...

I'm in the library now.

I remember still when I was in secondary school, the school library is the most sought after place to go for evening prep class. Mainly because it is air conditioned, more quiet, and when you are cold you can rub your shoulder and put your legs onto the person sitting next to you, whom normally would be ehem, your 'closest friend'. I would try at my best effort to be among the first to get into the library to reserve the best seats. Unfortunately, cruising was not in my dictionary at that time although I must say the opportunities that came were so wide opened and overwhelming. Oh, such a loss!

This is my third day working as a part time librarian here at a local college in KL, and things are going well so far. Well, the fact that there is little work to do here (almost none) besides doing some books arranging (I should have tried on flowers instead) and ‘xerox’-ing for the lecturers and students, I'm yet to face the bigger challenges; if handling the 'spoiled brat' is not part of it. Since this is a small college library with a small number of students and academic staff, obviously there's nothing much to be done. Actually, my school library is a lot better than the place i'm working now!

Not quite a good and interesting job actually, but at least I don't have to feel sorry for my pathetic life, for being alone at home after work with nothing else to do than having sex or, well, masturbating. Good goddess, whatever had happen to the days when I used to hang out with friends after work having a drink or two, window shopping, dinner, karaoke-ing, and even a short (sometimes long) trip to saunas? Where has all the cowboys gone? Am I not that happening anymore? Or have I turned myself into a lonesome, attention-craving person? Or even a sex maniac? Urrgghhh!

Something is totally wrong with me and I am already 23 (no kidding)!

Fact is, I need the extra money. My expenses are rocketing higher and higher but my pay is getting lesser and lesser. My buying power as well as my pocket is shrinking. I’m going to die as a penniless person if not a bankrupt! I might have to walk from one place to another on bare feet for not having the money to buy petrol for my car or even for the bus fare. I could be seen as one of those skeleton junkies roaming on the back lane searching for leftovers in the garbage bin. I could be thrown out of my house as I cannot afford to pay the rental. My still under construction house would be auctioned off for not meeting the monthly mortgage plan. I would end up being a beggar on the street like the one I saw many years ago while dining at the stalls in Bangsar with my now distant friends (well, at least he can afford to buy the 1901 hotdog by begging for living!). And I might not have money left for my sister to hold prayer for my lost soul, or even for the batu nisan on my grave! Thank god we don't have to pay for a piece of land to be buried...

Oh my goddess, is that me?!

You see, this is the result of having too much time for my own self thinking about rubbish and day dreaming about nothing until it kills the common sense in me. I might be presented with a simple ‘A’, but I will go deeper wondering if it is an 'a' or ‘A’, what color, type of font, size, Italic, bold, the origin, why A not B, and so the list goes. Silly, eh?

Well, maybe I should work and stay longer in the library and get my head brushed up. After all, I can use the Net at no cost.
Wise, no?

Triangle Love (from LPG-community....)

Dear friends.. Good to hear all this situation.

Love is just a matter of something and how you look at it. I am just wondering, would it be nice if I can love few persons in one time. But just then I realize. sometimes I am just too sellfish of doing all this loving 2 person in the same time. May i rather love them as friends more than any others.. I rather be a slut cause I still cannot commit. What is fate? I dun know.. when i take them as friends.. I care them more then lover.. I enjoy being with them more than lover~~~~ So what so important of being lover.. this and that..

Dear Darling.. I have to say if u say i am rude.. u are just wanting them for sex, not love.. u wish to be so selfish enuff... to hold them to you. Try to take one of them as friends rather than lover or this that..... I think things works more than any...remember all this... if u dun take triangle love seriously ALL PARTIES HURT

Did you ever know you need to move but are afraid to?

I do. In fact, I've been there. Today.

I knew then I should leave, but I couldn't (or so I thought). I was stuck in the comfort zone, being with someone I knew (even if it wasn't too great). I was scared of being alone and didn't begin to know how to "date". Eventually I realized facing those fears would be a lot better than being in a relationship that was making me miserable.

