Leo...

Nice to see you again. After, maybe 5-6 months? You called me last time and you said you would call again to ask me out for supper. Of course you didn't call. But that's ok.

You really caught me by surprise. I mean, I didn't expect you would call the very next day after we met that night. Judging from the past, we would end up be meeting up at the unexpected places few months later and you would be with different people, of course. And we will keep on blaming each other for not having the guts to make the first move and so on. Hey, do you still remember that incident in IKEA? That was funny, huh.

You still haven't changed much personally, playful and wittyly charming. I am glad. Your new kitchen and bathroom, love it! Those, I must say, the only changes I have seen so far. And the instant noodle you cooked last night was a real kick! You are such a good cook. Haha.

I don't know what is going to happen next, but I'll just leave it to the hands of God. Same here, hope to see you again!

W H Y M E ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Story of Red Roses

I did something selfish and stupid on Saturday. But my own stupidity was an eye opener to me.

For one, I discovered the only thing that I want for myself, that I all this while have been denying all along. I could not afford to lose it anymore and I want to live and die with it.

Secondly, while packing, I found the answer to my own unanswerable question:
June 9, 2004.

"If red is love, then love it shall be."

And the red roses bloomed in my heart since...

My life, my job and the library...

I'm in the library now.

I remember still when I was in secondary school, the school library is the most sought after place to go for evening prep class. Mainly because it is air conditioned, more quiet, and when you are cold you can rub your shoulder and put your legs onto the person sitting next to you, whom normally would be ehem, your 'closest friend'. I would try at my best effort to be among the first to get into the library to reserve the best seats. Unfortunately, cruising was not in my dictionary at that time although I must say the opportunities that came were so wide opened and overwhelming. Oh, such a loss!

This is my third day working as a part time librarian here at a local college in KL, and things are going well so far. Well, the fact that there is little work to do here (almost none) besides doing some books arranging (I should have tried on flowers instead) and ‘xerox’-ing for the lecturers and students, I'm yet to face the bigger challenges; if handling the 'spoiled brat' is not part of it. Since this is a small college library with a small number of students and academic staff, obviously there's nothing much to be done. Actually, my school library is a lot better than the place i'm working now!

Not quite a good and interesting job actually, but at least I don't have to feel sorry for my pathetic life, for being alone at home after work with nothing else to do than having sex or, well, masturbating. Good goddess, whatever had happen to the days when I used to hang out with friends after work having a drink or two, window shopping, dinner, karaoke-ing, and even a short (sometimes long) trip to saunas? Where has all the cowboys gone? Am I not that happening anymore? Or have I turned myself into a lonesome, attention-craving person? Or even a sex maniac? Urrgghhh!

Something is totally wrong with me and I am already 23 (no kidding)!

Fact is, I need the extra money. My expenses are rocketing higher and higher but my pay is getting lesser and lesser. My buying power as well as my pocket is shrinking. I’m going to die as a penniless person if not a bankrupt! I might have to walk from one place to another on bare feet for not having the money to buy petrol for my car or even for the bus fare. I could be seen as one of those skeleton junkies roaming on the back lane searching for leftovers in the garbage bin. I could be thrown out of my house as I cannot afford to pay the rental. My still under construction house would be auctioned off for not meeting the monthly mortgage plan. I would end up being a beggar on the street like the one I saw many years ago while dining at the stalls in Bangsar with my now distant friends (well, at least he can afford to buy the 1901 hotdog by begging for living!). And I might not have money left for my sister to hold prayer for my lost soul, or even for the batu nisan on my grave! Thank god we don't have to pay for a piece of land to be buried...

Oh my goddess, is that me?!

You see, this is the result of having too much time for my own self thinking about rubbish and day dreaming about nothing until it kills the common sense in me. I might be presented with a simple ‘A’, but I will go deeper wondering if it is an 'a' or ‘A’, what color, type of font, size, Italic, bold, the origin, why A not B, and so the list goes. Silly, eh?

Well, maybe I should work and stay longer in the library and get my head brushed up. After all, I can use the Net at no cost.
Wise, no?

Triangle Love (from LPG-community....)

Dear friends.. Good to hear all this situation.

Love is just a matter of something and how you look at it. I am just wondering, would it be nice if I can love few persons in one time. But just then I realize. sometimes I am just too sellfish of doing all this loving 2 person in the same time. May i rather love them as friends more than any others.. I rather be a slut cause I still cannot commit. What is fate? I dun know.. when i take them as friends.. I care them more then lover.. I enjoy being with them more than lover~~~~ So what so important of being lover.. this and that..

Dear Darling.. I have to say if u say i am rude.. u are just wanting them for sex, not love.. u wish to be so selfish enuff... to hold them to you. Try to take one of them as friends rather than lover or this that..... I think things works more than any...remember all this... if u dun take triangle love seriously ALL PARTIES HURT

Did you ever know you need to move but are afraid to?

I do. In fact, I've been there. Today.

I knew then I should leave, but I couldn't (or so I thought). I was stuck in the comfort zone, being with someone I knew (even if it wasn't too great). I was scared of being alone and didn't begin to know how to "date". Eventually I realized facing those fears would be a lot better than being in a relationship that was making me miserable.

It would be nice if we could just walk away when we don't feel happy anymore, and when we know we should - but some of us never leave that easy for some reason. It generally takes something big for us to realize it's time to say good bye (or getting tired of the same old thing and realizing it's never gonna change).

But the truth is - once we figure out there's life out there, and we go and find it - It may be a little tough and maybe a little lonely at first, but it is SO much better, and the mind, body and soul feels SO much better.

I think I am in the "Sick and tired of being sick and tired " mode. I'm almost there... Just realize I can do it on my own, and I owe myself the chance to be happy.

I just need to be strong.

Woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

Dear dad....

You are here, but you have found your own way.

On this day, I wish you nothing but happiness.
May you find what you are looking for...

54

Love = Oxygen

You get too high when you get too much, you will die if you don't get enough.

(I heard that pride always comes before a fall.)

Very well then, I'm dying.

The highway, the pariah and the road user....

My journey going back to my hometown last Saturday through the North-South Highway was not a joyride at all, despite the excitement that I had in me to see my new born niece. The fact that I left Ampang at 5pm made it worst as I had to drive like a hurricane to be at my mother's home just in time to break fast with her. Poor time management, I must say. And, wisely thought a bad idea, it was not a smooth ride heading to Seremban as I was trapped in almost one hour bumper to bumper crawling traffic as upgrading works were in place.

Man, I was so damn pissed off! I mean, it has been speculated for weeks and later confirmed by the pariah (execuse me for my language) that for next year the toll rate is going to be increased and man, look what sort of bad traffic condition they provide to the highway users! Shouldn't the pariah and Government consider the fact that every single thing in this country particularly and the whole world generally has been rising while the condition of their subject matters has been declining from one day to the next? And why on earth, at this very moment must they do the repairing works? Why do they have to constantly upgrading the highway and pass the bill to the users with increment every now and then? Why can't they do it right at the very first time? Why do they have to make my life particularly and the other highway users generally, difficult?

I, for one, am so tired with all these stupid reasons by the (ir)responsible, cocky, greedy pariah that the rise would take into account the hardship the people is going through right now and that the Government cannot afford to compensate the highway concession firm if we were to opt for not having a toll rate rise. What a lame reason! I mean, the same reasons have been used over and over again to rationalize the hike. Being the so-called powerful government,I am very much fascinated that it is powerless when it comes to this one particular matter. Why can't the Government use its power to review the agreement with the firm? It makes me wonder which party does the Government represents; the people's or the private entity's interests?