It would be nice if we could just walk away when we don't feel happy anymore, and when we know we should - but some of us never leave that easy for some reason. It generally takes something big for us to realize it's time to say good bye (or getting tired of the same old thing and realizing it's never gonna change).

But the truth is - once we figure out there's life out there, and we go and find it - It may be a little tough and maybe a little lonely at first, but it is SO much better, and the mind, body and soul feels SO much better.

I think I am in the "Sick and tired of being sick and tired " mode. I'm almost there... Just realize I can do it on my own, and I owe myself the chance to be happy.

I just need to be strong.

Woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

Dear dad....

You are here, but you have found your own way.

On this day, I wish you nothing but happiness.
May you find what you are looking for...

54

Love = Oxygen

You get too high when you get too much, you will die if you don't get enough.

(I heard that pride always comes before a fall.)

Very well then, I'm dying.

The highway, the pariah and the road user....

My journey going back to my hometown last Saturday through the North-South Highway was not a joyride at all, despite the excitement that I had in me to see my new born niece. The fact that I left Ampang at 5pm made it worst as I had to drive like a hurricane to be at my mother's home just in time to break fast with her. Poor time management, I must say. And, wisely thought a bad idea, it was not a smooth ride heading to Seremban as I was trapped in almost one hour bumper to bumper crawling traffic as upgrading works were in place.

Man, I was so damn pissed off! I mean, it has been speculated for weeks and later confirmed by the pariah (execuse me for my language) that for next year the toll rate is going to be increased and man, look what sort of bad traffic condition they provide to the highway users! Shouldn't the pariah and Government consider the fact that every single thing in this country particularly and the whole world generally has been rising while the condition of their subject matters has been declining from one day to the next? And why on earth, at this very moment must they do the repairing works? Why do they have to constantly upgrading the highway and pass the bill to the users with increment every now and then? Why can't they do it right at the very first time? Why do they have to make my life particularly and the other highway users generally, difficult?

I, for one, am so tired with all these stupid reasons by the (ir)responsible, cocky, greedy pariah that the rise would take into account the hardship the people is going through right now and that the Government cannot afford to compensate the highway concession firm if we were to opt for not having a toll rate rise. What a lame reason! I mean, the same reasons have been used over and over again to rationalize the hike. Being the so-called powerful government,I am very much fascinated that it is powerless when it comes to this one particular matter. Why can't the Government use its power to review the agreement with the firm? It makes me wonder which party does the Government represents; the people's or the private entity's interests?

The main reason why we use the highway is for the convenience - time saving, smooth, jamless traffic. So we don't mind to pay. But why must we pay if we caught up in the crawling traffic? That is so irritating! And here, I have yet to touch on the federal roads, which is even worst! People from the remote part of Negri (which I came from) have been waiting forever to get a proper route instead of the winding, narrow road along Bukit Putus.

So, as the result, I reached my mother's home 10 minutes after Maghrib, feeling so stressful. A supposed to be an hour and a half journey ended up as two and a half hour stressful, mad affair!

Must I share my experience heading back to KL later on Sunday....?

Close my eyes

Now, if I close my eyes and take a moment and drift away, I can almost feel your lips against mine.

But now it's just too late. I can't reach you, we've drifted out too far. I don't know where has love gone or how we might have saved it, but all I know is it has gone.

It's time that we moved on, because it's too late.

That night (Sept 23)...

I saw you at the party. You were so warm but I was so cold. I secretly wished you wouldn't say 'hi' to me but you did.

"Nice to see you again, after such a long time."

-Yeah, whatever!-

You are my miracle....

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open..wide open

October 5, 2006

All I want is to be free....

All this while in my whole life I have been following signs on many routes, trying to find what is right and do what I have been told. But sometimes the line is crossed and I can never go back home. I am always on the go, been here and there looking for something more for me to call my own. But up to this moment I have found that life was cold as a whole, I have never belonged. I want to show to the rest of the world that I'm alive, to be free because a new day is dawning, and to live my life without worries and warning. I really want to know and see what it is like on the other side. I only want to be me; I am not what I am not; I don't need people to say I need changes.