The main reason why we use the highway is for the convenience - time saving, smooth, jamless traffic. So we don't mind to pay. But why must we pay if we caught up in the crawling traffic? That is so irritating! And here, I have yet to touch on the federal roads, which is even worst! People from the remote part of Negri (which I came from) have been waiting forever to get a proper route instead of the winding, narrow road along Bukit Putus.

So, as the result, I reached my mother's home 10 minutes after Maghrib, feeling so stressful. A supposed to be an hour and a half journey ended up as two and a half hour stressful, mad affair!

Must I share my experience heading back to KL later on Sunday....?

Close my eyes

Now, if I close my eyes and take a moment and drift away, I can almost feel your lips against mine.

But now it's just too late. I can't reach you, we've drifted out too far. I don't know where has love gone or how we might have saved it, but all I know is it has gone.

It's time that we moved on, because it's too late.

That night (Sept 23)...

I saw you at the party. You were so warm but I was so cold. I secretly wished you wouldn't say 'hi' to me but you did.

"Nice to see you again, after such a long time."

-Yeah, whatever!-

You are my miracle....

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open..wide open

October 5, 2006

All I want is to be free....

All this while in my whole life I have been following signs on many routes, trying to find what is right and do what I have been told. But sometimes the line is crossed and I can never go back home. I am always on the go, been here and there looking for something more for me to call my own. But up to this moment I have found that life was cold as a whole, I have never belonged. I want to show to the rest of the world that I'm alive, to be free because a new day is dawning, and to live my life without worries and warning. I really want to know and see what it is like on the other side. I only want to be me; I am not what I am not; I don't need people to say I need changes.

I have been through a lot. Now it is time for me to search what love is all about for real, and all that I have lived without.

I am a sturdy tree

I have seen a thousand seasons, still shed my leaves in winter. Come spring I grow them back, to welcome life again, to welcome new love.

When the day that's gray and lonely I just stick out my chin and smile. Come what may,the sun will come out tomorrow.

What a journey it has been. So goes my life.

As The End Draws Near

Into the valleys
The shadow of death griefs silently across the darkened sea
This is it, we stand alone

We can see it all from here
The starless night across the mountain side
No one left to talk to, there's nothing left to say

You and me
We stand alone
We can see it all from here
Stretched far and wide

The barren skies fighting a silence from deep inside

Underneath this skin you will find someone else...

I walk into that cloud again, watching my moon and blue sun slip away. The sky has fallen on my yesterday and I have once again lost myself. The table has turned on the game I play and this poor little man has lost his way today.

With the hollow, all this time it's breaking me and taken it's toll on me. I'm sorry that all I have got is just not enough to keep me satisfied. No matter how we try to keep it tied, this knot has come undone.

But starting today I'm not going to worry about yesterday and tomorrow, I'm not going to waste another moment. I'll wash away all these tears that's left me feeling blue. The moments of truth unfold in the meaning of love. And now that the war is over, I feel like I'm coming home again.

"Oh well, I got nothing left to sell
This love was a bell that rang unheard in the air
I was bound to find out that you didn't care
Oh well, sometimes it be that way"

There goes my heart again

I look at myself in the mirror, where do I belong? Yearning for the seemingly impossible, that space inside remains empty still. Try as I may I still have not found what I'm looking and wishing for.

When we first met, you told me exactly how it would be that you couldn't spend all your time with me. But as the time went by I started feeling strange, something that was deep in my heart, something I can't explain. I cried, you weren't there when I needed you just to feel your touch. Time after time, how many times do I have to give in? I could not afford another breakdown.

"Swept me away but now I'm lost in the dark
Set me on fire but now I'm left with a spark"

I'm through thinking of things to say to you. I've said enough and so have you. I'm lost inside the paradise, I must have been all alone in love.
I've lost hope, and I'm giving up.
Now I've realized that I've got to move on.
It might be hard, but I got to move on...

None

Take with you all our memories
Forget all about the berries and cherries
There is nothing more to cherish
Because you left me in anguish

I am now so much stronger
When you look at me
I am now so much better
You will think of me

And I thought you love me more than you do....

Saying I love you is like jumping into a hot soup! It's a curse!

Once you utter the magic words, you literally set a boundary between you and them, leaving them in the comfort zone while exposing yourself to the danger of insecurities. It's better left unsaid, for people tend to take you for granted once you tell them that you love them. You'll burn yourself when your basic needs couldn't be met, and you'll get frustrated. You talk, you let them know what you feel but they just don't want to listen to your needs. They expect you to fully comprehend, but they refuse to see what you see. They would rather keep you with them, fully aware of their inability to attend to your needs, leaving you feeling hurt and desperate and wanting. You beg for love, for attention and passion but still they refuse to give and hurt you more. Where are you heading to? Nowhere. So what's the point of going through that over and over again just to be hurt?

I'm tired of waiting, I swear. I refuse to go back to that phase. I refuse to be treated like a beggar. I refuse to be a love pariah. No more!
So that's the end of it.

As the sun goes down, another love story ends.

You know.....

.... I've been thinking.

You're incredible, so irresistible. And it is undeniable.
I think I have been falling in love with you!

You caught my eyes and then you grabbed my heart right away. I felt your good vibrations right from the start and I can't seem to bring myself to say the words to you.

Contemplating, constantly debating, but I'm so in love. I don't want to move too fast, I want to make sure that this is going to last.

I just think it is too easy to know that there is always someone who loves you for who you are, deeply. And, you tend to take them for granted, knowing they will always be there to love you no matter how ridiculous you behave.
I'm sorry for taking you and your feelings for granted.

I've been afraid to tell you. But I hope you want me too...

In the state of......

M I S E R Y mis·er·y (mz-r)
[Middle English miserie, from Old French, from Latin miseria, from miser, wretched.]

"Our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances"
Martha Washington

n. pl. mis·er·ies
1. a. The state of suffering and want as a result of physical circumstances.
1. b. Mental or emotional unhappiness or distress.
2. A cause or source of suffering.
3. Informal A physical ache or ailment.

Thesaurus
Noun
1.
misery - a state of ill-being due to affliction or misfortune; "the misery and wretchedness of those slums is intolerable"
wretchedness
ill-being - lack of prosperity or happiness or health
concentration camp - a situation characterized by crowding and extremely harsh conditions
living death - a state of constant misery
woe, suffering - misery resulting from affliction

2.
misery - a feeling of intense unhappiness; "she was exhausted by her misery and grief"
sadness, unhappiness - emotions experienced when not in a state of well-being

Hey, you...

It has been a while since the last time we met. You've been quiet since, and I've been missing you like you're gone already. But the way you smiles tell me that you could see that maybe we were two of a kind. And I don't think I'll ever get you off of my mind.

Heaven knows that I'm no angel, just flesh and bone like all the rest. If you ask me, no, I won't ever walk on fire but I can only love you like a man. All I can give you is my best.

Now things are feeling fine. Look all around us, there's nothing but blue skies; gone are the dark clouds that had us down. So please take my life and make it real.

Quit this silence, I'm missing you more than you could ever know....

Brokeback Mountain

By E. Annie Proulx
Copyright (c) 1999 by Dead Line, Ltd.


"I ain't no queer"
"Me neither. A one-shot thing. Nobody's business but ours."

The fourth summer since Brokeback Mountain.....
Friend, this letter is a long time over due. Hope you get it. Heard you was in Riverton. I'm coming thru on the 24th, thought I'd stop and buy you a beer. Drop me a line if you can, say if you're there.
You bet!

"Old Brokeback got us good and it sure ain't over."

The closet was a shallow cavity with a wooden rod braced across, a faded cretonne curtain on a string closing it off from the rest of the room. In the closet hung two pairs of jeans crease-ironed and folded neatly over wire hangers, on the floor a pair of worn packer boots he thought he remembered.

At the north end of the closet a tiny jog in the wall made a slight hiding place and here, stiff with long suspension from a nail, hung a shirt.

He lifted it off the nail. Jack's old shirt from Brokeback days. The dried blood on the sleeve was his own blood, a gushing nosebleed on the last afternoon on the mountain when Jack, in their contortionistic grappling and wrestling, had slammed Ennis's nose hard with his knee. He had staunched the blood which was everywhere, all over both of them, with his shirtsleeve, but the staunching hadn't held because Ennis had suddenly swung from the deck and laid the ministering angel out in the wild columbine, wings folded.

The shirt seemed heavy until he saw there was another shirt inside it, the sleeves carefully worked down inside Jack's sleeves. It was his own plaid shirt, lost, he'd thought, long ago in some damn laundry, his dirty shirt, the pocket ripped, buttons missing, stolen by Jack and hidden here inside Jack's own shirt, the pair like two skins, one inside the other, two in one.

He pressed his face into the fabric and breathed in slowly through his mouth and nose, hoping for the faintest smoke and mountain sage and salty sweet stink of Jack but there was no real scent, only the memory of it, the imagined power of Brokeback Mountain of which nothing was left but what he held in his hands.

Postcard "Scene a Brokeback Mountain." -- thirty cents -- he pinned it up in his trailer, brass-headed tack in each corner. Below it he drove a nail and on the nail he hung the wire hanger and the two old shirts suspended from it. He stepped back and looked at the ensemble through a few stinging tears.

Around that time Jack began to appear in his dreams, Jack as he had first seen him, curly-headed and smiling and bucktoothed, talking about getting up off his pockets and into the control zone, but the can of beans with the spoon handle jutting out and balanced on the log was there as well, in a cartoon shape and lurid colors that gave the dreams a flavor of comic obscenity. The spoon handle was the kind that could be used as a tire iron.

And he would wake sometimes in grief, sometimes with the old sense of joy and release; the pillow sometimes wet, sometimes the sheets. There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.

"Jack, I swear -- "

Sometimes it's easier to give up than cry and keep on living in those lies...

It was all those things you said to me, it was all those lies I believed in. I guess now that you stand higher than anyone else in this world, so fragile that it's hard to touch you, so pure and so beautiful, it was all so hard to see (or I was too blind to be).

Killing me in your heart; love is gone, the deepest touch and all is done.My speeding heart is overloaded. I got to know what's going on.(My baby cheated on me. The whole world turned its back on me. He left me here in this misery. In my deepest fears,I lost my love.)

I thought that we had fallen in love. But somehow I felt the thousand nails in my heart; so deep that I couldn't scream, so deep that I couldn't even breathe. It was all those things you said to me. Every lie that you made me believe... It was all so beautiful, so bright and true.

My eyes staring at you, watching it all go wrong.

It's a troubled heart and a troubled mind

He is in my shadow everywhere I go. I'm walking on a thin line, when I turn around there's no one there.It's a real bad sign; a fool in love with a fool that never cared...

Now that I'm all alone and scared to stay, I'm slowly going out of my mind. How could I be so blind to those pretty lies and alibis?

"Are you the keeper to the gates of wisdom?"
-Yes. I am.-
"Please let me in, I just can't go through another heartache again."

Everywhere I look the sun is shining, but it's always raining here inside. He was my strongest weakness (to whom I surrendered my heart and soul). Until I regain control, it's gonna be a long, long time to heal. I'm afraid he'll always be.

I'm a prisoner, held captive by his memory...

I gave my faithful heart to someone. I could never understand how he held my little world in the palm of his hand. So if this pain will ever end, will I be afraid to risk it all to ever fall in love again? Now he's gone and life goes on.

And so it goes .... another lesson gets learned
And in the big book of experience, another page gets turned

Sayang kamu, rindu kamu, mau kamu! is nothing but a sweet lie.

How do I get out of this?

If ...
You gotta get into it before you get out of it
And you gotta get out of it before you get into it....

Now what?

You have to get into something before you reject it. You don't know what something is like or what someone is all about until you experience it or talk to them yourself. And you have to step away from something that's bad for you until it's too late.

When you know it's wrong and you want to get your life back to normal, you gotta get out before it takes hold of you.

What's happening to me...?

Dear Dear...

I bumped into you and your friends that night as I was driving home, I knew.
I am sorry that I did not stop for a hello, nor did I look into your eyes and perhaps wink at you.
I didn't just think I can. Call me coward, I don't care.

But I knew you knew.
I'm hurt. Still.

By your side

Like a child again,I'm at a loss for words.

How does one define a crush combined with longing?

...in my life...

I've seen a lot of good times in my life, times when everything went so right. Seen a lot of things go wrong and I just don’t know why. Now that I’ve seen a lot of good times in my life, I had a bit of sadness in my life.

A friend of mine went down the other night, tried to sort it out. But now I just don’t know why I’ve had a bit of sadness in my life.

You see, I am a lonely, lonely, man. And what I got, I got together with my own two hands.

I wonder what am I gonna do to put things right. I’ve taken lots of chances in my life. Now one of them has changed me overnight, I’ve seen a glimpse of the other side. The lights are much too bright.

I got to do something with my life, got to make a change and put up a fight, stand on my own two feet and do it right.

A quest to loneliness

Loneliness amidst people, happy when I am alone. Still, very popular among people.What's the reason?

Loneliness amidst people - Even when I am among my closest friends, I am still faced by the solemn fact that no one will ever completely know or understand me.

We all want to be understood, right? But no one will ever understand us... Sometimes, we don't even understand ourselves! When we can't be understood, when we start realizing that fact, when even our closest friends don't and can't understand... This leads to a despairing loneliness amidst people.

Happy when I'm alone - Solitude can take us away from life's bustle, away from the people that can't understand, away from the daily distractions. When we get away from those, our mind can calm down and think clearly. When we are calm and our mind is clear, it is more peaceful, and this peace, though temporary, can bring happiness to some extent.

I feel lonely most of the time - hence I talk and sing to myself, a lot. I guess it's because I put up strong defenses against people, which isolates me, but keeps me protected from being hurt. And I'm afraid that people won't like me.

What a bummer....!

It's fiction! Who cares anyway...?

Jackson Square Jazz is a gay-theme fiction that I read recently, written by Greg Herren. It's a tale about one slut Scotty, a former go-go boy in New Orleans who cracked a long unsolved crime through a scintilla of clairvoyance and some dog-eared tarot cards.

Reading the book, I am quite moved and inspired by Scotty's FBI boyfriend, Frank, who was living in DC and still believed in monogamous relationship between two men. Frank, after Scotty's one-week visit to his place in DC, was trying so hard to get in touch with him through never-picked-up phone calls and unreplied e-mails.

Moved, when I read his e-mail to Scotty, I did not give myself a second thought to republish it here in my previous post (Friday, June 30, 2006).....!

"My sweet love:

I'm starting to get a little concerned. I've called a couple of times and only get your voicemail, and this is the third letter I've sent since you left the other day, and you have yet to answer any of them. What's going on?

I realize I may be overreacting - I don't have a lot of experience with this relationship business - but I had such a great time with you here last week. It broke my heart to take you to the airport Friday - I wanted you to stay badly. I love you, Baby, and having you here with me only convinced me how right we are for each other.

That's why I am so nervous about not hearing from you...did I do or say something wrong? Did I piss you off in some way? Please know that if I did, it was certainly not my intent, and please accept my apology. I love you so very much - I can't imagine life without you now, Baby. Please let me know everything is okay.