I have been through a lot. Now it is time for me to search what love is all about for real, and all that I have lived without.

I am a sturdy tree

I have seen a thousand seasons, still shed my leaves in winter. Come spring I grow them back, to welcome life again, to welcome new love.

When the day that's gray and lonely I just stick out my chin and smile. Come what may,the sun will come out tomorrow.

What a journey it has been. So goes my life.

As The End Draws Near

Into the valleys
The shadow of death griefs silently across the darkened sea
This is it, we stand alone

We can see it all from here
The starless night across the mountain side
No one left to talk to, there's nothing left to say

You and me
We stand alone
We can see it all from here
Stretched far and wide

The barren skies fighting a silence from deep inside

Underneath this skin you will find someone else...

I walk into that cloud again, watching my moon and blue sun slip away. The sky has fallen on my yesterday and I have once again lost myself. The table has turned on the game I play and this poor little man has lost his way today.

With the hollow, all this time it's breaking me and taken it's toll on me. I'm sorry that all I have got is just not enough to keep me satisfied. No matter how we try to keep it tied, this knot has come undone.

But starting today I'm not going to worry about yesterday and tomorrow, I'm not going to waste another moment. I'll wash away all these tears that's left me feeling blue. The moments of truth unfold in the meaning of love. And now that the war is over, I feel like I'm coming home again.

"Oh well, I got nothing left to sell
This love was a bell that rang unheard in the air
I was bound to find out that you didn't care
Oh well, sometimes it be that way"

There goes my heart again

I look at myself in the mirror, where do I belong? Yearning for the seemingly impossible, that space inside remains empty still. Try as I may I still have not found what I'm looking and wishing for.

When we first met, you told me exactly how it would be that you couldn't spend all your time with me. But as the time went by I started feeling strange, something that was deep in my heart, something I can't explain. I cried, you weren't there when I needed you just to feel your touch. Time after time, how many times do I have to give in? I could not afford another breakdown.

"Swept me away but now I'm lost in the dark
Set me on fire but now I'm left with a spark"

I'm through thinking of things to say to you. I've said enough and so have you. I'm lost inside the paradise, I must have been all alone in love.
I've lost hope, and I'm giving up.
Now I've realized that I've got to move on.
It might be hard, but I got to move on...

None

Take with you all our memories
Forget all about the berries and cherries
There is nothing more to cherish
Because you left me in anguish

I am now so much stronger
When you look at me
I am now so much better
You will think of me

And I thought you love me more than you do....

Saying I love you is like jumping into a hot soup! It's a curse!

Once you utter the magic words, you literally set a boundary between you and them, leaving them in the comfort zone while exposing yourself to the danger of insecurities. It's better left unsaid, for people tend to take you for granted once you tell them that you love them. You'll burn yourself when your basic needs couldn't be met, and you'll get frustrated. You talk, you let them know what you feel but they just don't want to listen to your needs. They expect you to fully comprehend, but they refuse to see what you see. They would rather keep you with them, fully aware of their inability to attend to your needs, leaving you feeling hurt and desperate and wanting. You beg for love, for attention and passion but still they refuse to give and hurt you more. Where are you heading to? Nowhere. So what's the point of going through that over and over again just to be hurt?

I'm tired of waiting, I swear. I refuse to go back to that phase. I refuse to be treated like a beggar. I refuse to be a love pariah. No more!
So that's the end of it.

As the sun goes down, another love story ends.

You know.....

.... I've been thinking.

You're incredible, so irresistible. And it is undeniable.
I think I have been falling in love with you!

You caught my eyes and then you grabbed my heart right away. I felt your good vibrations right from the start and I can't seem to bring myself to say the words to you.

Contemplating, constantly debating, but I'm so in love. I don't want to move too fast, I want to make sure that this is going to last.

I just think it is too easy to know that there is always someone who loves you for who you are, deeply. And, you tend to take them for granted, knowing they will always be there to love you no matter how ridiculous you behave.
I'm sorry for taking you and your feelings for granted.