Please.

With all my love,
Your Baby"

This e-mail wrote by Frank to Scotty can be found in Chapter 10, page 105-106 of the book.

Now, perhaps next time a simple question like,
"Hey, I happened to know something about you and now I'm confused and I demand an explanation. Do you want to tell me about it?"
might help instead of SMS:
"I hate you! I was so stupid to let go the one who loves me damn much to be with you, you fucking liar!"
That, out of a sudden and blurry.


Phew! Lega sudah....

Manager MISC, ok tak?

(Edited because of some silly misunderstandings)

This is an excerpt from "Jackson Square Jazz", written by Greg Herren.

I woke up alone at seven in the morning.
He was gone.
Again.
Big surprise, right?
Terrific. In my mind I heard the words, I will not be ignored, Baby.

My sweet love:

I'm starting to get a little concerned. I've called a couple of times and only get your voicemail, and this is the third letter I've sent since you left the other day, and you have yet to answer any of them. What's going on?

I realize I may be overreacting - I don't have a lot of experience with this relationship business - but I had such a great time with you here last week. It broke my heart to take you to the airport Friday - I wanted you to stay badly. I love you, Baby, and having you here with me only convinced me how right we are for each other.

That's why I am so nervous about not hearing from you...did I do or say something wrong? Did I piss you off in some way? Please know that if I did, it was certainly not my intent, and please accept my apology. I love you so very much - I can't imagine life without you now, Baby. Please let me know everything is okay.

Please.

With all my love,
Your Baby

"Jackson Square Jazz"

If only I could....

Just when I believed I couldn't ever want for more, this ever changing world pushes me through another door. I saw you smile and my mind could not erase the beauty of your face. Just for awhile, won't you let me shelter you?

Hold on to the nights, hold on to the memories
I wish that I could give you something more
That I could be yours....

How do we explain something that took us by surprise? Promises in vain, love that is real but in disguise. What happens now? Do we break another rule, let our lovers play the fool? I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

Hold on to the nights, hold on to the memories
If only I could give you more...

Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me. And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free. Everytime I look into your eyes, I'm helplessly aware that the someone I've been searching for is right there....

We could be in love....

Be still my heart
Lately its mind is on it's own
It would go far and wide
Just to be near you

Even the stars
Shine a bit bright
I've noticed
When you're close to me

Still it remains a mystery

Anyone who seen us
Knows what's going on between us
It doesn't take a genius
To read between the lines
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

I ask myself why
I sleep like a baby through the night
Maybe it helps to know
you'll be there tomorrow

Don't open my eyes
I'll wake from the spell I'm under
Makes me wonder how
Tell me how
I could live without you now

And what about the laughter
The happy ever after
Like voices of sweet angels
Calling out our names
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

All my life I have dreamed of this
But I could not see your face
Don't ask why two such distant stars
Can fall right into place.........

It's just good-bye...

The sweetest songs fade to echoes in the wind. The best of times must end, so a new day can begin and the dreams we dream that seem so real at night must meet the morning light and vanish from our sight.

Time was never on our side, we walked the road together and we came to the end. I won’t tell you not to cry, but I swear that what we had won’t die. I close my eyes and I still can see your face. I know the truth of us can’t be bound by time or space. And the joy that we shared, the magic that we’ve known is something that we own, though we may be alone.

It is not over. It doesn’t really matter why. I know what we had can never die, because I’ll always love you. Yes, I do.

So, it’s just good-bye.

The sun will come out, tomorrow
So you gotta hang on ’til tomorrow
Come what may...

It's called Daisy...

An action thriller written by Jae-young Kwak

Directed by Andrew Lau with: Jeon Ji Hyeon, Jung Woo-Sung, Lee Sung-Jae,Simon Yam, David Chiang, Min-sik Choi, Jang Hyuk

The flowers in "Daisy" as used as symbols for good and evil - white daisies for pure love, and black tulips for murder. It brings across the message that not everything that is beautiful is good, but what is meant for good, when done wrongly or at the wrong time, could lead to great disaster.

"Daisy" is unmistakably a sorrowful film, one that tells the tale of a love triangle that doesn't really promise a happily-ever-after ending. It is a romantic movie that also has other non-sentimental things, like crime, thrills and action, making this quite an un-ordinary romance tale.

Synopsis

It is autumn in Amsterdam. A man with a cold soul who smells of gun powder and a man as warm as the sunshine meet a very special woman. The woman is Hye-young (starring Jeon Ji-hyun), a young Korean artist who paints portraits in the city square, while dreaming of one day holding a solo exhibition of her works. She is a stranger in this city, and Hye-young’s only source of strength is the memory of her first love.

Then she meets a new man - well, almost meets him, she never really sees his face but after giving him a drawing of a daisy, he responds by having a pot of daisies delivered to her door every day. Could this be the start of a new love for the lonely young artist? At the same time, however, a second man enters Hye-young’s life, a stranger who keeps coming to her, asking her to draw his portrait.

That man she has been drawing is Jung-woo (starring Lee Sung-jae), an international agent based in Amsterdam. He first approached Hye-young, while in the line of duty, but was immediately mesmerized by her charms and beauty. She quickly assumed that he was the one giving her daisies and begins to fall for him. Jung-woo knows that he is not the one in Hye-young’s heart, but he feels he must remain quiet about the truth or lose her love forever.

Park Yi (starring Jung Woo-sung, really cute!) is really the one giving her flowers, the man Hye-young has been waiting for. He is forced to watch painfully as Hye-young and Jung-woo nurtured their love, unable to intervene - being an assassin, Yi is forbidden to have emotions and weaknesses such as love.

Finally, destiny brings all of their paths together, when Yi gets his next assignment for assassination - and discovers it is Jung-woo.

It's aching....

"My dear,

I'm just imagining and wishing if you were here.

This heart is whining inside, has no clue about how to help himself. Your love keeps me up every night. Whenever I walk in the crowd alone, I bow my head and shed a tear, for your vision is still there. I feel that you are walking away from me...but suddenly you stop, you turn back and then you gaze at me and draw a shiny smile on your face to dry my tears, to tell me that we'll never be apart...
(yeah, yeah, we'll never be apart!!!)

Late at night I walk alone in the dark. I look up at the sky, I see a glaring moon, I see you inside sending your whispers to heal my wounds, assuring me that I'll follow you soon...
(yeah, yeah, I'll follow you soon!!!)

As I walk on the beach barefooted, as the fresh breeze plays with my hair softly, as I hear the sea gull's sounds, as I follow your footprints, as u take my hand and walk beside me, as I feel your warm touch *squeezing*... as you sustain me with an unspoken language, I raise my head and feel a special new ray of hope...
(yeah, yeah, there'll be a new ray of hope!!)

Why do I feel that you're my angel?
Why do I feel that you're my only light in this dark room?
Why do I need to see your smile and you only brought me pain?
Why do I always write about you and you never mention that you still care?
Why can't I ignore you?
Why has everything turned out wrong?"

I LOVE YOU <- doesn't it mean anything to you...?

............................................................

You came, demanded me to love you, you conquered me and then you left feeling insecure about having me beside you, just like that.

(You said you can never compete me...I am high up above you...what the hell is that?? What the fuck?? Since when love has become a competition??)

What did I do?

Talking about bull shit.

Whatever!




-buruknya orang tua merajuk!-

It's been a while....

Indeed.

So many things happened in these few days.Some changes had took place, some part of me still remain intact.I chose them.And I'm still alive, safe and sound.

There are lots of things to say and tell.But perhaps something special should remain untold.

Most of all,I've found you.And I treasure you.The best that I could,as I promised.