I've been afraid to tell you. But I hope you want me too...

In the state of......

M I S E R Y mis·er·y (mz-r)
[Middle English miserie, from Old French, from Latin miseria, from miser, wretched.]

"Our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances"
Martha Washington

n. pl. mis·er·ies
1. a. The state of suffering and want as a result of physical circumstances.
1. b. Mental or emotional unhappiness or distress.
2. A cause or source of suffering.
3. Informal A physical ache or ailment.

Thesaurus
Noun
1.
misery - a state of ill-being due to affliction or misfortune; "the misery and wretchedness of those slums is intolerable"
wretchedness
ill-being - lack of prosperity or happiness or health
concentration camp - a situation characterized by crowding and extremely harsh conditions
living death - a state of constant misery
woe, suffering - misery resulting from affliction

2.
misery - a feeling of intense unhappiness; "she was exhausted by her misery and grief"
sadness, unhappiness - emotions experienced when not in a state of well-being

Hey, you...

It has been a while since the last time we met. You've been quiet since, and I've been missing you like you're gone already. But the way you smiles tell me that you could see that maybe we were two of a kind. And I don't think I'll ever get you off of my mind.

Heaven knows that I'm no angel, just flesh and bone like all the rest. If you ask me, no, I won't ever walk on fire but I can only love you like a man. All I can give you is my best.

Now things are feeling fine. Look all around us, there's nothing but blue skies; gone are the dark clouds that had us down. So please take my life and make it real.

Quit this silence, I'm missing you more than you could ever know....

Brokeback Mountain

By E. Annie Proulx
Copyright (c) 1999 by Dead Line, Ltd.


"I ain't no queer"
"Me neither. A one-shot thing. Nobody's business but ours."

The fourth summer since Brokeback Mountain.....
Friend, this letter is a long time over due. Hope you get it. Heard you was in Riverton. I'm coming thru on the 24th, thought I'd stop and buy you a beer. Drop me a line if you can, say if you're there.
You bet!

"Old Brokeback got us good and it sure ain't over."

The closet was a shallow cavity with a wooden rod braced across, a faded cretonne curtain on a string closing it off from the rest of the room. In the closet hung two pairs of jeans crease-ironed and folded neatly over wire hangers, on the floor a pair of worn packer boots he thought he remembered.

At the north end of the closet a tiny jog in the wall made a slight hiding place and here, stiff with long suspension from a nail, hung a shirt.

He lifted it off the nail. Jack's old shirt from Brokeback days. The dried blood on the sleeve was his own blood, a gushing nosebleed on the last afternoon on the mountain when Jack, in their contortionistic grappling and wrestling, had slammed Ennis's nose hard with his knee. He had staunched the blood which was everywhere, all over both of them, with his shirtsleeve, but the staunching hadn't held because Ennis had suddenly swung from the deck and laid the ministering angel out in the wild columbine, wings folded.

The shirt seemed heavy until he saw there was another shirt inside it, the sleeves carefully worked down inside Jack's sleeves. It was his own plaid shirt, lost, he'd thought, long ago in some damn laundry, his dirty shirt, the pocket ripped, buttons missing, stolen by Jack and hidden here inside Jack's own shirt, the pair like two skins, one inside the other, two in one.

He pressed his face into the fabric and breathed in slowly through his mouth and nose, hoping for the faintest smoke and mountain sage and salty sweet stink of Jack but there was no real scent, only the memory of it, the imagined power of Brokeback Mountain of which nothing was left but what he held in his hands.

Postcard "Scene a Brokeback Mountain." -- thirty cents -- he pinned it up in his trailer, brass-headed tack in each corner. Below it he drove a nail and on the nail he hung the wire hanger and the two old shirts suspended from it. He stepped back and looked at the ensemble through a few stinging tears.

Around that time Jack began to appear in his dreams, Jack as he had first seen him, curly-headed and smiling and bucktoothed, talking about getting up off his pockets and into the control zone, but the can of beans with the spoon handle jutting out and balanced on the log was there as well, in a cartoon shape and lurid colors that gave the dreams a flavor of comic obscenity. The spoon handle was the kind that could be used as a tire iron.

And he would wake sometimes in grief, sometimes with the old sense of joy and release; the pillow sometimes wet, sometimes the sheets. There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.

"Jack, I swear -- "

Sometimes it's easier to give up than cry and keep on living in those lies...

It was all those things you said to me, it was all those lies I believed in. I guess now that you stand higher than anyone else in this world, so fragile that it's hard to touch you, so pure and so beautiful, it was all so hard to see (or I was too blind to be).

Killing me in your heart; love is gone, the deepest touch and all is done.My speeding heart is overloaded. I got to know what's going on.(My baby cheated on me. The whole world turned its back on me. He left me here in this misery. In my deepest fears,I lost my love.)

I thought that we had fallen in love. But somehow I felt the thousand nails in my heart; so deep that I couldn't scream, so deep that I couldn't even breathe. It was all those things you said to me. Every lie that you made me believe... It was all so beautiful, so bright and true.

My eyes staring at you, watching it all go wrong.

It's a troubled heart and a troubled mind

He is in my shadow everywhere I go. I'm walking on a thin line, when I turn around there's no one there.It's a real bad sign; a fool in love with a fool that never cared...

Now that I'm all alone and scared to stay, I'm slowly going out of my mind. How could I be so blind to those pretty lies and alibis?

"Are you the keeper to the gates of wisdom?"
-Yes. I am.-
"Please let me in, I just can't go through another heartache again."

Everywhere I look the sun is shining, but it's always raining here inside. He was my strongest weakness (to whom I surrendered my heart and soul). Until I regain control, it's gonna be a long, long time to heal. I'm afraid he'll always be.

I'm a prisoner, held captive by his memory...

I gave my faithful heart to someone. I could never understand how he held my little world in the palm of his hand. So if this pain will ever end, will I be afraid to risk it all to ever fall in love again? Now he's gone and life goes on.

And so it goes .... another lesson gets learned
And in the big book of experience, another page gets turned

Sayang kamu, rindu kamu, mau kamu! is nothing but a sweet lie.

How do I get out of this?

If ...
You gotta get into it before you get out of it
And you gotta get out of it before you get into it....

Now what?

You have to get into something before you reject it. You don't know what something is like or what someone is all about until you experience it or talk to them yourself. And you have to step away from something that's bad for you until it's too late.

When you know it's wrong and you want to get your life back to normal, you gotta get out before it takes hold of you.

What's happening to me...?

Dear Dear...

I bumped into you and your friends that night as I was driving home, I knew.
I am sorry that I did not stop for a hello, nor did I look into your eyes and perhaps wink at you.
I didn't just think I can. Call me coward, I don't care.

But I knew you knew.
I'm hurt. Still.

By your side

Like a child again,I'm at a loss for words.

How does one define a crush combined with longing?

...in my life...

I've seen a lot of good times in my life, times when everything went so right. Seen a lot of things go wrong and I just don’t know why. Now that I’ve seen a lot of good times in my life, I had a bit of sadness in my life.

A friend of mine went down the other night, tried to sort it out. But now I just don’t know why I’ve had a bit of sadness in my life.

You see, I am a lonely, lonely, man. And what I got, I got together with my own two hands.

I wonder what am I gonna do to put things right. I’ve taken lots of chances in my life. Now one of them has changed me overnight, I’ve seen a glimpse of the other side. The lights are much too bright.

I got to do something with my life, got to make a change and put up a fight, stand on my own two feet and do it right.

A quest to loneliness

Loneliness amidst people, happy when I am alone. Still, very popular among people.What's the reason?

Loneliness amidst people - Even when I am among my closest friends, I am still faced by the solemn fact that no one will ever completely know or understand me.

We all want to be understood, right? But no one will ever understand us... Sometimes, we don't even understand ourselves! When we can't be understood, when we start realizing that fact, when even our closest friends don't and can't understand... This leads to a despairing loneliness amidst people.