"Be mine....(this time for good)"
"Yes...."

And I love you so!

It's the end...

I hate you for the good things that you did to me.
I hate you for the sweet things that you said to me.
I hate you for the fact that you hurt me to the bottom.
I hate you for telling lies to my face about you sharing the same feeling with me.

I hate you for everything that you did to me.
I hate you for it's over now.

I used to love you, but now I don't anymore.

I now hate you. Really!

It's confusing....! Why are you doing this to me?

Z, Z marah sangat dekat A? Benci sangat dengan A?
No I don't (I missed you loads).
Then? Z,you didn't even look at me.
It doesn't matter.You have loads of other people looking at you (in the club and you enjoy the attention people gave to you).
I don't know them. But I know you. That does matter to me.
Why are you doing this (sweet talking)...?
Doing what? I'm trying to be your friend. Don't you feel weird when you knew someone,spent your time together with him,went dinner together with him,looking at him when he sleep, then jumpa buat tak tau?
I thought that meant nothing to you. I thought that's what you do to other people too. Forgive me, but I thought you misled me into believing something I shouldn't even think of in the first place. How stupid I am! (I thought I heard you said that you love me!)
I'm sorry if I've misled you, but that is not my intention. And stop judging me based on your anger.
(Oh, so now I'm being judgmental...? And what was your intention? What did those hugs and kisses meant to you?) So what do you want me to do now?
I just want you to stop hating me, accept me as your friend at least.
If you only knew how much pain you have caused me, then perhaps you will understand why I can't even look at you. I still love you and I can't hate you, but damage has been done, heart has been broken. I wish we didn't go this far but we did. It shouldn't be this way, and I regret it (to know you and ending it up like this. You gave me hope and yet you hurt me...).

-Don't be afraid to love again. Don't let the past rule your future. One might not understand you unless you share. What is life without love?-

It's him....

He has no idea of what I have been through...of how much hurt he had caused me...of my struggling in life to move on without him...of how hard I try not to have him rule my every day...of as hard as I try to forget him, I still can't.

He has no idea that I do not know how to trust people anymore...that I do not know how to love anymore...that I do not know how to hate him so that I can move on...that I am tired of trying.

He has no idea of how afraid I am to love again.

He absolutely has no idea. At all.

And I am in total despair, because of him.
Does he know that?
No, of course he does not.

It's a text, unsent...

Kamu ingat saya?

Bahkan selalu....

Tetapi aku ini umpamanya pemuisi yang memuja bintang nun jauh di langit luas dan gelap, yang tidak langsung bisa aku gapainya sama sekali biarpun sehingga padamnya obor kehidupanku. Lantaran itu aku ukirkan dirimu ke atas helaian-helaian akalku, agar bisa ku kutip kembali dan nikmati keindahannya di saat-saat kerinduan datang meribut dalam kotak fikiranku ini. Kamu hadir cuma untuk seketika sahaja, tetapi gegaran yang kamu bawa dalam kamar hidupku maha besar sekali sehinggakan aku tidak berdaya sama sekali untuk menidakkan perasaan yang bergelora ini, lantas kubiarkan ia bersemarak supaya ketenangan jiwa senantiasa berada dalam perolehanku setiap kali kamu hanyutkan aku dalam khayalan bersama kamu.

Namun sampai kapan aku mampu bertahan? Aku juga manusia biasa... hati ini akan layu kegersangan juga satu hari nanti tanpa dibajai...

Aduh...ngapain aku nih?

It's a boring Thursday...

Work sucks. Life sucks.

Love sucks too.

I want to be free and live life without worries....!




I want love.

It's "Gone"

There's a thousand words that I could say to make you come home
Seems so long ago you walked away and left me alone
And I remember what you said to me, you were acting so strange
And maybe I was too blind to see that you needed a change

Was it something I said, to make you turn away, to make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way to make it so that you were right here, right now

I've been sitting here, can't get you off my mind
I'm trying my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're gone

Now I don't wanna make excuses, baby, won't change the fact that your gone
But if there's something that I could do won't you please let me know
The time is passing so slowly now
Guess that's my life without you
And maybe I could change my everyday but baby I don't want to

So I'll just hang around and find some things to do to take my mind off missing you
And I know in my heart, you can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do

What will I do if I can't be with you?
Tell me where will I turn to, baby who will I be?
Now that we are apart, am I still in your heart?
Baby why don't you see that I need you here with me?

But the truth remains, you're gone...

It's a drama....

Zhariz: Uhh.. Hey, A!
A: Uh huh.
Zhariz: Thank you for being man enough to come.
A: Zhariz,what's this all about?

Zhariz: I know he's leaving me for you.
A: Who said that? Who told you that is true?
Zhariz: What is he telling you? Could it be the same things that he told me?
A: He told me that he loved me.
Zhariz: I heard that.
A: He told me I was...
Zhariz: beautiful...?
A: How did you know? How did you know?
Zhariz: Cause I've played that scene before.

Zhariz: This is a retake of my life. I was his star for many nights. Now the roles have changed and you're the leading lad in his life. Lights! Camera! Now you're on. Just remember you've been warned. Enjoy it now cause it won't last. Same script, different cast...

A: What you're saying could be true, but how can I take advice from you?
Zhariz: I'm not hating but I wish the one before me would have warned me too, babe.
A: Don't say no more! La la la la la la la la la...
Zhariz: Uncover your ears, man!
A: I'm not listening..! La la la la la la la la la...
Zhariz: But I know you hear me. Maybe my reasons are wrong, but I know that you believe me.
A: It's your fault you didn't love him enough.
Zhariz: That's the problem, I loved him too much! And when you love him, he becomes unattracted to you.
A: Oh no, he's changing now. I'll prove you wrong.
Zhariz: No, you won't!
A: Go away, leave us the hell alone cause he loves me!
Zhariz: He'll hurt you...
A: He'll stay with me! For sure...
Zhariz: He'll leave you... For sure...

A: This is a retake of your life. You were his star for many nights, but now the roles have changed and I'm the leading lad in his life. Lights, camera, now you're on. Just remember you've been warned. Enjoy it now cause this will last. I'm the future, you're his past!

Zhariz: Same script, different cast...


Hiks!

It's a 'rush hour' affair

What ever had happened to the traffic flow in the city lately? People are being inconsiderate while driving, slow drivers are making ways shooing us away from the 3 lanes highways, unreliable traffic officers controlling the traffic flow (they are much better in bartering, issuing tickets or proposing a fund-raising for their coffee break endowment), undecided and lost 'treasure-hunters' are all over the town.

The truth is, I cannot understand why some people must have this 'lack of urgency' attitude. I am not asking them to rush it all the way, but at the very least all they can do is not acting like they are the only one on the road, holidaying and enjoying the scenery of the rock jungle in the city to the extent that they disregard to pick up the pace when the light turns green! Worst scenario, when it comes to your turn it is already too late because you are made immovable again for a horrible 5 minutes when the light goes red!

Are these to-name-a-few situations suggesting me being an impatient, intolerant driver? But, on a second thought, would there be road-bullies if they were not provoked in some ways in the first place? If that is the case, maybe I should opt for 'incidental, provoked road bully' for my driving style.

As a result, I arrived home from work quite late, feeling distraught at the maximum level when I had to fight my way through the rush hour begging to myself for a smooth driving experience, which of course can never be a reality.When I entered the living room, to my surprise, a delicate scent, which is so familiar, struck my nose. I wondered if my flat mate was around, but he was nowhere to be found. And it never came across my conscious mind that he would shower himself with 'that' scent, not in a zillion years! He would use something more 'mannish' according to his own interpretation to express his very own macho-ness and masculinity. Yeah, whatever!