Happy when I'm alone - Solitude can take us away from life's bustle, away from the people that can't understand, away from the daily distractions. When we get away from those, our mind can calm down and think clearly. When we are calm and our mind is clear, it is more peaceful, and this peace, though temporary, can bring happiness to some extent.

I feel lonely most of the time - hence I talk and sing to myself, a lot. I guess it's because I put up strong defenses against people, which isolates me, but keeps me protected from being hurt. And I'm afraid that people won't like me.

What a bummer....!

It's fiction! Who cares anyway...?

Jackson Square Jazz is a gay-theme fiction that I read recently, written by Greg Herren. It's a tale about one slut Scotty, a former go-go boy in New Orleans who cracked a long unsolved crime through a scintilla of clairvoyance and some dog-eared tarot cards.

Reading the book, I am quite moved and inspired by Scotty's FBI boyfriend, Frank, who was living in DC and still believed in monogamous relationship between two men. Frank, after Scotty's one-week visit to his place in DC, was trying so hard to get in touch with him through never-picked-up phone calls and unreplied e-mails.

Moved, when I read his e-mail to Scotty, I did not give myself a second thought to republish it here in my previous post (Friday, June 30, 2006).....!

"My sweet love:

I'm starting to get a little concerned. I've called a couple of times and only get your voicemail, and this is the third letter I've sent since you left the other day, and you have yet to answer any of them. What's going on?

I realize I may be overreacting - I don't have a lot of experience with this relationship business - but I had such a great time with you here last week. It broke my heart to take you to the airport Friday - I wanted you to stay badly. I love you, Baby, and having you here with me only convinced me how right we are for each other.

That's why I am so nervous about not hearing from you...did I do or say something wrong? Did I piss you off in some way? Please know that if I did, it was certainly not my intent, and please accept my apology. I love you so very much - I can't imagine life without you now, Baby. Please let me know everything is okay.

Please.

With all my love,
Your Baby"

This e-mail wrote by Frank to Scotty can be found in Chapter 10, page 105-106 of the book.

Now, perhaps next time a simple question like,
"Hey, I happened to know something about you and now I'm confused and I demand an explanation. Do you want to tell me about it?"
might help instead of SMS:
"I hate you! I was so stupid to let go the one who loves me damn much to be with you, you fucking liar!"
That, out of a sudden and blurry.


Phew! Lega sudah....

Manager MISC, ok tak?

(Edited because of some silly misunderstandings)

This is an excerpt from "Jackson Square Jazz", written by Greg Herren.

I woke up alone at seven in the morning.
He was gone.
Again.
Big surprise, right?
Terrific. In my mind I heard the words, I will not be ignored, Baby.

My sweet love:

I'm starting to get a little concerned. I've called a couple of times and only get your voicemail, and this is the third letter I've sent since you left the other day, and you have yet to answer any of them. What's going on?

I realize I may be overreacting - I don't have a lot of experience with this relationship business - but I had such a great time with you here last week. It broke my heart to take you to the airport Friday - I wanted you to stay badly. I love you, Baby, and having you here with me only convinced me how right we are for each other.

That's why I am so nervous about not hearing from you...did I do or say something wrong? Did I piss you off in some way? Please know that if I did, it was certainly not my intent, and please accept my apology. I love you so very much - I can't imagine life without you now, Baby. Please let me know everything is okay.

Please.

With all my love,
Your Baby

"Jackson Square Jazz"

If only I could....

Just when I believed I couldn't ever want for more, this ever changing world pushes me through another door. I saw you smile and my mind could not erase the beauty of your face. Just for awhile, won't you let me shelter you?

Hold on to the nights, hold on to the memories
I wish that I could give you something more
That I could be yours....

How do we explain something that took us by surprise? Promises in vain, love that is real but in disguise. What happens now? Do we break another rule, let our lovers play the fool? I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

Hold on to the nights, hold on to the memories
If only I could give you more...

Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me. And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free. Everytime I look into your eyes, I'm helplessly aware that the someone I've been searching for is right there....

We could be in love....

Be still my heart
Lately its mind is on it's own
It would go far and wide
Just to be near you

Even the stars
Shine a bit bright
I've noticed
When you're close to me

Still it remains a mystery

Anyone who seen us
Knows what's going on between us
It doesn't take a genius
To read between the lines
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

I ask myself why
I sleep like a baby through the night
Maybe it helps to know
you'll be there tomorrow

Don't open my eyes
I'll wake from the spell I'm under
Makes me wonder how
Tell me how
I could live without you now

And what about the laughter
The happy ever after
Like voices of sweet angels
Calling out our names
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

All my life I have dreamed of this
But I could not see your face
Don't ask why two such distant stars
Can fall right into place.........

It's just good-bye...

The sweetest songs fade to echoes in the wind. The best of times must end, so a new day can begin and the dreams we dream that seem so real at night must meet the morning light and vanish from our sight.

Time was never on our side, we walked the road together and we came to the end. I won’t tell you not to cry, but I swear that what we had won’t die. I close my eyes and I still can see your face. I know the truth of us can’t be bound by time or space. And the joy that we shared, the magic that we’ve known is something that we own, though we may be alone.

It is not over. It doesn’t really matter why. I know what we had can never die, because I’ll always love you. Yes, I do.

So, it’s just good-bye.

The sun will come out, tomorrow
So you gotta hang on ’til tomorrow
Come what may...

It's called Daisy...

An action thriller written by Jae-young Kwak

Directed by Andrew Lau with: Jeon Ji Hyeon, Jung Woo-Sung, Lee Sung-Jae,Simon Yam, David Chiang, Min-sik Choi, Jang Hyuk

The flowers in "Daisy" as used as symbols for good and evil - white daisies for pure love, and black tulips for murder. It brings across the message that not everything that is beautiful is good, but what is meant for good, when done wrongly or at the wrong time, could lead to great disaster.

"Daisy" is unmistakably a sorrowful film, one that tells the tale of a love triangle that doesn't really promise a happily-ever-after ending. It is a romantic movie that also has other non-sentimental things, like crime, thrills and action, making this quite an un-ordinary romance tale.

Synopsis

It is autumn in Amsterdam. A man with a cold soul who smells of gun powder and a man as warm as the sunshine meet a very special woman. The woman is Hye-young (starring Jeon Ji-hyun), a young Korean artist who paints portraits in the city square, while dreaming of one day holding a solo exhibition of her works. She is a stranger in this city, and Hye-young’s only source of strength is the memory of her first love.

Then she meets a new man - well, almost meets him, she never really sees his face but after giving him a drawing of a daisy, he responds by having a pot of daisies delivered to her door every day. Could this be the start of a new love for the lonely young artist? At the same time, however, a second man enters Hye-young’s life, a stranger who keeps coming to her, asking her to draw his portrait.

That man she has been drawing is Jung-woo (starring Lee Sung-jae), an international agent based in Amsterdam. He first approached Hye-young, while in the line of duty, but was immediately mesmerized by her charms and beauty. She quickly assumed that he was the one giving her daisies and begins to fall for him. Jung-woo knows that he is not the one in Hye-young’s heart, but he feels he must remain quiet about the truth or lose her love forever.

Park Yi (starring Jung Woo-sung, really cute!) is really the one giving her flowers, the man Hye-young has been waiting for. He is forced to watch painfully as Hye-young and Jung-woo nurtured their love, unable to intervene - being an assassin, Yi is forbidden to have emotions and weaknesses such as love.

Finally, destiny brings all of their paths together, when Yi gets his next assignment for assassination - and discovers it is Jung-woo.

It's aching....

"My dear,

I'm just imagining and wishing if you were here.