A logic justification would be someone that I knew had come by earlier. The familiar scent, and the aura of existence that caused instant chaotic heartbeat to me the moment I stepped into the house told me that that 'someone' was actually there in my house. My mind began to involuntarily entered the purposely-untouched area inside my brain, revisited the restricted area which I hope to be seized forever the moment I saw the unwanted, heart-breaking incident on that eye-opening, fateful day.

Whilst feeling a sudden electric shock-like, I sat down, trying to catch a deep breath (and by doing so I actually inhaled the delicate scent more into my entire body until it became part of me, and I never wanted it to vanish,ever). After some sense and 'stability' regained, I decided to take a shower and let the water flow all over my body and rinse myself off of my yesterdays.

Upon entering my bedroom, there it was, laid on my recently bought tempered glass magazine rack, a piece of white color paper, cut in a rushing manner into a quarter size of an A4, with a note on it. I picked it up and read it out loud.

Sampai rumah you sudah. XXX

Well, someone was really, really there, indeed. I cannot help but to wonder, was it a good or a bad omen? Is it going to be forever like this, that the spirit of that someone will haunt me for the rest of my life, or am I the one who is actually haunted by my own self? Is there a possibility for a relationship to bloom for the second time? Then again, why am I hoping for things to change? Why do I have to allow myself to be exposed to another certain heartbreak, feeling hurt even more than now? Could there be light at the end of this tunnel, or is it just a dead end?

I reread the note. I felt and saw a smile on my face. Suddenly all the troubles I went through while driving home did not matter to me anymore. I began to understand that life's like that; sometimes you have to go through all the troubles only to find peace and comfort in your own haven at the end of the day.

In my case, I found peace inside me...not to be bothered by someone, or anyone (hopefully).

May God give you a rainbow for each storm, a smile for each tear, a blessing for each trial, a song for each sigh, an answer to each prayer, and a sweet dream for each night...

It's a well-known fact...

Sometimes life can be funny.

You wish upon a star, you keep on dreaming. You give it up, it falls upon you. In my case, the star I once wishing for, seems to be coming right through me unexpectedly. But it won't stay, I believe.

Never had I stopped loving it. But a star will always be a star. Instead of wishing I could hold it, perhaps it is better to just walk under its bright light...

How I've missed my lucky shining star!

It's just a song that I play in my mind...

Tak terkata bibirku pabila memandangmu
Biarkan ku tenggelam
Sememangnya detik bahagia

Tak pernah pula kau merinduiku
Tak pernah juga kau menerimaku
Kau buat ku tenggelam dalam mimpi yang indah
Aku rindu, aku jemu...

Berikanku cinta seandainya ada
Bila cinta diharap balas tiada
Walau seketika cuma kita bersama
Aku rindu, aku jemu dengan mu

Inginku merindumu
Bawaku bersamamu
Inikah namanya cinta bila ramai mengganggu

Tak pernah pula kau merinduiku
Tak pernah engkau menerimaku
Aku masih tenggelam dalam mimpi yang pedih
Aku rindu, aku jemu denganmu

Kini makin suram daku terkenangkan waktu bersamamu
Semakin jauh daku terus tenggelam, ku selalu merindu
Walau seketika bersama, abadikan detik bahgia
Abadikanlah keikhlasan di hatiku...

It's my faux pas....

I have skipped my routine class for, if I am not mistaken, more than two months already. The fact that I got easily tired these days, and also the calamity that fell upon the temple being the result of endless raids to places where all the cuties and hotties met (not many of them were of the quality that I expected though), I found out that paying a visit to the class is after all, a boring and waste of time sort of affair. And money as well.

Not wanting to exacerbate the condition of my already shrinking pocket and wallet, I decided to stick to my New Year's resolution, i.e. the class is only to be attended once in an entire month. Well, I have made it so far, implausibly (standing ovation)!

Behind all these determination, a reason lies beneath. I mean, I wouldn't be so successfully abide to my own rule (they are made to be broken, mind you!) and being a fragile person myself, I could easily forget what on earth I had decided earlier, hit the road and just be a man about it. Grown-up and wiser (I hope so), I put it up to my own words. Once a friend from the class asked, "Why are you avoiding the class? What is it that you are so uncomfortable about?" I did not give him a truthful answer anyway as I believe every single human being is entitled for some white lies or better still, just tight-lipped.

Ironically, as much as I wanted to be wiser, I still cannot overcome that infantile behavior in me. My inner side unfailingly convinced me that instead of facing the music, I should run away from things and people who caused me troubles and glooms. Hence, the act of escaping from the class. After all these years and experiences, I have yet to learn to let go and walk out as a free man as the chain of reminiscences that clinging at the back of my mind keeps telling and reminding me of my faux pas, that I cannot forgive and forget. Well, that only applies to selected few which if I were to list them down I would take merely two seconds to finish writing their names, no kidding (because there is only one)!

Honestly, at this moment, there is only one reason why I have temporarily stopped attending the much missed class.

Because I am still broken....

It's all coming back to me now....

Where are you tonight, my love? What is it that you do? My heart is broken that we are now apart. When I'm not with you, what enchanted thoughts swim through your head? Are any of them of me? When, my dear, you go to bed, is it my face you see? Or is it someone else's?

Why is it that some people who find love, handle it with such carelessness? Some people search for love all their lives. When it is found, why put it down and forget about it, only to realize how much it meant when it is gone?

I want to find love, hold on to it, celebrate its feelings, drown in it every day, be consumed by it.

I am, my dear, at your feet and I have come to you with gifts; my body, my heart, and my soul. I give myself with all my heart...!

I am missing you now!

It's agitating (the oil price hike).....

I received these articles below via email. Besides now I am very much affected by the impact (of less cash in hand), previously when the news broke out I just ignored it as life has to go on by hook or by crook, but upon reading these articles I cannot help but to feel extremely disturbed. As selfish as the government, I care not anymore!

I am against the oil price hike and I personally think Pak Lah is not capable to help the rakyat and this is the worst decision he has ever made since taking over the power. At least, in my view, before he announce that stupid decision, he should have first, not later, came up with the ideas and ways of how to minimize the impact on the rakyat. Ensuring that the price of goods are not rocketing, that the government is monitoring and taking actions on errant traders, that the toll rate will not increase, and etc., etc. is so basi, so yesteryears! At the end of the day, the rakyat will still have to pay higher price for everything under the sun and we lose our spending power. It is just a matter of time.

While most of the people are suffering from this, the dumb newspapers and TV kept reporting how wise and good the decision is. Not surprisingly though,a male species of Member of Parliament even dared to say that it is OK for rakyat to pay even extra 40 cents! Monkey, who says so?! Are you out of your mind?? Do you think we are all as rich as you?? How dare you call yourself an MP who represents the rakyat??!! We must not call these people Yang Berhormat anymore since they do not know how to hormat the rakyat's feelings and more importantly, needs!! Certainly that cheap talk was not from the rakyat but merely someone who is trying to kiss somebody's ass for his own personal and political agendas (money, cheap publicity, attention and power)! Hey, since he is willing to pay extra 40 cents, why don't each and every petrol station in Malaysia charge that monkey that extra amount, or make it 50 cents...much better and more profit! Stupid asshole!

And those monkeys who came up and supported the idea of using public transport only know how to talk. Do they know how much hassle we have to go through in using the poor, expensive and inefficient public transport? Why didn't they use it everyday in the first place instead of buying cheap publicity riding the LRT for just one day to "lead by example bullshit"? So what, we the ordinary rakyat is forced to use the inefficient public transport and they monkeys have the every right to travel in comfort and luxury??? And, not to mention those monkeys can merrily avoid the traffic jam by you know how....!

Media in Malaysia does not help much either. They only aired positive views, another ass-licking political engine from the ruling government. I do believe in certain that the majority rakyat is against the decision, in which, the media should be the medium for the rakyat to convey, to express their objections to the people who are sitting in the comfort zone in the government, so that a proper actions can be taken based on the views and voices of the rakyat. Instead, the media has been manipulated by the ruling government to propagate its idea of "this is for the benefits of the rakyat (who are actually happen to be my family, relatives and the people who are close to me )". Everyday you can see some stupid headlines like "Rakyat sudah faham dan terima keputusan kerajaan", "Rakyat berpuas hati dengan penjelasan kerajaan", "Rakyat sokong keputusan kerajaan", "Kerajaan buat tindakan bijak", and loads of bullshit (and they think that we do not know).

As much as being patriotic I am, at this point however, I agree with the writer of the refuted article below that "the government must think we Malaysians are a bunch of donkeys"! From what I see, in this beloved country, the rich is getting richer and the poor is getting poorer and who shall we blame? The government lah, of course!

Pak Lah, you are working too slow, you have to do something immediately. It is not about popular or unpopular decision, but it is about the rakyat's survival. And, yes, Pak lah, we were and still so very angry! Should things getting worse, I am sure you will be "the most popular history" among the rakyat!

Or perhaps the rakyat from now on should rethink on who is more capable to captain us.....



READ DUMB OOI`S LETTER, THEN READ THE REBUTTAL.

Oil Prices in Malaysia Still Cheaper
Paul Ooi, Colorado
Mar 6, 06 2:19pm

It seems that many quarters of the Malaysian public are getting very agitated with the fuel price hike. As a Malaysian living overseas, I can only say that even with the price hike, Malaysians are still paying less for petrol than most Western countries, including the US.

After conversion, the price per gallon of petrol in Malaysia will be US$2.00 as compared to the US$2.35 average in the US. The last time I was in Japan and Hong Kong, those countries were paying US$3.50 and US$4.50 per gallon respectively! Furthermore, in the US, the prices of petrol are adjusted at an almost daily basis to reflect daily market price fluctuations. In Malaysia, the prices are fixed at the national level below international prices because the government is already subsidising the commodity.

There is no political or social agenda on the part of the Malaysian government as these prices are actually beyond the control of any single national government. The real problem is that we are facing growing demand for petrol as Asian giants India and China continues to industrialise and compete for the same finite fossil fuel resources as the rest of the industrialised world. The problem of political instability in producer nations like Iraq and Iran have exacerbated the rising cost of petrol as anxiety levels in the world market increase.

My advice to my fellow Malaysians is to review our petrol consumption patterns and where possible cut down on unnecessary travel with the family car. Malaysians are used to the idea of taking the Proton even to ferry people from one place to another within a distance one kilometre.

The shopping mall parking lots are filled to the brim during weekends with many single occupancy vehicles. City and municipal governments need to re-emphasise the development of public transportation to cut down on private car usage. Malaysian driving and commuter habits are actually very similar to those in America, resulting in a highly petrol-dependent population.

-----------------

'Understanding' won't put food on table!

C Nimitz

-----------------

Letter to Editor
www.malaysiakini.com
Mar 7, 06 3:51pm

I refer to the letter by Paul Ooi of Colorado entitled Oil prices in Malaysia still cheaper. I must say Ooi's comparison of petrol prices in Malaysia and the US is not logical, to say the least. He implies that we Malaysians should not be so agitated over the recent hike in petrol prices because we are paying US$2 per gallon while the Americans, Japanese and Hong Kongites are paying US$2.35, US$3.50 and US$4.50 respectively.

I am totally surprised that it did not occur to a well-travelled person like Ooi that Malaysians make much less than the people in the three places he named. Malaysia has a GDP per capita of US$10,400 while the United States, Japan and Hong Kong have a GDP per capita of US$41,800, US$30,400 and US$36,800 respectively. Now, is Ooi actually saying that someone who makes US$10,000 a year and pays US$2 for each gallon of petrol is better off than a person who makes US$40,000 a year but pays US$2.35 (a mere US$0.35 more) for each gallon of petrol? Doesn't make that much sense, does it?

I'm tired of the usual banner of 'oil prices in Malaysia are still cheaper when compared to others' every time price hikes take place. The government must think we Malaysians are a bunch of donkeys. The fact is, despite the mediocre education the government gives to most of us, we can actually do simple maths. If the government had really done its job all these decades, we would not be plagued by corruption and wastage and would be doing so much better in the income and purchasing power departments. The issue of oil subsidy would not even arise as we can then afford to pay for unsubsidised fuel.

The government also launches into elaborate explanations as to why we need to reduce subsidies for fuel and inject the salvaged money into 'much needed' development. But since the past four or five price hikes, our development has remained at that -'much needed'. Can anybody honestly say that the public transportation system in our country has improved ever so tremendously so as to finally allow us to depend on it to get to work, to school, to the market, the court, the hospital, for meetings, etc?

Okay, so we understand the pressing economic need to put our money in development, money which will otherwise be wasted away in fuel subsidies. Understanding, however, does not put food on our tables. Despite our comprehension of the economics of fuel subsidies, we still cannot make ends meet. I'm not against the idea of development. It's just that for the past 18 months or so, petrol prices have increased about 40%, diesel prices about 100% and I have not had 1% of increase in my pay. How, pray tell, am I supposed to cope with this increase in the cost of living? The saying goes that by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. In my case, I was not even close to making the ends meet, and they have already moved the ends.

For the benefit of Ooi, I present the typical monthly expenses of a middle-income earner in Kuala Lumpur:

Salary: RM2,600.00 (after EPF and tax deductions)
Minus:
Housing: RM300
Car loan: RM500
Study loan: RM200
Phone and Internet: RM150
Insurance: RM180
Petrol (lives a distance away from KL to take advantage of lower house rent) - new price: RM600
Toll: RM180
Salary left for food: RM490

No savings, no entertainment budget, no new clothing, not much to give the family. And when the time is up for car insurance and road tax, credit card debt is incurred. Please don't tell this person to take public transport. First of all, public transport does not reach where he is living. Secondly, I really would not dare to ask him to rely on the public transport to get to work and meetings on time. If he is a lawyer, then he definitely does not want to take public transport unless he doesn't mind his cases being struck out by the court due to his late appearance.

If that is the life of a middle-income earner, my heart really goes out to the low-income earner.

I do not think Malaysians are being unreasonable about the hike in fuel prices. Trying to make ends meet and making sure the family has enough food is not unreasonable. Feeling desperate and angry when price hikes takes away the ability to buy enough food for the family is not unreasonable.

Unreasonable is when one complains about having to buy less Gucci shoes (must be the female monkeys lah!).

Unreasonable is when the politicians who are elected by the rakyat and are living on the hard earnings of the rakyat tells his countrymen to change their already marginalised lifestyles when he himself is driven around in luxury cars while living in mansions and having his petrol paid for by the rakyat's tax money.

Unreasonable is when one tells people earning less than RM1,000 a month to tighten their already tight belts when he himself dines on the finest food in the finest ambience.

Unreasonable is when the VIPs and the politically well connected send their mediocre-brained children overseas for further education through full Govt scholarships at the expense of the taxpayers'children not even having a chance to get half a scholarship.

Unreasonable is when the income tax relief is still pegged at RM 5,000 for the head of household (averaging RM 400 per month), RM 3,000 for the spouse (RM 250.00 per month) and RM 800.00 per child under 18 years of age(averaging less than RM 100.00 per month).