This heart is whining inside, has no clue about how to help himself. Your love keeps me up every night. Whenever I walk in the crowd alone, I bow my head and shed a tear, for your vision is still there. I feel that you are walking away from me...but suddenly you stop, you turn back and then you gaze at me and draw a shiny smile on your face to dry my tears, to tell me that we'll never be apart...
(yeah, yeah, we'll never be apart!!!)

Late at night I walk alone in the dark. I look up at the sky, I see a glaring moon, I see you inside sending your whispers to heal my wounds, assuring me that I'll follow you soon...
(yeah, yeah, I'll follow you soon!!!)

As I walk on the beach barefooted, as the fresh breeze plays with my hair softly, as I hear the sea gull's sounds, as I follow your footprints, as u take my hand and walk beside me, as I feel your warm touch *squeezing*... as you sustain me with an unspoken language, I raise my head and feel a special new ray of hope...
(yeah, yeah, there'll be a new ray of hope!!)

Why do I feel that you're my angel?
Why do I feel that you're my only light in this dark room?
Why do I need to see your smile and you only brought me pain?
Why do I always write about you and you never mention that you still care?
Why can't I ignore you?
Why has everything turned out wrong?"

I LOVE YOU <- doesn't it mean anything to you...?

............................................................

You came, demanded me to love you, you conquered me and then you left feeling insecure about having me beside you, just like that.

(You said you can never compete me...I am high up above you...what the hell is that?? What the fuck?? Since when love has become a competition??)

What did I do?

Talking about bull shit.

Whatever!




-buruknya orang tua merajuk!-

It's been a while....

Indeed.

So many things happened in these few days.Some changes had took place, some part of me still remain intact.I chose them.And I'm still alive, safe and sound.

There are lots of things to say and tell.But perhaps something special should remain untold.

Most of all,I've found you.And I treasure you.The best that I could,as I promised.

"Be mine....(this time for good)"
"Yes...."

And I love you so!

It's the end...

I hate you for the good things that you did to me.
I hate you for the sweet things that you said to me.
I hate you for the fact that you hurt me to the bottom.
I hate you for telling lies to my face about you sharing the same feeling with me.

I hate you for everything that you did to me.
I hate you for it's over now.

I used to love you, but now I don't anymore.

I now hate you. Really!

It's confusing....! Why are you doing this to me?

Z, Z marah sangat dekat A? Benci sangat dengan A?
No I don't (I missed you loads).
Then? Z,you didn't even look at me.
It doesn't matter.You have loads of other people looking at you (in the club and you enjoy the attention people gave to you).
I don't know them. But I know you. That does matter to me.
Why are you doing this (sweet talking)...?
Doing what? I'm trying to be your friend. Don't you feel weird when you knew someone,spent your time together with him,went dinner together with him,looking at him when he sleep, then jumpa buat tak tau?
I thought that meant nothing to you. I thought that's what you do to other people too. Forgive me, but I thought you misled me into believing something I shouldn't even think of in the first place. How stupid I am! (I thought I heard you said that you love me!)
I'm sorry if I've misled you, but that is not my intention. And stop judging me based on your anger.
(Oh, so now I'm being judgmental...? And what was your intention? What did those hugs and kisses meant to you?) So what do you want me to do now?
I just want you to stop hating me, accept me as your friend at least.
If you only knew how much pain you have caused me, then perhaps you will understand why I can't even look at you. I still love you and I can't hate you, but damage has been done, heart has been broken. I wish we didn't go this far but we did. It shouldn't be this way, and I regret it (to know you and ending it up like this. You gave me hope and yet you hurt me...).

-Don't be afraid to love again. Don't let the past rule your future. One might not understand you unless you share. What is life without love?-

It's him....

He has no idea of what I have been through...of how much hurt he had caused me...of my struggling in life to move on without him...of how hard I try not to have him rule my every day...of as hard as I try to forget him, I still can't.

He has no idea that I do not know how to trust people anymore...that I do not know how to love anymore...that I do not know how to hate him so that I can move on...that I am tired of trying.

He has no idea of how afraid I am to love again.

He absolutely has no idea. At all.

And I am in total despair, because of him.
Does he know that?
No, of course he does not.