Coming back to Ooi, since he had so selflessly offered advice to spendthrift and inconsiderate petrol-gulping Malaysians to change their lifestyle, allow me to reciprocate his kindness. My advice to Ooi is to come back to Malaysia, make Malaysian ringgit and pay US$2 for a gallon of petrol. Ooi can also practise what he preaches about reviewing 'our petrol consumption patterns'. In saying this, Ooi joins Noor Yahaya Hamzah of New Zealand in admonishing Malaysians over their reluctance to walk or ride a bicycle instead of taking the car.

Notice how these people are always those who live outside Malaysia? They give their patronising advice from their comfortable homes in First World countries with First World incomes and comfortable climate. It would not be so easy to mete out such generous advice if you were living in a Third World developing nation with your Third World income and sweltering heat.

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"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world, the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw

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Bagaimana Hendak Ubah Gaya Hidup Jika ...
Rozmal Malakan
Letter to Editor
www.malaysiakini.com
Mar 7, 06 3:48pm

Selaras dengan seruan Timbalan Perdana Menteri Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak supaya rakyat mengubah gaya hidup bagi menampung kesan kenaikan minyak, berikut diberikan beberapa panduan kepada pelbagai lapisan golongan masyarakat - dari golongan rakyat kepada pemimpin rakyat dan daripada golongan miskin ke golongan kaya - untuk mengubah gaya hidup mereka.

Jika sebelum ini kita kerap makan luar, amalkanlah makan di rumah. Jikalau tiada masa untuk memasak, pastikan mempunyai simpanan mi segera yang banyak. Tetapi kalau orang yang memang tidak pernah makan luar kerana duit belanja dapur hanya cukup untuk makan di rumah, macam mana mereka hendak mengubah gaya hidup mereka?

Jika sebelum ini kita menghantar anak ke sekolah dengan kereta kita, hanya anak kita seorang, maka sekarang kita berpakatlah dengan jiran-jiran untuk bergilir-gilir menghantar anak-anak ke sekolah. Tetapi kalau sekarang pun sudah ramai anak jiran yang menumpang kereta kita, macamana kita hendak mengubah gaya hidup?

Jika sebelum ini kita menaiki kereta ke tempat kerja, maka usahakanlah untuk menaiki motosikal. Tetapi kalau kita memang dari dulu naik motosikal, bagaimana kita hendak mengubah gaya hidup?

Jika sebelum ini kita kerap melancong ke luar negara, maka mulai sekarang melanconglah di dalam negara. Tetapi kalau kita memang tidak pernah pergi melancong ke mana-mana, hanya balik beraya di kampung, bagaimana kita hendak mengubah gaya hidup?

Jika sebelum ini anak kita bawa wang saku RM1 ke sekolah untuk membeli makanan, maka mulai sekarang buatkanlah bekal untuk anak-anak kita. Tetapi kalau anak-anak kita dari dulu lagi kita sudah bekalkan makanan ke sekolah kerana tidak mampu beri wang saku, bagaimana kita hendak mengubah gaya hidup?

Jika sebelum ini kita kerap menonton wayang, berhibur, maka mulai sekarang duduklah sahaja berhibur di rumah, menonton televisyen, bermain dengan anak-anak. Tetapi kalau memang dari dulu kita berhibur dengan menonton televisyen di rumah dan bermain dengan anak-anak, bagaimana kita hendak mengubah gaya hidup?

Jika sebelum ini kita kerap membeli pakaian baru hampir setiap bulan, maka mulai sekarang belilah pakaian baru setahun sekali masa hari raya sahaja. Tetapi kalau kita sekarang pun kita membeli pakaian baru apabila pakaian lama sudah koyak atau lusuh, bagaimana kita hendak ubah gaya hidup?

Jika sebelum ini kita merokok sekotak dua kotak sehari, maka mulai sekarang hisaplah sekotak atau dua kotak seminggu atau berhenti terus. Tapi kalau kita dari dulu pun tidak merokok, bagaimana kita hendak mengubah gaya hidup?

Banyak lagi contoh yang boleh dibawa di sini, cuma tidak mampu hendak menulisnya. Kesimpulannya, orang yang hidup mewah, orang yang berada, buat apa mereka hendak susah-susah untuk mengubah gaya hidup mereka kerana mereka masih mampu untuk berbelanja walaupun minyak naik lebih 30 sen seliter.

Orang yang sederhana hidupnya dan berjimat-cermat mungkin masih dapat bertahan. Bagi orang yang susah, yang tidak boleh lagi mengubah gaya hidup, mereka hanya mampu menadah tangan dan berdoa atau menadah tangan untuk mengemis. Takutilah doa-doa golongan yang sebegini.

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Cnimitz wrote:

"The fact is, despite the mediocre education the government gives to most of us, we can actually do simple maths."

"Understanding, however, does not put food on our tables."

"Unreasonable is when the nation' leaders tell their countrymen to change their already marginalised lifestyles when he himself is driven around in luxury cars while living in mansions and having his petrol paid for by the rakyat's."

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After conversion, the price per gallon of petrol in Malaysia will be US$2.00 as compared to the US$2.35 average in the US.

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As person who live aboard , he should know better that the average salary in Malaysia is not USD2000 but RM 2000 (about USD 500.00). For a person with USD 2,000.00 to spend, USD 2.35 per liter is not as bad as a person who make USD 500.00 but have to pay US2.00 per liter.

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Good one C Nimitz!!!



How to save fuel without really trying (from The Star)

EFFENDI Azmi Hashim talked about the effects of the rising fuel cost and of using public transport to reduce cost (Ride of the common people, A Yuppie's Progress, StarMag, March 5). In addition to running the car, petrol is used to operate just about every electronic function in the car,hence we can think of many ways to save fuel. Malaysians are already practising some of the tips, so they should come naturally.

1. Don't signal - ever
Not that Malaysians use their indicators anyway but it is an even more compelling reason to not waste energy on that blinking light

2. Don't park in multi-storey car parks
Going up and down ramps burns fuel. Better to just leave the car outside on a single yellow line.

3. Don't brake for bumps
Braking burns fuel so just keep accelerating over speed bumps.

4. Commute off-peak
Avoid the rush hour traffic by going into work at 10am and coming home at 3pm.

5. Delay switching on headlights
Wait until it gets really dark or until someone flashes you before switching on headlights.

6. Sing
Radio music is lousy anyway. Sing to entertain yourself instead of letting your Blaupunkt burn more fuel.

7. Carpool
Cram as many people as possible into your Kancil. Besides, the added weight helps with braking.

8. Smoke cigarettes
You will naturally open your window to smoke so this saves on air-cond usage.

9. Coast downhill
Turn off the engine and free up the gear when going down a slope. Let gravity do the work, not petrol.

10. Invest in body kits
Making the car more aero-dynamic with sporty skirting and spoilers reduces drag and fuel consumption.

11. Use 18-inch rims
Big rims mean less tyre material,i.e. rubber. Therefore less rubber is burnt while driving.

12. Drive on the line
Align the middle of the car on the line that divides two lanes on a dual carriageway. This reduces the need to make sharp turns as you are effectively using the racing line.

13. Go through red lights
If you are in front at a traffic light, go straight on. Braking hard for a yellow or red light burns fuel.

14. Use high gears
Try to go from first straight to fourth. Keep the revs to below 1,000rpm.

15. Take MCs
Utilise your entitlement to the max. Every day that you don't go to work is RM saved on fuel, toll, parking, etc.

16. Use the emergency lane
Why sit idle in traffic when you can gain ground efficiently on the extra lane?

17. Speed
The faster you reach your destination, the less fuel you use.